Heart of Coal by P.H. Cook (Angry Bear) - Short, Horror, Thriller - After the brutal murder of her mother, a woman works hard to fit into society. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Deviant subject matter, cold as ice.  Formatting is excellent aside from a space  between "a" and "nice" at the bottom of page 3, and an orphan at the bottom of page 5.  

As for the story itself, it sent a creepy chill down my spine, but kinda fell flat at the end due to its predictatbility factor.  I feel like I need to read it again without a TV on in the b.g.  

Crisp and clean writing though.

Pia?

Powerful and moving. Really did your research on this and it shows. Loved the ending revealing Dr. Berg speaking into the camera. Very chilling. The story itself kind of had that Natural Born Killers feel to it. Great movie by the way. Fantastic writing, engaging dialogue and overall a terrific job.

- Dirk

P.

Hey. Pretty nice work here. It flew by, the VoiceOver was effective and, coupled with your short action passages, moved the story along at a brisk pace. I don't think the end reveal was really meant to be a slam bang finale, but more a slow, creepy burn.

Funny how Stud #3 went down on Dr. Berg just prior to us learning of the serial killer The Muncher.    Was that intentional?

But back to the subject. Clear, concise read. And above all, I could see it playing out in my head as I read. That says it all for me. Good work.

Steve

Hey guys! Yep, this one is mine. I wrote it just the other day. I haven't written a short just for the hell of it in ages. I've been too busy writing features. The other day an idea hit me and I just felt like writing a short. I LOVE shorts! They are my first love and as such they will always have a special place in my heart. I did not write this one with the idea that it would be filmed. Like I said, I just wrote it for the hell of it. I'm happy it seems to be going over fairly well though. Thanks!  

SPOILERS!!!!!

Caleb, at what point did you know that Dr. Berg is a psychopath and she killed her mother even though she was only 9? I'm asking because I want the reveal to come as late as possible. Ideally the very last line. Jeff read this before I posted it and he had to ask me if the Dr. killed the mother. In other words, it's a fine line to not reveal too early, but still don't leave people confused at the end. I appreciate any input.  

Anyone who reads, hit me up with your shorts and I will return the read.

As always, Don, you're a rockstar in my book!!!  

Hey Pia,

Nice piece here. Very creepy through-out and held the tone nicely.

I like that we get a SENATOR as soon as Dr. Berg starts talking about psychopaths. It’s almost as if you’re somewhat cynical about the political process    (also, since he’s a character, I think you might want to keep him “Senator”, uppercased).

Not sure if you’d need Letterman’s permission to use his likeness, but the tone of the visual is perfect.

Caleb mentioned a predictability factor when it comes to the end, while Steve has a good point about this maybe being a slow build rather than a shocking twist. That all depends on your intentions of course, but just so you know…

Pg. 3 “INT. PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL – DAY” <---This is the scene where I figured out where it going.

As I’m reading through again, I’m actually wondering whether this wouldn’t be just as effective (or more so) if we learned the truth on page 2. Maybe just flat out tell us she’s a monster and trust us to read on out of morbid curiosity? (I guess what I'm saying is I enjoyed it even with knowledge of the twist).

Pg. 5 “I much rather have sex than cut myself. It's a no brainer, if you ask me.” Lol.

I know putting Dr. Berg and the Senator together is really just a visual cue, but I’m curious what those two are congratulating each other over. Probably a children’s hospital  

Not much to add. This is pretty strong as is. A creepy character piece that gets under your skin. Kudos and good luck with it.

Eric

Pia, in answer to your question, I'm not exactly sure at what point I knew, but I just knew.  I guess it was so un-obvious -- it was just obvious.  Hope that makes sense.

Btw, the title's not the great either.  But that's just one man's opinion.

A twisted tale nonetheless.

Hi Pia, a few thoughts, as I read.

Off the bat, this is a rather directorial opening but I've nothing against that - the audio element helps segue into the rest of the MOS style throughout.

Speaking of which the MOS is a little tedious to read - but 'read is the operative word' so in terms of filming it's beside the point, I reckon. I did think at first, if possible you could state it at the beginning of the scenes but then again I see it really is essential. I do like that there is no dialogue and that it's all visual capped with voice over.

I notice your description style is a little like one of Janet's (I read recently) i.e., the staccato breaking up of sentences instead of endeavouring to let it flow on.
'Dr Berg's gorgeous. Long dark hair. Infectious smile.
I'm not too keen on this but I accept it's personal choice.

I really like the beheaded touch - v.nice visual and this is why in keeping with the tone you set up I'd like 'The Muncher's' crime (and moniker) to be a little more shocking. See my comments below.

I think the insertion of a space following ellipses before a new sentence reads better. But this is endless debatable.

Regarding the reveal:

'They even called me normal' is the line that tipped me off to the main character and the setting of the psychiatric hospital just confirmed it. It's a little too spelled out I reckon. An alternative could be just to cut to the foster family scene and show her a little out of her element or 'different', so we just doubt, at least.

'Fights for her attention' should technically be: 'fight for her attention'.

and: 'Doesn't want to miss the show' would read better imh on top of page 5.

Perhaps it's colloquial but I think it'd  also read better if she says:
'I'd much rather have sex... '

'Try to give the guy some pleasure out of it', reads awkwardly to me. Could easily convey the meaning minus the 'out of it' or reword with the 'get something something out of it', but not essential.

Further to my comment above: hmm sorry, but 'The muncher' sounds a little too comical to my ears.

Speaking of which, towards the end, the inclusion of the serial killer doesn't quite work for me and comes a little left of field. I get that your going for subtle with Liane and her collusion with the senator and we know by now what she's capable of but it just feels a little thrown in. If your going to include it I think it would have more impact (on me, at least) if it's not so... toes?

I may be wrong but I've read that anything other than a complete foot amputation would clot so I'm not sure if the toes coming off holds water in terms of bleeding out. I know there's a major artery, but, even so I'd ramp up that crime in terms of his MO. Granted it's a little kinky but it doesn't sound that horrific to me and this is horror. A slow death would be horrific I'm just not sold on this inclusion in the overall story... Now, biting off some other body part (if you get what I mean) would definitely get my attention and be more in vein (pun intended ) with the vibe of the rest of the story...  

Re Caleb's remark about the title - does this have more significance than is obvious at first glance - cold and hard and damaged, I assume? Cause, though it's not a big deal with me, I can't say it does justice to the story.

Just my thoughts, and v.enjoyable nonetheless.

Thanks for reading guys!  

All good points and suggestions. I definitely was going for some sort of twist end. You guys have helped there by narrowing down where it becomes obvious. I think with LC's suggestion of eliminating that one line, I might be able to do that.

There was definitely no political points I was trying to make here. Why a politician? They seem to often be corrupt and not feeling bad about it. I've read a lot lately about psychopaths and apparently there are lots of them in society. That doesn't mean they kill people, just as mentioned in the script, they just don't feel anything. Sad and a bit scary.

I wrote the V.O. first then added the visual later. If you read only the V.O. it's a lot smoother than with the action added.

Thanks for the detailed comments Libby! All much appreciated and some will be used in the changes to the script. I might do that tonight if I have the time. Then we'll see if I can figure out how to update the script at Dropbox and still keep the same link. I'm fairly new to that site.

About my writing style. Well, that's my style and I'm not changing. :p  A common comment on my scripts, wether people like the script or not, is that it was a breeze to read, so I'm sticking with it. I hear you though.

About The Muncher...you're probably right about the name. I'm sure you're correct about the bleeding out would be hard by just losing your toes, but you were right about the kinky part. That's why I chose it.

Also thanks for the typos! This is a first draft. Now Jeff needs a good spanking for not pointing them out!!!  

Thanks again, everyone. I will start return reads tomorrow at work.  

Oh, and I forgot. The title? Not the best, but I meant it to be lifeless. Dark. Cold. Nothing to it. Lightweight. A piece of nothing. I tried to avoid cliche' titles that would give the story away. Such as using words like Evil. Killer. Deadly and so on.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Oh, and I forgot. The title? Not the best, but I meant it to be lifeless.

That'd be a good title.  

Lifeless is a good title. But not for this, in my humble. I did think 'Heart of Rock' first, but that's terrible. As if the protag was in love with Hendrix and AC/DC. Nothing wrong with this, far from it. But not right for this story. Heart of Coal works better than anything else I can think of, at the moment.

I quite liked it until we got to The Muncher. This title knocked the wind out of its sails for me. Sounds like they are too fond of crisp savoury snacks instead of a violent offender.

Oh, I thought of another one for the main title - Heart of Dark.

R

Quoted from rendevous This title knocked the wind out of its sails for me. Sounds like they are too fond of crisp savoury snacks instead of a violent offender. Oh, I thought of another one for the main title - Heart of Dark. R

Mel Gibson did a movie  called Heart of Darkness

How 'bout "Violent Offender"  

Should take a poll

Yes well, add a 'ness' and you've got Joseph Conrad, so...

I think you need to look at the story itself if you're thinking of another title. Perhaps something along the lines of the set up of the script which is key re the main character who details 'types' of people - autism, psychopaths, etc. I'd be thinking along the lines of 'spectrum of empathy' which is a quotable line, or a one word title like, 'empathy' or 'damaged' or even 'normal' even though you're thinking of deleting that line. Anyway, just food for thought.

Quoted from rendevous I quite liked it until we got to The Muncher. This title knocked the wind out of its sails for me. R

Yeah, I'll have to go along with you on this one.  I liked everything about this except for "The Muncher" line, which feels like it does not fit in this story - at all.  It comes across a little corny and out of place amongst all this dark shit going on.  It's almost laughable.  Besides that, I liked Heart of Coal.

Hey Pia - this was very easy to get through, hardly anything tripped the read up at all.

I liked the serial killer angle as it distracted me a bit on the intent -- I figured Lianne was going to have some dodgy intent, but the serial k had me thinking in different directions, and I liked having to figure that out. On the Mother - I didn't see that until the end -- I think it's guess-work, so I wouldn't try and make it more obtuse - people figure things out at different rates, and often like to figure it out beforehand - makes us feel good - it's still how good the story's managed that matters

Good read all round.

Hi Pia,

I really like what you did here - good work! My only objection is the use of the passive voice in: "She was stabbed sixty-seven times. That was before she was beheaded." Apparently, you couldn't use the first person, but was the voice over necessary in the first place? It is obvious that the woman was beheaded � as for the stabbings, a bloody knife would probably suffice. Also, what about "My mother was killed in front of me"? English is not my first language, but I can only read this as: "My mother was killed in front of me by someone else". Any more opinions?

Oh, a last thing: "Lianne Berg". She never says that this is her name, so you need to show it some way.   

Manolis

Pia, as you know, I like this.

Sorry for not pointing out typos and the like, otehr than the 1 correction i did offer, but remember, I was working and read through this very quickly, not really looking for mistakes, only how it read and flowed.

You get me?  

Of course I know, Jeff.

I'll respond better tonight. I'm still swamped. Pm me links to any short you guys want a read on in return.  

Quoted from CalebHart That'd be a good title.

No....she's having a little bit of life. Loads of sex and she's successful.  

Quoted from rendevous Lifeless is a good title. But not for this, in my humble. I did think 'Heart of Rock' first, but that's terrible. As if the protag was in love with Hendrix and AC/DC. Nothing wrong with this, far from it. But not right for this story. Heart of Coal works better than anything else I can think of, at the moment. I quite liked it until we got to The Muncher. This title knocked the wind out of its sails for me. Sounds like they are too fond of crisp savoury snacks instead of a violent offender. Oh, I thought of another one for the main title - Heart of Dark. R

Heart of Dark is not bad, but sort of gives away what this might be about.

The Muncher?  Yeah, I need to think up something else.  :p

Quoted from CalebHart Mel Gibson did a movie  called Heart of Darkness How 'bout "Violent Offender"   Should take a poll

Again, good suggestion, but I feel it gives things away.  

Quoted from LC Yes well, add a 'ness' and you've got Joseph Conrad, so... I think you need to look at the story itself if you're thinking of another title. Perhaps something along the lines of the set up of the script which is key re the main character who details 'types' of people - autism, psychopaths, etc. I'd be thinking along the lines of 'spectrum of empathy' which is a quotable line, or a one word title like, 'empathy' or 'damaged' or even 'normal' even though you're thinking of deleting that line. Anyway, just food for thought.

Hmm...good thinking there. How about Almost Normal?

Quoted from Forgive Hey Pia - this was very easy to get through, hardly anything tripped the read up at all. I liked the serial killer angle as it distracted me a bit on the intent -- I figured Lianne was going to have some dodgy intent, but the serial k had me thinking in different directions, and I liked having to figure that out. On the Mother - I didn't see that until the end -- I think it's guess-work, so I wouldn't try and make it more obtuse - people figure things out at different rates, and often like to figure it out beforehand - makes us feel good - it's still how good the story's managed that matters Good read all round.

Hey, thanks for reading. Appreciate it. And I like your take on it. Sounds like how I intended it. Got anything you want me to read?  

Quoted from Athenian Hi Pia, I really like what you did here - good work! My only objection is the use of the passive voice in: "She was stabbed sixty-seven times. That was before she was beheaded." Apparently, you couldn't use the first person, but was the voice over necessary in the first place? It is obvious that the woman was beheaded � as for the stabbings, a bloody knife would probably suffice. Also, what about "My mother was killed in front of me"? English is not my first language, but I can only read this as: "My mother was killed in front of me by someone else". Any more opinions? Oh, a last thing: "Lianne Berg". She never says that this is her name, so you need to show it some way.    Manolis

Hey. Thanks for reading! I don't know you, but I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

I wrote the V.O. first and I was pretty pleased with it so, I'm probably not going to change that.

I like V.O. Always was mystified when readers would start their comments with their dislike of V.O. I actually like what I did. I like the V.O. My struggle was more along the lines of using  the right visuals to go along with it.

I wanted the quick gory flashes and I wanted the V.O. to be played very calm and unfeeling over it.

About the "my mother was killed in front of me" line. I struggled a little with that line. I wanted her to tell us how she watched her mother die without giving away that she did it, so it was a fine line of not giving the reveal away and still be truthful it happened in front of her. Still very unemotional, detached delivery intended.

Don't forget to send me your links. I hate to sound lazy, but I don't have time to go searching, so if you want me to read something, just pm me a link.    

Quoted from Grandma Bear Hey. Thanks for reading! I don't know you, but I appreciate you taking the time to read it. I wrote the V.O. first and I was pretty pleased with it so, I'm probably not going to change that. I like V.O. Always was mystified when readers would start their comments with their dislike of V.O. I actually like what I did. I like the V.O. My struggle was more along the lines of using  the right visuals to go along with it. I wanted the quick gory flashes and I wanted the V.O. to be played very calm and unfeeling over it.

Pia, I don't mind the V.O. - I quite liked what you did with it overall. I was just referring to the specific parts (where you had to resort to the passive voice). I now know it was your considered choise though.

Quoted from Grandma Bear How about Almost Normal?

I like this. Would it give anything away? I don't think so.

Quoted from Grandma Bear About the "my mother was killed in front of me" line. I struggled a little with that line. I wanted her to tell us how she watched her mother die without giving away that she did it, so it was a fine line of not giving the reveal away and still be truthful it happened in front of her. Still very unemotional, detached delivery intended.

Athenian brings up an interesting point which really is about the effectiveness of misdirection and if there is a way to describe the death while trying to make it clear someone else did the killing (when in fact they didn't i.e., when one is the killer and also the witness.

Alternates might be: 'I watched my mother die' or: 'Witnessing your mother's/a parent's death is not something a child should have to bear/see' or even more obliquely: 'there are some things a child should should never have to see/ 'I watched the life drain from my mother's body.'

Just some added thoughts. No real need to respond.

Pia,
Didn't notice this as I hadn't been around in awhile, but I owed you a read so here we go:

The title: Yeah, I can see where an alternate title might work better. I didn't get where "Coal" came from unless it had a hidden meaning.  I think "Almost Normal" isn't bad. I like "Cold Hearted" or "Dark Side" or "Dark Soul".  Something that expresses something about her duality between being a professional who helps others and a person who uses others for her own gratification.

The story itself is very good.  It definitely is a Pia certified special, lots of sex and violence, a breeze to read, very visual.  I probably wasn't a fan of all the MOS directions, but I understood why they were used.  You could lay down some really haunting music over the scenes and make them very effective.

I'm pretty sure I had guessed Dr. Berg as being a bad person when she started talking about the cutter and not feeling anything and using people for sex, but honestly, it was only a guess.  It wasn't completely clear until the last couple of pages so I think you did a  pretty good job of covering things up there. I guess the question for me would be: Is she a serial killer of all these guys she hooked up with?  It never comes right out and says it, but you just get the feeling she has been.  She's Sharon Stone in 'Basic Instinct' in a way.

Because I liked this so much, I wouldn't suggest changing anything, really (other than perhaps the title and all the MOS directions) but I wonder if you could get away with instead of saying at the end:

Dr. Berg turns to the camera. Looks straight into the lens.
Eyes that feel nothing. Her smile a slight tinge of evil.

You instead show Lianne at the scene of the murder, covered in blood, holding the bloody knife.  Then you have that same last line V.O. while the camera dwells on her.  Just a thought.

Otherwise, great job here!  Congrats!

Gary

A Pia Cook short! Finally! This was super east/fast to read. I wanted to keep reading to hear more about the doctor. I thought it was cool that she was a doctor and a killer. I think that I saw the serial killer thing coming, but ya know I've been glued to Dexter so maybe I was just suspecting something like this especially after her mother was killed part. I like your descriptions. Very creepy enjoyable read. Oh and I did not get the end twist til the very end. Great job!

Dena my dear,

thanks for reading. Yeah, I've been hooked on Dexter lately too. I won't deny that V.O. is something I really dig.

I have got some great suggestions so far. Especially from LC, but I have not had the time to actually do a rewrite yet. I think when I finally do it will hopefully come together beter.

Thanks for reading as always.  

Hey Pia,

Got to read your short. Reminded me of American Psycho. However, here's one problem I had with it.

SPOILERS!

The Muncher. For some odd reason, I didn't buy it. Granted there are a lot of crazies out there, but this one…heh. I think it would be good if that scene where they mention the Muncher should be revealing Dr. Berg's kills. That's just me though. lol.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Great little story. I've read through other comments and none of it bothered me during the read.

Gabe,

long time not much seeing! What are you up to?

Thanks for reading as always!

The Muncher? Something kinky I read in a horror novel and I liked it.   I'll keep him, but might rename him. Not the toe eating though. You should know my style by now.  

Thanks for reading Dustin. This one is a first draft so it definitely needs a re-write. I will get to it as soon as I can. It's been CRAZY over here!

Thanks again! Please pm me links to shorts for return reads.  

I try to steer clear of telling other writers to write more like me these days, unless they are beginner mistakes. We can always run through to make things tighter, and for a first draft the standard here is very good. Story-wise, it worked for me. Enjoyable, easy-to-read. Not much else to say. Nice work.

Pia,

Since I'm pretty sure you're new to this whole screenwriting thing, I'll give you a few pointers:

1.  I'm full of shit.

That's about all the pointers I got for you.  Not really a pointer, per se, more of an observation.

This was a quick read and I only have a few gripes.

• The fade from black to white and back didn't add anything for me.
  
• The sporadic MOS took me out of the read.  This could easily be done mit out sound completely.  (Other than the V.O. that is.)
  
• I knew on page 2 that Berg killed her mom.  Mainly because that's how you write but also because you never see the killer or Berg.
  
• You can lose the woods scene and not lose any of the story.
  
• I was confused at first when I read that Berg licked her lips while looking at the driver in the mirror while straddling the stud in the cab.  I pictured her facing the rear, but on second read, I see that she hadn't straddled the stud yet.  Maybe it can be clarified a bit, or maybe I should just read gooder.
  
• A lot of the dialogue can be tightened up:
  

Code It's a no brainer, if you ask me.

  Could simply be, "obviously".

• The Muncher?  Really?  Wasn't that a Sesame Street character?  That name connotes levity as opposed to dread.  Think along the lines of The Nightstalker. Hillside Strangler. The Zodiac Killer.  Those are names of guys I wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley.  The Muncher?  I could take him.
  

Your scripts are always enjoyable.  Thank you for letting us into your mind for a little while.

Jordan

I hear you, Dustin. Thank you!

Gary!

I can't believe I somehow missed your post! My bad!

I agree with your suggestions and such and should definitely start with the title. I honestly have not had the time to tweak this one yet. But I definitely will!

Sex and violence? That's me? Lol! You should've read the first script I ever posted here!  

Wish you the biggest most serious good luck with your script too! That is majorly AWESOME!

Jordan,

thanks so much for reading!

I agree with your suggestions too! Thank you! I think as far as the V.O. goes, I was going for something along the lines of Gillian Flynn's Dark Places. I have been listening to the audiobook and I really liked how monotone she describes everything. Sort of a flatline retelling of her life.

I appreciate your input and will take yours and everyone's suggestions into account in the re-write. Soon!!!! I promise!!!!

And since a couple of people have asked, the horror novella that I got the toe munching inspiration from is J A Konrath's Truck Stop.  I love him. Somehow, my taste is exactly his style.  

On a different note. I'm celebrating tonight because my short film THE END won Best Horror film at the Limelight Film Awards in London (I think).  

Congrats. Hopefully you did win.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Congrats. Hopefully you did win.

It won the Best Horror award.  

Congrats, Pia!

If I may ask, which ones of the short films you have written would you recommend most in terms of production, direction and acting?

Manolis

Well done, Pia. If ever you need me to like anything on FB, or share your stuff to help with promotion, just ask.

Quoted from Athenian Congrats, Pia! If I may ask, which ones of the short films you have written would you recommend most in terms of production, direction and acting? Manolis

Thanks!

Hard to say which ones I like best. There have been some that have been great production wise, but I feel no special love toward and then there are some that maybe aren't the greatest, but has some special meaning to me.

Thanks Dustin!

Pia, congrats on the win!  That is very exciting and obviously well-deserved!

When is Dead Ringer being released?  Looking forward to seeing that!

Gary

Thanks Gary! That script was also found here at SS and they are currently turning it into a feature. I'm not writing it though, but I should at least get an "original story by" credit.

Dead Ringer is being bought by Showtime!!!! I have no idea when that will be on. I still haven't seen it either. But it's the biggest thing happening so far to any of my scripts.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Dead Ringer is being bought by Showtime!!!! I have no idea when that will be on. I still haven't seen it either. But it's the biggest thing happening so far to any of my scripts.

SO awesome Pia!! And I have Showtime so I'll be able to catch this!!  I may have to step out of the room for that shower scene, though!  

Yes, Pia!  Sweet!  You go, girl!

Quoted from Gary in Houston I have Showtime so I'll be able to catch this!!  I may have to step out of the room for that shower scene, though!

Lol! I bet you two twizzlers that they didn't film it as written.  

Thanks Jeff!  

Pia

Your writing is crisp and concise as always and the material is typically dark. However, and I know this will come across as a terrible thing to say, it read almost like one of those didn't-get-past-censors public service advertisements that sometimes get leaked. In the vein of "How to spot a psychopath", if you catch my drift?

Don't take it as unequivocal criticism because it’s not, it’s just a certain way to tell as story. I use V.O. from time to time so I'm not going to trot out that old argument. I feel it serves the script effectively for the way you were telling it and that's an important factor to delineate.

Besides that, I copped it that you were building up to the suggestion of Leanne herself being a psychopath but the signs were posted so early on that I presumed you didn't mean for it to be a big surprise. I trust you're too savvy a writer to be that blatant.

It had a nice cadence to it in its mix of imagery and poetic language but felt lacking in the dramatic department but again I'm thinking wasn't your main goal with the piece.

Regards

Col.

Col!!!  Long time no see!!

As always, I appreciate your input!

You are right in your opinions on this script. I still haven't had the time to do a rewrite. Hopefully this weekend. Others have suggested how to make this one not so obvious and all suggestions will be considered when I try to figure out the changes needed.

This particular short just came to one morning after having spent most of the last two years working on features. It felt great writing a short. I love shorts! I also wanted to try to use V.O.  Sometimes I read people commenting on scripts and the first thing they say is how they hate V.O.  A lot of my favorite movies start with it, so I wanted to try it. I've also read a lot of books lately that were written in first person and then there's also Dexter which I have breezed through most seasons just this year. Even wrote some hard R type features to play with this further. This story itself came to me after reading Gillian Flynn's Dark Places.

I appreciate the read and will read something in return. Hopefully this weekend, but my husband wants me to install gutters on his garage...    But, I will try. PM me something you want read or I'll pick something from your sig.

Thanks again!  

Missed you around here, btw.

I think it works being obvious. I go into many films already knowing the ending.

Hey Pia,

I read it a while ago, even left a post, but it miraculously disappeared. Must be smthing with my comp. Anyway, this is an excellent short, I thouroughly enjoyed it. First time see your writing in VO - you made it look easy))

And I see it already won something - that's very deserving. Congrats!

Khamanna, this script did not win anything. That was a film called THE END.

To all of you who read and commented, I'm happy to return reads. PM me with a link to your script, otherwise I will just pick something from your sig.

And, no, I still haven't rewritten this one yet. But, I will. Promise.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Dead Ringer is being bought by Showtime!!!!

Great news, Pia.  You've earned it.

Quoted Text    But it's the biggest thing happening so far to any of my scripts.

Well, hopefully your other script I read gains some traction.

Any, great stuff.

Ghost

Finally had a chance to sit down with this one from my most favorite director

Crummy title -- but I liked the story.  Is there any dialogue that is not VO?  That makes things slightly odd for the viewer, but this is probably short enough to carry that off.

You are certainly finding your way these days with that economical style of yours.  It keeps getting better, always feeling complete but never terse.  My favorite line was, "Greedy hands grab what they can."  Sets the scene and forms a complete mental image with six words.  Three sex scenes in a row kind of feels like overkill, though.

Is this supposed to imply that the Senator is the "muncher" serial killer, the way you talk about his teeth early in the script?  Cool angle, but perhaps too subtle for a viewer if that is what you are going for.  They would never read the line about his teeth.  You might need to emphasize that in a more visual way.

Is there some connection between these two, Dr. Berg and the Senator?  An additional (short) scene spelling out why we would even find these two together on the same podium might help.  It currently feels a bit out of left field -- or worse, a bit too "convenient" for the storyteller.

Sorry if I am repeating any questions.  I sort of lost track of the comments after a while.

Nice and tight, though.  The dialogue flows smooth, and ends on just the right note.  You see it coming (a bit), but it also makes sense, so that is forgiven.  I've really no complaints here, only suggestions.  Nice work.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Thanks Gary! That script was also found here at SS and they are currently turning it into a feature. I'm not writing it though, but I should at least get an "original story by" credit. Dead Ringer is being bought by Showtime!!!! I have no idea when that will be on. I still haven't seen it either. But it's the biggest thing happening so far to any of my scripts.

Just spotted this.

Well done Pia, keep us informed.

Do you get paid more for such success? Just being nosey  

Quoted from bert Finally had a chance to sit down with this one from my most favorite director

Well, you just happen to be one of my favorite writers here.

Thanks for reading! A sore reminder that I need to rewrite this one. I still haven't had time to touch it properly.

Quoted from bert Crummy title -- but I liked the story.  Is there any dialogue that is not VO?  That makes things slightly odd for the viewer, but this is probably short enough to carry that off.

I agree. There were some better suggestions mentioned earlier in this thread and I will change to one of those when I do do the rewrite.

The V.O. is the only dialogue. Maybe I had been watching too much Dexter lately. That and reading Gillian Flynn's Dark Places. Thanks btw, for turning me towards her.

I had not written a short in a loooong time and I just woke up one morning and this one was in my head so I sat down and wrote it. Felt good! Lots of fun, which writing should be, but is often forgotten.

Quoted from bert You are certainly finding your way these days with that economical style of yours.  It keeps getting better, always feeling complete but never terse.  My favorite line was, "Greedy hands grab what they can."  Sets the scene and forms a complete mental image with six words.  Three sex scenes in a row kind of feels like overkill, though.

I really appreciate your compliment there. You're one of the few left here that read my very first script in Feb -06, I believe, so you know I've come a long way since then. Means a lot!

About the sex scenes...I don't know. Maybe I was just in the mood that day. Since I haven't read it in awhile, I'm sure that's something I'll notice or not when I look at this with fresh eyes again.

Quoted from bert Is this supposed to imply that the Senator is the "muncher" serial killer, the way you talk about his teeth early in the script?  Cool angle, but perhaps too subtle for a viewer if that is what you are going for.  They would never read the line about his teeth.  You might need to emphasize that in a more visual way.

No actually and that's something I need to make clear in the rewrite. What I intended to do was just to show that psychopaths are plenty and everywhere. They are obviously not all killers. They're just people who don't feel anything. Before I wrote this, there had been a series of articles in the Swedish papers I read about how many there actually are in society. The senator is one. He's no killer, just a politician.

Quoted from bert Is there some connection between these two, Dr. Berg and the Senator?  An additional (short) scene spelling out why we would even find these two together on the same podium might help.  It currently feels a bit out of left field -- or worse, a bit too "convenient" for the storyteller.

Okay. I hear you.No. My intention was just to show that she's very successful and is moving on up and in her path are other psychopaths. They are everywhere. We meet them every day, we just don't know it and a lot of times they themselves don't know they are either, but I do hear you.

Quoted from bert Nice and tight, though.  The dialogue flows smooth, and ends on just the right note.  You see it coming (a bit), but it also makes sense, so that is forgiven.  I've really no complaints here, only suggestions.  Nice work.

Thanks!

I wrote the V.O. first after having listened to the Dark Places audiobook, it felt real. I was feeling it. I filled in the script afterwards.

Bill, yes. It's a purchase. They are buying it and all the rights to it. No residuals. Just a lump sum. The producer still have the rights to international stuff, but not US.

I really liked this for the most part and "most" being the key word. Started this expecting something different and glad I found that it was indeed different.

The writing is very smooth and takes you along. The one gripe I have is a few places seemed just a bit over the top and took me out of the read for a second. I think the major one being the decapitated head. You have very interesting and pertinent subject matter and there is a classiness to your writing that some of these polarizing images and words just seem to be there as a kind of shock-blanket. From a lot of stuff I read, psychopaths don't always have those insane traumatic childhoods/experiences. I bet you could find something even more shocking and even subtle to portray there. I'm bad with cliches. In some ways I love them but think the writing and what your going for is too good. (this being such a small part of your work)

I don't have anything to say on structure because it's obvious your going for something specific and in a kind of pocket. I don't know? Just my little angle.

But overall, thought this was REALLY good. But my opinion is like my butt-hole - I have one.

Nice job!

And as for titles. What about: Grey, Spectrum, Feel. Maybe not. just some thoughts.

Quoted from Grandma Bear That and reading Gillian Flynn's Dark Places. Thanks btw, for turning me towards her.

Just noticed this.  I thought you might dig her style, and I am glad to hear that the recommendation paid off.  I think Dark Places is my favorite of hers, too.  

And she is surprisingly pretty for such a twisted, nutty girl.  Just like you haha!

Quoted from Grandma Bear ... going for something along the lines of Gillian Flynn's Dark Places. ...

I picked up 'Dark Places' in the library the other day for 50c. Don't know why it was on the sale pile considering 'Gone Girl' and its popularity and also with the movie coming out soon. Am looking forward to reading it if I get some spare time while trying to crank out the 7OWC - then again it sounds like it could give me some further inspiration.  

Looking forward to the next draft of 'Heart of Coal' when you get to it, Pia.  

Pia, I read this short with much pleasure since I have a fondness for crazy women in fiction. “Heart of Coal” is more of a character study, IMHO, but you’ll get absolutely no complaints from me about its intention.

I think of Dr. Berg as a Catherine Trammell-type, telling her story from the inside out. The VOs are ideal and help to maintain an even, emotionless tone. I guess we can thank Dexter to some extent for using killer VOs.

Yeah, the title might be the weakest part of your script. Not much I can offer here.

Berg, I think, has a love-hate relationship with men. Not real love, but she has a need—and men serve a purpose. The males in this story are essentially of low character, immorals, shallow, deviate, voyeuristic, afflicted and/or untrustworthy.

I like Dr. Berg’s icy, unfeeling way of recounting things near and far. There is a reflective and a refractive perspective in her observations. When she describes the autistic child and her mother in the first scene, as well as the various sex scenes later in the story, I sense a distance between Berg and what’s happening.

I’m chuckling a bit because the advice Lianne appears to give the mother of the autistic child, which results in the opposite reaction desired.
Or is the desired reaction?

Berg operates as if everything is a case study—including her own life. She talks in a clinical and sterile manner—again, ideal for this story. She definitely comes across as somebody well disciplined in controlling her words, thoughts and emotions (this could have a negative effect, which I’ll get into later). At this point in her life, she is a professional liar in her own way, such as the Trammell character. I think she believes the lie.
And that works effectively in hiding the reveal.

Berg’s first words out the gate are, “They say autistic people and….”
How do you feel about dropping the ‘they say’ part? And start with, “Autistic people and psychopaths are at the opposite… “? She is after all, a licensed “authority” on human psychology.

I’m not sure how the Senator fits in “Heart of Coal.” Your page one setup threw me a bit. I can see the autistic child matching up to Berg’s descriptions and what we know of autism, but when she talks about a “psychopath,” it sets up unrealized expectations of the Senator.

And the Senator’s office scene is the only part of your script in which Berg is not connected, physically or emotionally.

Initial thought: Dr. Berg zeroes in on the Senator much the way Dexter targets his despicable victims. I had to wonder if the Senator murdered her mother. But, alas, that wasn’t to be.

In the end, I wasn’t surprised at the actual reveal. It’s true, Berg gives away the reveal in her dialogue, as others have pointed out. I know you’ll fix that.

Regarding dialogue, Berg tells us twice that autistic people and psychopaths are “opposites.” At the top of page 1 and the top of page 2. I’d keep the first reference. It bothered me because she is so measured in her words.
Had no problem the dialogue about “witnessing” her mother’s death.  Again, she phrases it exactly as she probably told it as a kid, and continues to tell it today.

The 67 stabbings work for me. As did the beheading. Now here is a case I would like to see Berg attribute information.  “She was stabbed sixty-seven times, the coroner said.”

Berg goes on to tell us the beheading occurred after the stabbings. You can use this bit of info. later, maybe as part of the reveal.

Not a big fan of Berg changing from work clothes to evening attire in the hospital locker room.  It seems she would keep her professional life and personal world separate. Mixing the two could be disastrous for one so practiced in deception, manipulation and maintaining order.

Besides, I’d love to see her place.  Ooh, what if she has mirrors on her bedroom ceiling(?).

I’m on the fence about how much exposition there is in the sex scenes dialogue.

The scene with the Muncher (also not a fan of this moniker) is okay. Maybe it could be used to greater effectiveness. Not sure at this time.

Instead of setting up the Muncher scene in a break room, would you consider combining it with the university lecture hall scene that follows? She could be addressing colleagues or law enforcement, offering a psychological profile of the serial killer at large. Plus, you can show some gruesome photos that TV stations won’t allow.
I like the reveal at the end, it’s done smartly.

However, don’t care for the scene itself, of the senator and Berg together.  Their relationship is perplexing.
I wouldn’t know that the Senator is a psychopath, if you hadn’t described so in your commentary to writers. The Senator strikes me as your garden-variety politician. So the point was missed.

If he is a psychopath, I think Berg is obligated to define him as such the way she did the autistic child.
Food for thought:  Two scenes that jump out at me are the sex scenes in the back of the cab, and the ending reveal, when Berg looks into the camera lens.  I thought, hmm, maybe a narcissist, an exhibitionist.

Do you think Berg was looking at the rear-view mirror to see the cabbie’s reflection? Or do you think she was looking at herself? Remember, the cabbie adjusted the mirror so he could see her. And she him.
Same with the camera lens.  Does she want to be seen, or is she catching her own reflection?

Maybe this woman has a thing for her reflection. Maybe she has a mirror set up in her office, and her bedroom ceiling, as alluded to earlier. And maybe when she talks about herself as a 9-year-old kid witnessing her mother’s murder, because she saw the little girl with knife in the mirror?

Perhaps the decapitation of her mother’s head has some subtext. Such as the old woman spending too much time watching TV, and now she was going to have to watch herself being stabbed repeatedly. Is this Lianne’s way of separating mind and body? Participation vs. observation?

Pia, you have this yin-yang thing going on early. The light and dark, high-pitched sound and low drone. Autism vs, psychosis. I think you’re on to something here that can be expanded, especially if this becomes a feature script.

Finally, it might be interesting if you could mention the number of stabbings as part of her reveal. If the coroner said the beheading came after the 67 stabbings, only the killer would know that was true or not true.

You have a very nice character study here. It doesn’t have a lot of internal or external conflict, but in a first draft I don’t think you meant it to be more than it is.

When I speak of conflict, I think of Dr. Berg being in a situation that threatens or tests her control. The Trammell character in B.I., for example, was taken to the police station for interrogation. The police controlled her by picking her up and driving her to the station, by having her face a room full of men in suits.
We learn a lot about her by the way she handled herself under “duress.”

But instead of folding in that room, Trammell methodically emasculated the cops with her words, her body language and her smile. It all started at home before she left for the station, if you will recall. Allowing herself to be seen in the nude, by wearing a provocative dress. By asking for, then offering Nick a cigarette.
The cops never had control, never had a chance.

Pia, I hope you resurrect this character in a coming feature. Berg could be a wonderful femme fatale.  An icy serial killer, who wields a weapon of your choosing. Find the right story and let her go to work.
Thanks for writing and posting this short.

Abe

Oh my gosh!! Gary! What a treat to have you stop by and commenting!!!

Quoted from Abe from LA I think of Dr. Berg as a Catherine Trammell-type, telling her story from the inside out. The VOs are ideal and help to maintain an even, emotionless tone. I guess we can thank Dexter to some extent for using killer VOs.

Yep, you're correct. I've been going through all 8 seasons of Dexter and I wanted to play around with some V.O. myself. Got a feature I'm 20+ pages into about a Female PI who's also a voyeur and exhibitionist. It's a little lighter and funny at times, but I'm using lots of V.O. in that one too. I know some people have issues with V.O.s, but I don't.

Quoted from Abe from LA Yeah, the title might be the weakest part of your script. Not much I can offer here.

I agree. There were some suggestions made earlier in this thread and I will go with one of them.

Quoted from Abe from LA Berg, I think, has a love-hate relationship with men. Not real love, but she has a need—and men serve a purpose. The males in this story are essentially of low character, immorals, shallow, deviate, voyeuristic, afflicted and/or untrustworthy.

Yes. It says somewhere in the script that she feels nothing. Some people who can't feel anything will do almost anything to feel something. Some people turn to pain, Dr. Berg turns to sex. She can feel something there.

Quoted from Abe from LA I like Dr. Berg’s icy, unfeeling way of recounting things near and far. There is a reflective and a refractive perspective in her observations. When she describes the autistic child and her mother in the first scene, as well as the various sex scenes later in the story, I sense a distance between Berg and what’s happening.

Good. That's what I was going for.

Quoted from Abe from LA I’m chuckling a bit because the advice Lianne appears to give the mother of the autistic child, which results in the opposite reaction desired. Or is the desired reaction?

I didn't think of that!

Quoted from Abe from LA Berg operates as if everything is a case study—including her own life. She talks in a clinical and sterile manner—again, ideal for this story. She definitely comes across as somebody well disciplined in controlling her words, thoughts and emotions (this could have a negative effect, which I’ll get into later). At this point in her life, she is a professional liar in her own way, such as the Trammell character. I think she believes the lie. And that works effectively in hiding the reveal.

I got the idea for this character after reading a book by Gillian Flynn called Dark Places. I have it on audiobook and maybe the way the reader read it has something to do with it as well. But, yes, you're spot on.

Quoted from Abe from LA Berg’s first words out the gate are, “They say autistic people and….” How do you feel about dropping the ‘they say’ part? And start with, “Autistic people and psychopaths are at the opposite… “? She is after all, a licensed “authority” on human psychology.

Makes perfect sense to me.

Quoted from Abe from LA I’m not sure how the Senator fits in “Heart of Coal.” Your page one setup threw me a bit. I can see the autistic child matching up to Berg’s descriptions and what we know of autism, but when she talks about a “psychopath,” it sets up unrealized expectations of the Senator.

Others have mentioned that as well. I intended to show that psychopaths are everywhere in society. Only a small percentage become killers of course, but they are out there and there are plenty of them. I guess I just managed to confuse people.

Quoted from Abe from LA And the Senator’s office scene is the only part of your script in which Berg is not connected, physically or emotionally.

I had not thought of that either. Thanks for pointing that out!

Quoted from Abe from LA Initial thought: Dr. Berg zeroes in on the Senator much the way Dexter targets his despicable victims. I had to wonder if the Senator murdered her mother. But, alas, that wasn’t to be.

I'm thinking, I need to ditch the senator all together and replace him with something else. Unless I can figure out a way to clarify exactly what his part is here.

Quoted from Abe from LA In the end, I wasn’t surprised at the actual reveal. It’s true, Berg gives away the reveal in her dialogue, as others have pointed out. I know you’ll fix that.

Yeah, others mentioned that as well and suggestions were offered, so I'll work on that too.

Quoted from Abe from LA Regarding dialogue, Berg tells us twice that autistic people and psychopaths are “opposites.” At the top of page 1 and the top of page 2. I’d keep the first reference. It bothered me because she is so measured in her words. Had no problem the dialogue about “witnessing” her mother’s death.  Again, she phrases it exactly as she probably told it as a kid, and continues to tell it today.

Boy you're smart and notice details. This goes back to the same character in Dark Places. When she was 7, her two sisters and mother were killed in front of her and her brother was put in prison for the crime. She talks about how all the adults at the time, lawyers and whatnot, coaxed and coached her on what to say. To the point that she believed it all the way into adulthood. In reality, what she was told, turned out not to match what she had actually seen.

Quoted from Abe from LA The 67 stabbings work for me. As did the beheading. Now here is a case I would like to see Berg attribute information.  “She was stabbed sixty-seven times, the coroner said.” Berg goes on to tell us the beheading occurred after the stabbings. You can use this bit of info. later, maybe as part of the reveal.

Hm. Okay. I have to reread this again to see how I might work that. Makes sense though.

Quoted from Abe from LA Not a big fan of Berg changing from work clothes to evening attire in the hospital locker room.  It seems she would keep her professional life and personal world separate. Mixing the two could be disastrous for one so practiced in deception, manipulation and maintaining order.

Yes. I agree. If I remember correctly, I was just trying to speed up the visuals.

Quoted from Abe from LA Besides, I’d love to see her place.  Ooh, what if she has mirrors on her bedroom ceiling(?).

You are right. Lots more character revelation could be done with something like that.

Quoted from Abe from LA I’m on the fence about how much exposition there is in the sex scenes dialogue.

Will re-think, but I think I liked that part myself.

Quoted from Abe from LA The scene with the Muncher (also not a fan of this moniker) is okay. Maybe it could be used to greater effectiveness. Not sure at this time.

Others...maybe everyone actually, has disliked that name. I need to come up with a better one for him.

Quoted from Abe from LA Instead of setting up the Muncher scene in a break room, would you consider combining it with the university lecture hall scene that follows? She could be addressing colleagues or law enforcement, offering a psychological profile of the serial killer at large. Plus, you can show some gruesome photos that TV stations won’t allow.

I like that.

Quoted from Abe from LA I like the reveal at the end, it’s done smartly. However, don’t care for the scene itself, of the senator and Berg together.  Their relationship is perplexing. I wouldn’t know that the Senator is a psychopath, if you hadn’t described so in your commentary to writers. The Senator strikes me as your garden-variety politician. So the point was missed.

Yep. Hear you loud and clear.

Quoted from Abe from LA If he is a psychopath, I think Berg is obligated to define him as such the way she did the autistic child. Food for thought:  Two scenes that jump out at me are the sex scenes in the back of the cab, and the ending reveal, when Berg looks into the camera lens.  I thought, hmm, maybe a narcissist, an exhibitionist. Do you think Berg was looking at the rear-view mirror to see the cabbie’s reflection? Or do you think she was looking at herself? Remember, the cabbie adjusted the mirror so he could see her. And she him. Same with the camera lens.  Does she want to be seen, or is she catching her own reflection? Maybe this woman has a thing for her reflection. Maybe she has a mirror set up in her office, and her bedroom ceiling, as alluded to earlier. And maybe when she talks about herself as a 9-year-old kid witnessing her mother’s murder, because she saw the little girl with knife in the mirror?

I had not thought of that either. I have to think about that. Takes it a step deeper. I think for me, the thing with the V.O. since that is the only dialogue, has to flow smoothly. I wrote it first and added the scenes afterwards. I'll see what I can do with it.

Quoted from Abe from LA Perhaps the decapitation of her mother’s head has some subtext. Such as the old woman spending too much time watching TV, and now she was going to have to watch herself being stabbed repeatedly. Is this Lianne’s way of separating mind and body? Participation vs. observation?

Hm. I'm not a psychologist, but I think something could be done with tying the decapitation together with the mirror stuff. Maybe the mother was obsessed with her own looks and cared more about her own vanity than her own daughter. Maybe that's why she killed her?

Quoted from Abe from LA Pia, you have this yin-yang thing going on early. The light and dark, high-pitched sound and low drone. Autism vs, psychosis. I think you’re on to something here that can be expanded, especially if this becomes a feature script.

Glad you like that part. I don't have any plans right now to expand this one. I have too many stories already somewhat plotted out witing to be written first. Sometimes, I do go back and extend shorts though. Savage Frontier is waiting. That's my serious attempt. My big studio attempt at writing. My strongest script. Then there's Daddy's Home and of course Wolf.  

Quoted from Abe from LA Finally, it might be interesting if you could mention the number of stabbings as part of her reveal. If the coroner said the beheading came after the 67 stabbings, only the killer would know that was true or not true.

Like I said, the flow of the V.O. is the most important here, IMHO. I'll have to look into that and see if things can be rearranged. If so, I might go for that suggestion too.

Quoted from Abe from LA You have a very nice character study here. It doesn’t have a lot of internal or external conflict, but in a first draft I don’t think you meant it to be more than it is. When I speak of conflict, I think of Dr. Berg being in a situation that threatens or tests her control. The Trammell character in B.I., for example, was taken to the police station for interrogation. The police controlled her by picking her up and driving her to the station, by having her face a room full of men in suits. We learn a lot about her by the way she handled herself under “duress.” But instead of folding in that room, Trammell methodically emasculated the cops with her words, her body language and her smile. It all started at home before she left for the station, if you will recall. Allowing herself to be seen in the nude, by wearing a provocative dress. By asking for, then offering Nick a cigarette. The cops never had control, never had a chance.

I hear you and yes, I do remember that film well. Even got a paper copy of the script.

Quoted from Abe from LA Pia, I hope you resurrect this character in a coming feature. Berg could be a wonderful femme fatale.  An icy serial killer, who wields a weapon of your choosing. Find the right story and let her go to work. Thanks for writing and posting this short. Abe

Thank you so much for your excellent review as always.

Now you have peaked my interest in Dr. Berg. Maybe something more can be done with her.

Thank you as always.

Pia  

Quoted from Angry Bear Yep, you're correct. I've been going through all 8 seasons of Dexter

Jeez. I used to love Dexter. But I found it tailed off severely around season five or so. I did keep watching. But it increasinlgly became a chore.

I'm on the last season now and each episode has the odd good bit but I can't help thinking they look contractually obliged and rather unhappy whilst doing it. A true bloody shame, considering the heights of the first season.

Maybe you feel different. Maybe I've become jaded. I think it's always good to check.

R

Just wanted to thank everyone who read and commented on this one. Great suggestions for improvement and a better title. I fully intended to do a rewrite once this crazy year is over. It looks like I won't be doing that now though. This one has been picked up by a director in Bulgaria. This is the fourth (I think) script of mine that's found interest by people in Eastern Europe. I guess those people like my darker fare!  

Big thanks to Janet for putting this one up on the STS site!  

Well done!

Congrats Pia, look forward to seeing it... out of interest, are they shooting in English or Bulgarian?

Anthony

Thanks!

As far as the language goes, I don't know, but I'm going to assume English. My other scripts from that area have been shot in English, spoken with some heavy accents by the actors.   The woman making this has a flawless written English, so that's what I'm thinking it will be.  

Congrats!

Thanks Pia - look forward to seeing it whichever way round!

Quoted from Grandma Bear As far as the language goes, I don't know, but I'm going to assume English. My other scripts from that area have been shot in English, spoken with some heavy accents by the actors.   The woman making this has a flawless written English, so that's what I'm thinking it will be.

OMG, a script of mine ("Love can wait") was just filmed in Istanbul by a Turkish-Australian director and, while optimistic about the result (he's an experienced professional), I'm quite concerned about the accents of the actors. Actually, I had told him that Turkish might have been a better option, but he insisted on English.

Anyway, congratulations! Your script can definitely make a good film.

Manolis

Wow! Yeah, I had one script made in Romania once. It looked really really good. Very slick and all the actors were attractive and everything. They were even ballsy enough to do the nudity and sex scenes. I was so excited to see the stills. Then I saw the film and everything was perfect until they started talking. Wow! IT WAS TERRIBLE! Ruined the whole thing. Amazingly enough, the director gave me all the media and said I could play around with it and edit my own version if I wanted to. So, in the end, I was very impressed with these guys.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Wow! Yeah, I had one script made in Romania once. It looked really really good. Very slick and all the actors were attractive and everything. They were even ballsy enough to do the nudity and sex scenes. I was so excited to see the stills. Then I saw the film and everything was perfect until they started talking. Wow! IT WAS TERRIBLE! Ruined the whole thing. Amazingly enough, the director gave me all the media and said I could play around with it and edit my own version if I wanted to. So, in the end, I was very impressed with these guys.

So, is your own version of that film dubbed into English by native speakers?

The good thing about "Heart of Coal" is that all the dialogue is V.O. Even if the actress is Bulgarian, they can easily use another (English-speaking) actress to do the narration.

I never did anything with it. I know only the most basics when it comes to editing and back then, I knew absolutely nothing. I thought it was very nice of them to do that though.  

Good work.

I liked this one a lot because of the voice overs which match the work well.  The action seems a bit cliche for a woman of her intellect and appetites, but that's me.  The serial killer doesn't seem to add much.  PErhaps I'm missing too much.  Interesting character although I would expect her to go beyond sex and start her killing ways again.

best

Richard

Thanks for the read Richard!  

I'm glad you enjoyed the V.O. I wrote that first and added the visuals after that. This was a spur of the moment script and a first draft. Something I wrote in between features. I honestly didn't think anyone would pick it up, but then again, I never thought anyone would make my mime and puppet script either. You just never know, I guess.

Thanks again!  

Hey Pia,

First off, fantastic, eerie story.  I'd say more on it, but you've got a lot of helpful feedback and anything I have to say has been said already.

I enjoyed the narrative direction and thought the VO worked perfectly for what you were attempting.  

The sequences in the action blocks flowed nicely, and I did catch-on quickly, especially when Lianne came in.  Lianne is Dr. Berg, right?  I kinda got the feeling that Lianne and Dr. Berg were one due to the script flowing the way it did, I might be wrong, but the action taking place is comprised entirely of flashback scenes (in regards to Lianne), right?

The words at the end "neither does a nine year old girl" somewhat gave me the assumption that Dr. Lianne Berg was the young girl we saw evolve throughout the script.

Like I said though, I could be wrong and Lianne could be someone else, but I think them being the same person would really work if that's not the case.

All in all, the script is exceptionally thought-provoking and provides a fresh narrative ripe with eerie direction and a complex protagonist/antagonist lead.

Nice.

Pia!!! This is super cool! I can't wait to see it!

Quoted from Grandma Bear Just wanted to thank everyone who read and commented on this one. Great suggestions for improvement and a better title. I fully intended to do a rewrite once this crazy year is over. It looks like I won't be doing that now though. This one has been picked up by a director in Bulgaria. This is the fourth (I think) script of mine that's found interest by people in Eastern Europe. I guess those people like my darker fare!   Big thanks to Janet for putting this one up on the STS site!

Congratulations on all your success, it is deservedly so.

Hi Pia

First off loved this short! Good job in writing a story that should look great on film. IMO you know your craft. Keep it up.

HH

Thanks for reading guys!

Lee, Lianne is indeed the young Doc. She is a psychopath. She killed her mother. She has not killed anyone since her mother. The world is full of psychopaths however. They are everywhere. A very small percentage of them actually become killers, but Lianne is one of them.

Now for some more positive thoughts. I talked to the lead for Scarred today. Scarred was my version of the 1+6WC thriller.  I'm stoked. Cheers!!!!