Heart of Coal by P.H. Cook (Angry Bear) - Short, Horror, Thriller - After the brutal murder of her mother, a woman works hard to fit into society. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Deviant subject matter, cold as ice.  Formatting is excellent aside from a space  between "a" and "nice" at the bottom of page 3, and an orphan at the bottom of page 5.  

As for the story itself, it sent a creepy chill down my spine, but kinda fell flat at the end due to its predictatbility factor.  I feel like I need to read it again without a TV on in the b.g.  

Crisp and clean writing though.

Pia?

Powerful and moving. Really did your research on this and it shows. Loved the ending revealing Dr. Berg speaking into the camera. Very chilling. The story itself kind of had that Natural Born Killers feel to it. Great movie by the way. Fantastic writing, engaging dialogue and overall a terrific job.

- Dirk

P.

Hey. Pretty nice work here. It flew by, the VoiceOver was effective and, coupled with your short action passages, moved the story along at a brisk pace. I don't think the end reveal was really meant to be a slam bang finale, but more a slow, creepy burn.

Funny how Stud #3 went down on Dr. Berg just prior to us learning of the serial killer The Muncher.    Was that intentional?

But back to the subject. Clear, concise read. And above all, I could see it playing out in my head as I read. That says it all for me. Good work.

Steve

Hey guys! Yep, this one is mine. I wrote it just the other day. I haven't written a short just for the hell of it in ages. I've been too busy writing features. The other day an idea hit me and I just felt like writing a short. I LOVE shorts! They are my first love and as such they will always have a special place in my heart. I did not write this one with the idea that it would be filmed. Like I said, I just wrote it for the hell of it. I'm happy it seems to be going over fairly well though. Thanks!  

SPOILERS!!!!!

Caleb, at what point did you know that Dr. Berg is a psychopath and she killed her mother even though she was only 9? I'm asking because I want the reveal to come as late as possible. Ideally the very last line. Jeff read this before I posted it and he had to ask me if the Dr. killed the mother. In other words, it's a fine line to not reveal too early, but still don't leave people confused at the end. I appreciate any input.  

Anyone who reads, hit me up with your shorts and I will return the read.

As always, Don, you're a rockstar in my book!!!  

Hey Pia,

Nice piece here. Very creepy through-out and held the tone nicely.

I like that we get a SENATOR as soon as Dr. Berg starts talking about psychopaths. It’s almost as if you’re somewhat cynical about the political process    (also, since he’s a character, I think you might want to keep him “Senator”, uppercased).

Not sure if you’d need Letterman’s permission to use his likeness, but the tone of the visual is perfect.

Caleb mentioned a predictability factor when it comes to the end, while Steve has a good point about this maybe being a slow build rather than a shocking twist. That all depends on your intentions of course, but just so you know…

Pg. 3 “INT. PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL – DAY” <---This is the scene where I figured out where it going.

As I’m reading through again, I’m actually wondering whether this wouldn’t be just as effective (or more so) if we learned the truth on page 2. Maybe just flat out tell us she’s a monster and trust us to read on out of morbid curiosity? (I guess what I'm saying is I enjoyed it even with knowledge of the twist).

Pg. 5 “I much rather have sex than cut myself. It's a no brainer, if you ask me.” Lol.

I know putting Dr. Berg and the Senator together is really just a visual cue, but I’m curious what those two are congratulating each other over. Probably a children’s hospital  

Not much to add. This is pretty strong as is. A creepy character piece that gets under your skin. Kudos and good luck with it.

Eric

Pia, in answer to your question, I'm not exactly sure at what point I knew, but I just knew.  I guess it was so un-obvious -- it was just obvious.  Hope that makes sense.

Btw, the title's not the great either.  But that's just one man's opinion.

A twisted tale nonetheless.

Hi Pia, a few thoughts, as I read.

Off the bat, this is a rather directorial opening but I've nothing against that - the audio element helps segue into the rest of the MOS style throughout.

Speaking of which the MOS is a little tedious to read - but 'read is the operative word' so in terms of filming it's beside the point, I reckon. I did think at first, if possible you could state it at the beginning of the scenes but then again I see it really is essential. I do like that there is no dialogue and that it's all visual capped with voice over.

I notice your description style is a little like one of Janet's (I read recently) i.e., the staccato breaking up of sentences instead of endeavouring to let it flow on.
'Dr Berg's gorgeous. Long dark hair. Infectious smile.
I'm not too keen on this but I accept it's personal choice.

I really like the beheaded touch - v.nice visual and this is why in keeping with the tone you set up I'd like 'The Muncher's' crime (and moniker) to be a little more shocking. See my comments below.

I think the insertion of a space following ellipses before a new sentence reads better. But this is endless debatable.

Regarding the reveal:

'They even called me normal' is the line that tipped me off to the main character and the setting of the psychiatric hospital just confirmed it. It's a little too spelled out I reckon. An alternative could be just to cut to the foster family scene and show her a little out of her element or 'different', so we just doubt, at least.

'Fights for her attention' should technically be: 'fight for her attention'.

and: 'Doesn't want to miss the show' would read better imh on top of page 5.

Perhaps it's colloquial but I think it'd  also read better if she says:
'I'd much rather have sex... '

'Try to give the guy some pleasure out of it', reads awkwardly to me. Could easily convey the meaning minus the 'out of it' or reword with the 'get something something out of it', but not essential.

Further to my comment above: hmm sorry, but 'The muncher' sounds a little too comical to my ears.

Speaking of which, towards the end, the inclusion of the serial killer doesn't quite work for me and comes a little left of field. I get that your going for subtle with Liane and her collusion with the senator and we know by now what she's capable of but it just feels a little thrown in. If your going to include it I think it would have more impact (on me, at least) if it's not so... toes?

I may be wrong but I've read that anything other than a complete foot amputation would clot so I'm not sure if the toes coming off holds water in terms of bleeding out. I know there's a major artery, but, even so I'd ramp up that crime in terms of his MO. Granted it's a little kinky but it doesn't sound that horrific to me and this is horror. A slow death would be horrific I'm just not sold on this inclusion in the overall story... Now, biting off some other body part (if you get what I mean) would definitely get my attention and be more in vein (pun intended ) with the vibe of the rest of the story...  

Re Caleb's remark about the title - does this have more significance than is obvious at first glance - cold and hard and damaged, I assume? Cause, though it's not a big deal with me, I can't say it does justice to the story.

Just my thoughts, and v.enjoyable nonetheless.

Thanks for reading guys!  

All good points and suggestions. I definitely was going for some sort of twist end. You guys have helped there by narrowing down where it becomes obvious. I think with LC's suggestion of eliminating that one line, I might be able to do that.

There was definitely no political points I was trying to make here. Why a politician? They seem to often be corrupt and not feeling bad about it. I've read a lot lately about psychopaths and apparently there are lots of them in society. That doesn't mean they kill people, just as mentioned in the script, they just don't feel anything. Sad and a bit scary.

I wrote the V.O. first then added the visual later. If you read only the V.O. it's a lot smoother than with the action added.

Thanks for the detailed comments Libby! All much appreciated and some will be used in the changes to the script. I might do that tonight if I have the time. Then we'll see if I can figure out how to update the script at Dropbox and still keep the same link. I'm fairly new to that site.

About my writing style. Well, that's my style and I'm not changing. :p  A common comment on my scripts, wether people like the script or not, is that it was a breeze to read, so I'm sticking with it. I hear you though.

About The Muncher...you're probably right about the name. I'm sure you're correct about the bleeding out would be hard by just losing your toes, but you were right about the kinky part. That's why I chose it.

Also thanks for the typos! This is a first draft. Now Jeff needs a good spanking for not pointing them out!!!  

Thanks again, everyone. I will start return reads tomorrow at work.  

Oh, and I forgot. The title? Not the best, but I meant it to be lifeless. Dark. Cold. Nothing to it. Lightweight. A piece of nothing. I tried to avoid cliche' titles that would give the story away. Such as using words like Evil. Killer. Deadly and so on.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Oh, and I forgot. The title? Not the best, but I meant it to be lifeless.

That'd be a good title.  

Lifeless is a good title. But not for this, in my humble. I did think 'Heart of Rock' first, but that's terrible. As if the protag was in love with Hendrix and AC/DC. Nothing wrong with this, far from it. But not right for this story. Heart of Coal works better than anything else I can think of, at the moment.

I quite liked it until we got to The Muncher. This title knocked the wind out of its sails for me. Sounds like they are too fond of crisp savoury snacks instead of a violent offender.

Oh, I thought of another one for the main title - Heart of Dark.

R

Quoted from rendevous This title knocked the wind out of its sails for me. Sounds like they are too fond of crisp savoury snacks instead of a violent offender. Oh, I thought of another one for the main title - Heart of Dark. R

Mel Gibson did a movie  called Heart of Darkness

How 'bout "Violent Offender"  

Should take a poll

Yes well, add a 'ness' and you've got Joseph Conrad, so...

I think you need to look at the story itself if you're thinking of another title. Perhaps something along the lines of the set up of the script which is key re the main character who details 'types' of people - autism, psychopaths, etc. I'd be thinking along the lines of 'spectrum of empathy' which is a quotable line, or a one word title like, 'empathy' or 'damaged' or even 'normal' even though you're thinking of deleting that line. Anyway, just food for thought.

Quoted from rendevous I quite liked it until we got to The Muncher. This title knocked the wind out of its sails for me. R

Yeah, I'll have to go along with you on this one.  I liked everything about this except for "The Muncher" line, which feels like it does not fit in this story - at all.  It comes across a little corny and out of place amongst all this dark shit going on.  It's almost laughable.  Besides that, I liked Heart of Coal.

Hey Pia - this was very easy to get through, hardly anything tripped the read up at all.

I liked the serial killer angle as it distracted me a bit on the intent -- I figured Lianne was going to have some dodgy intent, but the serial k had me thinking in different directions, and I liked having to figure that out. On the Mother - I didn't see that until the end -- I think it's guess-work, so I wouldn't try and make it more obtuse - people figure things out at different rates, and often like to figure it out beforehand - makes us feel good - it's still how good the story's managed that matters

Good read all round.