Family Trip by Eric Wall (EWall433) - Short, Drama - A poor, Texas family loads up their camping gear for a weekend trip, but one of them will not be returning. - pdf, format

Hey Eric,

Took a look at this. Took a few notes, but nothing really struck me as out of the ordinary format wise, so I'll focus on story.

****SPOILERS****

You did a great job with your descriptions, especially in the opening. You did a good job of showing us how poor these people were with the brown grass, the rattle and hubcaps on the car, and the fact they didnt have a GPS. Wendy referred only to a map on their trip.

At first I just figured Carrie was upset with her weight. I got the feeling this trip could have been some beauty contest or something, especially after her father have Carrie the evil eye about her eating a sandwich. Reasonable, I think. Poor people. This could be their chance to strike it rich. So, that right there have me reservations about the father, providing some tension, which was further reiterated when I discovered the real reason for the trip. I thought the father might have had something to do with that as well.

But he redeemed himself and showed his true colors when he went back for Carries book.

I knew there was something up with that book the moment you mentioned it twice. Later on, at the end, I see.

Very good writing, Eric. Concise, good descriptions and not a lot of wasted space. Would be easy to film, as well. Not sure what you could do to make this better. It felt a bit flat at the end, but the reveal was touching enough. I just thought the emotion could have gone a little deeper in regards to your set up.

Overall, very good work.

Steve

Hey Steve, thanks for the read. For a post that had “**spoilers**” at the top, you did a pretty good job avoiding them  

Quoted from SAC I got the feeling this trip could have been some beauty contest

Heh, that actually makes sense. I never thought about the way those two clues might play off each other.

Quoted from SAC I thought the father might have had something to do with that as well.

That’s a fair thought. I didn’t want to be too specific about how this decision was made, nor did I want to indict any of the characters. But I definitely wanted to show the kinds of pressures that would be coming from all sides in this type of situation.

Quoted from SAC It felt a bit flat at the end, but the reveal was touching enough. I just thought the emotion could have gone a little deeper in regards to your set up.

I hear you. I worried the mystery might make it hard to latch onto her viewpoint through-out, so I tried to make it clear her state of mind afterwards. As a result the reveal, to an extent, tells us what we already know. Because of the subject matter, I want to keep this as natural as possible. I think that means giving Carrie a very tight (and perhaps shallower) emotional arc. I worry trying to force something deeper could break the realism I’m going for. But perhaps that is a false choice. Will continue to ponder.

Thanks a ton for the read and your thoughts. Much appreciated.

Hey Eric,

I really enjoyed reading this.  Well, I guess "enjoyed" isn't the right word, but I found it to be a very engaging read.  It flowed smoothly, had well-developed characters and dialogue and didn't overstay it's welcome.

I also like that it didn't take a side; or at least, it didn't feel like it.  It felt like a very objective look at a tough situation, which I think is hard to write. It's hard to write something like this without your viewpoint seeping into it.  And while it seemed tragic, it never seemed judgmental.

My one gripe: the logline.  I know you've gotta pique interest in your script, but the logline almost reads cheesy next to the script.  You tip your hand pretty early as to what's going on (which I liked; no point in drawing it out), so I immediately knew what the logline meant.  Also, the logline leaves no type of suspense as to what's going to happen.  Personally, I'd think of a new one.

Aside from that, nicely done.

-Matt

Hey Dressel, thanks for the read. It’s always nice when someone takes something more or less exactly as intended, and everything you mentioned was at the forefront of my mind in writing this.

As far as the logline, yeah I’ll go back to square one on that. All I really know is I’d want what this story’s about to be revealed in the script itself rather than the logline. I worry the subject matter could cause people to ‘turn off’ and I’d prefer the chance to lull people in.

“A poor Texas family deals with the ramifications of a major decision over the course of a weekend trip.”

Is that any better? Not cheesy at least? Maybe I should put Carrie at the center of it. Or maybe I should just bite the bullet and say what this thing’s about.  It’s wide open right now. Too wide open. Oh well…

Thanks for the read, man. It’s a big help.
Eric

Hi Eric,

This is very well written (and "natural", as you wanted it to be). At first, I expected some sort of heart-breaking revelation (I had my suspicions about the father, like Steven did), but clearly this is not the kind of story you wanted to tell. So, good job!

Just a small suggestion: It would be more plausible if Carrie's book was left behind by someone else's negligence. I don't think she could forget it - not this time.

Take care,
Manolis

Quoted from EWall433 As far as the logline, yeah I’ll go back to square one on that. All I really know is I’d want what this story’s about to be revealed in the script itself rather than the logline. I worry the subject matter could cause people to ‘turn off’ and I’d prefer the chance to lull people in. “A poor Texas family deals with the ramifications of a major decision over the course of a weekend trip.” Is that any better? Not cheesy at least? Maybe I should put Carrie at the center of it. Or maybe I should just bite the bullet and say what this thing’s about.  It’s wide open right now. Too wide open. Oh well…

Logline's still not quite there.  It doesn't flow that well.  Ramifications isn't really a "sexy" word (he said, inappropriately using the word sexy).

For me, I liked that you withheld what it's about, but only for so long, so I don't know if it's a good thing to bring up in the logline.  Might want to get a few more opinions on that.

Hello Athenian,

Thanks for checking this out and letting me know how it struck you. As for your suggestion, I’d actually had that concern too. I tried to think of a way to account for it, but my solutions kind of made the scene drag, so I just left it. But since you brought it up, I’ve been revisiting it and may have something short and simple that could do the trick. Still trying to smooth it over in my head, but many thanks.

Dressel,

Yeah, my instinct’s not to reveal in the logline. I think I’ll have to just write a couple dozen of these down when I get the chance and start seeing what works and what doesn’t. Thanks for getting back to me.

I think you did a great job with this one. When I first saw it was a drama and 17 pages, I groaned a little because more often than not, it means it will be a loong hard to get through read. Not this one. I think you handled the subject matter with excellence. You didn't go overboard with emotions and turned it into a sob fest. It felt very real.

Characters all felt real too and were likable.

Dialogue was fine too.

Excellent pacing. Fantastic job on keeping me interested. Writing was good and it was a fast read. A couple of over descriptive sentences. Mostly the type where you tell us something we already know.

I have nothing else to say than great job! Should be easy to film too for a serious filmmaker. My suggestion to you would be to send this script to Janet for posting on the SS home page for the STS blog.

Good Luck!  

Page 3.   We already know Wendy sits in the passenger seat. No need to repeat.

Page 4.   Hmmm. Intrigued.

Page 8.   I just wanted to comment here that you do a great job with the pacing and the way you gives us clues and information. Keeps the intrigue and interest up.

    

Hey Pia,

Thanks for taking a look at this. I’m glad I vanquished your groans   And thanks for suggestion about the STS blog. Once I get this logline nailed down and go through it again, I may just do that.

As far as the repetitive description, I think I have a tendency to try to re-establish something in the image so readers don’t forget. But the instance you mention is a prime example of where that’s not necessary, so I’ll have to keep a closer eye on it.

Once again, thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I’m glad you liked it.
Eric

Hey Eric - this is a really nice piece of work. You have a talent here. Not a lot happened in 17 pages, but you made what did happen engaging and you made it matter.

That was a very smart reveal on the photo - I didn't get what it was going to be at all - always had the book title in mind as a meaningful prop.

You write with an engaging style, and that's a major plus.

Nit-picks:

p1. A small, cluttered room surrounds her. doesn't need the comma.

HANK HERON(49), a man who looks accustom to...: visually, a man who looks like he is, is the same as a man who is and 'is' is the more positive form here, because if he only looks like he is, then he isn't and therefore what is he?

NED (40s), in a perpetual state of inebriated cheer - nice line

WENDY
Yes, Dr. Berkowitz.
-- needs a full-stop. Filmed, there is nothing that indicates Dr S's name, but it's implied that he's a Dr, so she could be responding with his name. A period (what the Yanks call it), or 'Yes, a Dr etc' separates sufficiently.

p11. ...looks out on a vast, desert plain. --comma not needed.

Hank notices her, "save us" look and nods. --comma not needed.

Nit-picks done with. I liked the layers here, and you seem to have dealt with this with some degree of subtlety:
     HANK
Yeah, God’s lettin’ the weather in,
alright.

I couldn't help but think there needed to be some pause-for-thought before Hank's "I'm useless here" line.

So-- you could have easily fit this into half the pages you did, but you did a great job bringing out the characters here - you've a nice relaxed way of portraying them. Very engaging, and a nice piece of work.

Hey Simon,

Thanks for taking a look at this. I’m glad it did something for you.

Quoted from Forgive Nit-picks:

Yes! Nitpick away.

Quoted from Forgive doesn't need the comma comma not needed comma not needed

Hey, how did those get there? I’ll have to keep a closer eye on that. I’ve always been a little unsure of exactly when, and when not, to use those things. I picked out a few similar misuses as I was going through it.

Quoted from Forgive HANK HERON(49), a man who looks accustom to...: visually, a man who looks like he is, is the same as a man who is and 'is' is the more positive form here, because if he only looks like he is, then he isn't and therefore what is he?

This comes from me trying not to use the dreaded “is” word, but you have a point. I think I found a solution for both of us…

"HANK HERON (49), a man accustom to carrying burdens."

Nice catch on Wendy’s dialogue, and I’m surprised you sensed the missing beat before Hank’s line. I actually thought the same thing, but left it alone. Since you mentioned it, I went back and added a little something in.

Quoted from Forgive So-- you could have easily fit this into half the pages you did, but you did a great job bringing out the characters here - you've a nice relaxed way of portraying them.

This actually started out as character back story for a feature I’m working. I knew that I’d never be able to fit this trip into the actual screenplay, but it kept knocking around my head. I imagine most of the ‘relaxed’ tone stems from me being able to come up with this stuff without worrying about cramming plot points into it. It was only recently that I realized a little tinkering and some minor changes could turn this into something capable of standing on its own.

Thanks again for your thoughts and nitpicks   It’s a big help.
Eric

Took me a while to get to this... glad I finally got round to it!

I think the tone you establish in this short is fantastic, I felt transported - wasn't entirely sure I wanted to be there when you revealed where they we're 'holidaying'.

There's also a great economy with the dialogue, feels very real.

Poignant tale, well told.

Great job

Anthony

Eric

“a man accustom to carrying burdens.”
“in a perpetual state of inebriated cheer,”

- I liked these descriptions although “accustom” is missing and “ed” at the end.

Good opening scene, natural dialogue.

“Hank hits the turn signal and presses on the gas. As he
slips past, the other car lays on its HORN.”

- Why would the other car honk at him? Hank just indicated (turn signal) and passed him out, nothing illegal about that. If anything, Hank should’ve beeped him for leaving his indicator on for six minutes prior.

By page 5 you have me engaged, good writing, life-like characters. I know something ominous is on the horizon for them, just not sure what it is (although I could guess that it’s an abortion for Carrie) Good build up of suspense all the same.

I know it was mentioned earlier that Wendy and Carrie were going to take the bus but now that they are waiting at the bus stop I can’t help wondering why they made that decision and didn’t take the car. Maybe Wendy can’t drive and this was (understandably) a strictly “girls only” affair.

HANK
There was a problem with the card
when I went to check out. Guy
behind the counter was real nice.
Let me use the phone book, but the
only place I could think to call
was a pawn shop.

- What, so he sold some of their stuff to pay the motel bill? Was this part of the plan? I’m confused.

Simple but effective scene with the Southern rock music blaring, Wendy reading the pamphlet and Carrie crying unbeknownst in the back seat.

I liked the scene of Carrie obsessing over the book, demanding they go for it and the parents knowing better than to argue. Well, Hank puts up a fight but wisely gives in. Again, a simple scene but it shows how Carrie treasures something as replaceable as a book, as if she’s determined to look after that, unlike her unborn child. Plus, it has, in a way, been through the traumatic experience with her, her only companion or solace during a difficult time.

WENDY
Any time.

- I know I’m being too literal here but would she say this? “Any time” sort of suggests, “ya, sure, when this happens again you can count on me” I know you didn’t intend it that way, neither does Wendy but it just stuck out for me. Maybe change it to “No problem” or something similar. No big deal anyway.

Great ending, I wondered what the question was and thought the book itself would hold some significance and might explain (on top of the reasoning I gave above as I imagined you thought) why she was so adamant about getting the book back but having Carrie keep the sonogram photo was a deft touch, poignant and sad, very well judged.

Overall, I don’t have many complaints with this, I really dug it, man. Really appreciated the simplicity of the story, I thought they might get into an accident when Hank looked to be tired behind the wheel but that was just to show he was determined to get his daughter home as soon as possible to make end ordeal sooner rather than later.

Also, I thought Ned might be connected, in that he got Carrie pregnant but he was just one of those annoyingly intrusive neighbours, harmless, well meaning but don’t know their boundaries.

Overall, this was a real slice of life, understated, mature and truthful. Deserves more reads.

Well done.

Col.

Eric,

Nice job with this. Thought writing was solid. It had a nice pace.

Even though the subject matter was tough, It had a sort light, breezy flow to it.

I liked the description of the Dad. We are not given specific description of what he looks like but just that little line - a man accustom to carrying burdens - conjured up a lot of visual ideas of who this man was, what he might look like, and in terms of his spirit/nature.

I liked that it felt real and grounded. Definitely something that is not explored enough these days. Was refreshing.

Also thought the scene in the car Where Hank is addressing Carrie eating the sandwich was done well. Subtle information given there.

Nice job. Good luck with this.

There be dragons...I mean spoilers ahead!

Hi Eric,

This was very well written and you handled a sensitive subject extremely realistically and well. It flowed smoothly and naturally. There's some great use of sub-text here, like the way we discover Ned doesn't know what the road trip was about but kinda has his suspicions.

I'm going to put my practical head on here though and ask would an audience be willing to sit through 16 minutes of this? We have a couple of parents driving their daughter to have an abortion then driving home and talking about normal every day stuff. There's 5-6 minutes where the audience would have no clue what the story is about (unless they read the logline and put 2 and 2 together) and that's a long time to keep the modern audience engaged. The tend to flick off if they get bored after a minute tops!

There's nothing wrong with the script, or the story at all. I just wasn't enthralled.  It wasn't so much I couldn't wait to find out what happened next, more of I hope something really interesting and engaging happens.

This did briefly happen (for me anyway) when they were in the examination room. There was tension there, drama. I felt that sparkle of real interest, especially when she wanted to ask a question but then I don't think we ever found out what the question or the answer was; which was disappointing.

I sussed out what was in the book and why it was so important so the rest of the script was just filler material for me.

But really well written. This would be a great short to shoot for any budding director and actors looking for something meaty to practice with.

Keep on writing, you've got talent!

Mark

Quoted from MarkRenshaw especially when she wanted to ask a question but then I don't think we ever found out what the question or the answer was; which was disappointing.

- Sorry to hijack the thread and answer a question directed at the author but you do find out what her question was. She requested a copy of the sonogram photo to take home with her. She had left it in the book which is why she freaked out when realising she'd forgotten it.

I'll butt back out now...

Quoted from Colkurtz8 - Sorry to hijack the thread and answer a question directed at the author but you do find out what her question was. She requested a copy of the sonogram photo to take home with her. She had left it in the book which is why she freaked out when realising she'd forgotten it. I'll butt back out now...

Ah so that was the question? Sorry, I didn't work that out. I'm an ejit.

Hey guys. Sorry for the delayed response. Between the 7WC and what will have to pass for my “vacation”, I hadn’t even noticed this was bumped for awhile.


Hey Anthony, thanks for the read and comments.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood There's also a great economy with the dialogue, feels very real.

I’m glad you liked it. On the dialogue, I did a lot of rewording of things in my head. It’s hard to get characters to talk in a way that maintains mystery, but still feels real and like they know what they’re discussing.


Hey, Col. Thanks for the read and the extensive notes.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I liked these descriptions although “accustom” is missing and “ed” at the end.

Whoops. Sounded right in my head  

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Why would the other car honk at him? Hank just indicated (turn signal) and passed him out, nothing illegal about that. If anything, Hank should’ve beeped him for leaving his indicator on for six minutes prior.

I was trying to think the kind of mundane annoyances that might occur during a road trip. Idiot drivers was one of them and this one a variation of something that happened to me recently. Basically the guy in front of me was going 30 in a 40 and when I went to legally pass him he honked at me then blinded me with his high beams.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I know it was mentioned earlier that Wendy and Carrie were going to take the bus but now that they are waiting at the bus stop I can’t help wondering why they made that decision and didn’t take the car. Maybe Wendy can’t drive and this was (understandably) a strictly “girls only” affair.

That actually took some figuring for me too, but I didn’t want to get expository about it. Basically, I thought up a scenario where Wendy encourages Hank to rest up for the drive, rather than check out of the hotel early and sit around in the waiting room (my research told me only one ‘guest’ is allowed to be present during the procedure.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 What, so he sold some of their stuff to pay the motel bill? Was this part of the plan? I’m confused.

That was an unexpected hitch that Hank had encountered. When Hank went to check out a problem with card resulted in him still owing money and selling some of the camping stuff was the only option to come up with it on short notice.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 WENDY: Any time.

I put a few different lines in there and settled on that one. It was pretty close though, so I might change it again.


Hey Jimi, thanks for giving this a read.

Quoted from JimiLamp I liked the description of the Dad. We are not given specific description of what he looks like but just that little line - a man accustom to carrying burdens - conjured up a lot of visual ideas of who this man was, what he might look like, and in terms of his spirit/nature.

I’m glad you dug that description. Character descriptions are always very challenging and one of the few places where I tend to prefer asides to a straight forward visual. I don’t what kind of clothes a “man accustomed to carrying burdens” would tend to wear.


Hey Mark, Thanks for giving this a look.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw I'm going to put my practical head on here though and ask would an audience be willing to sit through 16 minutes of this? We have a couple of parents driving their daughter to have an abortion then driving home and talking about normal every day stuff. There's 5-6 minutes where the audience would have no clue what the story is about (unless they read the logline and put 2 and 2 together) and that's a long time to keep the modern audience engaged. The tend to flick off if they get bored after a minute tops!

I think you’re right with a certain amount of what you’re saying. The subject matter itself can be off-putting. Even those who are “sympathetic” don’t necessarily want to watch a film about it, so I think the audience would be limited from the get go. Knowing that, I decided to just do it as honestly as possible and try to use mystery to string it along (though I see that didn’t work for you).

But while the audience is niche, I do think it’s there. The execution would have to be pretty close to perfect; with the right director and, most importantly, engaging actors who can evoke a lot of empathy. I think it could fair well if all the cylinders get firing.

I appreciate the angle you brought up there though and certainly appreciate your honesty. Thanks again.

Oh, and Col. Hit the nail on the head in regards to the question.

And finally if anyone wants a return read just shoot me a PM and I’ll give it a look

Eric

Eric

Quoted from EWall433 I was trying to think the kind of mundane annoyances that might occur during a road trip. Idiot drivers was one of them and this one a variation of something that happened to me recently. Basically the guy in front of me was going 30 in a 40 and when I went to legally pass him he honked at me then blinded me with his high beams.

- Ha, yup we all know the sorta wankers you talk about. I was thinking maybe you meant for Hank to blow his horn instead but I totally get where you're coming from.

Quoted from EWall433 That actually took some figuring for me too, but I didn’t want to get expository about it. Basically, I thought up a scenario where Wendy encourages Hank to rest up for the drive, rather than check out of the hotel early and sit around in the waiting room (my research told me only one ‘guest’ is allowed to be present during the procedure.

- Cool, makes sense.

Quoted from EWall433 That was an unexpected hitch that Hank had encountered. When Hank went to check out a problem with card resulted in him still owing money and selling some of the camping stuff was the only option to come up with it on short notice.

- Ya this threw me as it was a rather emasculating and, some would say, devastating to happen, a real knock to one's pride... but it was dealt in such a throwaway manner by Wendy when she found out that I wasn't sure. I suppose since they're a struggling family they're used to situations like this when they have to sell their possessions to get by. Tough goin'.