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Hey man no hard feelings here. If something’s wrong it‘s wrong.. And I‘m trying to get shit right..
I hear what your saying about knowing your weaknesses. I feel like for the most part my titles, plot and twists are interesting to pretty good. But if it isn’t written well, that pretty good message get’s loss by the readers.
“Blood in the water” my OWC script, I felt could have been so much better if I took the time and care that it definitely needed. But the finished product was shabby and barely put together. That was another one you ripped into...lol Which I think snowballed into some other shit. It’s all good though bro. I’ve been getting ripped for about a year now. I’m still submitting. It takes more than a few words to kill the fire.
I guess I'm the only one here who didn't like the twist at the end.
Here is the thing: The guy just had all his five sons murdered, right? His own wife, their own mother poisoned them. So a twist of the sort "Oh, she poisoned him too!", no matter how well carried out, is just not strong enough for me. I mean, in comparison.
It also doesn't change the story in any substantial way. To give you an idea of what I'd consider a more effective twist: What if the woman was finally convinced that her husband hadn't cheated on her after all? That would add some more tragedy to the story, no?
It also doesn't change the story in any substantial way. To give you an idea of what I'd consider a more effective twist: What if the woman was finally convinced that her husband hadn't cheated on her after all? That would add some more tragedy to the story, no?
Interesting thoughts. It was never my original intent to for him to be guilty of an affair. But while writing I felt an affair would have been an interesting character development for Walter after adamantly denying any wrong doing.
To have him be absolved of any guilt, and to have the wife kill off the kids, then find out he was never cheating is definitely an interesting concept. Something I did briefly consider. But to do that I think I would have had to take out the whole cigarette concept for that ending to work. And as tragic as that concept would be, I think while reading it through it would have came off has fairly predictable. I answered that question right out of the gate in the second scene. So from that point on the readers expectations to where the story was taking them goes right out the window. At least IMO.
Besides I liked the whole flawed character trait of the protagonist.
Also with the title…”The Unthinkable” … I was making a conservative effort to make it just that. Unthinkable. The twist was an integral part of telling this story. I wanted to tell a tale that would catch readers by surprise. Which I think it did. Your suggestion is a good one and would work. But I feel the loss of the kids would triumph the “twist” of the Joy finding out he never did cheat. By adding a murder plot throughout the story directed towards the husband, I felt added some layers to the story as well.
But I’m sure a story like this could work in many different facets.
I don’t know what’s up with Joy yet but I like the idea of her not feeling the heat of the water as if she is impervious to pain after being hurt in whatever way by Walter.
WALTER(CONT) You seen it lying around?
- Yes this is splitting hairs but if Walter was referring to his pack of cigarette wouldn’t he say “You seen them lying around” rather than “it”?
WALTER Oh yea, I might as well just add this in. Probably the worst timing.
- Personally I would cut “Oh yeah, I might as well just add this in” and start his dialogue from “Probably the worst…”
WALTER Call me if anything.
- Are we missing a word or two at the end here? Reads that way.
WALTER Yea but I don’t love YOU! So just please, enough already.
- Sh?t you just know this hostile attitude is going to come back to bite him in the ass later. What happened to letting your scorned mistress down gently so she won’t cause sh?t further down the line!
“see’s”
- Remove the apostrophe.
WALTER Whose this?
- Does he not have caller ID?
WALTER I-am-driving-to-work. What’s up?
- Why the use of hyphens?
DETECTIVE I don’t think that’s a good idea?
- Lose the question mark.
“She’s handcuffed in the backseat. A look of social disconnect across her face.”
- “Social disconnect” is a bit much in my opinion, it could be rewritten as:
“She’s handcuffed in the backseat, stares ahead vacantly.” This way you are getting the same visual across in fewer words.
Walter’s dialogue in the interrogation room feels too friendly and causal considering what Joy has done to his children. Plus, I don’t think the cops would let him in there for her safety, seems a very unorthodox method to take.
“He tosses a book of matches on Walter’s lap.”
- A small thing but why wouldn’t he just hand Walter the matches or toss them on the table. Seems strange to throw them on to his lap. Anyway, moving on…
Unfortunately I could see the end coming, her poisoning the cigarettes. Mainly since she was so adamant in having one but it’s an effective shocking conclusion all the same.
Overall, this has its moments, as you can see from some of the page by page notes I took, both the dialogue and prose could do with some work. There are far too many errors and awkward turns of phrase here, some which I didn’t flag, for a mere 11 page script.
Also, from a character perspective I had some issues with Walter and his handling of the situation, his treatment of his bit on the side when talking to her on the phone and his attitude and reaction to finding out that his wife has killed his children. He should be in bits, inconsolable, out for blood, irrational, etc…Instead, he’s actually quite together and composed considering what has happened, especially since he knows why Joy would’ve done it, yet he keeps asking her that very question. Yes there is an element of denial there, not wanting to face up to the grim truth but all in all he reads much to calm and collected for the tragedy that has befallen him.
With Joy, she remains a bit of an enigma and perhaps this was your intention, we don’t get much from her side, she is remarkably cold and downright evil in the post murder scenes. She starts off as the victim, we know she has been betrayed by Walter, we sympathise with her but by the end she is has firmly become the villain, and a most heinous one and that by descending into an almost cartoonish one, like a killer you’d see in a police procedural, not a mother of five.
Her motivation, although present, doesn’t seem to quite justify the extreme measures she takes thus we’re left feeling a bit cold on both characters. I’m not saying you must like your protagonist but here they feel underdeveloped, in that I never believed that Joy or Walter were a couple who had kids together. I know we only meet them when they are going through a crisis but there is such a disconnect there that when Walter questions her in the interrogation room, he almost feel like the cop and she the perp. Again, I don’t think that situation would ever arise in real life, it only exists here to execute the final twist.
The red herring of the recent robberies in the area prompting the reader to assume this is going to happen to Walter’s family was nicely done as when he gets the phone call from Randy we all assume this is what’s happened.
A dark, uncompromising piece of work which has some merit in it directly because of that but I felt oddly disengaged from it by the end due to, in my opinion, unrealistic characterisation and implausible circumstance.
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The Unthinkable
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