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Yeah, I changed a few things. I'm changing a few more things as I give this a rewrite. Almost done--halfway there.
Yeah, it might seem strange him carrying a gun in there, but PTSD does include paranoia so it's not too far of a stretch, I hope. Also, I think it adds to the tension of the piece, whereas we're not sure what this guy's gonna do. Hopefully, that's exactly what it added. I think Johnny mentioned that he thought I was gonna go dark, so I think it kinda works.
And thanks to all who commented. Your ideas about what I should add were duly noted.
P7 - is dobbs OS? Oh yes he is. - the enter part through me
Finished.
Decent story. The handling of the check point was very good. We don't get an explanation for why she goes around the check point but I feel it works in the 'fog' of war etc would a shot up child fall out the car?
A few thoughts are below, they may not all work but could be food for thought.
Aim for a few pages shorter - or add more, like a scene before dad goes to war - it's not like this is a cheap to shoot script so no problem in adding Keep the kid and father scene short and crisp - the gap from the school to the bedroom just feels a tad disjointed Likewise the build up with the father inside the box could be crisper - I think, trying to rememeber. This script is about the combination of the school and war, scenes so don't worry about being crisp and clear on that one - gives meaning Gun - I would show this early, sets up a 'what's he going to do with it' feeling, especially coming out the box You may want to show him walking the street - some form of torment
Balance - I quiet like this. The sense of being knocked off course. Initially I thought the parallel wasn't quite there as it was her performance, versus an event happening to him, but then again it was his performance, he was in charge.
Could she fall, but get up and finsih - he watches, learns from her.
Could she be a little more determined to overcome?
The reintegration of a war affected soldier is decent subkpject matter. Shown against the parallel of his child and her challenges is also good.
It maybe me but I like the final scene, etc to deliver the biggest punch. Could it have a concluding quote to wrap up the theme.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Thank you so much for having a look. I was wondering when someone would comment about the balance parallel between Katy being a gymnast and her father being in Afghanistan and what happened to him there. I always thought the parallel was there, I just had to make sure that the events happening in both areas were linked. I think I covered that a little better in my rewrite.
It's not going to be much longer--maybe a page or so.
I like the idea of Showing David tormented. I reworded a particular scene to try and emphasize that point. And I also like your idea of ending with a knockout punch through dialogue, and I know where I could do that, but I think it might end to abruptly. I think in the final scene where David walks past the nite lite illustrates the point that there is light in his darkness. At least that's what I was going for.
Where's all the peeps? Steve put a lot of time and effort in this. I read it awhile back and really enjoyed it. Hopefully others will agree.
Quoted from Mark
Gotta agree with Dirk here, Steve is a pretty active member who reads and comments on many members scripts.
I'm kinda surprised you haven't had more reads, this is great short.
Mark
Now I'm getting the warm and fuzzy's...
You guys are great, really. But I am quite satisfied with the reads I've gotten thus far. A few more peeps chimed in, and out of all of them I only had to beg one person.
Loving the changes you made, Steve. Everything just feels right now. IMO, anyone can piece together a short story but not everyone has the eye for the little things that turns an ordinary script into one that shines above the rest.
Great imagery at the end with David in Katy's bedroom flashing back to the young girl and the woman screaming in Afghan. Haunting to say the least.
Overall, very satisfiying to read a well written story that takes the reader on an emotional rollercoaster ride. Excellent job, bro!!!!
This was well written for the most part but it was too "Hallmark Channel" for my taste.
The only real complaint I have is the rank and ages of your characters. If these guys are in the U.S. military, then they got in trouble at some point in their career and got busted down in rank.
There's no way a 39-year-old man would be a Corporal in the US Army. If that man joined the Army when he was 18, he'd be a year past retirement at 39. This man should be a Sergeant First Class or Master Sergeant. A Sergeant Major wouldn't be on a checkpoint like this. Either that or change his age.
Same with the 22-year-old Private. If a 22-year-old was a Private, he really fucked up and had all his rank stripped from him. A private would be 18.
Some of the radio chatter didn't ring true to me either, but that was negligible.
First off, great avatar. I remember that doll scared the crap out of me when I was a kid.
Second, it's been said before but you really are a great writer. I don't mind the prose either; like when the girl passes and locks eyes with Katy. That's just good writing there.
Third, this seems like the start of a feature. It does kind of just...end. With no real resolution. But I think you've got rich enough characters and a good enough story, that you could turn this into a pretty good feature-length drama. But that's just how I see it.
Thanks for reading this (again) and for the kind comments. Your numerous reads, input and honesty really helped me out a lot on this. I really do appreciate your time. Mark's input was helpful as well, but I have no doubt that he read this while sitting on the can.
Jordan,
Thanks for taking a read!
Quoted from jordan
This was well written for the most part but it was too "Hallmark Channel" for my taste.
I didn't know a half-scalped woman staggering out of a bullet-ridden car was indicative of a Hallmark Channel original.
Quoted from jordan
The only real complaint I have is the rank and ages of your characters. If these guys are in the U.S. military, then they got in trouble at some point in their career and got busted down in rank.
Dammit! You have got me there. I spoke with an ex-Army friend of mine about the dialogue--he said it was fine, but I never even thought to ask about the ages and ranks. That's a major mistake on my part. Any future revisions will correct these. Thanks for that.
This seems like the start of a feature. It does kind of just...end. With no real resolution. But I think you've got rich enough characters and a good enough story, that you could turn this into a pretty good feature-length drama. But that's just how I see it.
If there is a resolution here -- and you raise a fair point -- it's buried in the metaphor that the candle nite lite provides. I meant that to be David's light shining in the darkness, lighting his way, so to speak. So, if anything, it allows hope for David. Not cut and dry, and it doesn't necessarily pack a wallop, but that's how I saw it.
Funny you mention it feels like the start of a feature because I was thinking the very same thing just this afternoon. Although at the start of writing this the thought never even occurred to me. Maybe one day. Thanks again! I owe you one.
My thoughts exactly. Heartfelt and real. You should consider submitting this one to the Bluecat or other competitions if you haven't already. Could be a serious contender, IMO.