John
CAROLINE
You know Debra and mum don’t get on that
well.
- Feels like she is telling us her sister’s name, as in talking to the audience. We’ll find her name out soon enough, its unnecessary. It would sound much more natural for her just to say “…they don’t get on…”
I wonder is there a need for the scene between Joe and Caroline in the Hallway when she requests that he buy her chocolate as part of the groceries. If it’s just to show Joe has gone to the shop and misses Debra’s arrival it’s not needed as we can deduce that from the next scene when he enters with groceries bags. Unless the chocolate and her cravings (made up or otherwise) have some significance later on…but even so that could included in the next scene through a line from Joe. He could say “I got the chocolate the baby wanted” with a knowing smile or whatever.
CAROLINE
Why don’t you put the kettle on and make
us all a drink.
- Would she not say “tea” or “coffee” instead of “drink”? Or she wanting a hot whiskey
The dialogue, while not being completely off, does feel a little laboured at times. Your characters talk in a very on-the-nose, direct way, particularly in the scenes between Caroline and Debra. Maybe this is your intention, this is how you imagine them to talk is just read a bit flat and dull. You could get to the point of the scene a lot quicker in some cases.
Trying having the characters act rather than talk sometimes, let their body language convey what you would otherwise say. A good example of this is right after Nick comes to the door drunk and Pat gets rid of him, Debra’s anger/shame could be portrayed via her gestures and obvious embarrassment rather than spelling it out for us with her “Why did I ever marry him” line. Just something to consider.
Also, do we need to hear the sisters talk about choosing the film for their girly night in? It could probably be cut down while still getting the essence of it across.
WOMAN
A comfortable fuck.
- Ha, I enjoyed that one.
Joe is obviously a bit of a looker if he can snag women like this (I presume this is his MO) so it might be worth putting more into his description at the beginning that he’s handsome or whatever.
JOE
I have too.
- Lose the second “o” in “too”
CAROLINE
Well the kettle is boiled if you want a
drink.
- There it is again, what is this mysterious drink she’s so reluctant to specify?!
Is there any sign of suspicion on Caroline’s part? And I wonder could you include something to indicate this. I mean, her husband goes out all night like that, no call, phone dead, it’s should send alarm bells ringing.
JOE
Are you sure you’re going to be alright
on your own in town.
- Again, it feels like Joe is telling us this information. You could cut the line after “own”
CAROLINE
I’m pregnant. I’m not an invalid.
- She said this already. If she’s going for emphasis through repetition that’s fine just maybe have Joe acknowledge it through rolling his eyes or smiling.
JOE
You always were a hindrance to us!
- Reads awkward, clunky.
Considering that most of the earlier scenes, especially with both sisters, were a bit drawn out, Joe flinging Debra down the stairs felt like it was over before it began. Dramatically, it’s a high point in the script so it wouldn’t hurt to do more with it, perhaps more of a struggle from Debra.
On page 16 you have a 7 line block of prose, try and break these up into 3 lines, 4 max. It eases the read, helps with flow.
“Caroline passes out. Joe steps out of the shadows and stands
over his unconscious wife.”
- Don’t mean to make light of the grizzly scene but isn’t Joe lucky Caroline passes out? How else would he have been able to exit the basement without she seeing him? Would've been a tough one to explain.
CAROLINE
But you didn’t see her Joe. It was
horrible. Why did she do it?
- Why would she say “but you didn’t see her Joe” when obviously he did? Who else would’ve brought her up to the bedroom from the basement?
JOE
Yes. I’m afraid it’s true. Your own
loving husband, the father of your unborn
child, is none other than our town’s very
own “Jack The Ripper”. Didn’t see this
one coming, did you?
- Well, I didn’t see him just coming clean like that. Why confess now?
“Caroline’s grief suddenly gives way to anger.”
- Really, I find it hard to imagine she would get angry like this. More like confusion, disbelief and fear.
That whole confession scene and Caroline’s immediate reaction rings very false, implausible.
Ah, so it’s the overbearing father figure that’s driven him to kill people, a valid excuse sure but haven’t we seen this far too many times before? Plus, the way it’s written just makes Joe sound like a whiney little child who didn’t get his own way. Maybe this was your intention, if so, I feel it undercuts the menace and scariness of his character, reduces him to blubbering baby but without the sympathy since he’s, you know killed innocent people!
VOICE IN HEAD (V.O.)
What the fuck are you waiting for!? Kill
her! Kill her and be done with it. Make
me proud for once in your pathetic life.
- Having a pushy dad who forces you to get a steady job is one thing but did he really want his son to be a murderer? I get this is really a manifestation of Joe’s psyche but then you have to wonder where did he his bloodlust come from. The reasoning you’ve given us (pressurising father) isn’t sufficient.
Having read on I guess there is more to his back story with his mother committing suicide.
JOE
Do you know what it’s like to find a dead
body? Oh I forgot, of course you do.
- Is this an attempt at humour? Seems like an odd place to put it within such a deadly serious scene, it jars.
JOE (CONT’D)
So you’re going to stab me now, are you?
Your own husband? The man you’ve been
married too for the past five years? The
father of your unborn child? Be serious,
Caroline. Leave the killing to me.
- I understand he’s crazed now but that is one helluva a flawed reasoning right there. After all that’s been revealed to Caroline in the previous couple of pages, for him to start playing the “but I’m your husband and the father of your unborn child” card just reads laughable.
Very confused ending, not that I didn’t get it, more that Joe was confused in what he was saying, what he really meant, what he really wanted. I thought he might try to convince her that it would be best if they covered up Debra’s murder and go on living as normal but instead he makes his intentions clear that he’s going to kill her…then he asks for a divorce…then he lunges for her…and when stabbed, says he loves her. The dude is very mixed up indeed and again maybe this is all deliberate on your part, reflecting his frazzled state of mind.
That aside, I think the script has problems, the main one being believability. I did find any of the characters to be real, the dialogue, actions and reactions didn’t ring true. The plot (while having some interesting elements in how a seemingly normal family man harbours this dark secret unknown to his nearest and dearest) fails to generate any real drama or narrative coherence. One reason for that is Joe just coming clean the way he does to Caroline, feels like you missed out on a good opportunity there for maybe Caroline to find out or perhaps Debra which could serve as a catalyst for him killing her.
Think how much tension and suspense you could build by having one of them inadvertently discover Joe murderous ways before going into a final confrontation? I think we need more of a motivation for Joe to kill Debra because when he does, it’s clear his days are numbered. Even if he makes it look like a hanging I’m sure a post mortem examination will suggest foul play. Having Debra find out about his penchant for killing could be a way to create this motivation.
Anyway, the writing is pretty decent on a technical front but the actual story could do with work, a more fleshed out dramatically satisfying revamp. As it’s written, it lumbers along with too many arbitrary conversations and scenes to a sometimes head scratching, generally underwhelming conclusion. On reflection you could probably tell this in 15 pages or less, still throw in a twist or two and not have it progress in such a lethargic, linear fashion as its currently stands.
Col.