Red Hill Blazers by Nathan Hill - Short, Western - After a series of bank robberies, a local sheriff becomes nervy. 34 pages - pdf, format

Code OPEN ON A BLACK SCREEN. UNKNOWN VOICE (O.S) In the shady town of Red Hill lies a bank that has never been touched, that’s the place for outlaws to be. “RED HILL BLAZERS” blasts onto the black screen in red.

You use V.O. not O.S.

Code EXT. RED HILL- OUTSIDE OF THE SHERIFF’S OFFICE-DAY

We already know we are outside because you use EXT.

Code The sun shines down on the dusty town of Red Hill.

How else would the sun shine? Could it shine up? We also already know we are in Red Hill. Why does the sun simply shine? Be more descriptive here, set the tone.

Code Few people walk around the town, doing their own choirs and routines.

The way you've written Few people is as though you want to intimate some type of ghost town. Also, do you mean chores? You also need to be specific. What chores are we seeing?

Code Pan down to JASPER, the 50 year old sheriff with a thick, bushy grey mustache, wearing his dusty shirt and waistcoat with his dusty jeans and rancher boots, his grey hair covered by his sheriff’s hat.

Pan down? Is the guy a midget? 50-year-old. You also don't need to mention 'his' all the time. Could he be wearing somebody else's jeans? What does a sheriff hat look like as opposed to a normal hat?

Code He looks onto the town, gripping his revolver with pride.

Why is he gripping his revolver with pride?

Code Jasper walks along the streets of Red Hill, whistling as he grips his revolver.

Why is he gripping his revolver after first looking at the town with pride? You're describing him happy yet he seems prepared for a gunfight at any second.

Code A young boy speed-walks infront of Jasper.

Young boy doesn't cut it. Young boy could be any age from three to eighteen, maybe even older for some.

Break down your action lines, keep them succinct.

Thanks for the feedback! What did you think of the story/dialogue and stuff?

Quoted from Nathan Hill What did you think of the story/dialogue and stuff?

I think the more important question is what comes first?  Story or format?  As for myself, when a new batch of scripts hits the board I glance them over looking at the "format" first.  If  a script looks sloppily written I instantly pass on it and go to the ones that look properly formatted.

With that said, I'm sorry to say you script looks sloppy as Hell for lack of a better term.  Big blocks of text, orphans and widows running amuck, etc, etc.

You could have a great story there, but I doubt you'll find many readers who'll plod through it as it stands right now.  I don't say this to be harsh.  I'm just being brutally honest.

Look over some other "good" scripts on this site and compare them to Red Hill Blazers.  Hopefuly you see the mistakes.

Edit, edit, edit.  Less is more.

Hope this helps.

PS - If need be I'll point out specific examples.

Yeah exactly. I'm not interested in your story, nor the dialogue. I rarely am even when written well. I've helped you out. From the clues given you can rewrite your whole screenplay to make it more readable. Then the next reviews you get will be more favourable, people may even be able to read the story.

You're young and have a lot of learning to do. Don't take the criticism harshly. Writing a screenplay to a professional standard is not easy.

If your argument is that you only write for pleasure, then you don't need criticism. You don't need to ask for reviews at all. I did it like that for over twenty years. There isn't anything wrong with it... but the moment you share your work in a place like this, you have taken a leap. You're telling us that you want to do it just like the pro's do. Unfortunately, you still have stuff to learn. Take what I've said and use it to improve.