Jimi

While I like the specificity of the visuals in the opening scenes, the phone, the dripping faucet, the latter is hardly anything new in symbolising loneliness or emptiness or silence, whatever. Again, the writing is good, clear, assured, it’s just focusing on dripping water has descended into cliché.

“Essence finally disappears into the dark.”

- I appreciate the poeticisms but is this one stretching it a little far, perhaps trying too hard?

To be fair, as I read on, it became clear that you can write and technically the prose is solid.

Unfortunately, on a personal level, I’m got over vampire films a long time ago, however, you do try to do something different with this, basically detailing a guy’s initial period of confusion and disorientation after being bitten and initiated into the flock. You withhold the true nature of events for as long as you can and keep us wondering what is exactly going on. I liked the escort service angle too as a way to lure unsuspecting men into their ranks.

The title threw me off in that I thought it was going to be a comedy, even when Paul is squeezing the blood and pus from his neck wound I was waiting for it turn lighter (in tone) and didn’t actually cop the vampire element until he reads the ad and the word “eternal” Not that I’m suggesting you change the title or anything, it works.

Also, I guess the dripping faucet did play a part aurally later on as Paul’s hearing intensifies amid his transformation and hey, on the basis of this, being turned into a vampire doesn’t seem like such a bad deal. He’s got three beauties in his company now, one way to alleviate the loneliness

Overall, not bad, well written, atmospheric but suffers from lack of originality on the whole.

Col.

Mark,

Thanks for the read and comments.

All your points are valid and considered moving forward. This was an experiment in a few ways. One being an Idea for a very low budget, self contained short I might shoot myself. So took some liberties with writing a bit. But your comments are definitely helpful and appreciated as this was a bit of a spur of the moment Idea and still working it out.

Thx again.

Col,

Thx for the read and comments.

I hear ya with the faucet. This was one of those strange spur of the moment ideas. The faucet on one level was meant to symbolize male "energy" the bead of water male "essence". The drain, natural female power, the void being the gate for the cycle for birth and death.

Too cryptic. Over the top. not needed. Etc. Maybe. Was reading a lot about the genocide of feminine power in mythology and religion and the Idea of the aspect of the feminine being turned into something evil, tainted, less than. Just felt compelled to write it. Probably didn't do some of these ideas justice.

I didn't see this as a vampire idea specifically. More male/female sexuality. Violence. Taking ones will, essence away. But that's all apart of vampire lore. I hear ya. Trying too hard? Probably. I was just in a mood I suppose.

Also hear ya about the comedy. I guess for me, between the title and some of what takes place. Some of the absurdity - that was funny to me in a dark dry/subtle way. But didn't go out of my way to inject comedy. So see what you mean.

Threw this up cause needed some work and perspective. Thx for taking the time to comment. It's definitely helpful. Hopefully I can take some of these notes and make it better.

Much obliged.

Quoted from JimiLamp I hear ya with the faucet. This was one of those strange spur of the moment ideas. The faucet on one level was meant to symbolize male "energy" the bead of water male "essence". The drain, natural female power, the void being the gate for the cycle for birth and death. Too cryptic. Over the top. not needed. Etc. Maybe. Was reading a lot about the genocide of feminine power in mythology and religion and the Idea of the aspect of the feminine being turned into something evil, tainted, less than. Just felt compelled to write it. Probably didn't do some of these ideas justice. I didn't see this as a vampire idea specifically. More male/female sexuality. Violence. Taking ones will, essence away. But that's all apart of vampire lore. I hear ya. Trying too hard? Probably. I was just in a mood I suppose.

- I see, that's interesting stuff. I obviously took it on a much more simplified, pop culture level. Being so saturated with vampire flicks I jumped to conclusions but yeah you can understand why. That sexual element is innate to the succubus archetype.

I only meant "trying too hard" in reference to that one line I quoted, not for the piece in general. Also, to your credit, you obviously put a bit of thought into featuring the dripping faucet. Like I said, you do call back to it later on so its not merely a throwaway not-so-original visual.

Quoted from JimiLamp Also hear ya about the comedy. I guess for me, between the title and some of what takes place. Some of the absurdity - that was funny to me in a dark dry/subtle way. But didn't go out of my way to inject comedy. So see what you mean.

- Ya, the title totally works. Its just when we talk about a hickey its usually something one tries to cover up, or display proudly. Either way, its a source of derision/respect for your friends. All depends on the girl really. This is what I had in mind when going into this, maybe you were chronicling the worst hickey ever, taken to the extreme! Jokes aside though, in relation to the theme of the script, whether it be straight vampire or something deeper as you've alluded to, it suits perfectly, succeeds on a couple of levels actually, don't change it.

Also, in terms of the "The Death of Marat" painting I meant to comment on this the last time. I liked the inclusion of it hanging on the wall, again, it can apply in a vampire context with the neck wound but upon learning your inspiration it holds an even greater significance as it depicts a French revolutionary seduced and killed by a lady of the night, right? (I'd like to thank wikipedia for making that comment possible ) I appreciate little details like that in a film/script, shows the writer/filmmaker's attention to detail and how their mind is working outside the main thrust of the story to enhance and enrich its overall impression. Good job.

Col.

Hey Jimi,

So I liked this on the whole, parts of it more than others.  The early tone was good, and I liked how you telegraphed where the story would lead without being overt about it.

There were a few things I would change, were this mine.  The pill bottles seem like an unnecessary detail that do not pay off later.  I did not like the vomiting, but that is just a peeve of mine.  Seems like nearly everything I watch or read these days needs to have somebody throwing up.  I don't get it.  Watch for it and you'll see it all the time, I swear.

I also did not like the insertion of the family photo.  I know what you are going for, but here it felt artificial and forced.  I don't think you need it.

I did like the use of the painting, though.  I liked that a lot.  I am a big fan of true details that encourage the interested reader to pop over to Google -- and then they do not disappoint once located.  Nicely done.

You also made great use of a single setting, but at the same time, the piece feels a bit light, and I guess that is a function of how you chose to end this.  It is not that it needs much more, but it does seem to need a little more somehow.  Maybe some reveal about your redhead, and why she gets to be so bossy with the others.

At any rate, for a short piece with heavy atmosphere, you succeeded well, but the narrative itself seems one saltine short of a full pack   It needs a little something more to set it apart.

Bert,

Thx for the read and comments. Your last line there made me laugh, but I completely agree with the story being light. This was a bit of a spur of the moment thing. Maybe a subconscious exercise in tone.

The photo was a bit forced actually. I went back and put it in as I felt the thing on a whole was light and too cryptic. And was playing with the idea with a whole prologue thing with Paul's character before he ends up at the motel. Good call on that.

I hear ya with the pill bottle as well. I think I added little details like this to beef up the absence of a defined story. Wasn't entirely sure where this was going as i was writing. Things to consider.

Your comments are appreciated and spot on. I'll Keep all of this in mind when I go back and try to make this work a bit better/beef it up.

Thx again.