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Finally had a chance to sit down with this one from my most favorite director
Crummy title -- but I liked the story. Is there any dialogue that is not VO? That makes things slightly odd for the viewer, but this is probably short enough to carry that off.
You are certainly finding your way these days with that economical style of yours. It keeps getting better, always feeling complete but never terse. My favorite line was, "Greedy hands grab what they can." Sets the scene and forms a complete mental image with six words. Three sex scenes in a row kind of feels like overkill, though.
Is this supposed to imply that the Senator is the "muncher" serial killer, the way you talk about his teeth early in the script? Cool angle, but perhaps too subtle for a viewer if that is what you are going for. They would never read the line about his teeth. You might need to emphasize that in a more visual way.
Is there some connection between these two, Dr. Berg and the Senator? An additional (short) scene spelling out why we would even find these two together on the same podium might help. It currently feels a bit out of left field -- or worse, a bit too "convenient" for the storyteller.
Sorry if I am repeating any questions. I sort of lost track of the comments after a while.
Nice and tight, though. The dialogue flows smooth, and ends on just the right note. You see it coming (a bit), but it also makes sense, so that is forgiven. I've really no complaints here, only suggestions. Nice work.
Thanks Gary! That script was also found here at SS and they are currently turning it into a feature. I'm not writing it though, but I should at least get an "original story by" credit.
Dead Ringer is being bought by Showtime!!!! I have no idea when that will be on. I still haven't seen it either. But it's the biggest thing happening so far to any of my scripts.
Just spotted this.
Well done Pia, keep us informed.
Do you get paid more for such success? Just being nosey
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Crummy title -- but I liked the story. Is there any dialogue that is not VO? That makes things slightly odd for the viewer, but this is probably short enough to carry that off.
I agree. There were some better suggestions mentioned earlier in this thread and I will change to one of those when I do do the rewrite.
The V.O. is the only dialogue. Maybe I had been watching too much Dexter lately. That and reading Gillian Flynn's Dark Places. Thanks btw, for turning me towards her.
I had not written a short in a loooong time and I just woke up one morning and this one was in my head so I sat down and wrote it. Felt good! Lots of fun, which writing should be, but is often forgotten.
You are certainly finding your way these days with that economical style of yours. It keeps getting better, always feeling complete but never terse. My favorite line was, "Greedy hands grab what they can." Sets the scene and forms a complete mental image with six words. Three sex scenes in a row kind of feels like overkill, though.
I really appreciate your compliment there. You're one of the few left here that read my very first script in Feb -06, I believe, so you know I've come a long way since then. Means a lot!
About the sex scenes...I don't know. Maybe I was just in the mood that day. Since I haven't read it in awhile, I'm sure that's something I'll notice or not when I look at this with fresh eyes again.
Is this supposed to imply that the Senator is the "muncher" serial killer, the way you talk about his teeth early in the script? Cool angle, but perhaps too subtle for a viewer if that is what you are going for. They would never read the line about his teeth. You might need to emphasize that in a more visual way.
No actually and that's something I need to make clear in the rewrite. What I intended to do was just to show that psychopaths are plenty and everywhere. They are obviously not all killers. They're just people who don't feel anything. Before I wrote this, there had been a series of articles in the Swedish papers I read about how many there actually are in society. The senator is one. He's no killer, just a politician.
Is there some connection between these two, Dr. Berg and the Senator? An additional (short) scene spelling out why we would even find these two together on the same podium might help. It currently feels a bit out of left field -- or worse, a bit too "convenient" for the storyteller.
Okay. I hear you.No. My intention was just to show that she's very successful and is moving on up and in her path are other psychopaths. They are everywhere. We meet them every day, we just don't know it and a lot of times they themselves don't know they are either, but I do hear you.
Nice and tight, though. The dialogue flows smooth, and ends on just the right note. You see it coming (a bit), but it also makes sense, so that is forgiven. I've really no complaints here, only suggestions. Nice work.
Thanks!
I wrote the V.O. first after having listened to the Dark Places audiobook, it felt real. I was feeling it. I filled in the script afterwards.
Bill, yes. It's a purchase. They are buying it and all the rights to it. No residuals. Just a lump sum. The producer still have the rights to international stuff, but not US.
I really liked this for the most part and "most" being the key word. Started this expecting something different and glad I found that it was indeed different.
The writing is very smooth and takes you along. The one gripe I have is a few places seemed just a bit over the top and took me out of the read for a second. I think the major one being the decapitated head. You have very interesting and pertinent subject matter and there is a classiness to your writing that some of these polarizing images and words just seem to be there as a kind of shock-blanket. From a lot of stuff I read, psychopaths don't always have those insane traumatic childhoods/experiences. I bet you could find something even more shocking and even subtle to portray there. I'm bad with cliches. In some ways I love them but think the writing and what your going for is too good. (this being such a small part of your work)
I don't have anything to say on structure because it's obvious your going for something specific and in a kind of pocket. I don't know? Just my little angle.
But overall, thought this was REALLY good. But my opinion is like my butt-hole - I have one.
That and reading Gillian Flynn's Dark Places. Thanks btw, for turning me towards her.
Just noticed this. I thought you might dig her style, and I am glad to hear that the recommendation paid off. I think Dark Places is my favorite of hers, too.
And she is surprisingly pretty for such a twisted, nutty girl. Just like you haha!
... going for something along the lines of Gillian Flynn's Dark Places. ...
I picked up 'Dark Places' in the library the other day for 50c. Don't know why it was on the sale pile considering 'Gone Girl' and its popularity and also with the movie coming out soon. Am looking forward to reading it if I get some spare time while trying to crank out the 7OWC - then again it sounds like it could give me some further inspiration.
Looking forward to the next draft of 'Heart of Coal' when you get to it, Pia.
Pia, I read this short with much pleasure since I have a fondness for crazy women in fiction. “Heart of Coal” is more of a character study, IMHO, but you’ll get absolutely no complaints from me about its intention.
I think of Dr. Berg as a Catherine Trammell-type, telling her story from the inside out. The VOs are ideal and help to maintain an even, emotionless tone. I guess we can thank Dexter to some extent for using killer VOs.
Yeah, the title might be the weakest part of your script. Not much I can offer here.
Berg, I think, has a love-hate relationship with men. Not real love, but she has a need—and men serve a purpose. The males in this story are essentially of low character, immorals, shallow, deviate, voyeuristic, afflicted and/or untrustworthy.
I like Dr. Berg’s icy, unfeeling way of recounting things near and far. There is a reflective and a refractive perspective in her observations. When she describes the autistic child and her mother in the first scene, as well as the various sex scenes later in the story, I sense a distance between Berg and what’s happening.
I’m chuckling a bit because the advice Lianne appears to give the mother of the autistic child, which results in the opposite reaction desired. Or is the desired reaction?
Berg operates as if everything is a case study—including her own life. She talks in a clinical and sterile manner—again, ideal for this story. She definitely comes across as somebody well disciplined in controlling her words, thoughts and emotions (this could have a negative effect, which I’ll get into later). At this point in her life, she is a professional liar in her own way, such as the Trammell character. I think she believes the lie. And that works effectively in hiding the reveal.
Berg’s first words out the gate are, “They say autistic people and….” How do you feel about dropping the ‘they say’ part? And start with, “Autistic people and psychopaths are at the opposite… “? She is after all, a licensed “authority” on human psychology.
I’m not sure how the Senator fits in “Heart of Coal.” Your page one setup threw me a bit. I can see the autistic child matching up to Berg’s descriptions and what we know of autism, but when she talks about a “psychopath,” it sets up unrealized expectations of the Senator.
And the Senator’s office scene is the only part of your script in which Berg is not connected, physically or emotionally.
Initial thought: Dr. Berg zeroes in on the Senator much the way Dexter targets his despicable victims. I had to wonder if the Senator murdered her mother. But, alas, that wasn’t to be.
In the end, I wasn’t surprised at the actual reveal. It’s true, Berg gives away the reveal in her dialogue, as others have pointed out. I know you’ll fix that.
Regarding dialogue, Berg tells us twice that autistic people and psychopaths are “opposites.” At the top of page 1 and the top of page 2. I’d keep the first reference. It bothered me because she is so measured in her words. Had no problem the dialogue about “witnessing” her mother’s death. Again, she phrases it exactly as she probably told it as a kid, and continues to tell it today.
The 67 stabbings work for me. As did the beheading. Now here is a case I would like to see Berg attribute information. “She was stabbed sixty-seven times, the coroner said.”
Berg goes on to tell us the beheading occurred after the stabbings. You can use this bit of info. later, maybe as part of the reveal.
Not a big fan of Berg changing from work clothes to evening attire in the hospital locker room. It seems she would keep her professional life and personal world separate. Mixing the two could be disastrous for one so practiced in deception, manipulation and maintaining order.
Besides, I’d love to see her place. Ooh, what if she has mirrors on her bedroom ceiling(?).
I’m on the fence about how much exposition there is in the sex scenes dialogue.
The scene with the Muncher (also not a fan of this moniker) is okay. Maybe it could be used to greater effectiveness. Not sure at this time.
Instead of setting up the Muncher scene in a break room, would you consider combining it with the university lecture hall scene that follows? She could be addressing colleagues or law enforcement, offering a psychological profile of the serial killer at large. Plus, you can show some gruesome photos that TV stations won’t allow. I like the reveal at the end, it’s done smartly.
However, don’t care for the scene itself, of the senator and Berg together. Their relationship is perplexing. I wouldn’t know that the Senator is a psychopath, if you hadn’t described so in your commentary to writers. The Senator strikes me as your garden-variety politician. So the point was missed.
If he is a psychopath, I think Berg is obligated to define him as such the way she did the autistic child. Food for thought: Two scenes that jump out at me are the sex scenes in the back of the cab, and the ending reveal, when Berg looks into the camera lens. I thought, hmm, maybe a narcissist, an exhibitionist.
Do you think Berg was looking at the rear-view mirror to see the cabbie’s reflection? Or do you think she was looking at herself? Remember, the cabbie adjusted the mirror so he could see her. And she him. Same with the camera lens. Does she want to be seen, or is she catching her own reflection?
Maybe this woman has a thing for her reflection. Maybe she has a mirror set up in her office, and her bedroom ceiling, as alluded to earlier. And maybe when she talks about herself as a 9-year-old kid witnessing her mother’s murder, because she saw the little girl with knife in the mirror?
Perhaps the decapitation of her mother’s head has some subtext. Such as the old woman spending too much time watching TV, and now she was going to have to watch herself being stabbed repeatedly. Is this Lianne’s way of separating mind and body? Participation vs. observation?
Pia, you have this yin-yang thing going on early. The light and dark, high-pitched sound and low drone. Autism vs, psychosis. I think you’re on to something here that can be expanded, especially if this becomes a feature script.
Finally, it might be interesting if you could mention the number of stabbings as part of her reveal. If the coroner said the beheading came after the 67 stabbings, only the killer would know that was true or not true.
You have a very nice character study here. It doesn’t have a lot of internal or external conflict, but in a first draft I don’t think you meant it to be more than it is.
When I speak of conflict, I think of Dr. Berg being in a situation that threatens or tests her control. The Trammell character in B.I., for example, was taken to the police station for interrogation. The police controlled her by picking her up and driving her to the station, by having her face a room full of men in suits. We learn a lot about her by the way she handled herself under “duress.”
But instead of folding in that room, Trammell methodically emasculated the cops with her words, her body language and her smile. It all started at home before she left for the station, if you will recall. Allowing herself to be seen in the nude, by wearing a provocative dress. By asking for, then offering Nick a cigarette. The cops never had control, never had a chance.
Pia, I hope you resurrect this character in a coming feature. Berg could be a wonderful femme fatale. An icy serial killer, who wields a weapon of your choosing. Find the right story and let her go to work. Thanks for writing and posting this short.
I think of Dr. Berg as a Catherine Trammell-type, telling her story from the inside out. The VOs are ideal and help to maintain an even, emotionless tone. I guess we can thank Dexter to some extent for using killer VOs.
Yep, you're correct. I've been going through all 8 seasons of Dexter and I wanted to play around with some V.O. myself. Got a feature I'm 20+ pages into about a Female PI who's also a voyeur and exhibitionist. It's a little lighter and funny at times, but I'm using lots of V.O. in that one too. I know some people have issues with V.O.s, but I don't.
Berg, I think, has a love-hate relationship with men. Not real love, but she has a need—and men serve a purpose. The males in this story are essentially of low character, immorals, shallow, deviate, voyeuristic, afflicted and/or untrustworthy.
Yes. It says somewhere in the script that she feels nothing. Some people who can't feel anything will do almost anything to feel something. Some people turn to pain, Dr. Berg turns to sex. She can feel something there.
I like Dr. Berg’s icy, unfeeling way of recounting things near and far. There is a reflective and a refractive perspective in her observations. When she describes the autistic child and her mother in the first scene, as well as the various sex scenes later in the story, I sense a distance between Berg and what’s happening.
I’m chuckling a bit because the advice Lianne appears to give the mother of the autistic child, which results in the opposite reaction desired. Or is the desired reaction?
Berg operates as if everything is a case study—including her own life. She talks in a clinical and sterile manner—again, ideal for this story. She definitely comes across as somebody well disciplined in controlling her words, thoughts and emotions (this could have a negative effect, which I’ll get into later). At this point in her life, she is a professional liar in her own way, such as the Trammell character. I think she believes the lie. And that works effectively in hiding the reveal.
I got the idea for this character after reading a book by Gillian Flynn called Dark Places. I have it on audiobook and maybe the way the reader read it has something to do with it as well. But, yes, you're spot on.
Berg’s first words out the gate are, “They say autistic people and….” How do you feel about dropping the ‘they say’ part? And start with, “Autistic people and psychopaths are at the opposite… “? She is after all, a licensed “authority” on human psychology.
I’m not sure how the Senator fits in “Heart of Coal.” Your page one setup threw me a bit. I can see the autistic child matching up to Berg’s descriptions and what we know of autism, but when she talks about a “psychopath,” it sets up unrealized expectations of the Senator.
Others have mentioned that as well. I intended to show that psychopaths are everywhere in society. Only a small percentage become killers of course, but they are out there and there are plenty of them. I guess I just managed to confuse people.
Initial thought: Dr. Berg zeroes in on the Senator much the way Dexter targets his despicable victims. I had to wonder if the Senator murdered her mother. But, alas, that wasn’t to be.
I'm thinking, I need to ditch the senator all together and replace him with something else. Unless I can figure out a way to clarify exactly what his part is here.
In the end, I wasn’t surprised at the actual reveal. It’s true, Berg gives away the reveal in her dialogue, as others have pointed out. I know you’ll fix that.
Yeah, others mentioned that as well and suggestions were offered, so I'll work on that too.
Regarding dialogue, Berg tells us twice that autistic people and psychopaths are “opposites.” At the top of page 1 and the top of page 2. I’d keep the first reference. It bothered me because she is so measured in her words. Had no problem the dialogue about “witnessing” her mother’s death. Again, she phrases it exactly as she probably told it as a kid, and continues to tell it today.
Boy you're smart and notice details. This goes back to the same character in Dark Places. When she was 7, her two sisters and mother were killed in front of her and her brother was put in prison for the crime. She talks about how all the adults at the time, lawyers and whatnot, coaxed and coached her on what to say. To the point that she believed it all the way into adulthood. In reality, what she was told, turned out not to match what she had actually seen.
The 67 stabbings work for me. As did the beheading. Now here is a case I would like to see Berg attribute information. “She was stabbed sixty-seven times, the coroner said.”
Berg goes on to tell us the beheading occurred after the stabbings. You can use this bit of info. later, maybe as part of the reveal.
Hm. Okay. I have to reread this again to see how I might work that. Makes sense though.
Not a big fan of Berg changing from work clothes to evening attire in the hospital locker room. It seems she would keep her professional life and personal world separate. Mixing the two could be disastrous for one so practiced in deception, manipulation and maintaining order.
Yes. I agree. If I remember correctly, I was just trying to speed up the visuals.
Instead of setting up the Muncher scene in a break room, would you consider combining it with the university lecture hall scene that follows? She could be addressing colleagues or law enforcement, offering a psychological profile of the serial killer at large. Plus, you can show some gruesome photos that TV stations won’t allow.
However, don’t care for the scene itself, of the senator and Berg together. Their relationship is perplexing. I wouldn’t know that the Senator is a psychopath, if you hadn’t described so in your commentary to writers. The Senator strikes me as your garden-variety politician. So the point was missed.
If he is a psychopath, I think Berg is obligated to define him as such the way she did the autistic child. Food for thought: Two scenes that jump out at me are the sex scenes in the back of the cab, and the ending reveal, when Berg looks into the camera lens. I thought, hmm, maybe a narcissist, an exhibitionist.
Do you think Berg was looking at the rear-view mirror to see the cabbie’s reflection? Or do you think she was looking at herself? Remember, the cabbie adjusted the mirror so he could see her. And she him. Same with the camera lens. Does she want to be seen, or is she catching her own reflection?
Maybe this woman has a thing for her reflection. Maybe she has a mirror set up in her office, and her bedroom ceiling, as alluded to earlier. And maybe when she talks about herself as a 9-year-old kid witnessing her mother’s murder, because she saw the little girl with knife in the mirror?
I had not thought of that either. I have to think about that. Takes it a step deeper. I think for me, the thing with the V.O. since that is the only dialogue, has to flow smoothly. I wrote it first and added the scenes afterwards. I'll see what I can do with it.
Perhaps the decapitation of her mother’s head has some subtext. Such as the old woman spending too much time watching TV, and now she was going to have to watch herself being stabbed repeatedly. Is this Lianne’s way of separating mind and body? Participation vs. observation?
Hm. I'm not a psychologist, but I think something could be done with tying the decapitation together with the mirror stuff. Maybe the mother was obsessed with her own looks and cared more about her own vanity than her own daughter. Maybe that's why she killed her?
Pia, you have this yin-yang thing going on early. The light and dark, high-pitched sound and low drone. Autism vs, psychosis. I think you’re on to something here that can be expanded, especially if this becomes a feature script.
Glad you like that part. I don't have any plans right now to expand this one. I have too many stories already somewhat plotted out witing to be written first. Sometimes, I do go back and extend shorts though. Savage Frontier is waiting. That's my serious attempt. My big studio attempt at writing. My strongest script. Then there's Daddy's Home and of course Wolf.
Finally, it might be interesting if you could mention the number of stabbings as part of her reveal. If the coroner said the beheading came after the 67 stabbings, only the killer would know that was true or not true.
Like I said, the flow of the V.O. is the most important here, IMHO. I'll have to look into that and see if things can be rearranged. If so, I might go for that suggestion too.
You have a very nice character study here. It doesn’t have a lot of internal or external conflict, but in a first draft I don’t think you meant it to be more than it is.
When I speak of conflict, I think of Dr. Berg being in a situation that threatens or tests her control. The Trammell character in B.I., for example, was taken to the police station for interrogation. The police controlled her by picking her up and driving her to the station, by having her face a room full of men in suits. We learn a lot about her by the way she handled herself under “duress.”
But instead of folding in that room, Trammell methodically emasculated the cops with her words, her body language and her smile. It all started at home before she left for the station, if you will recall. Allowing herself to be seen in the nude, by wearing a provocative dress. By asking for, then offering Nick a cigarette. The cops never had control, never had a chance.
I hear you and yes, I do remember that film well. Even got a paper copy of the script.
Pia, I hope you resurrect this character in a coming feature. Berg could be a wonderful femme fatale. An icy serial killer, who wields a weapon of your choosing. Find the right story and let her go to work. Thanks for writing and posting this short.
Abe
Thank you so much for your excellent review as always.
Now you have peaked my interest in Dr. Berg. Maybe something more can be done with her.
Yep, you're correct. I've been going through all 8 seasons of Dexter
Jeez. I used to love Dexter. But I found it tailed off severely around season five or so. I did keep watching. But it increasinlgly became a chore.
I'm on the last season now and each episode has the odd good bit but I can't help thinking they look contractually obliged and rather unhappy whilst doing it. A true bloody shame, considering the heights of the first season.
Maybe you feel different. Maybe I've become jaded. I think it's always good to check.
Just wanted to thank everyone who read and commented on this one. Great suggestions for improvement and a better title. I fully intended to do a rewrite once this crazy year is over. It looks like I won't be doing that now though. This one has been picked up by a director in Bulgaria. This is the fourth (I think) script of mine that's found interest by people in Eastern Europe. I guess those people like my darker fare!
Big thanks to Janet for putting this one up on the STS site!
As far as the language goes, I don't know, but I'm going to assume English. My other scripts from that area have been shot in English, spoken with some heavy accents by the actors. The woman making this has a flawless written English, so that's what I'm thinking it will be.
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