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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Uncertainty Principle Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Uncertainty Principle  (currently 982 views)
Don
Posted: April 23rd, 2014, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Uncertainty Principle by Sebastian B - Short, Drama, Sci Fi - Three scientists working in a particle accelerator are on the verge of a major scientific breakthrough but they are in conflict over what the discovery actually means. - pdf, format


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Forgive
Posted: April 24th, 2014, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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mike should be mic.

I don't the numbers in the dialogue works well, maybe find a work-around.

Constantin - she's a female? That's not obvious until Stanskin calls her 'honey', so it comes across odd.

The students get ready to leave.
-- how do you know this - they're O.S.

Sorry, by page 5 we have Linda now O.S., and I'm getting completely confused - it seems like everyone's O.S - but Linda's talking to Constantin who isn't O.S.

I'm also at a loss as to what the story is? Sorry - can't get into it.
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Sebastian
Posted: April 29th, 2014, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for taking a stab at reading my script. Numbers are not easy to read that is true. I appreciate you took the time and all your comments are very helpful.
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rendevous
Posted: April 29th, 2014, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Away

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You should spell numbers out in dialogue. Just using the figures is wrong as the actor would have to actually say them. It's fine using them in action lines, but not in dialogue.

I did try a few pages but it is very confusing. You need to make it clearer.

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Out Of Character - updated


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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 30th, 2014, 1:20am Report to Moderator
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They are actually working in the particle accelerator? Sounds like it could be fun, only I get the impression that not much is going to happen. Nobody is going to turn green or start smashing things.

55 pages is also too long for a short. You might as well add more filler and make it a feature. I suppose it could be a one-off hour-long drama.

I took a look, and it seems to be written by a young hand... or maybe just a novice writer. Where you've written (O.S.) should be (V.O.), and no need to write CONT'D every time  a character speaks more than once.

Read lots. A good thing to do is hang around here and just learn. You'll pick a little bit up off everyone. In a year or two, you'll be one of the 'amateur pro's'.
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Sebastian
Posted: April 30th, 2014, 5:12am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for reading it, man. I am workshopping the script, we shoot what we have then change what  doesn't sound natural, so we are playing with it. It is not a monster/zombie alien flick  or any of this kind but rather wanted to play with genres a lot and styles. Second half of the script is also more wordy and staged coz that's the direction I wanted to take: more theatrical...

again thanks for the comments
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