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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Keller Moderators: bert
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  Author    Keller  (currently 1917 views)
Don
Posted: July 16th, 2014, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Keller by John Cowdell - Short, Horror - Joe Keller appears to be a normal, loving husband. But unbeknownst to his pregnant wife, Caroline, Joe is a mentally unstable serial killer. - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 13th, 2015, 5:57pm
revised draft
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rendevous
Posted: July 23rd, 2014, 7:17am Report to Moderator
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John,

I don't know if you're around so I'll save comments on the script if and when you appear.

You do have a problem with the character's name though.

Lemme know if you show and I miss it.

R


Out Of Character - updated


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rendevous  -  July 23rd, 2014, 9:23am
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BenKelley
Posted: July 23rd, 2014, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was a great read.  Slick.

You should take out of your logline that he's a serial killer.  It's more rewarding to discover that while reading the story.


TO THE EDGE WITH MR. PEMBRY (Short - 8 pages)
HYPNOTIZING TO GET AHEAD  (Thriller - 109 pages)
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Athenian
Posted: July 23rd, 2014, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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Hi John,

Your script was almost flawless for the first 14 pages (characters, dialogue and all). But then too much happens too fast, IMO. And not everything is completely plausible.

For example, [spoiler] Debra didn't seem to be a big thorn in Joe's flesh - not big enough, anyway, to get murdered by him. The guy was a careful serial killer, after all. Would he kill his own wife's sister just for being a slight annoyance? Not very likely. Now, if he had a sexual interest in her and things somehow got out of control (forcing him to reveal his dark side), that, yes, would be a more convincing reason.

Like rendevous, I'm going to wait for you to appear before commenting any further. But you did a very good job, for the most part.

Manolis
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JohnCowdell
Posted: July 23rd, 2014, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for all the feedback everyone. Yeah Anthenian you have a point about Debra. Having a sexual attraction towards her would make more sense. As for things moving fast at the end I wanted it too be a bit mad as Joe has reached total breaking point and all of his past agony had exploded into that one moment with his wife.

Rendevous what is the problem with character name?
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rendevous
Posted: July 23rd, 2014, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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John,

I'm pleased I noticed in a way and you got a few reads from it, as it's not a bad script.

I read a lot. I know. Don't take the mickey. Books too. You can stick yer kindle and the like up yer...

Keller is one of Lawrence Block's more famous creations. If it were old and dusty and unknown it wouldn't matter so much. But he's still around and likely to keep going for sometime yet, plus he put a new Keller out a year or two ago, I think.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawrence_Block

http://lawrenceblock.com/series/keller/

Tis a shame, as it's rather a good name.

Thought I'd let you know so you can rename him. Good luck.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here

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rendevous  -  July 23rd, 2014, 6:45pm
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JohnCowdell
Posted: July 24th, 2014, 5:22am Report to Moderator
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I didn't realize. The only reason I named the character Keller is because it sounds like Killer.
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rendevous
Posted: July 24th, 2014, 5:28am Report to Moderator
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I remember Block saying the same thing near the start of one his novels.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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JohnCowdell
Posted: July 24th, 2014, 6:51am Report to Moderator
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Weird and totally coincidental. The inspiration actually came from an interview with Richard Mathison who had written the truck driver's name in Duel as Keller in earlier draft.
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Colkurtz8
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John

CAROLINE
You know Debra and mum don’t get on that
well.

- Feels like she is telling us her sister’s name, as in talking to the audience. We’ll find her name out soon enough, its unnecessary. It would sound much more natural for her just to say “…they don’t get on…”

I wonder is there a need for the scene between Joe and Caroline in the Hallway when she requests that he buy her chocolate as part of the groceries. If it’s just to show Joe has gone to the shop and misses Debra’s arrival it’s not needed as we can deduce that from the next scene when he enters with groceries bags. Unless the chocolate and her cravings (made up or otherwise) have some significance later on…but even so  that could included in the next scene through a line from Joe. He could say “I got the chocolate the baby wanted” with a knowing smile or whatever.

CAROLINE
Why don’t you put the kettle on and make
us all a drink.

- Would she not say “tea” or “coffee” instead of “drink”? Or she wanting a hot whiskey

The dialogue, while not being completely off, does feel a little laboured at times. Your characters talk in a very on-the-nose, direct way, particularly in the scenes between Caroline and Debra. Maybe this is your intention, this is how you imagine them to talk is just read a bit flat and dull. You could get to the point of the scene a lot quicker in some cases.

Trying having the characters act rather than talk sometimes, let their body language convey what you would otherwise say. A good example of this is right after Nick comes to the door drunk and Pat gets rid of him, Debra’s anger/shame could be portrayed via her gestures and obvious embarrassment rather than spelling it out for us with her “Why did I ever marry him” line. Just something to consider.

Also, do we need to hear the sisters talk about choosing the film for their girly night in? It could probably be cut down while still getting the essence of it across.

WOMAN
A comfortable fuck.

- Ha, I enjoyed that one.

Joe is obviously a bit of a looker if he can snag women like this (I presume this is his MO) so it might be worth putting more into his description at the beginning that he’s handsome or whatever.

JOE
I have too.

- Lose the second “o” in “too”

CAROLINE
Well the kettle is boiled if you want a
drink.

- There it is again, what is this mysterious drink she’s so reluctant to specify?!

Is there any sign of suspicion on Caroline’s part? And I wonder could you include something to indicate this. I mean, her husband goes out all night like that, no call, phone dead, it’s should send alarm bells ringing.

JOE
Are you sure you’re going to be alright
on your own in town.

- Again, it feels like Joe is telling us this information. You could cut the line after “own”

CAROLINE
I’m pregnant. I’m not an invalid.

- She said this already. If she’s going for emphasis through repetition that’s fine just maybe have Joe acknowledge it through rolling his eyes or smiling.

JOE
You always were a hindrance to us!

- Reads awkward, clunky.

Considering that most of the earlier scenes, especially with both sisters, were a bit drawn out, Joe flinging Debra down the stairs felt like it was over before it began. Dramatically, it’s a high point in the script so it wouldn’t hurt to do more with it, perhaps more of a struggle from Debra.

On page 16 you have a 7 line block of prose, try and break these up into 3 lines, 4 max. It eases the read, helps with flow.

“Caroline passes out. Joe steps out of the shadows and stands
over his unconscious wife.”

- Don’t mean to make light of the grizzly scene but isn’t Joe lucky Caroline passes out? How else would he have been able to exit the basement without she seeing him? Would've been a tough one to explain.

CAROLINE
But you didn’t see her Joe. It was
horrible. Why did she do it?

- Why would she say “but you didn’t see her Joe” when obviously he did? Who else would’ve brought her up to the bedroom from the basement?

JOE
Yes. I’m afraid it’s true. Your own
loving husband, the father of your unborn
child, is none other than our town’s very
own “Jack The Ripper”. Didn’t see this
one coming, did you?

- Well, I didn’t see him just coming clean like that. Why confess now?

“Caroline’s grief suddenly gives way to anger.”

- Really, I find it hard to imagine she would get angry like this. More like confusion, disbelief and fear.

That whole confession scene and Caroline’s immediate reaction rings very false, implausible.

Ah, so it’s the overbearing father figure that’s driven him to kill people, a valid excuse sure but haven’t we seen this far too many times before? Plus, the way it’s written just makes Joe sound like a whiney little child who didn’t get his own way. Maybe this was your intention, if so, I feel it undercuts the menace and scariness of his character, reduces him to blubbering baby but without the sympathy since he’s, you know killed innocent people!

VOICE IN HEAD (V.O.)
What the fuck are you waiting for!? Kill
her! Kill her and be done with it. Make
me proud for once in your pathetic life.

- Having a pushy dad who forces you to get a steady job is one thing but did he really want his son to be a murderer? I get this is really a manifestation of Joe’s psyche but then you have to wonder where did he his bloodlust come from. The reasoning you’ve given us (pressurising father) isn’t sufficient.

Having read on I guess there is more to his back story with his mother committing suicide.

JOE
Do you know what it’s like to find a dead
body? Oh I forgot, of course you do.

- Is this an attempt at humour? Seems like an odd place to put it within such a deadly serious scene, it jars.

JOE (CONT’D)
So you’re going to stab me now, are you?
Your own husband? The man you’ve been
married too for the past five years? The
father of your unborn child? Be serious,
Caroline. Leave the killing to me.

- I understand he’s crazed now but that is one helluva a flawed reasoning right there. After all that’s been revealed to Caroline in the previous couple of pages, for him to start playing the “but I’m your husband and the father of your unborn child” card just reads laughable.

Very confused ending, not that I didn’t get it, more that Joe was confused in what he was saying, what he really meant, what he really wanted. I thought he might try to convince her that it would be best if they covered up Debra’s murder and go on living as normal but instead he makes his intentions clear that he’s going to kill her…then he asks for a divorce…then he lunges for her…and when stabbed, says he loves her. The dude is very mixed up indeed and again maybe this is all deliberate on your part, reflecting his frazzled state of mind.

That aside, I think the script has problems, the main one being believability. I did find any of the characters to be real, the dialogue, actions and reactions didn’t ring true.  The plot (while having some interesting elements in how a seemingly normal family man harbours this dark secret unknown to his nearest and dearest) fails to generate any real drama or narrative coherence.  One reason for that is Joe just coming clean the way he does to Caroline, feels like you missed out on a good opportunity there for maybe Caroline to find out or perhaps Debra which could serve as a catalyst for him killing her.

Think how much tension and suspense you could build by having one of them inadvertently discover Joe murderous ways before going into a final confrontation? I think we need more of a motivation for Joe to kill Debra because when he does, it’s clear his days are numbered. Even if he makes it look like a hanging I’m sure a post mortem examination will suggest foul play. Having Debra find out about his penchant for killing could be a way to create this motivation.

Anyway, the writing is pretty decent on a technical front but the actual story could do with work, a more fleshed out dramatically satisfying revamp. As it’s written, it lumbers along with too many arbitrary conversations and scenes to a sometimes head scratching, generally underwhelming conclusion. On reflection you could probably tell this in 15 pages or less, still throw in a twist or two and not have it progress in such a lethargic, linear fashion as its currently stands.

Col.


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JohnCowdell
Posted: August 4th, 2014, 7:26am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the hefty feedback. I agree with some of your comments and will certainly look into making some changes. I don't like to explain much sometimes. I like mysterious characters with little or no back story.

As regards to this drink that baffles you, it's just a common saying. We say it in our house because not everyone drinks the same hot beverage, plus a married couple would know what the other drinks without needing to define.

I will read your scripts and hopefully leave some feedback of my own.
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