Dirk

Good start, straight in there, instant intrigue with the dufflebag. I liked the sniping back and forth too between Matt and Jacob too, raises the tension from the beginning.

“A woman NEWS REPORTER (20), appears under a
spotlight holding a microphone.”

- Nice visual and change of tempo, having her appear in the actual room like that under a spotlight.

ELDERLY WOMAN
Remember me now, Jacob?

- I hope it’s made clearer further on but how is the Elderly Woman the same as the Young Woman? If she got shot at the bank how would she ever grow old?

ELDERLY WOMAN
My how you forget. Are we going to
play this game everytime I see you?

- Jumping back to this line, if she is indeed the ghost of the woman they have just killed in  the bank how would they have met before? Possibly more than once as well as this line suggests? On top of that, if they had met before, why doesn’t he recognize her, what’s the reason for that?

“He collapses to the ground. Out cold.

INT. MOTEL ROOM – LATER

Jacob awakes on the bed. The handgun lies next to him.”

- I’m wondering who knocked him out and then put him on the bed? Jacob, although confused, scared and on the run, should probably be asking himself the same question or at least acknowledge it in some way when Matt re-enters.

ELDERLY WOMAN
Knocking yourself senseless won't
erase me from your pain, Jacob...
but there are other avenues you can
take to make up for the terrible
deeds you bestowed upon me...

- Perhaps a little on the nose…Yet dead people always seem to talk more eloquently in films

JACOB
Ketamine? What the hell is this?

- That goes some way to explain Jacob losing consciousness the way he does and a few of my earlier notes. However, is there is a more suitable drug for that then Ketamine? Seems like a random one…and for horses so you’d imagine getting the does right would be an art in itself. Of course there is the recreational kind but that’s a whole other trip...

ELDERLY WOMAN
Don't believe
me? Check the gun. Your
fingerprints are all over it... not
his.

- I realise I’m being a  bit pedantic here but how could one possible discern an individual’s fingerprints like that without certain equipment? Also, it’s hard to buy the Elderly Woman’s claims of Matt double crossing Jacob when we’ve just seen the former go out the door and take on the cops in a hail of bullets!

MATT
Jacob, look the fuck around. We're
having a costume party.

- He’s acting very calm considering that Suzanne has just been shot in the head by the gun he brought. He should be freaking out big time.

Huge curve ball in the last couple of pages that I didn’t see coming, so it worked in that regard although it does throw up a few questions that left me scratching my head.

First off, the paranoia instigated by the Elderly Woman about Matt drugging Jacob never sat right with me. In that I didn’t believe it as the Elderly Woman was saying it. It just didn’t make sense, that you would drug up your accomplice repeatedly like that after committing a robbery, seems counter intuitive and just not very bright. If Matt was trying to stitch him up he would it in one go, plan it so a once off drugging would be enough for him to execute his framing of Jacob. Plus, as I mentioned above, we have just seen Matt leave to take on the cops.

In terms of the whole illusion thing, I think you are putting too much faith, for want of a better term, in Ketamine causing you to blur reality to such an extent, thus it feels contrived and implausible. Yes it does fu?k with you but the illusion becomes so elaborate by the end, the divide between Jacob’s concocted fantasy and reality is too great. Which is unfortunately spelt out in the final scene match up with the first scene, besides the opening lines the whole dialogue is completely different, too much of a leap in my opinion.

I understand you wanted to hold the reveal as late as possible but there should have been a “I see the drugs have taken hold” or a line to that effect from Matt when Jacob is confronting him about the lies Elderly Woman has fed him. Besides the “I never gave you the pills. You took them on your own” line from Matt, he is continually confused at Jacob’s ravings even though we find out in the final scene that Jacob has indeed taken drugs prior. Again, I get why Matt doesn’t say it for narrative sake but realistically it would’ve been his first question once Jacob started going off on one.

Plus, when Jacob does come to in his bedroom on page 7, the interactions he’s had with Young Woman (Suzanne) have taken place, along with the News Reporter and the Elderly Woman (Christy) so shouldn’t they be all around him too wondering what’s up with him? Or did he just lie down on the bed and start tripping after Matt goes out for a smoke in the final scene flashback?

Anyway, the placement of that last scene is a nice bookend and I wondered, since this is the last scene prior to the drugs taking effect, could you parallel the dialogue a bit more, leave it a bit more ambiguous in the opening scene, a bit more open for interpretation. So that when we get to the last scene the dialogue can remain somewhat similar but given what we now know, takes on a whole new meaning to Jacob’s frazzled state of mind and feeds into his subsequent trip.

A great example of this is Coppola’s “The Conversation”, I won’t spoil it in case you haven’t seen it. Watch it and you’ll see what I mean.

Other than that, I do like what you tried here despite my reservations, it’s clever and shows ambition. The idea of a guy having a bad trip at a costume party and creating this whole other murky, paranoid narrative incorporating the props (spotlight, dufflebag, gun, etc) and the dressed up people (news reporter, Old Lady) is a cool concept, I just think you stretched it too far as I already said, that it doesn’t hold up (much like Jacob’s fantasy) under closer scrutiny once you’ve read it through to the end.

The script definitely earns its title anyway that’s for sure!

Regards

Col.

Col,

Thanks for taking the time to read the script. I really do appreciate it.

Great advice regarding paralleling the dialogue from the opening scene to the final scene. Makes sense and it would help with the confusion that others who have read this become a little more clear.

To be honest, as I writing the script I didn't know exactly how I was going to end it. Obviously the end results has been mixed results. It's possible I got a little over my head with the story itself but incorporating your notes plus others who read this I feel I can make the changes to help flesh this out even more and make it clearer.

Oh, and thanks for the insight on Coppola's "The Conversation". I'll have to check that out.

Thanks once again for the review and let me know if I can return the read.

Take care,

Dirk

Dirk

Glad the notes were of some help.

Thanks for the return read offer. You can check out anything on my sig if you want, you're not obligated.

Just a note: The links in my sig take you directly to the latest drafts on dropbox. Unfortunately you'll have to use the "Search Board" bar on the bottom left of the shorts forum to find the discussion board for whichever script.

Regards

Col.