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I can see what you were trying to do here but I think the build up needs more initial spice...
So a couple of ideas.
- Splashing the pot in poker is considered bad form, can be used as a bone of contention. - Maybe slow role the trip Aces at the end... typical, 'Oh I have 2 aces... sorry meant 3' type setup - Have Trevor excited about leaving and wanting to as he's planning to propose, no need to make it obvious - When he takes the crowbar to Samuel, why not punctuate every blow with a swear word?
Noticed Motherfucker is a term of spiteful respectful. - think you meant 'respect'
Good effort, poker table banter has ring of authenticity too.
I have to say I agree with some of the above comments, I also think there should be more conflict at the beginning, maybe mentioning Vanessa earlier to get things heated up. The anticipation of what to come will keep the reader going on this particular subject.
Liking the ending, I was glad that Samuel got his comeuppance at the end in a none sick, twisted, psycho way.
I don't know, man. I kinda disagree with what others are saying about something needing to happen sooner. Writing good dialogue is an art, and I think you've done it pretty nicely here. The problem is, when we read scripts, especially short scripts written by strangers, we tend to get more impatient than we would if we were actually watching on screen. I think you're dialogue builds the intensity, and it sounds authentic.
My criticism of the story is the VERY end... mentioning the ring. Seems kind of cheesy. The story is dark. And funny. And intense. And then it seems like at the very end there's a sappy/sad thing that gets thrown in. I would have just liked it more if it ended with the beating and that was it. Or maybe Vanessa still on speaker saying "hello... hello?"
“Trevor peers over the cards that are lined across the middle of the table."
- Wouldn’t do any harm to specify the number of cards turned. Is it just the flop, the turn or what?
Including the character’s ages would be helpful too.
TREVOR I call.
“Samuel smiles while Jesse reveals the next card.”
- Shouldn’t Trevor be throwing in some chips to back up his decision?
Also, and maybe I’m being too priggish here but I would like to get some idea of the cards in the flop and whatever card Jesse has turned over. I know the hand finishes not long after this with Trevor folding and you show his and Samuel’s cards then but you could’ve immersed us much more in the drama, given the scene that extra injection of suspense if you told us the community cards during the build up.
The scene has lots of potential, the cocky a?shole goading the timid guy into playing the hand, when the latter folds it’s revealed the former had nothing to begin with. I like that, lots of subtext there about the dynamic and difference between these two characters but it could be written in a much more dramatically satisfying way. A missed opportunity.
“The river card is drawn.”
- You seemed to have skipped from the flop to the river with only a few lines of dialogue. What happened to the turn card? It doesn’t feel like enough time has elapsed.
SAMUEL I’m serious, motherfucker is like a fucking compliment to me. Think about it, you only use it when you’re jealous or kinda envious of that person. That motherfucker or this motherfucker. Motherfucker is a term of spiteful respectful.
- Ha, good dialogue, fair point too.
LARRY I thought you were worried about hurting people’s feelings? He’s saying it doesn’t bother him.
- Trevor didn’t say that. He just said there are other words you can use and he would never use the lord’s name in vain. Is this a leftover from an old draft or is Larry intentionally putting words in his mouth to coerce him into swearing?
“Everett flips over the river card.”
- He already drew the river card in the last page. I’m now thinking that was a type, perhaps you meant the turn card then.
“Everett sends Samuel a glare.”
- That’s the second time Everett has reacted to the implication that Samuel went off with a girl Trevor is in to/with. I’m thinking it’s significant.
“Trevor glances around at his friends who will not make full eye contact with him. His breathing becomes accelerated.”
- I’m thinking Samuel is winding up Trevor so he will swear. I mean, could Samuel be so flippant about something like this?
“Trevor drops the phone.”
- Surely he is going to want more confirmation than this? Is it not possible for Vanessa to have Samuel’s number anyway considering him and Trevor are (supposed) to be friends?
SAMUEL I didn’t know...maybe if you introduced me-
- Ok, that explains the last note. Trevor kept her a secret from the rest. I still think Samuel is winding him up though.
SAMUEL Who Trevor? The guy that folds trip Kings...not a-
- Didn’t Trevor not just go in with that hand?
EVERETT Trevor? What do you... take, take a deep breath, c’mon, this isn’t you.
- The “this isn’t you” part reads awfully pointed. As in too obviously driving the point home of Trevor’s usual meek and non-confrontational personality. I think you can come up with something a little more natural and reactionary.
SAMUEL What? I told you I didn’t know who she was. She called again and I used it against you. It is what it is.
- Wow, this guy is such a prick.
As you’ll see from my notes I was engaged with this. I liked the opposing characters of Samuel and Trevor, the dominant and the dominated, the teasing of one by the other. The dialogue felt genuine for the most part and I was curious to see where it was going…unfortunately the ending literally made me groan out loud, cursing something that showed lots of potential but ended in a ridiculously hysterical way.
You mean to tell me that Samuel did actually screw Trevor’s missus and was bragging about it to him like this? Firstly, on that basis alone, why would Trevor ever hang around with this guy? In fact, why would anyone ever hang around with this dude? He is a 100% di?khead, no redeemable qualities whatsoever. I don’t blame Samuel for actually going off with Vanessa, maybe he is telling the truth and she never told him about Trevor, so it’s more on her than him in that respect…but to boast about like that is wholly reprehensible.
As I mentioned in my notes, I was thinking it was all a wind-up to get Trevor to swear. I understand why you put in his non-swearing, bible following character trait and how he’s regularly undermined by the others as it makes his freak out all the more out of the blue at the end. Also, I don’t expect a script to always fulfil my expectations as then it becomes predictable. On the contrary, like most of us, we want to be surprised.
However, the ending you give us, surprising though it is, is a major misstep in my opinion. So Samuel’s claims turn out to be actually true, that he is as much of a cu?t as we presume? While the final reveal of Trevor’s marital intentions towards Vanessa just screams melodrama…and not in a good way.
It feels like you wanted to finish in the most explosive way possible without thinking about how it fits within the rest of the piece. It comes from nowhere really, which might be your intention and that can sometimes work but here it just felt bolted on to create a shocking closing scene. I’m guessing Everett knew about Trevor’s planned proposal which is why he reacted when Samuel brought it up but I think we need more indications, more clues however subtle that Everett and Trevor are closer than the rest. There could be a throwaway line between them that alludes to this planned proposal which only reveals its true meaning when we realise how serious Trevor was about Vanessa.
The ending needs to be worked more into the story, it has to feel organic and plausible and not just this big constructed shock that has no basis within the piece. Otherwise the reader, after the initial WTF, just feels cheated, undersold.
Which is a pity because there is some good stuff here, an interesting set up, decent dialogue and well drawn inter-character conflicts.
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