Alex,

While your script is littered with errors of every variety, you have a creepy tale here.  I especially liked the images of Derek's corpse popping up here and there.

Unfortunately you're not going to get many full reads due to the myriad problems.

What country are you from, Alex?  Your sentence structure seems foreign.

::SPOILERS::
As I go:

• Pg. 1  "Title card:" should be "SUPERIMPOSE:"
  
• Pg. 1  Try to avoid, "We hear" "We see"  "We fade".  Just describe what's shown or heard.
  
• Pg. 1  Instead of "we fade in to...", just use "FADE IN:"
  
• Pg. 1  I see that you wrote this as a shooting script, so the camera directions are acceptable, but just know that in a spec script, they're not wanted.
  
• Pg. 1  You already said we're in the woods in the slugline.  There's no need to repeat that the 17-year-old boy is "digging into the rocky soil of the woods."  Just say he's digging into the rocky soil.
  
• Pg. 1  Hyphenate 17-year-old.
  
• Pg. 1  "CUT TO:" should be on its own line as a transition.
  
• Pg. 1  Your dialogue is horrible.  It's more than on-the-nose.  It's up the nose and festering, oozing bloody puss from the nostrils then drying and crusting on herpetic lips.  Read your dialogue aloud to see if it sounds natural.  Don't be so direct with what the characters are saying.  Be subtle.
  
• Pg. 2  "Words out that their both talking."  Learn the difference between, "their", "they're" and "there".
  
• Pg. 2  "He turn to Paul...", should read, "He turns to Paul..."
  
• Pg. 2  You use "CONTINUED" from page to page yet you don't use it when the same character speaks in two adjacent blocks of dialogue.  Why?
  
• Pg. 3  "YEAH! of course not."  You need to capitalize the next word after an exclamation point.
  
• Pg. 3  Your dialogue is still horrible.
  
• Pg. 4  Does everyone have everyone else's phone number in this town?  I never had the phone numbers of people outside of my circle of friends.  Roderick having Derek's phone number seems strange.
  
• Pg. 5  Change Derek's name or Roderick's name.  They're too similar.
  
• Pg. 5  Why DID Derek come to meet Roderick under a bridge?  I would never go meet someone under a bridge unless there was a very good reason to do so.
  
• Pg. 6  "Fuck you for coming her..." spell check.
  
• Pg. 6  "Derek looks at him, know that this bugs him."  What?
  
• Pg. 6  You already caught "doges" but this is just one of the spelling errors.
  
• Pg. 6  "bunches" should be "punches".  Proofread.
  
• Pg. 6  "chocking" should be "choking", unless you really do mean he's "furnishing with or securing by a chock or chocks."
  
• Pg. 7  Try to avoid 8 line action blocks.
  
• Pg. 7  What is newly pounded floor?
  
• Pg. 7  "CUT TO-" is a transition and should be on its own line.
  

I was going to do this for the entire script but it's just more of the same.  You do a good job of making Roderick relive the same day and you have some very nice creepy moments, but like I said, your script is riddled with errors that make it difficult, thus unenjoyable, to read.
::END SPOILERS::

It's great that you're on here commenting, but be sure to do so with an open mind, taking everyone's advice with a grain of salt.  There's no one way to write, but some ways are better than others.

Jordan

Quoted from Cosmo deadite, what do you mean by it runs rampant?

It is throughout the script.

Quoted from CalebHart Alex, for these guys to encourage you not to use FADE IN: and keep the used title (which by the way was one of the crappiest movies of all-time) is just fltaout bad advice, IMO.

I agree on the encouragement of keeping the title as bad advice and would flat out ignore anyone who suggests it.  By that frame of thinking, it would be OK for me to write a gangster script and call it "American Gangster".  Uh, no.  The title's been taken, it's a very popular (and recent) film.  Try to come up with something else....but the content of the script is a bigger issue.  Many rewrites are in order.  I won't even get into the whole "to Fade in or not to Fade in" business because if we start talking about that, we will be here all day and the next couple of weeks talking about it, making diagrams with straws.

Alex,

Sorry to do this to you, but I was only able to get through about 7 pages.  I'm not going to go into the formatting issues, as they've already been addressed.

My main problem is the dialogue.  It's really on-the-nose.  Everyone speaks in exposition and says things no normal person would say.  You need to inject some subtly into your characters.  Make it so that they don't just come right out and say everything.  Because as it stands right now, they're just vehicles for delivering information, not characters.  (Example:  No one would ever say "They cyber-bullied her last night."  That reads more like a news article, not a couple teens talking about their friend being harrassed.)

I stopped at Page 7 because of the giant blocks of description.  That's asking a lot of your reader.  Make your descriptions more succinct.  Only include what absolutely needs to be there.

Sorry I couldn't be a bigger help.  Good luck with the script.

-Matt

This is a short and he can call it whatever he likes. I think the title is fine. It's a well-known phrase and cannot be owned by a film. I don't see why it is bad advice. Same as FADE IN. Just leave it out... who cares? Only a handful of screenplay writers that aren't looking to buy a script.

Quoted from DustinBowcot This is a short and he can call it whatever he likes. I think the title is fine. It's a well-known phrase and cannot be owned by a film. I don't see why it is bad advice.

You'd know why if you saw the film.  It was absolutely horrible.  I woudn't want "my script" associated with it.  But you're right...to each their own.

Dressel thank you for actually giving me an example of how the dialogue seems weird. I see now what you guys are talking about. It's very spoon fed.

Normad, I'm little bit Puerto Rican but I'm more American. I think your pointing out my dyslexia, which is really bad. It's common haha lots of people point it out. Oh and I appreciate you listing the errors by page. I would have never put that much time into correcting a strangers script that didn't ask me too. So thank you.

Caleb I'm going to use your description as a reference. I do like parts of it and the words you used.

Other than that, I'm totally going to take Dreamscale 's advice and read some of you guys' scripts. I'm going to be searching around this website but if you want to send it to me directly, my email is: alexg.zander@gmail.com

Good to see you taking it in stride.

Welcome aboard.

Good job, Zander.  It's nice to see a writer accepting less than positive feedback and taking it in stride, in an effort to become a better writer.

I too welcome you aboard the ship!

Quoted from CalebHart You'd know why if you saw the film.  It was absolutely horrible.  I woudn't want "my script" associated with it.  But you're right...to each their own.

Whether Nicolas Winding Refn's film Only God Forgives was horrible or not, wouldn't you want your own material to be original?  With this title, you're making someone instantly think of somebody else's movie.  Why would you want to do that?  It's not like the title comes from some obscure flick no one has ever heard of before, then maybe I would understand...but Refn's Only God Forgives is a pretty well known movie, with a well known cast.  IMO, Make your script stand out on its own in every way possible.  Characters, story, title, everything.  Be different.

Well yeah make everything different. I think everything is different except the title. But I like it, I think it really goes well with the story, the devil not forgiving him and all that. I understand the warnings you guys are giving me.



The movie is pretty bad.

Quoted from CalebHart You'd know why if you saw the film.  It was absolutely horrible.  I woudn't want "my script" associated with it.  But you're right...to each their own.

Your script wouldn't be associated with it just because you chose the same popular phrase as your title.

Was Gladiator associated with any of the films called Gladiator previously? Or what about The Avengers?

Only God Forgives does not belong to any film. It is a famous phrase that has been said for (probably) hundreds of years. A film stealing that phrase does not take ownership of it. It is still just a phrase that can be used by anyone at any time for anything.

It's not even as though the film you are talking about is iconic, or noteworthy in any way. I just checked and I remember watching around 5 minutes of it and switching it off.

Telling somebody they should use a different title because it has already been 'taken' is wrong. It is perfectly fine to use any title you want, so long as it isn't trademarked.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Telling somebody they should use a different title because it has already been 'taken' is wrong. It is perfectly fine to use any title you want, so long as it isn't trademarked.

You're completely missing the point and seem to lack common sense regarding this particular subject.    Not to mention OGF was so bad, Refn pretty much ruined the title for all others to follow.  Go watch the rest of the film and then spout off about what's right and wrong.

Quoted from CalebHart Not to mention OGF was so bad, Refn pretty much ruined the title for all others to follow.  Go watch the rest of the film and then spout off about what's right and wrong.

I liked it It was more of the same from Refn, similar in style to his Valhalla Rising (which I loved) and while I can certainly understand people hating the movie, I did like it. It was atmospheric.

Quoted from Demento I liked it It was more of the same from Refn, similar in style to his Valhalla Rising (which I loved) and while I can certainly understand people hating the movie, I did like it. It was atmospheric.

I'd love to continue this discussion on another thread, but not this one.  Doesn't seem fair to Zander.

I'm out.

Quoted from CalebHart You're completely missing the point and seem to lack common sense regarding this particular subject.    Not to mention OGF was so bad, Refn pretty much ruined the title for all others to follow.  Go watch the rest of the film and then spout off about what's right and wrong.

I don't agree that the popular phrase 'Only God forgives' has been owned by that film. I don't need to watch the rest of the film to have an opinion on whether or not the popular phrase should be reused as the title of another feature. I haven't missed your point, I've simply argued against it.