Sugarcoat by Nicholas Jolly - Short, Drama -  An elderly man and once famous writer feels compelled to attend counselling at the death of his wife in an attempt to break out of the pattern he has set for himself. 10 pages - pdf, format

Hi Nicholas

A few thoughts, just my opinion of course.

You need to be careful in action lines to not have elements that you caan't really film, e.g. he is experiencing writers block isn't something that's strictly fimable, were he to screw up another blank page or something then it would be implied.

The boy offers him a newspaper but he doesn't take it, is this right? It seems like he does take them as he has them all later?

Might be me but I don't know what 'straight off the beat' means?

Some of the speech neads pauses, beats etc.. they read without them at the mo and are too quick.

You don't really need the Continued at top/bottom of each page.

When Ethan starts to read the note, why is he offscreen? What's on screen?

I like the subtle changes in the repeats, sort of Groundhog Day-esque.

But then I get confused, is this a dream or similar, the couple now don't know each other etc. Samantha laughing etc - sorry lost me here.

So, think there's definitely promise in this and I like the idea that he comes to terms with his loss through repeating his routine but I think it needs to be clearer.

Thanks

Anthony

Hi Anthony,

Apologies for the late reply. I greatly appreciate your notes, this is one of my

first scripts and as such I think I've learned a good lesson in not taking it out of the oven before

its properly cooked (to use a metaphor). Off the beat was a reference to beatniks (a media stereotype from the 60's, was going for jack kerouac i.e.: kill your darlings).

When he is reading, the montage below is playing over his dialogue (my formatting problems probably).

Was trying to convey thatl he has gotten stuck in this pattern, compounded by his senility. Maybe, to get better, we need not change the patterns of our lives (because it always seems to me to be damn near impossible) but just make small changes in outlook and attitude.

The couple was a mistake there in the description, It's not that they don't know each other but that they're fighting rather than madly in love. The minor changes in what the patients he sits with are  used to highlight his stagnation and drive home the theme from the last paragraph.

Hopefully this clears it up and thank you again so much for taking the time to read my screenplay. I greatly appreciate it.

Nick.

Hi Nick.

My pleasure - and don't worry about about taking it out of the oven, the writers on here will hopefully help you finish cooking it (to continue the metaphor).

Happy to read another draft when'if you do one.

Anthony

Hey Anthony,

I have another draft that hopefully adds some definition to the story.

Cant post it up here unfortunately but can email you if you still want to give it a read.

Also, I wouldn't mind reading some of your work if you want/if it is floating

around on the inter webs.

Nick.

PMd you Nick

For me the writing lacks flow. I tried to read this the other day and failed. It reads like a shopping list to me at the moment.

I'd be interested in reading another draft if it has some of your voice put back into it. A mistake from screenwriters just starting out is we tend to drop the voice out completely at some point.

Bring back some of your writer's voice. It's about finding the right balance.

Nicholas

“is experiencing writers block.”

- You need to show us this not just tell us. How will the audience discern his writer’s block on screen? Specify some body language to suggest it, show a pile of balled up papers signifying many false starts or whatever. In fairness, you do have the "blank page" mention but that come after. To convey a character’s plight you need more than just writing it down. Always keep in mind what the viewer will see if it were ever filmed.

Again, always look to shorten the prose, make it punchier, more direct, terse while getting your visuals across. For example:

“He stares at the blank page while smoking a cigarette.”

- Could be rewritten as:

"He stares at the blank page, smokes a cigarette."

Look to drop “and” wherever possible. For example:

“Ethan dashes the cigarette and drops his head.”

- Could be shortened to:

"Ethan dashes the cigarette, drops his head."

These are just my suggestions, my preferences and by no means hard rules but don’t you think the sentences flow better while containing the exact same information? There are lots of other examples like this throughout the script that I think could do with tightening up as shown and therefore improve the read on a whole.

“The receptionist hits the keyboard loudly as a phone rings rather loud.”

- I like the raising of sounds here. To hint at Ethan’s anxiety perhaps? Nice touch if that’s the case.

ETHAN
No I don’t want any.

- Any what? It’s the Man who asked for the cig and lighter.

“We see photos, sequential in order of Ethan and his wife
throughout their lives. They seem happy in some but a
certain distance becomes apparent.”

- Reads a bit lazy, rushed. How about breaking up a few key scenes into separate lines charting their drifting apart? It’s usually how montages are written. I still got a feel of what you are depicting but I think you can try harder

The same can be said for the second montage right after Ethan reads the suicide note.

“We get the sense that he is only now returning.”

- A totally unnecessary line each time, in my opinion.
     
I enjoyed the short scene of the Weatherman, Anchor and Co-Anchor. Typical morning show twaddle, talking nonsense. Well written.

“From his clothes we know it must be”

- You said this the first time around and I left it off but I think this could be written in a more effective and visual way. You could just describe briefly what he’s wearing, even a “thick coat” would do. We’ll get the picture after that.

The whole repetitious routine of his day is leading me to think he has some deep lying mental issues, a failure to move on given the death of his wife...Or it may not be what it seems. Instead, it’s all totally concocted in his imagination and this is really what he is being treated for. Lets read on...

“As he finishes reading Samantha begins laughing.”

- That’s interesting, a surprising reaction which gets the reader thinking and wondering what’s really going on. It automatically leads one to think that things are definitely not what Ethan is letting them on to be...either that or she is a really insensitive shrink. Is she even a shrink...?

CO-ANCHOR
Thanks Mike. Now have you ever
wondered how much animals can
comprehend you when you speak?

- Ha

ANCHOR
Well I don’t have any pets but I
know I have.

- It reads a little awkwardly. How about:

“Well, I don’t have any pets but I have always wondered that.”

“Ethan closes himself on the other side of the front door.”

- What do you mean here? He closes the door on his way out of the apartment?

“He checks has the envelope in his jacket.”

- Missing “he” after “has”. Which is funny since it’s a reoccurring line. I thought you would’ve just copy and pasted it.

Ok, having finished it, it seems there was no surrealist dimension to this, no fracturing of reality on Ethan’s part as he wallows in sorrow. As I said, I thought with the repeated visits to the shrink, the similar people in the waiting room (with varying instruments) the reading of the suicide note over and over again, the absurd reaction from Samantha on the second meeting and just the nature of writer’s block stories in general, that Ethan had detached himself completely from real life and is now going through this cycle in a sort of purgatory as he tries to cope with his loss.

However, it’s a lot more straightforward then that. This is actually what Ethan’s life has degenerated into since his wife’s death, these daily rituals...As he stumbles along confused, depressed and creatively spent.

And that’s fine, seeing how a widowed writer recovers is a potentially interesting story, especially when its channeled through their work but here I don’t know what changes him, what inspires him to turn that corner. Whether it be represented by him not smoking anymore, cleaning his apartment, handing over the suicide note to Samantha and finally beginning a new work on the typewriter.

Basically he goes through two identical routines i.e. waking up, showering, making an appointment, passing the newspaper sellers, etc, before searching and finding his wife’s obituary in his stack of newspapers which seems to trigger something in him, usher in this turning-a-corner but surely he has read the obituary before since it was low down in the stack of papers?

Or had he purposely avoided it until now, afraid to face up to the facts? As if, seeing it in black and white on a newspaper would confirm it to be true which he wasn’t prepared for.

Then, once he was, he was able to move on.

Again, I appreciate what you are going for but I think we need more here to bring about this change, it feels too slight. This is a guy who is in a serious depression which, to your credit, you showcase effectively through his cyclical existence so when he’s suddenly over it all after reading the obituary and breaking down in the bar toilet it almost feels unearned, too easy, too simplistic, you know.

Other than that it’s a decent attempt, I just feel it could do with a bit more meat around the bone. I think Ethan needs more of a push, a perspective changing experience to lift him out of his funk.

Oh, and in hindsight, I really find it hard to believe Samantha would laugh like that. Yes, she does apologise for it in the next meeting but that doesn’t cut it, in my opinion. In fact, for a shrink to laugh at a clearly troubled patient like that is irredeemable...or am I missing the point altogether?

Regards

Col.