The Most Wonderful Time of The Year by M. Malling (DS) - Short, Drama - Struggling with motor neuron disease in it's early stages, a man must decide whether he wants her estranged daughter to know of his condition over a Christmas re-union. 15 pages - pdf, format

Thanks for putting it up:

This is the first script I've written. My main intention with it was to see if I'm able to write multi-dimensional characters. I also decided to keep the script devoid of character descriptions in order to see how others would perceive my characters simply through their actions and dialogue.

All feedback is much appreciated and I'll gladly read and give my thoughts on another script in return, if requested.

- DS

Beginners mistakes:

Code INT. DR. SNOW'S OFFICE - DAY A well-lit office. PICTURES of human anatomy can be seen on the walls. A CALENDAR hangs next to the door. DR. SNOW (40) sits behind his desk, wearing a white coat. He's editing patient records on a computer during the session.

Becomes...

Code INT. DR. SNOW'S OFFICE - DAY Pictures of human anatomy adorn the walls. DR. SNOW (40) sits at his desk, editing patient records on a computer.

And

Code Opposite the desk, sits RIC (58). A CANE rests on his chair. Ric's out of contrast with the office. Pants and shirt in shades of black, doesn't look like he's shaven for days. He holds a firm grip to the handle of the chair with his right hand, as if something drastic was to happen if he let go.

Becomes

Code Opposite, RIC (58), all in black, long in need of a shave and a cane resting against his chair, grips the armrest, as though something drastic is about to happen.

I had a quick look at the first couple of pages. There's a few things in there that could be considered bad habits or amateurish mistakes.

Firstly, stuff like capitalising specific words (PICTURES, CALENDAR) aren't really necessary, unless it's something really important that we 'need' to pay attention to. It may not be a huge problem to some, but for me I find it a little distracting.

I mean, why make a mention of the calendar unless there's something on it we need to know? Maybe if there's a specific date or something of importance we should be aware of, try writing the calendar part on its own line, show us dates crossed off, perhaps with a circle around a future/todays date so we know something is coming.

You also use a lot of wrylies/parentheticals in your dialogue. To me, wrylies are almost always a complete waste of space, with few exceptions. Your dialogue should be able to portray a way a character speaks. The way you have it comes across as if you are trying to direct the actors yourself, which wouldn't be a problem if you were making this. But if you aren't, let the directors and actors worry about that stuff. Here's an example of one so you can see what I'm saying... (doubting himself, an ounce of fear).

IMO you use the wrylies wrong as well. When used, they should be on there own separate line, which you do some of the time, but at others you have them mixed in with and on the same line as dialogue.

You said you didn't use character descriptions to see how people would perceive your characters. The second paragraph seems to be one long description. It also takes five lines, when really you want to avoid going over four lines for any paragraph. Personally, I try to avoid going over three lines. It makes it a cleaner, easier read.

My last little point would be about the logline. I feel it would read better if you said ''struggling with the early stages of motor neuron disease'' instead of the way you have it now. It could just be me, but the way you've written it doesn't quite come across right.

I realise I haven't got into the meat of the story, but when you have these little niggles it can really distract a reader such as myself. If you clean it up, someone like me would find it a lot easier to delve further into the world you're creating.

You seem like a pretty switched on kid, certainly more so then I was when I was your age, so I feel you'll be able to take this criticism and become stronger as a result. You've definitely got plenty of time to improve, and you're in a great place to learn from more experienced writing heads, especially as you seem keen to get involved.

Good luck to you.

Notes to self:

Capitalisation. This is what I noticed myself. After reading a fair amount of scripts and different opinions on what to capitalise I got confused leading to little continuity in what I've capitalised. For some reason I never did get around to fixing it here. In future work I'll stick to simply capitalising the first mention of a character (and potentially sound effects).

Wrylies. I seem to have completely overlooked the amount I've used until Arty brought attention to it. Especially (beat). So many I've used are superflouous. It looks quite horrible, actually. When it comes to the formatting of wrylies, based on some scripts I've read I thought they also work mid-dialogue. Looks like I came to a wrong conclusion, it does make sense. In the future I will use them sparingly and always formatted as a parenthetical. Thank you, golden advice.

Length of action lines. Dustin: You managed to craft my long action lines to short action lines very well. Props. Being as concise as possible is something I need to focus on for my action lines in future scripts.

@ArtyDoubleYou: When I mentioned trying to avoid character descriptions, what I had in mind was being devoid of mentioning their demeanor/general behaviour.

And as far as the calendar goes, it is used at the end of Scene 1 to establish the date and to start a certain timeline. I thought it would fit here much better than a superimpose. Same goes for the clothes and beard which you mentioned as a character description line. Both of them are referenced later on in the script and their purpose is to tell the reader about how Ric's character is coping with the disease.


I've already gained some invaluable information for the future. Thanks.

- DS

EDIT: I've quickly went over the script and removed the capitalisation errors and overused parentheticals. Should make for a smoother read.

- DS

The other comments give some good suggestions on eliminating the wrylies and streamlining descriptions.

My one suggestion with your action lines is you include alot of things that cant be shown for example.

Quoted Text Ric takes two glasses out. As he reaches for a third, his hand stiffens and the glass drops to the ground. He forgot this could happen.

Its impossible to show that he forgot this could happen, things like this can easily creep into your writing and take the reader out of the story, you have these scattered throughout. Just remember with a screenplay everything is visual if you cant show it then don't include it.

Also never use We See in the beginning of describing a scene, this was something I used to do alot when I started out writing but is incorrect. Simply go right into describing the scene, we see is not ever needed. Same with the "Off that we" you use before CUT TOs, those are not needed either.

Now onto the story.

I enjoy your premise, I have friends and family members dealing with the similar diseases to whatever Ric is dealing with so I was instantly interested in where the story was going and if he would tell his daughter.

I like your repeated use of him clenching his fist through out as a reminder of his self consciousness and paranoia that his disease could over take him at anytime.

I did enjoy the twist at the end that the reason the daughter came was to tell him that she was dying.

Now for a few suggestions.

The exchanges between Ric and his daughter felt flat to me, I didnt get much out of the exchanges,  No real reason for why they haven't seen each other in years and overall Ric just came across as a jerk in these scenes which began to lessen my sympathy for him. I would work to make the exchanges with his Daughter and her boyfriend more interesting, Use this to give us more insight into the type of people all of these characters are.

I am not sure why you included Phil noticing Ric's moments of weakness but nothing ever came of it. I thought it was building towards a confrontation between the two of them.

Overall I think you have a good story here, tighten it up in a few areas and this is a very filmmable script.

I just had another quick look through the dialogue to see what you'd done with the wrylies. Unless for some reason I'm not seeing a totally updated version, you still have a lot of them in there. In fact, I think I counted about 17 lines that you could cut out by removing them, and from what I could tell, not a single one is needed. 17 lines is basically half a page you could cut straight out and that's a big deal.

You also have a couple that would be better as action lines so it might not be 17 lines saved altogether, but this one for example...  (takes a look at his hands, not what they used to be)... is in the wrong place.

You also have one that says (interrupts) on P10. The way I learned for someone interrupting is the double dash --. You cut off the character speaking with --, then start the next character speaking with -- as well. So it would come out like this instead...
PHIL
So you disapproved of my career
prospects, when you wer--
RIC
--It's an honest job.
That's the way I do it anyway. Not sure if everyone would feel the same, or if they have another way to do it, but it still saves a line.

I know I'm banging on about wrylies, but that's one of my own personal pet peeves. Stick around here long enough and you'll find plenty of others who have their own little niggles that they will bring up too.

Thanks for the read, YaTopher.

First of all, I'm sorry to hear that you have friends and family suffering from similar illnesses. I wish them all the best.

As for the action lines: Rookie mistakes. If I can think of an explanation of "He forgot this could happen" something along the lines of "Reminded of his weaknesses, a sudden angst catches Ric" in my head, then that's what I should be writing there!

As for the We see/Off that we: They're something I recall reading in multiple professional scripts that have been filmed. I quite liked the usage of them. Advice noted.

Now to your comments about the story:

My main purpose with the script was to catch an atmosphere of family awkwardness. They just don't get along. I'm also glad to hear that you didn't symphatise with Ric during the exchanges, my intention was to portray him as an asshole. But of course, there's more to him than that.

As for the backstory: The reason why they haven't seen each other for three years is in the script. The divorce of her parents.

Page 5: Janice is mentioned to be Glacy's mother.

Page 9: Phil mentions Janice looking for an apartment 3 years ago. The dialogue hints that both Ric/Phil are aware of why, even though they've never met.

I've always been a fan of writing work that doesn't flat out tell you everything, but leaves you something to figure out yourself. It can be obvious or a little less obvious, but you have to pay attention to spot it. That's something I want to incorporate into my work.

The backstory: You make a very good point, there's not enough of it. I should have incorporated a line somewhere how Ric and Glacy simply have never gotten along, at the very least.

As for Phil noticing the hidden cane and Ric's odd moments: There's a scene on page 12 where Glacy is saying her father hasn't changed and never will. In that scene Phil appears to want to say something, but stops. That's where he's planning on bringing up what he's seen. I do think that I haven't made that part clear enough for anyone to understand, though. A confrontation between the two of them in a quiet corner of the house somewhere is a good idea. I could see that scene happening.

@ArtyDoubleYou: 17? You must not be getting the updated version. I have 9 in there, but I imagine at least half of those should come off as necessary. I've changed two wrylies that shouldn't be wrylies to action lines just now. And also two beats that I seemed to miss going over the script in a hurry earlier, but 17 still sounds too much.  

Using -- for interruptions is something that I'll definitely get around to using, thanks for bringing it to my knowledge!

- DS

Marko

To your credit the prose is pretty solid, good grammar, descriptive and visual. However, it runs a little long at times and could do with some editing. Take the opening two blocks of action lines for example:

“A well-lit office. Pictures of human anatomy can be seen on
the walls. A calendar hangs next to the door. DR. SNOW (40)
sits behind his desk, wearing a white coat. He's editing
patient records on a computer during the session.

Opposite the desk, sits RIC (5 A cane rests on his chair.
Ric's out of contrast with the office. Pants and shirt in
shades of black, doesn't look like he's shaven for days. He
holds a firm grip to the handle of the chair with his right
hand, as if something drastic was to happen if he let go.”

- This could be rewritten as:

“A well-lit office. Human anatomy pictures on the walls,
a calendar next to the door. DR. SNOW (40) white coat,
sits behind his desk. He edits patient records on a computer.

Opposite the desk, sits RIC (5 A cane rests on his
chair. He’s out of contrast with the office, black pants
and shirt, unshaven. His right hand tensely grips the armrest."

Not perfect I know (ignore the emoticons with sunglasses, its automatic) but you’ll see that all of the information is retained just in a more fluid way. A good example of extraneous detail in your prose is “during the session” since we’re introduced to Ric in the next line. Plus, once they start talking we can deduce that it’s mid-session.

I really feel for Ric in the opening pages which is a credit to your writing and the situation you have created. I guess it’s easy to have us sympathise with someone with a debilitating disease like that, it’s everyone’s worst case scenario. I like how you portray him as this proud man who will put off telling his daughter for as long as possible, you can feel the tension at it gets closer to the day of reckoning when his she’s due to call. Just the simple scenes of monitoring Ric as he goes about his everyday routine, living with his affliction are effective in establishing his hampered existence. It’s heart breaking stuff, well drawn.

“ Ric explores Phil”

- Stuck out as odd phrasing. How about:

“Ric assesses Phil” or “sizes up” or “scrutinizes” or “studies” or “examines”. You get the idea.

RIC
And you're
bringing that guy.

- I know there is a lot of pride in Ric, he’s very self conscious of his condition and as you point out, has taken an immediate disliking to Phil (although that seems to say more about Ric than Phil who seems ok but even so, this is a very rude thing to say. Having gotten to know Ric in the previous few pages it doesn’t seem like something he would say. Maybe I’m reading him all wrong but would he be so confrontational like that, so belligerent? I figured it would be more in line his character to keep his dislike to himself, not make a scene, perhaps only say it to Glacy in private . I guess his bitterness of being ill is manifesting itself externally. Also, you know your characters better than anyone.

“champaigne”

- Should be “champagne”

GLACY
That's not what he meant.

- Then “What did he mean?” should be Ric’s next question as Phil’s language did suggest a certain degree of condescension towards Ric, or overt protectiveness of Glacy. Like he had to be there to help her get through the visit. Maybe I was wrong about Phil being this nice guy...

RIC
Yeah. So why did you two decide to
spend Christmas here?

GLACY
Leave it. Let's talk about
something else.

- Again, this seems like a perfectly reasonable question to ask on Ric’s part and Glacy reacts the way she does. I’m thinking there is more going on here that has yet to be revealed…

PHIL
You know, three years ago.

- I was wondering how long they had been going out since Phil referred to Glacy as his family a few lines previous. The fact that Ric doesn’t know his daughter’s partner of three years suggests that there is a rift between them and would explain some of my earlier notes on their testy relationship.

RIC
Right. Good for her. I hope you
ripped her off with the price, Phil.

- Made me smile, nice dose of spitefulness!

PHIL
The top of the ladder. As with any
job. Do enlighten me, what exactly
bothers you about it?

- Good, seems Phil has some fangs of his own and is not afraid to bear them. Good dynamic here between father and son in law, simmering tension.

RIC
I'm not setting foot in a church.
Even if god's out there. I don't
like him.

- I’m liking this guy more and more!

“Phil takes a deep glance at the TV.”

- “Deep” and “glance” are contradictory. Maybe change “glance” to “stare”

GLACY
Yeah. I'll show you around the city
until our bus leaves. He hasn't
changed and he never will.
What a waste of Christmas.

- Maybe I’m going too easy on Ric because I know of his ailment but it does feel like Glacy is being a bit harsh on him. Of course, I don’t know the history between father and daughter here so I can only go off the dinner scenes.

“Ric hugs Glacy. The hug comes off as awkward. Lacking
empathy.”

- Thought the hug would be a genuine one given the situation and how close he was to telling her the truth. Maybe the hug could start awkward as they are estranged but it transforms into something more meaningful considering the context.

I was waiting for a twist of some kind with Glacy and it turns out she is at death’s door too which makes me re-evaluate her attitude during her and Phil’s visit. By the way, I would omit the word “forever” though since she only has a few months to live.

Going back to the hug that Ric and Glacy exchange at the door, as it’s possibly (if you were to pinpoint) the most vital passage in the script, I’m wondering could you do more with this final goodbye?

I like how you bring Ric to the edge of coming clean about his health before he balks but I would like to see more reaction from Glacy given the fact that she is dying too. In regards the hug, I think it should start as something awkward and cold before morphing into something a little more meaningful. I know you are dealing with this idea of stubbornness and refusal of people to be honest and real with each other. In this case, two people who should be inherently very close.

I’m not asking you to change the mood of the script and have a big happy reconciliation at the end, I like the melancholic, unspoken pain of it all and I think you can maintain this while having a more emotional peak in that penultimate scene. By having both reciprocate the hug (to an extent) both realise how significant it is, it may be their last but it’s never explicitly said. The dialogue can stay pretty much as you’ve written it but I think something should be felt between them, a fleeting connection or understanding of some sort in that moment of embrace. Which, in a way, makes all the more tragic that they can’t actually verbalise it to one another up front…but looking back at least this hug will be something they shared, for that split second.

Overall, it’s an interesting piece you have here, quite sad and moving in parts but you tell it with restraint and care. Also, you could lose at least a page or two by streamlining the prose, something that will come to you in time by reading scripts and applying what you learn.

Col.  

Ah Colkurtz8, impeckable timing for the read as you seemed to have read it right before I updated dropbox with a new draft. Thanks for the read and I'll get back to your feedback later.

I trimmed all of the action lines and I think I managed to save a page.

I added and edited just a few lines of dialogue to reference Phil noticing that there may be something wrong with Ric and Glacy making a nod to their history.

After doing that, I'm quite pleased with the script now!

A very strong showing, especially for your first effort, Marko.  Great job on this one.

I know you already got the heads up on the formatting and a couple other issues as well, but what nobody had brought up was that this was a well thought out story.  You didn't just sit down and put something on paper just to post it and have something on the boards.  You did some great brainstorming for it and it shows in the story as a whole.

I really like how you're not scared to leave Ric alone with himself.  A lot of writers, old and new, don't like doing that or are uncomfortable with it because they think that in order for a scene to have fluidity and action, they need interaction between their characters.  You've certainly proved that wrong by showing Ric's pains worsen and upped the level of sympathy we have for him.  Then, we see that he's kind of an asshole and we're not too sure what to think.  We just want him to tell Glacy what's wrong with him and it'll all be better.  Great story-building, there.

There are a couple things here and there that take away from it, though.  It's mainly Glacy's dialogue that's very weak.  Read the script over again and pretend you're reading it in the head of the actress who's going to play Glacy.  Some of her dialogue falls flat and you're not giving her much to do.

While she has a great twist at the end which of course makes her character vital, Ric and Phil have the meat of the powerful lines.  Glacy is often resolved to quietness in what dialogues she does have, like you can't think of anything more for her to say and she just goes quiet when things get serious and you go back to the male-to-male conversation.  Glacy can have a lot to say to Ric, including her past with Ric, that is just rife with drama and uncomfortable dialogues from both of them.  (Those are your two main characters, Ric and Glacy.  The way the dialogue is written now, it seems Ric and Phil are the two main characters.)

Reading some of the other comments now, I agree with Colkurtz that making the hug between Ric and Glacy a very slow, tight, and sentimental one without them ever telling each other what was wrong, would definitely heighten the climax of the story and certainly have a greater impact on the viewer when we find out the truth about Glacy.

Speaking of, I was going to mention how I didn't really care for the character of Phil.  He was rather clumsy and somewhat selfish talking more about his family.  But after learning the truth about Glacy, I realized how much respect I had for Phil and the situation he was in.  Whether you know it or not, you did a great job on his character arc without changing the way he acts at all.  You changed his whole characterization and how the audience will view him if they decide to give this a second read.  He went from a somewhat bumbling regular joe to a hero and I'm not sure all of your audience will catch that or not.

Besides those issues, this was a great first story that, like I said, you didn't just draw up and post.  You took your time and cared about the story.  I look forward to seeing other things from you, Marko.

- Mark

@Col: And I didn't really get back to your feedback. My bad.

The issue with cluttered action lines was improved in the second draft.

Some excellent observations with the odd phrasing and the champagne typo.

You read the theme I was trying to set with the script out well, which means I must have done something right. Your suggestion that the hug could be improved to really be the climax of the story is a good one. I'm not 100% sure I'd see it working better that way, but it is a good suggestion.

@rc: First of all, thanks for the read and I'm glad you found it to be a strong showing.

Now that I think of it, I don't actually recall many scenes where a character is left alone on movies/TV for a period of time. They might just be quite the rarity. Never really thought of that. I found it very interesting to write that part of the script and I'm glad to see it paid off.

Glacy's dialogue falling flat is quite possible. However I did have a thought while writing that it would go against character and the theme of the story I tried to capture if they started dissecting their difficult history or just talked too much. The two of them didn't really want to be there. That whole awkwardness of the exchanges sticking to those courtesies you can't really avoid at family reunions and things they're just interested in or find necessary to know (The TV scene with Glacy/Ric for example, where he would use that knowledge to make up his mind about telling her) was the point.

Good catch with Phil. The point was that once you get to the last pages and get to the twist the reader should be reevaluating what happens earlier in the script and that some dialogue and actions would begin to make a lot more sense.

- DS

Marko,

I still think you can cut multiple pages from this. Unless shaving and knives and forks has something to do with advancing the story,  lose it.  I found myself wandering during the long dialog. Get rid of the repetitive greetings and how are you questions.

Your writing is professional and well proofed. Just not my cup of tea.

Gl with the script,

Tony

Hi Tony:

I don't quite agree with the points you brought out. The shaving and the part with knives and forks are in my opinion both quite integral to the script.

Ric being unshaven for days alongside with other things brought out is supposed to tell the reader how he's currently living and coping with his illness. The part where he actually shaves is meant to show how such a disease can make you doubt whether you'll even manage to perform such an ordinary task.

The part with knives and forks is once again a reference to the ramifications of his disease and a plot-point for Phil's suspicions.

The repetitive greetings and how are you's are there to set a certain awkward family get-together mood to the script which I was trying to capture.

Quoted from "TonyDinosio" Your writing is professional and well proofed. Just not my cup of tea.

Cheers. Despite this not being your cup of tea, I appreciate the read and reply nonetheless.

- DS

I see your point about the shaving now but while reading the script for the first time it is neither here nor there and hurt the read for me. I suggest having him about to shave then toss the shaver, cry instead or something.  Have him struggle as he tries to perform the task.
My opinion anyway

Tony