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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Heart of Coal Moderators: bert
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  Author    Heart of Coal  (currently 7851 views)
Athenian
Posted: June 2nd, 2014, 5:49am Report to Moderator
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Hi Pia,

I really like what you did here - good work! My only objection is the use of the passive voice in: "She was stabbed sixty-seven times. That was before she was beheaded." Apparently, you couldn't use the first person, but was the voice over necessary in the first place? It is obvious that the woman was beheaded � as for the stabbings, a bloody knife would probably suffice. Also, what about "My mother was killed in front of me"? English is not my first language, but I can only read this as: "My mother was killed in front of me by someone else". Any more opinions?

Oh, a last thing: "Lianne Berg". She never says that this is her name, so you need to show it some way.   

Manolis

Revision History (1 edits)
Athenian  -  June 2nd, 2014, 7:11am
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 2nd, 2014, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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Pia, as you know, I like this.

Sorry for not pointing out typos and the like, otehr than the 1 correction i did offer, but remember, I was working and read through this very quickly, not really looking for mistakes, only how it read and flowed.

You get me?  
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 2nd, 2014, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Of course I know, Jeff.

I'll respond better tonight. I'm still swamped. Pm me links to any short you guys want a read on in return.  


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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from CalebHart


That'd be a good title.  

No....she's having a little bit of life. Loads of sex and she's successful.  


Quoted from rendevous
Lifeless is a good title. But not for this, in my humble. I did think 'Heart of Rock' first, but that's terrible. As if the protag was in love with Hendrix and AC/DC. Nothing wrong with this, far from it. But not right for this story. Heart of Coal works better than anything else I can think of, at the moment.

I quite liked it until we got to The Muncher. This title knocked the wind out of its sails for me. Sounds like they are too fond of crisp savoury snacks instead of a violent offender.

Oh, I thought of another one for the main title - Heart of Dark.

R


Heart of Dark is not bad, but sort of gives away what this might be about.

The Muncher?  Yeah, I need to think up something else.  :p


Quoted from CalebHart


Mel Gibson did a movie  called Heart of Darkness

How 'bout "Violent Offender"  

Should take a poll


Again, good suggestion, but I feel it gives things away.  


Quoted from LC
Yes well, add a 'ness' and you've got Joseph Conrad, so...

I think you need to look at the story itself if you're thinking of another title. Perhaps something along the lines of the set up of the script which is key re the main character who details 'types' of people - autism, psychopaths, etc. I'd be thinking along the lines of 'spectrum of empathy' which is a quotable line, or a one word title like, 'empathy' or 'damaged' or even 'normal' even though you're thinking of deleting that line. Anyway, just food for thought.


Hmm...good thinking there. How about Almost Normal?


Quoted from Forgive
Hey Pia - this was very easy to get through, hardly anything tripped the read up at all.

I liked the serial killer angle as it distracted me a bit on the intent -- I figured Lianne was going to have some dodgy intent, but the serial k had me thinking in different directions, and I liked having to figure that out. On the Mother - I didn't see that until the end -- I think it's guess-work, so I wouldn't try and make it more obtuse - people figure things out at different rates, and often like to figure it out beforehand - makes us feel good - it's still how good the story's managed that matters

Good read all round.


Hey, thanks for reading. Appreciate it. And I like your take on it. Sounds like how I intended it. Got anything you want me to read?  


Quoted from Athenian
Hi Pia,

I really like what you did here - good work! My only objection is the use of the passive voice in: "She was stabbed sixty-seven times. That was before she was beheaded." Apparently, you couldn't use the first person, but was the voice over necessary in the first place? It is obvious that the woman was beheaded � as for the stabbings, a bloody knife would probably suffice. Also, what about "My mother was killed in front of me"? English is not my first language, but I can only read this as: "My mother was killed in front of me by someone else". Any more opinions?

Oh, a last thing: "Lianne Berg". She never says that this is her name, so you need to show it some way.   

Manolis


Hey. Thanks for reading! I don't know you, but I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

I wrote the V.O. first and I was pretty pleased with it so, I'm probably not going to change that.

I like V.O. Always was mystified when readers would start their comments with their dislike of V.O. I actually like what I did. I like the V.O. My struggle was more along the lines of using  the right visuals to go along with it.

I wanted the quick gory flashes and I wanted the V.O. to be played very calm and unfeeling over it.

About the "my mother was killed in front of me" line. I struggled a little with that line. I wanted her to tell us how she watched her mother die without giving away that she did it, so it was a fine line of not giving the reveal away and still be truthful it happened in front of her. Still very unemotional, detached delivery intended.

Don't forget to send me your links. I hate to sound lazy, but I don't have time to go searching, so if you want me to read something, just pm me a link.    


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Athenian
Posted: June 2nd, 2014, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Hey. Thanks for reading! I don't know you, but I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

I wrote the V.O. first and I was pretty pleased with it so, I'm probably not going to change that.

I like V.O. Always was mystified when readers would start their comments with their dislike of V.O. I actually like what I did. I like the V.O. My struggle was more along the lines of using  the right visuals to go along with it.

I wanted the quick gory flashes and I wanted the V.O. to be played very calm and unfeeling over it.


Pia, I don't mind the V.O. - I quite liked what you did with it overall. I was just referring to the specific parts (where you had to resort to the passive voice). I now know it was your considered choise though.
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LC
Posted: June 2nd, 2014, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear

How about Almost Normal?


I like this. Would it give anything away? I don't think so.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
About the "my mother was killed in front of me" line. I struggled a little with that line. I wanted her to tell us how she watched her mother die without giving away that she did it, so it was a fine line of not giving the reveal away and still be truthful it happened in front of her. Still very unemotional, detached delivery intended.


Athenian brings up an interesting point which really is about the effectiveness of misdirection and if there is a way to describe the death while trying to make it clear someone else did the killing (when in fact they didn't i.e., when one is the killer and also the witness.

Alternates might be: 'I watched my mother die' or: 'Witnessing your mother's/a parent's death is not something a child should have to bear/see' or even more obliquely: 'there are some things a child should should never have to see/ 'I watched the life drain from my mother's body.'

Just some added thoughts. No real need to respond.







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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 3rd, 2014, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Pia,
Didn't notice this as I hadn't been around in awhile, but I owed you a read so here we go:

The title: Yeah, I can see where an alternate title might work better. I didn't get where "Coal" came from unless it had a hidden meaning.  I think "Almost Normal" isn't bad. I like "Cold Hearted" or "Dark Side" or "Dark Soul".  Something that expresses something about her duality between being a professional who helps others and a person who uses others for her own gratification.

The story itself is very good.  It definitely is a Pia certified special, lots of sex and violence, a breeze to read, very visual.  I probably wasn't a fan of all the MOS directions, but I understood why they were used.  You could lay down some really haunting music over the scenes and make them very effective.

I'm pretty sure I had guessed Dr. Berg as being a bad person when she started talking about the cutter and not feeling anything and using people for sex, but honestly, it was only a guess.  It wasn't completely clear until the last couple of pages so I think you did a  pretty good job of covering things up there. I guess the question for me would be: Is she a serial killer of all these guys she hooked up with?  It never comes right out and says it, but you just get the feeling she has been.  She's Sharon Stone in 'Basic Instinct' in a way.

Because I liked this so much, I wouldn't suggest changing anything, really (other than perhaps the title and all the MOS directions) but I wonder if you could get away with instead of saying at the end:

Dr. Berg turns to the camera. Looks straight into the lens.
Eyes that feel nothing. Her smile a slight tinge of evil.

You instead show Lianne at the scene of the murder, covered in blood, holding the bloody knife.  Then you have that same last line V.O. while the camera dwells on her.  Just a thought.

Otherwise, great job here!  Congrats!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Pale Yellow
Posted: June 4th, 2014, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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A Pia Cook short! Finally! This was super east/fast to read. I wanted to keep reading to hear more about the doctor. I thought it was cool that she was a doctor and a killer. I think that I saw the serial killer thing coming, but ya know I've been glued to Dexter so maybe I was just suspecting something like this especially after her mother was killed part. I like your descriptions. Very creepy enjoyable read. Oh and I did not get the end twist til the very end. Great job!
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 4th, 2014, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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Dena my dear,

thanks for reading. Yeah, I've been hooked on Dexter lately too. I won't deny that V.O. is something I really dig.

I have got some great suggestions so far. Especially from LC, but I have not had the time to actually do a rewrite yet. I think when I finally do it will hopefully come together beter.

Thanks for reading as always.  


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 8th, 2014, 2:47am Report to Moderator
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Hey Pia,

Got to read your short. Reminded me of American Psycho. However, here's one problem I had with it.

SPOILERS!

The Muncher. For some odd reason, I didn't buy it. Granted there are a lot of crazies out there, but this one…heh. I think it would be good if that scene where they mention the Muncher should be revealing Dr. Berg's kills. That's just me though. lol.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 8th, 2014, 4:39am Report to Moderator
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Great little story. I've read through other comments and none of it bothered me during the read.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 8th, 2014, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Gabe,

long time not much seeing! What are you up to?

Thanks for reading as always!

The Muncher? Something kinky I read in a horror novel and I liked it.   I'll keep him, but might rename him. Not the toe eating though. You should know my style by now.  

Thanks for reading Dustin. This one is a first draft so it definitely needs a re-write. I will get to it as soon as I can. It's been CRAZY over here!

Thanks again! Please pm me links to shorts for return reads.  


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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 9th, 2014, 1:52am Report to Moderator
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I try to steer clear of telling other writers to write more like me these days, unless they are beginner mistakes. We can always run through to make things tighter, and for a first draft the standard here is very good. Story-wise, it worked for me. Enjoyable, easy-to-read. Not much else to say. Nice work.
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Nomad
Posted: June 9th, 2014, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Pia,

Since I'm pretty sure you're new to this whole screenwriting thing, I'll give you a few pointers:

1.  I'm full of shit.

That's about all the pointers I got for you.  Not really a pointer, per se, more of an observation.

This was a quick read and I only have a few gripes.

  • The fade from black to white and back didn't add anything for me.
  • The sporadic MOS took me out of the read.  This could easily be done mit out sound completely.  (Other than the V.O. that is.)
  • I knew on page 2 that Berg killed her mom.  Mainly because that's how you write but also because you never see the killer or Berg.
  • You can lose the woods scene and not lose any of the story.
  • I was confused at first when I read that Berg licked her lips while looking at the driver in the mirror while straddling the stud in the cab.  I pictured her facing the rear, but on second read, I see that she hadn't straddled the stud yet.  Maybe it can be clarified a bit, or maybe I should just read gooder.
  • A lot of the dialogue can be tightened up:

Code

It's a no brainer, if you ask me.

  Could simply be, "obviously".

  • The Muncher?  Really?  Wasn't that a Sesame Street character?  That name connotes levity as opposed to dread.  Think along the lines of The Nightstalker. Hillside Strangler. The Zodiac Killer.  Those are names of guys I wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley.  The Muncher?  I could take him.

Your scripts are always enjoyable.  Thank you for letting us into your mind for a little while.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 9th, 2014, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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I hear you, Dustin. Thank you!

Gary!

I can't believe I somehow missed your post! My bad!

I agree with your suggestions and such and should definitely start with the title. I honestly have not had the time to tweak this one yet. But I definitely will!

Sex and violence? That's me? Lol! You should've read the first script I ever posted here!  

Wish you the biggest most serious good luck with your script too! That is majorly AWESOME!

Jordan,

thanks so much for reading!

I agree with your suggestions too! Thank you! I think as far as the V.O. goes, I was going for something along the lines of Gillian Flynn's Dark Places. I have been listening to the audiobook and I really liked how monotone she describes everything. Sort of a flatline retelling of her life.

I appreciate your input and will take yours and everyone's suggestions into account in the re-write. Soon!!!! I promise!!!!

And since a couple of people have asked, the horror novella that I got the toe munching inspiration from is J A Konrath's Truck Stop.  I love him. Somehow, my taste is exactly his style.  

On a different note. I'm celebrating tonight because my short film THE END won Best Horror film at the Limelight Film Awards in London (I think).  


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