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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Switch Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 11th, 2014, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Switch by JD Long - Short, Drama - A modern imaging of Roald Dahl's THE GREAT SWITCHEROO (1974) 12 pages - pdf, format


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DustinBowcot
Posted: May 16th, 2014, 1:42am Report to Moderator
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Weird story... something different. I liked it. However, there is a lot wrong with your structure. You are a good writer, you just need to learn how to write screenplays properly.

Code

OPEN.

1. INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT (LOUNGE) - NIGHT

Jake and Sam are hosting a moving-in party in their new...



You don't need scene numbers in a spec. You don't start a screenplay with OPEN. In the slug you place LIVING ROOM in brackets, it should read like this: INT. JAKE'S APARTMENT - LOUNGE - NIGHT

In your first sentence you tell us what is happening rather than showing us. Screenplays are about show not tell. Write only what we see on screen. You need to figure out some other way of imparting the information that Jake and Sam are hosting a moving-in party. Describe ONLY what is happening on screen, no more.

I'll go into more if you're around.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 16th, 2014, 3:30am Report to Moderator
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To echo Dustin's comments - you need to read more re proper formating, otherwise you'll put readers/producers off from the start.

Not sure what software you've written it in but try a dedicated screenwriting package (CeltX is free)... it will take care of most if the formatting for you.

So my additional thoughts.

The action lines are too long, they need to be shorter and pithier - remember 'show not tell' with a script.

Have a good read through and look for typos and grammar errors. E.g. 'Nick downs in drink and turns' - 'in' should be 'his' i'm guessing?

When they are discussing the set-up later on they are drinking wine... might be me but beer would seem more in character.

The story felt like something you might see in FHM but the twist was a little too telegraphed... have you thought of reversing which wife wakes up happiest? If it was switched it would definitely subvert the readers expectations of the twist!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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