I guess I could have went that way too. I suppose it’s a conflict of style.  I personally would like to hear the character say “Thank you" aloud. I feel it resonates more with the scene. Slight head nod works too.

Hi Marcello,

I agree with Steve here, action all the way through would be more powerful, for example towards the end this ruined/made me laugh "You want dinner? Well you’re gonna’ have to earn it." Really not necessary.
It's not terribly written but as mentioned the slugs are a little all over the shop and in some cases none existent.
There are a few typos and over writing here but I totally saw what you were trying to achieve.
I like the idea. It just needs working on a little more.

Good luck with the next draft

Lee  
  

Marcello

I like how we are parachuted straight into the action, Bill’s exposed bone, his expression of hopelessness. We know something as gone down.

JEFF
Found it on a body.

- Ok, it might seem like I’m being pedantic but the words “found” and “find” have been mentioned 3 time and once respectively in the opening few lines of dialogue, something that stuck out for me. I think you could have Bill just ask “Where” and Jeff respond “On a body” before going on about giving up smoking as you’ve written it. It would sound more natural in my opinion.

BILL
There’s no point
of arguing.

- I would drop “of” or replace it with “in”

“Jeff walks away.”

- Shouldn’t there be more urgency in his exit? “Walks away” seems so casual.

“CLICK, CLICK CLICK...nothing.”

- Sh?t, after a night of trying this has passed I probably would’ve chucked it as far as possible into the wilderness by now. Would drive me crazy otherwise!

“ClICK, CLICK...FIRE!”

- Perseverance pays off!

Although it would require some expensive CGI the white tiger scene was effective, a nicely played dramatic moment.

BILL
Yes! Yes!. Oh god thank you.

“He rubs his hands and places them above the fire.”

- Considering he is in snowy terrain where white tigers roam I would like to see him feel the cold more through body language, facial expression, flexing his fingers, blowing into his palms, wrapping his arms around himself to insulate the heat, etc. Especially, since the primary goal at the moment is to start a fire. It helps immerse us in Bill’s plight and makes the success in starting the fire all the more sweeter when it is achieved. We really feel for him, understand how freezing it is.

I do admit to squirming when he pushes the bone back in though.

I somehow doubt it would be that easy to catch an Ermine. He literally hobbled over, poked a stick in the hole and had his meal. Just like that. I know it’s for the purposes of the story but it did seem rather straightforward. I kinda felt sorry for the Ermine too.

Also, having read on learning that he comes across the plane, it might be more dramatic if the Ermine escapes which forces him to make a move. Thus, the finding of the plane is all the more important.

”Each step painful. Each step more impossible than the next.”

- You could lose the second “each step” and put in a comma. Also, replace “next” with “last”

Perhaps put in a LATER slugline between him making a move and encountering the plane. Because, as it’s written, it seems like it crashed very close by to where he was propped against the tree. If this is the case, you have to ask why he didn’t check it out sooner for food, clothes, provisions, etc…or Jeff for that matter.

I liked him repeating his mantra through the night scenes.

“He turns the body over of the man with the blue jacket.”

- Was Jeff always wearing the blue jacket? Might be worth specifying this in the opening scene too. It’s not going to be a surprise on screen once we see it in the snow so it shouldn’t be played as one on the page either…unless he acquired nee clothing along the way.

“Two teeth snarling timber wolves, fifteen feet back, eye
down Bill.”

- And we’ve just entered “The Grey” territory, hard to not think of that film when presented with this image. I anticipated this is what Jeff referred to in the opening dialogue. Now, if only Liam Neeson were around to punch them out!

“The white tiger rears up from the side of them.”

- I’m not sure I entirely buy this intervention by the Tiger, too contrived. Although, I do appreciate what you were going for, the fact that they shared a moment earlier, there is some unspoken understanding between them, the mutual fight for survival, the common enemy. Why a Tiger though? It’s a beast like the Wolf and would just as soon rip Bill’s head off. Does it really matter? I suppose not. It seems the poor Wolves get awfully bad press in films though, always the man hungry beasts.

BILL
Thanks.

- I wouldn’t have Bill say this. A nod would do. He should still be sh?tting it, unsure of the Tiger’s motives. I know I would. I’d be thinking the Tiger is fighting off the wolves so he can feast on me for himself!

Are we to assume that Bill and Jeff came from the plane crash or is that totally unrelated? Did he just come across it by chance?

If not, what were he and Jeff doing out there? If so, then, as I already mentioned, why didn’t they go to the plane for provisions, food and shelter straight away?
Did he get his leg injury from a previous encounter with the wolves or the plane crash?

Overall, not bad, pretty effective for seven pages. A simple story of survival in the harshest situation with a positive Man & Beast overtone, at least in regards the Tiger.

To reiterate, you could definitely play up Bill’s desperation and suffering when he’s just sitting against the tree for the first half of the script i.e. the cold, the loneliness, the hopelessness of his predicament. It’s a very sensory script as the title suggests, it’s the script’s strength, so it should be intensified to the max.

Col.

Hey guys,

I appreciate you taking your time and resurrecting this one. I always like this short. I never gave it the proper attention I felt it deserved. Typed it up and in matter of hours and barely looked it over. A shame cause this one could have been actually pretty good.

It’s funny how I can read this over again and pick up all sorts of mistakes I missed the first time around.  I must have written at least four shorts this year and this was one that could have played out a lot better if it was written correctly.

I mean it had some good “Elements” to it. So after this whole feature length OWC that has completely sucked up my writing time, I’ll probably do a complete revision of this story.  Maybe expand it a little bit. That’s if I don’t get caught up in a another new idea. Either way,I’ll probably get it done some time later down the road.