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I was born in a back to back terrace in Armley, Leeds... compulsory purchased so council could build a new swimming baths... next 12 years in council house...
So I know the setting and feel you bring it out really well
I do believe they give medals for less.
It's heartening and encouraging to know you're very familiar with the type of places I'm trying to commit to paper, albeit electronic, and you think I brought it out well.
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading the responses from Americans, particularly those attempting to correct. 'Soft lad' is a saying from up north (Liverpool, Leeds, Newcastle way) and applies to people that are easily offended, or soft in any way whatsoever.
I'm sure it's not just Americans who think such things. But it did amuse me too. To be fair though, there's no way they could know unless they were familiar. Ah, the Brits. How they laugh when foreigners mispronounce or misundertand things only the locals know.
That's why they say Magdalene college at Oxford in the ridiculous way they do.
And have three different sounds for bough, rough and though.
Oops. I'm rambling.
Quoted from DustinBowcot
Anyway, I read this yesterday. At times, I found the descriptions in the action lines a little too abrupt, in danger of losing the voice, which is a shame, because you have a strong one. As stated by someone earlier, it's the asides (your voice) that keeps me in. So, even with the staccato flow, you do enough to keep me reading, I just feel your writing would benefit better from putting more in. I know you don't want to direct the actors, but fluck 'em, it's your story, they do what they're told. As writers we do all of those jobs while we write... we may not exactly produce the physical film, but we do an imagined one. We set the scenes and direct everything from lighting to where the actors should be standing... if we feel like it. Or we can do none of those, as you've elected. As a reader though, I'd rather hear more of the voice coming through.
There's some good points here. It was quite a bit longer. But I trimmed it down to what was actually needed. I always do. Then I put a bit back in because I've gone too far. I leave it for a while and piddle about more. Then I stick it up here.
Lots of compliments in there. And fair ideas. The last one struck as high praise. Particularly coming from yourself. Most appreciated. I'll try and bear it in mind the next time you write something in a post I disagree with...
Quoted from DustinBowcot
You want people to think about what you've written for a while afterwards, and it works. I'm still thinking about it now.
I do want to make them think about it afterwards.
It's great to know you did so. For quite some time too. Thank was the point of the story really. Make these two seem real enough for you to wonder about why they are the way thhe are and what they actually mean with what they say.
Quoted from DustinBowcot
For me, the story is partly about the difficulty people of different age ranges have in communicating. It reminds me of my gf's granddad. I'd like to be able to talk to him more, but whenever I try I feel that the age gap is just too large and we barely understand each other. I'm sure he feels the same.
That's the very idea. You're speaking the same language, yet have no idea how to have a proper conversation with each other.
Quoted from DustinBowcot
Then there's the whole cheese sandwich and drink thing. Each character has their own story and angle that is often so subtly divulged that it takes reading two or three times to pick up on it. Clever. Quite arty. Almost like a painting... the longer you look, the more you see. Nice work, well done.
Thanks very much. I'm flattered, and extremely pleased you thought so.
The deadline has passed, at last. I can get on with something else. Like this, for instance...
Quoted from Deadite
I liked it. Had some style. I wasn't really into the characters, but I liked the descriptions/actions.
Thank you, Deadite. Wherever you may be. It appears you've left us. It said Steve yesterday instead of your name. Now it just says 'Guest' so I assume you're gone, for the foreseeable at least. I for one will miss you. Come back soon.
Quoted from ColKurtz
(regarding the usage of 'smoke pumps')- Ignore those people. Seriously though, that's a prime example of pedantry getting in the way of emotion/feeling/sensation. A "not being able to see the wood from the trees" scenario. It suits perfectly, especially in relation to the machine.
Precisely my own feelings, eloquently put.
Quoted from ColKurtz
Yeah, on hindsight this was a bogus comment from me since its set in 91. Ignore this too
Consider it done. It's always impressive when someone agrees they weren't right about something. Strengthens their other comments. Something I must practice more myself. I mean admitting I'm wrong. When I am, not now.
Anyways, if anyone isn't reading and commenting on those OWC thingies, feel free to have a read of this for a return read of your choice. I'm working on a follow up, so insights into these two would be most welcome.
My thanks to those who have read this and commented. And also to those who just read it.
Great to see this as 'Short Script Of The Day', even if it is randomly generated.
I commented on The Sandwich when it was first posted way back, seem to remember Pia did as well and compared it to one of her award winning favourite writers (who shall remain nameless here - rest assured it was a huge compliment) and I'm in agreement.
You manage to evoke some terrific images with this and conjure the time, place, characters, superbly.
Pity 'short' seekers are often looking for that twist or cheap hook. I think this would showcase an up and comer's reel perfectly, and I would love to see this come alive on screen.
Here's hoping some talented filmmaker takes up the challenge.
Well, that has taken the wind out of my trousers, I mean sails. Honestly.
Obviously I think awards are meaningless and aren't important at all. Every film is equal. Unless I win an award, of course. Then I'll think they are absolutely vital.
I commented on The Sandwich when it was first posted way back, seem to remember Pia did as well and compared it to one of her award winning favourite writers (who shall remain nameless here - rest assured it was a huge compliment) and I'm in agreement.
This is great. Keep going. You bring the biscuits and I'll warm the pot. Erm, that's not a euphemism. At least I don't think so.
You manage to evoke some terrific images with this and conjure the time, place, characters, superbly.
Oh yes. Now you're talking. Seriously, it is one of my better efforts. Dredged from the memories of all those bloody days I spent on building sites. I was working there, I wasn't stealing things. Honest.
Pity 'short' seekers are often looking for that twist or cheap hook. I think this would showcase an up and comer's reel perfectly, and I would love to see this come alive on screen.
Hear, hear. Now if only some talented bugger reads this and that bit I almost repeated on my To Be script.