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Yeah, as Ray said, this had a solid opener... the whole mystery aspect of this kept me reading until the 'end'. Unfortunately, the 'end' left more questions that it answered for me, I'm afraid. As the end failed to successfully explain what was going on in the script, the script's biggest success so far - the whole mystery aspect - therefore because it's biggest weakness, as I was left completely scratching my head.
Writer; care to elaborate as to what was actually going on?
But holding my attention all the way to end of a short does take some skill, so congratulations on that.
Just wish it was concluded in a more satisfying manner!
Yeah, this is very good. It kept me reading all the way through, taut with a breezy pace. Very visual. I enjoyed the little nuances you threw in from time to time -- Edith scratches her nose, the squirrel, ducks quacking, plop plop of the breadcrumbs. Things like that allow me to hear your story as well as visualize it. Very nicely done.
You seem to have a lack of commas in your action passages. I don't know whether that's a conscious decision. It doesn't detract from the read at all, I think. Just thought I'd bring it up as that is perhaps your style.
Overall, I liked the writing a lot, and the story. However, yes, a muddy ending kinda left me clueless as to what exactly was going down. I checked back to the opening in hopes I'd find a clue with Samantha, but all I found was the dropped invoice, and that didnt really explain much.
Thanks for the reads, lads. And thanks to Don for posting. Pretty quick too.
RayW You've no idea how difficult it was for me not to call you 'Rat'. I'm sure you'd agree it is time to move on from that lest it sticks.
I see you tend towards the blunt approach to critique.
'kinda draggy with a clueless ending'! After reading your own new opus I find this a tad harsh.
Good job you're not an oncologist...
Mr. Adams, you've got about a fortnight. Then it's all over. Three weeks tops. I wouldn't even bother with with the chemo. You're a goner for sure. Close the door on your way out.
Stop blabbling, man. Shit happens. Next!
Reading on I see you got more complimentary. A sort of reverse compliment shit sandwich.
This has been up here before, a few years ago when I was still fairly new around these parts. I did play around with it, several attempts at lengthening it into a feature. But the results weren't what I'd hoped for.
The Town and State of Play are good calls. I don't think they were around when I wrote this. Thay do have the tone and atmosphere I was hoping for.
I thought I'd put it back up to see what the curent bunch posting here thought. Personally I still think it's one of the best thing I've written.
Unfortunately, the 'end' left more questions that it answered for me, I'm afraid. As the end failed to successfully explain what was going on in the script, the script's biggest success so far - the whole mystery aspect - therefore because it's biggest weakness, as I was left completely scratching my head.
Well. This is one way to look at it. I'll take the head scratching as you're thinking about it. Which is the idea.
Writer; care to elaborate as to what was actually going on?
Erm, not particularly. When I first posted this I was asked the same thing. If I did post an explanation you probably wouldn't like it.
I'm going to make a fatal mistake and mention 2001. This isn't that. That's one of my favourite films and one I still rewatch on a regular basis. Not something my better half is too impressed by. But the sequel - 2010 - set out to answer all the questions posed in 2001. It flopped hugely. It was terrible. I fear if I explain what I think happened in To Be the situation would be reprised.
Hi, Ren, I'll get onto your story in a minute... but there are a couple of things I noticed on your first page.
Code
She reaches out to pick up one of several invoices on the
bedside table.
It slows down the read a tad, detracts from the point a little, when you mention that she 'reaches out'. You could just write, she picks up one of several invoices from the bedside table. Reaching out goes without saying. Unless she does it with her teeth, or maybe a straw, her feet, or...
It's the sort of thing I do too, and something I usually clean up on a run-through for brevity.
Code
Joseph’s eyes scan his surroundings - deserted.
Same thing with the above. If you haven't described a type of scanning equipment, then it is safe to assume he is scanning with his eyes. Joseph scans his surroundings - deserted. I know what you're getting at though. You mention the eyes because that is where you are directing the shot. If you really want to direct the shot, then you'll need to get more descriptive. For example, Joseph keenly scans his surroundings - deserted. Inserting the word 'keenly' implies that a shot of the eyes should be utilised, IMO. There are other ways, obviously, and probably far better, it's just a quick example.
Ah, OK I didn't see that coming... she paid for the invoice with not only her own life but also the life of her father Paul. So, Samantha is Caroline's sister. Very powerful stuff. Nicely done and certainly something to make us think.
Many thanks. I'm still of the opinion that if it ended in a more clear cut way you would have liked it less.
You're probably right, as I'd then probably bash you for being too unsubtle This has kept me thinking though... in fact, I have come back to it a few times since I read it yesterday, which is always good.
Without looking back through the script... is Samantha the sister or the daughter? I think it would be more powerful if the daughter... and isn't there a 20-year age gap? I think I may have had it wrong. Samantha is the daughter. So two generations die to save the daughter/granddaughter.
Yeah, this is very good. It kept me reading all the way through, taut with a breezy pace. Very visual.
Now, if only my relatives talked like this to me. Instead they always asking me 'what time do you call this?' and 'where is that money you owe me?' and 'did you take my car?'
Quoted from StevenClark
I enjoyed the little nuances you threw in from time to time -- Edith scratches her nose, the squirrel, ducks quacking, plop plop of the breadcrumbs. Things like that allow me to hear your story as well as visualize it. Very nicely done.
Thanks. Better than a beat or a pause. For some reason they also seem to add to the tension. Which I wasn't expecting. I took them out to see and it didn't work as well.
Quoted from StevenClark
You seem to have a lack of commas in your action passages. I don't know whether that's a conscious decision. It doesn't detract from the read at all, I think. Just thought I'd bring it up as that is perhaps your style.
It also seems to add tension. Short sentences. Have that effect. I like it. Although sometimes, it can get a bit on the nerves.
I've rewritten this thing a few times now. Got it to a point I'm pretty happy with.
Quoted from StevenClark
Overall, I liked the writing a lot, and the story. However, yes, a muddy ending kinda left me clueless as to what exactly was going down.
Naturally I'd be more inclined to the word 'ambiguous' rather than 'muddy'. As I was saying to Toby - I think you'd be less pleased than you suspect with a clear cut ending or a cut and dried explanation. Plus I think if it was filmed by someone good it would work well on screen. We live in hope.
Quoted from StevenClark
I checked back to the opening in hopes I'd find a clue with Samantha, but all I found was the dropped invoice, and that didnt really explain much.
Mystery is good, it's what keeps a reader...reading.
BUT, this wasn't intriguing enough. Not for me, sorry.
Lacks punch, IMO.
Some notes:
Why is FADE IN on the right instead of the left? I'm not criticizing. Just curious. Every once in a blue moon I see someone has it on the right. I'm so used to seeing it on the left.
Page 1 - She steps slowly toward the bed. Try "she creeps toward the bed" instead or something. "Slowly"...slows down the read.
Page 1 - "This is so and so" intro's for the characters. You can trim a little bit of space by cutting out the "this is" and (paraphrasing) "woman in bed" and "bearded man". Sure it's not much trimming but every bit counts, plus it just reads better.
I thought the pacing was very good. Very fast and made me thinking 'what's going on?' but in a good way. I always wanted to know more.
I'd be lying if I said the ending left me 100% satisfied. That said, the reason I wasn't satisfied was simply because I wanted more. If that last silenced gun shot was followed by 'opening credits roll' I'd be thinking "I want to see that movie."
Mystery is good, it's what keeps a reader...reading.
Why is FADE IN on the right instead of the left? I'm not criticizing. Just curious. Every once in a blue moon I see someone has it on the right. I'm so used to seeing it on the left.
--Steve
To answer your question Steve, 'Fade In' is a transition just like 'Fade out' and 'Cut to'. Even though many (perhaps most) writers put it on the left I do believe that putting it on the right is technically correct.
To answer your question Steve, 'Fade In' is a transition just like 'Fade out' and 'Cut to'. Even though many (perhaps most) writers put it on the left I do believe that putting it on the right is technically correct.
Yep, lots of us agree with you there Andy... as I'm sure Ren does. There was a whole thread/debate devoted to left or right, so we hopefully we won't be getting into that again... least not on this thread. A lot of pro scripts don't even bother with a FADE at all. It's become one of those 'trends.'.
As far as 'To Be' goes, I remember the original version. Good to see you're posting again Ren. This is/was some of your finest work - created quite a bit of debate from memory too re it's ending, and for some regarding 'what the hell it was all about'! We're in the business of writing scripts and film, so despite the somewhat less than satisfactory ending for some, this was never a problem for me.
In capable hands and with good actors this would film well and fit in nicely as part of a showreel for an up and comer (director/filmmaker) to display their skills I reckon.
Mystery is good, it's what keeps a reader...reading.
BUT, this wasn't intriguing enough. Not for me, sorry.
Lacks punch, IMO.
Oh dear. I'm sure there's a joke about 'punch' and 'that's what you'll be getting if you keep this up' but such banter would be beneath us.
Shame you felt like that. About the script I mean.
Quoted from deadite
Some notes:
Why is FADE IN on the right instead of the left? I'm not criticizing. Just curious. Every once in a blue moon I see someone has it on the right. I'm so used to seeing it on the left.
Cos that's where it's supposed to be.
I read pro scripts. It's nearly always there. Granted some have it on the left. Some don't have it at all. Some.... have loads... of ellipses. But Fade In is a transition. Like Cut To, and they go on the right.
Quoted from deadite
Page 1 - She steps slowly toward the bed. Try "she creeps toward the bed" instead or something. "Slowly"...slows down the read.
But it does also describe exactly how I picture her moving. I can't have her creep. Sounds like she's gonna steal something.
It doesn't slow it down that much. I see what you're saying. But I don't agree.
Quoted from deadite
Page 1 - "This is so and so" intro's for the characters. You can trim a little bit of space by cutting out the "this is" and (paraphrasing) "woman in bed" and "bearded man". Sure it's not much trimming but every bit counts, plus it just reads better.
If you like that kind of thing. I like 'This is'. I don't use it all the time but I do like it. Like cake.
Tomato and potato. And shovel. We all do it different.
Anyways, I thought you might like it more. But then again, I was sure that horse was gonna win as well. Talk about 'slowly'. Bloody nag.
Regardless, thanks Steve. Always appreciate a read from you. And Paulie.
I've seen reputable scripts (Cameron) use FADE on the right both in and out. Not sure why anyone would risk right justification when the reader may easily miss it. Left seems better IMO.
I've seen reputable scripts (Cameron) use FADE on the right both in and out. Not sure why anyone would risk right justification when the reader may easily miss it. Left seems better IMO.
Tony
Why would it matter if the reader missed it? Would they have to delete everything they've just read and start again with the FADE IN?
It slows down the read a tad, detracts from the point a little, when you mention that she 'reaches out'. You could just write, she picks up one of several invoices from the bedside table. Reaching out goes without saying. Unless she does it with her teeth, or maybe a straw, her feet, or...
I had the image of her reaching out with some effort due to her condition. If I say 'picks up' it sounds like she's fine. At least that's how I see it.
Quoted from Dustin
Same thing with the above. If you haven't described a type of scanning equipment, then it is safe to assume he is scanning with his eyes.
He is. It could be a bit clearer, maybe. I just had this image of his head still and his eyes moving.
Quoted from Dustin
Joseph scans his surroundings - deserted. I know what you're getting at though. You mention the eyes because that is where you are directing the shot. If you really want to direct the shot, then you'll need to get more descriptive. For example, Joseph keenly scans his surroundings - deserted. Inserting the word 'keenly' implies that a shot of the eyes should be utilised, IMO. There are other ways, obviously, and probably far better, it's just a quick example.
Yeah. That's a fair point. And it would. I might do that. But then again. It might be overegging it.
There's always other ways. I'm stubborn. So I tend to stick to my guns. But I've usually got my reasons.
Quoted from Dustin
Ah, OK I didn't see that coming... she paid for the invoice with not only her own life but also the life of her father Paul. So, Samantha is Caroline's sister. Very powerful stuff. Nicely done and certainly something to make us think.
Thanks very much. I won't agree or deny with your conclusions. People see different things. But it is satisfying to know you liked it.
You're probably right, as I'd then probably bash you for being too unsubtle This has kept me thinking though... in fact, I have come back to it a few times since I read it yesterday, which is always good.
Everything's there for a reason. And some are more important than others. Rereading may reward. And I'm pleased you went back to it. Hardly a higher compliment out there.
Quoted from Dustin
Without looking back through the script... is Samantha the sister or the daughter? I think it would be more powerful if the daughter... and isn't there a 20-year age gap? I think I may have had it wrong. Samantha is the daughter. So two generations die to save the daughter/granddaughter.
Now that's interesting. But is it right? There is about twenty years between Caroline and Samantha. But I never said what their relationship is.
It seems that Paul is Caroline's father, they both share the same surname and there is a similar twenty-year age gap between them as there is between Caroline and Samantha... clearly three generations. Paul and Caroline could be married, I suppose, and Samantha be their daughter, but then why go out of your way to make a point of them each separated by twenty years.
The final scene in the hospital room, when they are all together is symbolic of a 'final goodbye'. So they were both in on it, knew what was coming and planned for their own deaths. Why did it have to be specifically violent? The only thing I can think of is a life insurance payout, maybe there was a larger payout for a violent murder. At first I thought organ transfer, but only one would need to die for that and it would be better if it was less violent.. so it has to be something like an insurance payout.
Fade In on the right - that's it I'm out!! Disgraceful.
Ok, you've guessed it could give a @�&##*�$�$+�% about where it goes. For shorts I now don't care if they leave it out, but if you have the space it almost seems like a courtesy.
Writing wise I did enjoy this. Some of the extra details like the squirrel I would have dropped as not related to the dynamics of the story, but the finer detail is something I wish to improve myself.
It flowed nicely, although I was expecting a little more with such a build up. As other said, it felt like a feature opener.
Character descriptions, for those with a minor role, like the driver, I wouldn't bother describing themselves so that the reader is not trying to remember and think about any future connections, which don't appear. Again an opinion but one with helps the flow of the script, IMO.
The ending. Ok, you've gone for a mystery about what happened, and why? I think Dustin has had a fair stab. Until I read that I hadn't a clue.
I was curious and went back through the script as to why you gave Paul a surname and not the others. It was probably your intention to do this, but it took me out of the read as I was trying to see who this was connected to. Just saying.
The nurse and the story of the porter was another.
In my simple brain, the hit was either to be for revenge, or to solve the invoice. The killing of herself and the mysterious Paul, 20 years older, completed one of those. Left the inheritance? Most likely. If revenge we don't see anything to suggest this. Transplant? Again no suggestions and doesn't accord with violent end. As my daughter would say, It's a Mr Tree ...boom boom.
If it was the inheritance, and the suggestions were he had money - crisp suit, car - why isn't he helping?
I suppose I do like mystery or debate with endings, but not normally about what happened and why? more like, was it right? Without certainty over the ending this is somewhat taken away, to me.
I once went to a film festival and watched a load of short films. One was in black and white, set in a dump and had two men debate and argue in the back of a dumped car. Then it ended. I didn't Know what they were talking about. Alas the mystery was not a positive factor in that occasion, and I suppose that's the line you have you have to judge with this decisions.
To reveal, or not to reveal, that is the question
All the best.
EDIT - just remembered the man calls her Mrs Stringer in the park, which suggests she is the wife. And as she is 40's and the girl in her 20"s maybe its her daughter. But i would say that only the reader knows he's Mr Stringer, he's never called that. Still doesn't explain why. cheers
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Ah, the old Fade In Fade Out discussion. I use FD and it doesn't automatically add a FADE IN and FADE OUT, but if I write FADE IN: it automatically puts it on the left and does the same for FADE OUT, except it automatically puts it on the right. Does it matter? Not to me it doesn't. It won't make me not read a script if it's not. I quickly checked a few pro scripts I have and they all have FADE IN on the left. That was all.
I understand FADE IN left or right is a big issue among the Lilliputians.
The left-enders demand it be on the left, the right-enders demand it on the right.
Now, was this guy a left-ender or a right-ender? I forget?
Frankly, I find the inclusion of FI & FO in a screenplay to be absurd. Just a convention I roll my eyes at as I put something there to appease the Lilliputians.
Sorry. Just a moment of contemplation to a higher being, there.
Now then. Going backwards. In replies, I mean. Me, that is. Jeez. I could have put all that better. Or perhaps not.
RayW is always one to pick up on the more obscure references. Which makes me smile. Have to say you've persuaded me somewhat. I may not bother with the fade ins at all. Thinking about it I don't really want them to start by fading in anyway. Moving swiftly on...
Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Writing wise I did enjoy this. Some of the extra details like the squirrel I would have dropped as not related to the dynamics of the story, but the finer detail is something I wish to improve myself.
It flowed nicely, although I was expecting a little more with such a build up. As other said, it felt like a feature opener.
I'll take all that as praise. As I've said I've played with extending this script and it didn't make it better. I may try again sometime, once I've finished up what I'm working on.
Quoted from Reef Dreamer
The ending. Ok, you've gone for a mystery about what happened, and why? I think Dustin has had a fair stab. Until I read that I hadn't a clue.
Indeed he did. But there are many ways to look at it.
Quoted from Reef Dreamer
I was curious and went back through the script as to why you gave Paul a surname and not the others. It was probably your intention to do this, but it took me out of the read as I was trying to see who this was connected to. Just saying.
The nurse and the story of the porter was another.
I see in your edit you mention more. The reason he has a surname is another bit of info but not quite enough to hang a certainty to. It means he's related. But it's never said in what way.
Quoted from Reef Dreamer
In my simple brain, the hit was either to be for revenge, or to solve the invoice. The killing of herself and the mysterious Paul, 20 years older, completed one of those. Left the inheritance? Most likely. If revenge we don't see anything to suggest this. Transplant? Again no suggestions and doesn't accord with violent end. As my daughter would say, It's a Mr Tree ...boom boom.
If it was the inheritance, and the suggestions were he had money - crisp suit, car - why isn't he helping?
Good question. Why not? Natutally I'm going to be as vague as an MP during an inquiry. It's up to you.
Quoted from Reef Dreamer
I suppose I do like mystery or debate with endings, but not normally about what happened and why? more like, was it right? Without certainty over the ending this is somewhat taken away, to me.
I once went to a film festival and watched a load of short films. One was in black and white, set in a dump and had two men debate and argue in the back of a dumped car. Then it ended. I didn't Know what they were talking about. Alas the mystery was not a positive factor in that occasion, and I suppose that's the line you have you have to judge with this decisions.
To reveal, or not to reveal, that is the question
All the best.
Many thanks, RD. Sorry not to be of more help. I enjoyed your comments. I still think this might work out on well on film. Hopefully better than the one on at the film festival.
Quoted from Dustin
It seems that Paul is Caroline's father, they both share the same surname and there is a similar twenty-year age gap between them as there is between Caroline and Samantha... clearly three generations. Paul and Caroline could be married, I suppose, and Samantha be their daughter, but then why go out of your way to make a point of them each separated by twenty years.
The final scene in the hospital room, when they are all together is symbolic of a 'final goodbye'. So they were both in on it, knew what was coming and planned for their own deaths. Why did it have to be specifically violent? The only thing I can think of is a life insurance payout, maybe there was a larger payout for a violent murder. At first I thought organ transfer, but only one would need to die for that and it would be better if it was less violent.. so it has to be something like an insurance payout.
There's lots of interesting ideas and conclusions here. Paul and Caroline could be married. Or they could be in-laws. Or former in-laws. That's the problem with names. They only tell you so much. But they do appear together.
And that business at the end. How do we know that it's connected to that business with the ducks and the warehouse? We don't. We just assume it is.
And who were those guys with the VO? What was all that about? And them ducks. And that squirrel. What the fuck is going on there?
Nice analysis on the hospital room But it doesn't have to be an insurance payout. Nor a transplant. But it might be either. Or maybe both.
I'll leave that with you.
I think I responded to everybody who commented on the script. I do apologise for being vague. But that's kinda the whole point of the script.
If anyone wants a return read please PM me. I'll do my best to reurn the favour.
I thought this was a solid script, though I agree with most on here about it seeming like it would work best as part of a bigger picture. You set up a lot of ideas, locations and characters in a short period of time. For the most part, the pacing moved along at a good clip, though I will admit that I did have to re-read certain parts. That probably has to do more with me reading this so early in the morning
Rob
"Why don't we just...wait here for a little while...see what happens?"
I'm still spaced out by your avatar of Billy Zen, I mean Zane. A shame the nirvana stuff didn't save his career. Alas, he's up there with Christian Slater and Val Kilmer. In stuff that goes straight to DVD and then promptly straight into the bargain bin.
Thanks very much for the review. It all sounds about right. Although late evening might be a better time to read. I may try and expand the thing again some time. With some luck it may work. Or maybe it should be with some work it may get lucky.
Right, I'm off to take Dorff's advice and buy an E cig.
So it's dot to dot without a picture? Okay: The VO's are nature photographers taking pictures of that damn squirrel catching its nuts. The 'accident' is the numb-nut porter that Edith trips up sending him crashing into one of those trolleys they all push around. $200 - I wanted a little more fun for my cash. Bank robbery was just a bummer - parked opposite them, so they had to go, anyone who could identify them, see? Ahh... and FADE IN on the right - so we'd all not see a thing anyhow 'cos it'd be filmed in the dark... clever.
Liked the writing, the pace, the way it appeared to be put together etc; though it well written TBH - just wondering where you go with something like this? Are you saying that there is a logic to it or that it really doesn't make all add up? That's kind of like a jigsaw puzzle where all the pieces don't add up to a complete picture.
The pieces can add up. Different people see different things and come to differing conclusions. I wanted to write something that didn't hit you over the head with the plot every few seconds. There's a bit too much of that about these days.
It's ambiguous in parts but I still think it can add up. There's nothing much extra in there, apart from maybe a squirrel. It has a clear ending. It's just not clear who did what. I like that.
I was just trying to write something I hadn't seen and might be good.
I'm still spaced out by your avatar of Billy Zen, I mean Zane. A shame the nirvana stuff didn't save his career. Alas, he's up there with Christian Slater and Val Kilmer. In stuff that goes straight to DVD and then promptly straight into the bargain bin.
I love me some Zane, I must admit. He fires on all cylinders when his ego is front and center, Titanic and Demon Knight are the first that come to mind. Hell, I even got 2 Twitter replies back from him and all I had to do was tell him I enjoyed his role in Demon Knight. Lame, I know.
Thanks very much for the review. It all sounds about right. Although late evening might be a better time to read. I may try and expand the thing again some time. With some luck it may work. Or maybe it should be with some work it may get lucky.
Between my multiple jobs, the early morning is about the only time I get. If reviewed at night, my words would probably be punctuated by a little bit of Scotch and I can't be faulted for the type of review that comes out of me then haha.
I do look forward to your next offering, though!
"Why don't we just...wait here for a little while...see what happens?"
It was a good read in my opinion. I'm all about leaving a question or a mystery to the end of a story. That's what gets people talking, I could name numerous films that have done so, but this will only bore you.
Could you clear this up for me? Is Samantha the daughter or the sister? I'm sure the script didn't mention her being related?
I had a few minutes at work to read today so I figured I better start repaying some debt here.
I don't remember if I've read this one before. Something seemed familiar, but I can't remember. I read a lot so that has no meaning as far as the quality of your script goes.
The really good thing with your script is that it kept me turning the pages, or more accurately scrolling to the next pages. You created mystery and intrigue. Well done on that. The writing was fine. It was an easy breezy read.
Story wise it left me a bit confused. As I understood the story, Caroline is either Samantha's mother or older sister or someone other really really close. Samantha has cancer and the bills are stacking up. Maybe this meant to that she can't pay for her treatments? And if she can't, she will die. Caroline then offers her own life to help save Samantha. I wasn't real clear on exactly how. Life insurance? That was my thought at least. What kept me intrigued, but also confused me in the end was Joseph and his people. I didn't quite get why they were following in the van with surveillance equipment and why Joseph had to drag Caroline into the woods and then shove her out and then the facial masks. I wished some of these things would've been made a little more clear, but other than that, I think you did a great job. Maybe you should write action/thrillers?
I read some of the comments, but not all of them, so excuse me if I've repeated others.
I thought it was going to be about Caroline getting back to those who put Samantha in the hospital in the first place... but that's not what happened.
It was written well, but there weren't a lot of answers. I agree that it could be a great opening to a feature.
Since it revolves around Samantha, I assumed we'd see more of her.
At least in the states, the patients don't receive the bills until after treatment. I don't know why Samantha had them near the bed, unless Caroline brought them. But why would she worry her daughter more than she needs to?
It seems to me that you don't know what your story is really about. Your logline doesn't suit this script properly, either.
It seems to me that you don't know what your story is really about. Your logline doesn't suit this script properly, either.
That's a bit strong, isn't it? Do I owe you money or something?
I think I do know what my story's about - seven pages or so. And, I've said in the past, it can be viewed many ways, depending on the reader's point of view.
As an example you assume the invoices are medical bills and they are hers. But the script doesn't say that. It just says they are invoices. And they could have been there for some time.
Since it revolves around Samantha, I assumed we'd see more of her.
You've also assumed it revolves around Samantha. Sorry, that sounds like a smartarse comment. Not my intention. But the point I was making is - it isn't necessarily so. There could be other reasons.
I could give a rundown of who's connected to who and how. And what exactly is happening. But that's not the idea. Each brings their own ideas and interpretations to it.
Thanks for the kind comments. Obviously you're a man of wise and fine taste.
You're right - it doesn't mention if they're related. I could state if they are or not. Or she could be a cousin, or niece. Or ex lover. But stating would take the mystery out of it. Think of it this way - if you knew for sure, would it make it a better story, or a worse one?
Angry Bear
You may have read it before. It was up quite some time ago for a while.
Thanks for the comments on the writing. I do like to think it is one of my better efforts.
All valid theories you have there. There's also the business of these people on the VO watching Joseph. Who the hell are they?
Maybe I should write action thrillers. God knows I've tried. Well, it's easy enough starting them.
Now, back to having another go at finishing Liberties.
Tailbest
I probably should have answered when you wrote but I couldn't think of much of substance to add. Instead I'll have a look to see how Dorff and his bluetip are and what you've done to the poor lad this time.
The writing is solid from a technical perspective so I won’t dwell on that.
However I am curious about the story and you’re intentions with it.
My interpretation is that Samantha is the daughter of Caroline but not Paul. Considering the age gap between the latter two, maybe Samantha is Caroline’s daughter from a previous marriage. It looks like they are wealthy but perhaps it’s all Paul’s money and he isn’t willing to pay for the necessary treatment for Samantha since she is not his kid.
Out of desperation, Caroline sets up a meeting with Joseph and co. (an assassin corp. that’s known to authorities it seems!) orders a hit on her and Paul (to deflect any suspicion off her I imagine) so that Samantha will be bequeathed the inheritance to pay for her own treatment or whatever she needs done to get better.
I could, and probably am, way off here but interested to hear your explanation.
Sorry for taking so long to respond. I wrote one and thought I posted it. It's just as well I'm not a doctor or nuclear technician.
As I've said to a few others I'm none too keen on tying this down to one clear and simple explanation. There's certain facts that can't be denied, even by the likes of me being as obtuse and obscure as I can.
maybe Samantha is Caroline’s daughter from a previous marriage.
Now, there's an idea. They visit her in hospital and offer help. They have to be close, or related. Or both. So they're not just neighbours or those friends who wave at each other in the street. But I'm still fond of the idea that we're never sure. The same goes for the rest of the story. I'm fond of the idea that after reading it you're left wondering and puzzling as to what and why.
When I first wrote this I wanted to write something that could be viewed numerous ways. I realise my responses may annoy some. However, I also think my idea and script are good, so I'm sticking to my guns.
One day, if I have more money than sense (it's been said to me this shouldn't be too difficult to achieve) I'll make this, or get someone with skill to do so.
I hope that helps Col, although reading it back, it probably hasn't.
You don't need money to make a short film. You just need the drive.
Like-minded people that already have equipment can be sought out. The negative production costs of the short film we just produced was £500. Usually the editing alone would come in at a few grand. We also shot in a nightclub with over twenty extras. Actors I chauffeured myself and we home-cooked them food.
You'll really be surprised what you can pull off if you've got the drive to do it.
But my house doesn't have one. Next door's does. Do you think I could borrow it? If only they'd talk to me. They keep telling me to get off their lawn. I did mention 'All property is theft.' Then they started throwing sticks and stones. I thought this is my moment to tell them that they may hurt my bones. The fuckers finished me off by beating me and calling me a wanker.
Quoted from Dustin
The negative production costs of the short film we just produced was £500.
500 quid? I have not 500 pence. I thought you said you don't need money. I don't even have a drive. Did I mention the neighbours. Oh, yeah. I've already done that bit.
Quoted from Dustin
You'll really be surprised what you can pull off if you've got the drive to do it.
Hang on, I've done this bit.
Seriously, you have a point. I doubt my cooking would inspire an actor good enough for an advert, never mind a short film. And my driving skills and sense of direction are not too sharp either. And no darling, I'm not asking the strange man in the long coat for directions.
It can be done. At this stage I think I'd rather leave it to someone who's done stuff and got the contacts and crew and the money. Maybe things will change. Maybe the neighbours will lighten up. I'll start by staying off their lawn. For a while.
I like the idea of this being filmed in a straight forward manner.
If the audience has the chance to put the story together, just as the reader does, no matter what conclusion is drawn it will be exciting. Maybe because each segment of the story seems complete and each seems to be the most important.
The viewer, like the reader, can find what seems to be the one true thread of the story, no matter where he or she looks.
For example, this last time I read it, it seems like they're all just terrorists. Well, Caroline and Paul, anyway. She requiring a show of violence, he watching for a news bulletin -- both of them thinking they have the power. Both of them sitting ducks...
I like the scene where Caroline exits the van and thanks Joseph (for the ride? for solving her problems? for not killing her?) and then Joseph asks if she has cash for the train ticket. His concern seems like kindness, it's a surprise, then of course no, he's assuring that the operation runs smoothly... or both, or neither.
In any event, this is a very impressive creation, really, very skilled writing.
You've read closely and got it. I worked on this for a long time. You mention some of the things I intended. In skilled hands it would make a good short film methinks.
Much appreciated.
I would say the cheque is in the post. But I don't know where you live. And I haven't got any money. Or a chequebook.
I really enjoyed this. Thought the writing was pretty spot on. Had no gripes with the end. But I also love ambiguous endings. I'll admit I don't fully know what happened but have a few Ideas. That makes it kind of fun. Have no real critiques as this story feels like it's one that just is what it is. Nice job. And agree with LC it has potential to be a great piece for a showreel. Nice job.
Glad you feel like that. It's one of my favourite scripts.
The ambuguity was the point. Piddled off a few but what can you do? It's gratifying to know you enjoyed it. No higher compliment can be paid. Perhaps.
Naturally I thoroughly agree it would make a good piece for a showreel. Just got to find a director, sort out the locations, get a couple of really good actors, source some fancy mask for that bit, then shoot it well. Doddle! Oh, some funding would be handy and all. Maybe one day. You never can tell.
I'm reading yours shortly. I do hope you enjoy Blood Group. Either way I'll be interested in what you think.
Nice script here. Read it about five times and couldn't make any definite conclusions about the story. Not sure it matters.
Do have a concern that a concept such as this would essentially be lost on a movie audience who only really watch something once and move on to the next thing.
I would be tempted to suggest that you should find a way of telling the audience that they need to interpret things themselves...make it an overt part of the script, if you know what I mean. Like have a character say something about how life is complicated, it's all about perspectives...whatever...just something early doors to prepare people for the type of film it is...otherwise I fear it will be interpreted as a story that's not properly constructed.
Glad this one popped up in the Portal. Enjoyed it very much -- the writing especially. Efficient, spare, and that air of knowing something we don't.
I didn't read the comments until later (still haven't read the logline) and was surprised at some of the reaction. I figured I understood the deal, but then again...
Steady. Less of the old, STF. I'm in my prime. Good to hear from you.
Hang on, 'Renners, old boy' ? Are we in a Wodehouse novel? If so, I'll have a dry sherry. Splendid.
Many apologies for the delay. I've been away. No, I didn't. I was innocent. That money was just resting in my account. Holiday, honest. I was in no way evading anything.
Do have a concern that a concept such as this would essentially be lost on a movie audience who only really watch something once and move on to the next thing.
Not really. I'm hardly David Lynch, I'm not even Brad Ratner, but I think if you show them something intriguing they will puzzle and ponder. Or else run away and move on, as they did with the end of Interstellar. Mind you, that was a bit of a stretch, even for me.
I would be tempted to suggest that you should find a way of telling the audience that they need to interpret things themselves...make it an overt part of the script, if you know what I mean.
Like have a character say something about how life is complicated, it's all about perspectives...whatever...just something early doors to prepare people for the type of film it is...otherwise I fear it will be interpreted as a story that's not properly constructed.
Rick
Ooh I dunno about that. Sounds a little on the nose for me. Hmm, maybe you've got a point though. I'll have a think about it. Many thanks for the read.
Glad this one popped up in the Portal. Enjoyed it very much -- the writing especially. Efficient, spare, and that air of knowing something we don't.
I didn't read the comments until later (still haven't read the logline) and was surprised at some of the reaction. I figured I understood the deal, but then again...
Henry
I thought I'd posted a reply to this already.
Hmm. It may have been one of those nights when I was a little 'tired and emotional' and unable to focus on the buttons. Or focus at all.
Obviously an unusual occasion these days. I never normally touch the stuff. That's my story, officer. And no, this isn't my car.
Glad you liked it, Henry. The script that is. I'm not doing that other thing again. I don't care if you bought me flowers and chocolates. It's just not right.
It is rather good, isn't it? The script I mean. Like Hugh Grant after that hooker business, I'm not one for blowing my own trumpet. But someone has to now again. I don't mean go with hookers. You can if you want.
Then again indeed.
One day someone with more talent and money than me might make this.
I've got about twelve pound fifty at the moment so here's hoping.
Many thanks for the read. Many apologies for the delay. You could have grown a beard Brian Blessed would be proud of in the mean time. It's just not good enough, is it?
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This has kept me thinking though... in fact, I have come back to it a few times since I read it yesterday, which is always good. 
That's pretty funny. Sounds obsessive-compulsive.
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