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No More Tomorrows (original draft) by Mark Renshaw - Short, Drama, Fantasy - A young woman must learn to live for today if she is to have any chance of saving her family and surviving to see another tomorrow. 15 pages - pdf, format
No More Tomorrows (shooting script) by Mark Renshaw - Short, Drama, Fantasy - A self centered young woman on a family road trip encounters two strangers who are far more dangerous than they appear. As fate intervenes, she has to find the courage to learn to live for today if her family have any chance to see another tomorrow. 17 pages - pdf, format
A self centered young woman on a family road trip encounters two strangers who are far more dangerous than they appear. As fate intervenes, she has to find the courage to learn to live for today if her family have any chance to see another tomorrow.
" But no, too obvious the rest of the angles said. "
angels*
P9: No more expectations the world can�t possible live up to.
possibly*
P11: MELVIN (impressed) Woo-ee! Look at the milk shake on you baby girl!
I can't tell if this is an aside or something that every character should hear. Either way, I don't see it working. If it's the latter it's hard to believe he'd say something like this in front of the entire family. If it's an aside it leaves a negative effect on the script, as 99% of asides do in my opinion.
P12: ISABELLA (to herself) What the fuck is this?
I think it would have a better effect if Isabella just put on a "what the fuck" face. As I said earlier I just have a thing for asides. Don't think they look good on the paper or on the screen.
ISABELLA Put him down you son of a fuck face! Carla struggles to hold Melvin up as a shield with one arm as she tries to find his gun with the other. MELVIN Holy shit, I think my nuts have exploded! Isabella draws closer, tries to get a clean shot at Carla. ISABELLA Melvin! Melvin tell me what the fuck to do? He spews up. MELVIN My fucking nuts have exploded, oh man!
This scene is far too OTT for me and I think it ruins the characters you've created. Isabella goes from a legitimately scary confident and seductive psycho to an angry and clueless one who has to ask Melvin what to do.
Melvin's dialogue here also seems to go against the character you've created and reads too comically. The spewing also seems unneccessary and just there for shock effect.
P14: I think it would work better without Abigail's line. Just have them all drive on into the night in aghast. The ending just leaves me mixed.
You clearly write well. Especially the characters. What you did with Carla in the first few pages of the script was seriously impressive. You created an annoying 21st century teenager who can be almost as horrific as the two psychos in the script, incorporating all of the modern nonsense going on into it, while making the character not a put-off but interesting.
Melvin and Isabelle were also both interesting and worked as psychos. Isabelle's character was ruined for me in her final scene (pointed it out above), but good job still.
I really liked the first half of the script, once it got hectic it dropped a little for me, but that is down to me, not you. It's an interesting short with a good message behind all the action.
P11: MELVIN (impressed) Woo-ee! Look at the milk shake on you baby girl!
I can't tell if this is an aside or something that every character should hear. Either way, I don't see it working. If it's the latter it's hard to believe he'd say something like this in front of the entire family. If it's an aside it leaves a negative effect on the script, as 99% of asides do in my opinion.
Melvin is genuinely surprised by Carla's antics and they are away from the car at this point with the family inside. It's not intended to be aside, simply him responding to something unusual. I think it would be unusual, unnatural if he did nothing or just whistled. He is a lunatic who believes in living in the here and now and doing whatever he feels like it after all
I think it would have a better effect if Isabella just put on a "what the fuck" face. As I said earlier I just have a thing for asides. Don't think they look good on the paper or on the screen.
Point taken. She doesn't need to say anything here, a confused face would be enough. I wanted to give here some more lines as she doesn't have many but maybe less is more?
This scene is far too OTT for me and I think it ruins the characters you've created. Isabella goes from a legitimately scary confident and seductive psycho to an angry and clueless one who has to ask Melvin what to do.
Melvin's dialogue here also seems to go against the character you've created and reads too comically. The spewing also seems unneccessary and just there for shock effect.
Indeed, I'm aiming for a drastic change in Carla's attitude to life and her taking extreme action on instinct to save her family and her life. I did aim for a kind of Tarantino 'Dusk till Dawn' type tone change here. Maybe it's too much but I do like that type of stuff when I see it on screen. No doubt I'm influenced by it when I visualise what I've written.
I imagined Isabella as a hot, psycopathic version of Yolanda 'Honey Bunny' from Pulp Fiction in that she can be normal, friendly one moment, a deadly psycho the next and yet completely vulnerable when things go wrong. She does indeed need Melvin, they have a 'special' relationship so when things go wrong she looks to him for guidance like a lost child.
With the spewing I just wanted to emphasise how badly Calvin has been hurt. Too often in movies guys take such blows and recover seconds later; anyone who has been kicked properly in the nuts know how bad it can be and I just wanted to get that across. The audience have to believe he's incapacitated so that Carla can handle him the way she does.
P14: I think it would work better without Abigail's line. Just have them all drive on into the night in aghast. The ending just leaves me mixed
I struggled with the end. I didn't want a twist as the twist is kind of the norm now for shorts but I didn't want them to just drive off. I thought the final line from the kid would make people laugh in a way and be unexpected; again I think I'm influenced by Tarantino here but I'm up for any suggestions from anyone.
Many thanks for the read and the rest of your comments, I really appreciate what you've said.
Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
- Shit, I’ve never taken such an instant dislike to a character as much as this bit?h. Which I imagine is your intention. Good characterisation.
CARLA Over a thousand. And my Amazon Wish List, there’s nothin’ on there cheaper than 100 bucks, yet my fans buy me stuff like all the time.
- Really? It’s one thing to be some hot tramp posting photos on your twitter account and having followers jerking off to them but to actually have them buying stuff for her? Does this happen to nobodys?
CARLA Oh I wish. If there was a genie in a bottle right here, right now I’d give it such a hand job for just one wish.
- Ha.
CARLA The power of ‘If Only’.
- Wow, I’m almost impressed by the cleverness, if totally self serving nature, of her wish.
CARLA So what’s your story? What are you two doing out here in the middle of fun central?
- I was just going to ask this. And given that Melvin and Isabella will probably play a big part in the story it might not do any harm to give them a bit of an introduction. It’s a pretty abrupt cut back on page 1 from the family driving along to these two strangers with one looking under the hood of their car and the other playing with the kids. Maybe that quick edit is significant, plays a part in the story. Reading on...
CARLA (sarcastically) Oh, yeah, I forgot about that!
- Ok, if I were her, I’d be getting scared at this point. I suppose being so narcissistic plays into her ignorance, clouds her assessment of the potential danger of the situation.
CARLA (furious) Oh yeah? Why didn’t you leave dad in peace huh? Maybe then he wouldn’t have drunk himself to death yeah?
- Wow, what a cu?t. If there is some deranged lunatic murdering to be done here, I hope she’s the first to get it
MELVIN Let it all out hun. Getting stuff off your ample, beautiful chest is the first step towards healin’.
- Highly inappropriate thing to say but he’s crazed so it comes with the mindset, right? I am wondering why Anna isn’t reacting to it though. Is she out of ear shot? If so, she should still be keeping an eye on her daughter, casting the odd cursory glance or whatever. She seems totally ignorant to all this, very removed from the scene.
“Anna smiles and nods. Isabella takes her by the hand and leads her into the field.”
- Ok by now, alarm bells should be ringing loud and clear. If not Carla surely Anna, she’s not as conceited and self absorbed as her daughter, yet she willingly follows Isabella…or maybe you are setting us up to assume the worst before pulling the rug…
“She stares into the field, then back to Melvin; realization finally setting in.”
- “Finally setting in” is an understatement alright. To quote Stewie Griffin, “Finally, the last horse crosses the finish line.” Man, this bit?h is slow on the uptake. Again, I’m thinking this is intentional on your part.
CARLA It is you two! Oh my god. (Shouting) Mom? Jacob? Abigail?
- Whatever about her being vain and rude and all that, when a character is this dumb it’s very hard to give a toss about whatever may happen to them. I don’t need a protagonist to be likeable, they can still be engaging without that quality but stupidity is a difficult attribute to abide, in my opinion.
“are always yearn for it,”
- Should have “ing” at the end of “yearn”
MELVIN And that’s why they locked us up.
- I know it’s the south but do they put people in mental institutions for incest?
MELVIN Tell me, do you appreciate life now? Are you finally, for the first time in your life aware of what’s going on right here, right now?
- And herein lays the message of the piece I take it you are attempting to convey. I’m thinking now is this some elaborate, and rather extreme, set-up by Anna to make her teenage daughter see the true value of life, Carpe Diem, live in the moment, etc? Reading on…
“She is confused. Was it a dream?”
- This dream twist is as old as writing itself, it’s beyond cliché unless your David Lynch and you make something like Mulholland Dr. I suppose it explains the abrupt cut to Melvin and Isabella and their broken down car I talked about earlier but I hope there is more going on here.
“Carla clocks Melvin staring at them as they drive by.”
- Interesting development here, lets see where you take it… “She exits the vehicle.”
- Just a habit I practice but I always specify the character when starting a new scene. I know Carla last spoke in the previous scene but this “she” could mean Anna or Carla upon first read.
“Carla struggles to hold Melvin up as a shield with one arm as she tries to find his gun with the other.”
- During this whole scene we don’t get any indication of Carla’s family in the car, their expressions, reactions, etc. Surely Anna would’ve made her presence felt by now by calling out or exiting the car or something as there is a frickin’ Mexican standoff going on outside her car featuring her eldest!
“Carla drops Melvin to the ground. She casually fires a shot into his kneecap which EXPLODES. Melvin SCREAMS.”
- Holy sh?t she has just gone from annoying teenager to an a?s kicking Nikita wannabe. What a character arc!
ANNA I’m sorry. I saw the report on Facebook this mornin’, that’s all. We’ll get to the next town soon and let the cops know.
- I’m presuming this should be Carla’s dialogue not Anna’s
I’m struggling to remember a script that, to quote Carla “flipped on a dime” so drastically. It practically turned into a blood and guts, all action graphic novel in the final scenes with Carla becoming a cold blooded killer of assassin-like proportions. It’s quite a turn which I imagine will put off some on the basis of plausibility and realism, etc. I’m still on the fence, I’m not sure. I did say after the dream sequence is revealed that I hoped there was more to this and to your credit you didn’t let me down in that regard, I certainly didn’t see what was coming.
In terms of it working as a script I’m unsure. The acute prophetic nature of her dream is questionable and gives the piece a definite fantastical edge. Not to mention her sudden proficiency with a gun, her cold dispatching of Melvin and Isabella. I mean, its action movie stuff. So I’m wondering is she actually an angel in the most (initially) unflattering form possible? Does any of it really happen? Is this another dream, a wishful fantasy?
Even the reactions of the family at the end, the apparent acceptance of Anna, the admiration of Abigail as opposed to severe post traumatic stress hints that we may still be Carla’s dream. Or, maybe the first encounter did happen, she was killed by Melvin and in the final synaptic firing of her brain before death she conjures up this alternative version complete with happy ending?
I was going to criticise the “theme” of “seizing the day” as being too on-the-nose and unoriginal but since it does take place within Carla’s dream (if it is in fact a dream) and it’s her own sub-conscious giving her a lesson in appreciating the important things as well as warning her of what’s ahead, it works better. Although, I must admit, Melvin is quite chilling, his odd calmness and outwardly benign nature is unsettling. You just know something is up with him before he admits to being an escaped loony. His final words and unfazed shooting of Carla is effective also.
Overall, I have mixed feelings about this. I can see why it might jar for some with the sudden shift in the final quarter, it does push your suspension of disbelief to the limit. However, I do appreciate the boldness and audacity and its shows you’re, at least, trying to up the dramatic stakes.
- Ok by now, alarm bells should be ringing loud and clear. If not Carla surely Anna, she’s not as conceited and self absorbed as her daughter, yet she willingly follows Isabella…or maybe you are setting us up to assume the worst before pulling the rug…
“She stares into the field, then back to Melvin; realization finally setting in.”
- “Finally setting in” is an understatement alright. To quote Stewie Griffin, “Finally, the last horse crosses the finish line.” Man, this bit?h is slow on the uptake. Again, I’m thinking this is intentional on your part.
Should Carla become aware or suspicious earlier? A great question. Never underestimate the power of disbelief combined with the ego of self. Carla is so wrapped up in her own universe she fails to see what is happening right in front of her nose until it's obvious and too late.
Anna does start to suspect but she's a simple woman with a good heart and she wants to see the best in everyone.
So yes, my intention is for Carla not to realise her family are being murdered right under her nose, I think it adds real tension. But do I do enough to make it believable to the audience?
- During this whole scene we don’t get any indication of Carla’s family in the car, their expressions, reactions, etc. Surely Anna would’ve made her presence felt by now by calling out or exiting the car or something as there is a frickin’ Mexican standoff going on outside her car featuring her eldest!
Yes I wondered if this might be an issue and I'm surprise that you're the first to mention it. I showed this to quite a few folk before posting on these boards and everyone so far forgot about the people in the car, which was great for me! But now you had to go notice it!!!
It's quick and they are in shock, plus Carla's told her mom in the strongest terms to stay in the car. I could cut to them looking shocked or have them react but I felt it would detract from what's going on outside.
In terms of it working as a script I’m unsure. The acute prophetic nature of her dream is questionable and gives the piece a definite fantastical edge. Not to mention her sudden proficiency with a gun, her cold dispatching of Melvin and Isabella. I mean, its action movie stuff. So I’m wondering is she actually an angel in the most (initially) unflattering form possible? Does any of it really happen? Is this another dream, a wishful fantasy?
I did very much want a dramatic, powerful and surprising finale to this short. If you saw your family murdered, could do nothing about it and were also killed only to find you had a second chance what would you do? Play it safe or just bleeding go for it!
Carla just goes for it, she's in the zone with no self-conscious fears blocking her. She does what she has to do and pulls it off. It's either a fluke or she's had some practice with guns. I didn't have time in the story or any natural way to show she's already gifted in this area, however it seems every hot chick in TV and movies these days is kick-ass naturally lol!
My original idea had Carla just dying and that be the end of it but it seemed depressing. As annoying as she was, she is just a hormonal teenager who's daddy had died from drinking and she was just venting her frustrations on the world. She didn't deserve it.
So I toyed with giving her a second chance but wanted the audience to come up with their own ideas about what happened so I deliberately left it open.
Is it all a dream? I hope not as that's the cheapest trick in the writer's book but you could interpret it that way.
Is she dead in the road? Was it all the final synapsis of her brain as she constructed a fantasy trying to fix what she failed to prevent?
Is God working in mysterious ways? Does this higher power intervene all the time and we are simply not aware of it, or was God just peed off at Melvin?
Is she an angel and not aware until she's killed and comes back? That's a good angle, I like that.
Did she have some sort of prophetic vision which allowed her to change the future or did she simply see those guys on Facebook, as she said to her mom (thanks for pointing out I put the wrong character there, I'll fix that later!) and had a scary dream, then put two and two together when they showed up for real?
It's open to interpretation and I'm sure others can think up of other possibilities but that's what I wanted. As to the extremes of it, yes it is. Imagine the scene in Dusk till Dawn where Salma Hayek suddenly turns into a Vampire 30 minutes into a movie that has nothing to do with Vampires up until that point. I didn't go as extreme as that but I wanted something different that pushes the boundaries and gives people an ending they'll remember.
Cheers again for the read.
Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Should Carla become aware or suspicious earlier? A great question. Never underestimate the power of disbelief combined with the ego of self. Carla is so wrapped up in her own universe she fails to see what is happening right in front of her nose until it's obvious and too late.
- Ya she does seem particularly wilfully ignorant but I get that was the point, in that she is so self-involved. Plus, it was a dream so there is the twisted logic which goes along with that in there too. It’s like when you wake up from a dream and marvel how fu?ked up it was but while in it, you never questioned the goings on. It works here.
Anna does start to suspect but she's a simple woman with a good heart and she wants to see the best in everyone. So yes, my intention is for Carla not to realise her family are being murdered right under her nose, I think it adds real tension. But do I do enough to make it believable to the audience?
- Ya I got the impression Anna was a bit blithe and easy going to the point of negligence but maybe we need to see more from her or at least a greater indication of her character. Perhaps you played up this side of her too much in that she just comes off as a little slow, incompetent and ultimately excluded from the script altogether. She is their mother after all, that instinct should kick in at some point. Unless it’s revealed she'd dropped a couple of Valium to deal with her screeching kids before getting in the car
Yes I wondered if this might be an issue and I'm surprise that you're the first to mention it. I showed this to quite a few folk before posting on these boards and everyone so far forgot about the people in the car, which was great for me! But now you had to go notice it!!!
It's quick and they are in shock, plus Carla's told her mom in the strongest terms to stay in the car. I could cut to them looking shocked or have them react but I felt it would detract from what's going on outside.
- It’s not a big deal in that it can be easily fixed, j a couple of well placed lines to indicate the family's shock in the car is all. I don't think it would detract from Carla's a?s kicking, just imagine it on a screen, a quick cut to the onlookers would totally fit. They are part of the scene too, passive spectators or not.
I did very much want a dramatic, powerful and surprising finale to this short. If you saw your family murdered, could do nothing about it and were also killed only to find you had a second chance what would you do? Play it safe or just bleeding go for it!
Carla just goes for it, she's in the zone with no self-conscious fears blocking her. She does what she has to do and pulls it off. It's either a fluke or she's had some practice with guns. I didn't have time in the story or any natural way to show she's already gifted in this area, however it seems every hot chick in TV and movies these days is kick-ass naturally lol!
- I get that, she goes into instinct mode, there is something very primal about it, she is protecting her family at all costs but I wonder did you push it a little too far? Maybe you can have her kill Melvin and Isabella but in a less definitive way. In other words, she could struggle to shoot Melvin, maybe he gets the upper hand before she gets a stroke a luck and gains advantage. The same with killing Isabella, Carla could hesitate to shoot her, not have the balls, that killer instinct before Isabella charges at her thus giving Carla no choice but to defend herself. This would inject more drama and peril into the final standoff in which Carla isn't such an efficient killer, that she might not succeed while also humanising her. That way you get to keep her "defending her family at all costs" trait just not in such a bada?s, thus unrealistic way. Of course, this might go against what you were going for.
My original idea had Carla just dying and that be the end of it but it seemed depressing. As annoying as she was, she is just a hormonal teenager who's daddy had died from drinking and she was just venting her frustrations on the world. She didn't deserve it.
- That would be a bleak one alright though a part of me would take a grim satisfaction in seeing a bullet actually pass through the back of her brain...then, Fade out:
So I toyed with giving her a second chance but wanted the audience to come up with their own ideas about what happened so I deliberately left it open.
Is it all a dream? I hope not as that's the cheapest trick in the writer's book but you could interpret it that way.
Is she dead in the road? Was it all the final synapsis of her brain as she constructed a fantasy trying to fix what she failed to prevent?
Is God working in mysterious ways? Does this higher power intervene all the time and we are simply not aware of it, or was God just peed off at Melvin?
Is she an angel and not aware until she's killed and comes back? That's a good angle, I like that.
Did she have some sort of prophetic vision which allowed her to change the future or did she simply see those guys on Facebook, as she said to her mom (thanks for pointing out I put the wrong character there, I'll fix that later!) and had a scary dream, then put two and two together when they showed up for real?
It's open to interpretation and I'm sure others can think up of other possibilities but that's what I wanted. As to the extremes of it, yes it is. Imagine the scene in Dusk till Dawn where Salma Hayek suddenly turns into a Vampire 30 minutes into a movie that has nothing to do with Vampires up until that point. I didn't go as extreme as that but I wanted something different that pushes the boundaries and gives people an ending they'll remember.
- Yeah it’s good that you went that way. To be fair, you do put fantasy up front in the logline (I've stopped reading loglines when reading scripts here, only the writer's name, best to go in totally blindsided I reckon) so that allows some artistic licence when it comes to the overt prophetic dream. I was thinking of some Inception-like indication at the end that she is still dreaming but it’s not completely conclusive so it’s still left open for interpretation but, like you say, that can rub people up the wrong way as being too gimmicky.
- I get that, she goes into instinct mode, there is something very primal about it, she is protecting her family at all costs but I wonder did you push it a little too far? Maybe you can have her kill Melvin and Isabella but in a less definitive way. In other words, she could struggle to shoot Melvin, maybe he gets the upper hand before she gets a stroke a luck and gains advantage. The same with killing Isabella, Carla could hesitate to shoot her, not have the balls, that killer instinct before Isabella charges at her thus giving Carla no choice but to defend herself. This would inject more drama and peril into the final standoff in which Carla isn't such an efficient killer, that she might not succeed while also humanising her. That way you get to keep her "defending her family at all costs" trait just not in such a bada?s, thus unrealistic way. Of course, this might go against what you were going for.
Thanks again for the input Col. Your comments are really helping me come up with ideas for the second draft and I'll certainly incorporate the feedback into it.
The confrontation in the end I nearly wrote myself into a corner with because I already established Melvin and Isabella had guns and were ruthless. Having a gun in Anna's car would have seemed like cheating so whatever happens has to be quick as Carla's only advantage is one of surprise.
If the showdown takes too long one of her adversaries could get the upper hand and the longer it goes on, the more likely the rest of the family in the car would get involved.
So the kick in the nuts, I reckon she's naturally skilled in that area. The first shot I was hoping could be attributed to a fluke but maybe I'll change it so it takes 2-3 shots before she hits her shoulder.
The shot to the kneecap is point blank range, no special skill required. She wants Melvin incapacitated and sufferring.
It does take the rest of the ammo to kill Isabella, some shots do miss. Maybe I didn't emphasise that enough so I'll endevour to make that more obvious. She carries on shooting after the clip is empty as well, I thought this would help highlight her uncertainty she'd put Isabella down plus display her sheer rage at this point.
The kill shot on Melvin, again that's point blank. Doesn't take any skill but does require guts.
I hope that's enough. This is a fantasy short after all. Sure it's set in the real world and has points about life to make but ultimately the revenge and retribution part of this short is the sheer power of 'If Only' in action. Carla gets the power she wished a genie would grant her and uses it.
Hey that's an idea! Maybe we cut from the car going off in the distance to a genie-like lamp on the side of the road with smoke bellowing out of it. Although I did want to make this short as low budget as possible and it might confuse people. Ah you can't win!
All the input so far has been invaluable - many thanks.
Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
The confrontation in the end I nearly wrote myself into a corner with because I already established Melvin and Isabella had guns and were ruthless. Having a gun in Anna's car would have seemed like cheating so whatever happens has to be quick as Carla's only advantage is one of surprise.
If the showdown takes too long one of her adversaries could get the upper hand and the longer it goes on, the more likely the rest of the family in the car would get involved.
So the kick in the nuts, I reckon she's naturally skilled in that area. The first shot I was hoping could be attributed to a fluke but maybe I'll change it so it takes 2-3 shots before she hits her shoulder.
The shot to the kneecap is point blank range, no special skill required. She wants Melvin incapacitated and sufferring.
It does take the rest of the ammo to kill Isabella, some shots do miss. Maybe I didn't emphasise that enough so I'll endevour to make that more obvious. She carries on shooting after the clip is empty as well, I thought this would help highlight her uncertainty she'd put Isabella down plus display her sheer rage at this point.
The kill shot on Melvin, again that's point blank. Doesn't take any skill but does require guts.
I hope that's enough. This is a fantasy short after all. Sure it's set in the real world and has points about life to make but ultimately the revenge and retribution part of this short is the sheer power of 'If Only' in action. Carla gets the power she wished a genie would grant her and uses it.
Hey that's an idea! Maybe we cut from the car going off in the distance to a genie-like lamp on the side of the road with smoke bellowing out of it. Although I did want to make this short as low budget as possible and it might confuse people. Ah you can't win!
- All fair points. They must have guns as per her dream and she does miss a few shots, I got that but its still an unarmed teenager taking out two armed adults so the suspension of disbelief is stretched by its very nature. Maybe you could look to her dream and see about changing something which would give her some advantage. Perhaps she has a knife or gun in her own car. It is the south after all, isn't everybody packing' heat down there? Anyway, you know what I'm getting at, I'll leave it to you to determine what works best.
Personally (regardless of it being a time for Robin Williams tributes) I wouldn't go down the genie or lamp route, just my opinion.
'what can only be described' sounds like something from a child's novel. It has no place in your script. I was going to get over it, but I feel it's something you should know and I didn't want to forget.
I had no idea where this script was going. I thought the twist was going to be that it was all a set up to get her to learn a lesson and not be so self absorbed. And that's where I think you should take this.
She suddenly turning into calm, collected killer herself I really feel does not work.
Well written for the most part, but doesn't work for me for the reason stated.
'what can only be described' sounds like something from a child's novel. It has no place in your script. I was going to get over it, but I feel it's something you should know and I didn't want to forget.
I had no idea where this script was going. I thought the twist was going to be that it was all a set up to get her to learn a lesson and not be so self absorbed. And that's where I think you should take this.
She suddenly turning into calm, collected killer herself I really feel does not work.
Well written for the most part, but doesn't work for me for the reason stated.
Cheers for the read and the comments. I'm glad you thought it was going in a certain direction when it wasn't and I appreciate why it didn't work for you.
That line you don't like, I saw something very similar in a script of a famous movie I was reading. Can't remember which one now but it stuck with me and I thought I'd use a variation of it in this. Just shows everyone's tastes are different but I like experimenting .
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Yeah, I'm more from a story-writing background and that sentence just made me cringe. It's something I may have used myself as a youngster. Maybe not childish exactly, just old and worn out.
You don't need it in a screenplay anyway, particularly as you are doing exactly that already. You are already describing something, so also telling us you're doing that is pointless. I'd be very interested in knowing who the pro writer was that did that in a screenplay. Just so I can laugh.
Short stories should deliver a message... or say something. She's self-centred and remains even more so at the end. The only arc you deliver is one of a character that's never physically hurt anyone in her life suddenly turning into a professional killer. Just because she had a dream.
I didn't know what direction it was going in... I was expecting the twist to match the arc of the story. The original way you were going to achieve that, I had no idea. The way you've set about this, for me it's like watching a film and the bad guys winning. I'm left thinking, wtf?
I enjoyed the first half way more than the second, but the premise is cool, even if a familiar one. The character descriptions are top-notch, as is the writing that contains them. You took a few risks - whatever. What matters is the risks were grounded in solid writing. You wrote Carla to really stand out, and even though we can't stand what motivates her, we can relate to her disconnect toward family, and at the end you resolved it...
But after the twist, everything went way too fast. Instead of using what motivates Carla to change her circumstance, Carla uses the antagonists' means of resolution. I did like how she used "need" to catch Melvin off guard. Carla got her family and life back through violence, sure, but did she earn it? I also didn't buy in to the fact Anna let her do what she did; moreover, just watch it unfold with her kids from inside the car.
Good job and good luck with this. The writing has spirit.
There's some things happening with the script at the moment, can't say anymore as it's not a done deal yet but I'll bear this in mind if I'm asked to do some changes.
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Page 1. When you introduce a character for the first time, you should CAPITALIZE their names.
When you start a new scene or go back to a scene, you should name that character instead of just writing she. Even if it seems obvious who you mean. In other words, write Carla plugs in some headphones.
Page 2. Seems odd that Anna would be smiling contently while watching the kids play and in the next breath she digs out a prescription bottle. If she's so content, why does she need pills? Perhaps show some other kind of emotion from her instead?
Is Melvin a stranger? If so, would Carla really say that to him?
Duck face! Funny. I hate those. Looks ridiculous.
Can't say I like Carla...at all.
Page 6. Marvin?
Right now, I'm thinking, shouldn't someone have taken Melvin's comment about being escaped serial killers a little bit seriously? I mean, joking is one thing, but if I came across two strangers in the middle of nowhere and they said they were escaped lunatics from a mental hospital, I'd be a little moe than concerned.
Page 7. The phone rises? That sounds like it's doing it on its own.
Page 8. IMHO, it would work better if you showed us Carla's reactions and emotions better when she's starting to realize who these people are. That tear just seemed to come out of nowhere.
Page 9. Thunder thighs? You sure that's the word you want to use there?
Also, they locked them up for being a little to close for siblings? I know that's not healthy, but I don't think you get locked up for that. Weren't they killers or something?
Page 13. Isabelle. Marvin.
Okay, reached the end. Overall, I think you did a pretty good job here. Easy to read and I was entertained. The ending wasn't as strong as it could've been though, IMHO. Since Carla is such an unpleasant person, I would rather have seen her being taught a lesson rather than become some sort of hero. I wanted to see her punished. How about Carla kills the couple, but it turns out they were just a regular nice couple and Carla is the one that gets put away. More of a poetic justice ending, I think.
Hey Angry Bear. Thanks for the read and the comments.
Thanks for spotting the errors with formatting, typos etc. No matter how much I tidy this up there's still some hanging around lol!
Anna is smiling because she's not a complicated person. She's lead a simple life and likes to see the good in everybody. She's on antidepressents and anti-anxiety medication trying to cope bringing three kids up on her own after her husband passed away.
One of those kids is an angry hormonal teenager from hell who's also dealing with the loss of her daddy in her own way.
Anyone who's experienced a teenager knows that they can be unpleasent at times. Carla is gorgeous and knows it as well, she's trying to escape her mom's fate (a normal, mundane life as she sees it) and thinks using her looks can help her achieve that. She isn't a bad person, she's just dealing with a lot of issues in an unhealthy way. If you look around the social network sites you'll find many Carla's trying to get noticed and a lot of them have their amazon wish lists, private websites etc.
Carla's lesson is she gets to experience her family massacared under her nose while she is obsessed with self. She is then murdered under terrifying conditions. Is that not a lesson enough? What happens to her feels real and maybe it is? It's a massive wake up call and her second chance gives her a few precious minutes with which to act.
Melvin and Isabella do what they want, when they want without any morals or empathy. They are a couple of Psychopaths which is why they were locked up. Their escape from the asylum has been reported on the news, they kill the whole family just coz Carla's taken some photos of them and will upload them to the internet as soon as she gets a signal. Isabella's complete lack of empathy over killing the kids and mom, the body in the truck - all point towards a couple of nutters lol. Melvin saying they were locked up because they liked each other - well that's just crazy talk from a delusional mind
I know I never come flat out and say all that direct with on the nose dialogue but there's subtext in the script to let the audience know and bridge these gaps but maybe it's not obvious enough.
Thanks again for the read and comments.
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
I'm very pleased, excited (and extremely nervous lol) to announce this script is now in pre-production. Shooting is scheduled for late November. I've removed the drop-box link for the script for now, it's going through a lot of changes anyway.
I'd like to thank everyone who commented on this and offered criticism. When you get everyone saying similar things it makes you sit up and take a look at what they are saying. When the Director started echoing the comments on this forum, I knew I needed to make changes, so the second half of this script has changed considerably. I think the new direction is better, let's hope it turns out that way.
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Just a little update for those interested. Filming has finished and we are onto Post-Production. It was...challenging to say the least.
A little car accident at the airport, police interference/fine on location the second day of filming (we got shut down by a woman running a horse show that called the police lol) last minute crew cancellations and replacements, an insane agent and stage mom later, somehow we've successfully wrapped the film, and we actually got everything we need.
I've seen some pics and the footage looks stunning (it was shot on a Red Dragon camera) so we're working on a Facebook page and a teaser trailer now, I'll pop link to it on here when it is ready.
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
A little car accident at the airport, police interference/fine on location the second day of filming (we got shut down by a woman running a horse show that called the police lol) last minute crew cancellations and replacements, an insane agent and stage mom later, somehow we've successfully wrapped the film, and we actually got everything we need.
Will you hold it against me if I say that sounds more interesting than the script itself?
Congrats on the wrap and good luck with post-production. Looking forward to the teaser trailer.
A script of mine that was original posted on your site in the Short Section has been produced.
I ended up producing it myself. I teamed up with a couple of producer friends in the states (I'm based in the UK) and they found me a director in LA who was interested in directing it. We've spent the last 5 months making it but it's finally out and I'm very proud of it.
[...] I've put the first draft up on my dropbox here.
Even then the finished product did differ from the script in some areas because we ran into trouble during the shoot and had to improvise some scenes. Then of course post-production did change the flow of certain key points.
We are entering it into a few film festivals to see how it does. I just thought I'd share for now in case anyone would like to see how much a script can change during production. I learned a hell of a lot participating on your forums so it would be nice to give something back.
A self centered young woman on a family road trip encounters two strangers who are far more dangerous than they appear. As fate intervenes, she has to find the courage to learn to live for today if her family have any chance to see another tomorrow.
Even then the finished product did differ from the script in some areas because we ran into trouble during the shoot and had to improvise some scenes. Then of course post-production did change the flow of certain key points.
Thanks all. This has been such a learning experience. We've just been officially selected for our first festival so we'll see how it fares it the crazy world of the festival circuit.
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
I remember reading this script some months back and enjoying it...with some reservations. However, above all it was memorable and provoked discussion which is always a good thing.
The film looks fantastic, great production values and the performances are all very accomplished. A credit to everyone involved.
I was really engaged with the film until about the 8th minute or so until the twist happens. When I read the script my issue was more with Carla turning into some a?s kicking action hero when reliving the confrontation a second time, here it was just a little confusing as to what actually happens. One second she's shot in the back of the head the next she's back in the forest again going over the same events, with only a brief, recapping montage in between.
Its all a bit abstract and vague which is probably the intention. I can appreciate that its just one of those indefinable, interpretive moments with which you're expected to go while the V.O. inflects the sequence with the central theme of living each each day and not planning for tomorrow, etc. I guess I wanted more in the way of continuity without it getting too literal or grounded in reality.
Plus, I'm thinking how those who haven't read the scrip would respond to it.
In the script, if I remember correctly, Carla has a foreshadowing dream in the car which gives her a opportunity to change her fate with the benefit of a new perspective but here we get some flashbacks to her taking photos on the bed, her being more happy and content in the car, before we're back in the forest again. I wondered how far back she went in the second timeline (that morning perhaps, she had the foreshadowing dream during the night?) as there is a rewind sequence that seems to stop right before Carla and the guy walk off alone together which is when where she altars her destiny.
On that note, its interesting to see the changes it went through from the draft I read compared to the finished film. Now Carla alters events by basically saying what the guy wants to hear, espousing peace, love and understanding instead of going all Gina Carano on their a?s as per the script. I'm not sure if I buy his change of heart but since he's portrayed as unpredictable and unhinged, this kind of volatility fits his character.
Anyway, once again, great job on getting this on screen, you should be proud.
Hi Col - Thanks so much for the review, it really helps to get feedback like this and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
The main negative feedback from the original draft on Simply Scipts and elsewhere is that people didn't like Carla going all kick ass. Although it was 'cool' the general consensus was she didn't actually learn any lessons from encountering these two psychopaths, losing her family and life in the process. She was still essentially the same self-obsessed annoying teenager.
The Director agreed and suggested I try a more positive solution to Carla's 'Final Destination' scenario, plus cutting out the gunfight would reduce costs as a bonus and as I was financing/producing this I was happy to do so.
This forced me to flesh out Marvin into a much more deeper character with his own warped sense of right and wrong, philosophy and ways of looking at the world and it forced me into developing Carla more as well. If you look at the original post I've linked the final draft of the script which changed the second half so she basically relives the whole day again but on a positive note. Although she doesn't consciously remember being killed, sub-consciously she does and this makes her re-evaluate her life like someone who's had a near death experience. In her acting differently and going down a different path Marvin decides he doesn't need to kill her or her family, he chooses a different side on a whim but it's very close. As you've probably sussed out Isabella is the more dangerous one and she always wants to kill them, the only controlling factor of the two crazed siblings is Marvin.
It is much more obvious in the final draft script that it is a second chance and is a full rewind of the day but this changed during production. We had a lot of challenges which forced us to improvise in some areas and the Director and actors put their own spin on things which is a natural part of the whole process.
Although the second half now can be interpreted several different ways I really like it and I am extremely proud of it. I'm sure some will be confused, there is the danger of that but hopefully most will come away having enjoyed it and with their own version of what happened. I also think it encourages thought and multiple viewings as there are a few subtle Easter Eggs we've planted in there. Here's a clue to one, look at the licence plate on the car as they drive off near the end
Thanks again for taking the time to watch this and write a review. I'm passing it onto the Director and other producers, they will appreciate the feedback also.
Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
The Director agreed and suggested I try a more positive solution to Carla's 'Final Destination' scenario, plus cutting out the gunfight would reduce costs as a bonus and as I was financing/producing this I was happy to do so.
- Yeah, as well as Carla shooting them up being implausible and somewhat counter intuitive to the theme of the story, I imagine the practicalities of shooting it made it number 1 on the list of changes in the director's mind.
This forced me to flesh out Marvin into a much more deeper character with his own warped sense of right and wrong, philosophy and ways of looking at the world and it forced me into developing Carla more as well. If you look at the original post I've linked the final draft of the script which changed the second half so she basically relives the whole day again but on a positive note. Although she doesn't consciously remember being killed, sub-consciously she does and this makes her re-evaluate her life like someone who's had a near death experience. In her acting differently and going down a different path Marvin decides he doesn't need to kill her or her family, he chooses a different side on a whim but it's very close. As you've probably sussed out Isabella is the more dangerous one and she always wants to kill them, the only controlling factor of the two crazed siblings is Marvin.
- As I said, all the performance were solid but Marvin in particular was a standout and he needed to be. Although he is not the protagonist, the film's primary ideas are conveyed through him so we needed to believe that he believed in what he was saying, regardless of how psychotic he appeared. He could've easily come off preachy and didactic but manages to straddle that fine line, in part due, ironically enough, to his craziness. Both siblings gave the film's mood a suitably off kilter, disconcerting vibe which was particularly palpable in the those first 8 minutes.
Although the second half now can be interpreted several different ways I really like it and I am extremely proud of it. I'm sure some will be confused, there is the danger of that but hopefully most will come away having enjoyed it and with their own version of what happened.
- Yeah, I think most will take away there own meanings and interpretation of Carla's pre-cognizant/foreshadowing vision/dream or "second chance" while the central notion of the script remains evident for viewers paying attention.
Here's a clue to one, look at the licence plate on the car as they drive off near the end
- I followed this up: PRG-TRY. Something "try" obviously but I can't work out what "PRG" stands for. It's only meaning I can find, acronym-wise, is Prague international airport! Can you help a slow brother out here?
- I followed this up: PRG-TRY. Something "try" obviously but I can't work out what "PRG" stands for. It's only meaning I can find, acronym-wise, is Prague international airport! Can you help a slow brother out here?
It short for Purgatory. The Director had this dea that in the second half she is in fact dead and in Purgatory, so we placed that easter egg so one could interpret it that way as well. As it's all a bit surreal that helps perpetuate this idea if someone interpreted it as such, or if they think maybe this is all just random images in her head as she lies dying on the floor.
Thanks for all your other comments, they echo what we were trying to achieve with this short and it's great to see that someone completely impartial gets it.
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
It short for Purgatory. The Director had this dea that in the second half she is in fact dead and in Purgatory, so we placed that easter egg so one could interpret it that way as well.
- Ah, I see. So it has nothing to do with Czech Republic's capital city?
or if they think maybe this is all just random images in her head as she lies dying on the floor.
- I never considered the immediate-post-death-vision angle actually. The second "happier" version where she and her family get away unharmed is like some idealistic projection in her brain as the last flickers of consciousness leave her body.
- I never considered the immediate-post-death-vision angle actually. The second "happier" version where she and her family get away unharmed is like some idealistic projection in her brain as the last flickers of consciousness leave her body.
I just watched this. It's impressive, well acted and has some interesting ideas. I was a little puzzled over some of the later story choices. The first half was solid, up there with the better stuff I've seen done on a limited budget.
Whilst at first I frowned at the pair of killers, I was very pleased you strayed far away enough from NBK for it to become its own story.
The visuals were great, professional quality and the acting carried it through. Some good lines in there too.
If the director is looking for scripts then send him my way. Good work, fella. Have a chocolate teacake.
R
p.s. Some of the ideas in it are stuck in my head, like a good tune.
Really enjoyed watching this tight production. Great stuff. The Natural Born Killers-style first half flew by. Had I seen this before? Yes, but it was still very effective. Kudos.
Comparatively, the Jacob's Ladder-style second half was problematic. In that nifty film, the audience is slowly introduced to Jacob's true condition. Scenes are intercut through the film, creating an inevitability we come to accept.
However in your tale, we see the trigger pulled. So, my first instinct was we were Tarantino/Groundhog Daying your scenario. The cinematography was the same, so I figured: non-linear narrative. However, the license plate was a nice touch. Helps sell everything. Jacob's Ladder also had strict lighting rules for the "ambiguous" scenes.
Some kind of post-production process could visually cue audiences better. Other than that, I can't wait to see the next thing you guys produce!
Regards, EDreamer
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I just watched this. It's impressive, well-acted and has some interesting ideas. I was a little puzzled over some of the later story choices. The first half was solid, up there with the better stuff I've seen done on a limited budget.
Whilst at first I frowned at the pair of killers, I was very pleased you strayed far away enough from NBK for it to become its own story.
The visuals were great, professional quality and the acting carried it through. Some good lines in there too.
If the director is looking for scripts then send him my way. Good work, fella. Have a chocolate teacake. R p.s. Some of the ideas in it are stuck in my head, like a good tune.
Thank you Rend, I am very pleased you watched and enjoyed this. The second half was very much a post-production edit to rescue the entire movie. It was a 3 day shoot and the police shut us down on day 2. A woman turned up with a horse show! I’m not making that up, we found this deserted picnic spot in the middle of no-where, thinking no-one would notice and a horse show turns up, then this lady who organised it called the police on us.
Anyway the Director had to improvise and he did a great job finding another location quickly and making lines up to bridge the gaps. Even so, we spent best part of 2 months sorting out post-production. I linked the pre-shooting script at the beginning of the thread, in the script it’s very obvious after she is shot she gets to relive the entire day making slightly different choices which result in her not getting killed. However instead it’s kinda open to interpretation and a bit Jacob’s Ladder but I’m very happy and proud of it.
Even though I say so myself, people have said it works even better on multiple-viewings.
Really enjoyed watching this tight production. Great stuff. The Natural Born Killers-style first half flew by. Had I seen this before? Yes, but it was still very effective. Kudos.
Comparatively, the Jacob's Ladder-style second half was problematic. In that nifty film, the audience is slowly introduced to Jacob's true condition. Scenes are intercut through the film, creating an inevitability we come to accept.
However in your tale, we see the trigger pulled. So, my first instinct was we were Tarantino/Groundhog Daying your scenario. The cinematography was the same, so I figured: non-linear narrative. However, the license plate was a nice touch. Helps sell everything. Jacob's Ladder also had strict lighting rules for the "ambiguous" scenes.
Some kind of post-production process could visually cue audiences better. Other than that, I can't wait to see the next thing you guys produce!
Regards, EDreamer
Cheers Ed, really appreciate you watching and commenting. It is appreciated. See my notes above to Rend regarding some of the post-production issues.
It’s interesting you mention the Tarintino/Groundhog Day comparison. In the original draft I had it very Tarintino with testicles being kicked in, guns blazing and bullets galore flying everywhere but the Director talked me into writing a non-violent third act. I’m glad he did actually, I think it works really well.
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Thank you Rend, I am very pleased you watched and enjoyed this. The second half was very much a post-production edit to rescue the entire movie. It was a 3 day shoot and the police shut us down on day 2. A woman turned up with a horse show! I’m not making that up, we found this deserted picnic spot in the middle of no-where, thinking no-one would notice and a horse show turns up, then this lady who organised it called the police on us.
Anyway the Director had to improvise and he did a great job finding another location quickly and making lines up to bridge the gaps. Even so, we spent best part of 2 months sorting out post-production. I linked the pre-shooting script at the beginning of the thread, in the script it’s very obvious after she is shot she gets to relive the entire day making slightly different choices which result in her not getting killed. However instead it’s kinda open to interpretation and a bit Jacob’s Ladder but I’m very happy and proud of it.
Even though I say so myself, people have said it works even better on multiple-viewings.
PS – The director is MINE! You can’t have him!!!
Cheers Ed, really appreciate you watching and commenting. It is appreciated. See my notes above to Rend regarding some of the post-production issues.
It’s interesting you mention the Tarintino/Groundhog Day comparison. In the original draft I had it very Tarintino with testicles being kicked in, guns blazing and bullets galore flying everywhere but the Director talked me into writing a non-violent third act. I’m glad he did actually, I think it works really well.
Hey Mark, I see that new things were posted here. This was how we met, for those who don't know this. I watched the short and was blown away by it, and contacted him, and Mark and I have been chatting ever since.
I really enjoyed it. I was at the edge of my seat for this one. I'm glad you didn't do the guns blazing either. I like this one.
It's about second chances and how long term decisions can alter your life in ways you can't imagine. In a way, I think that's true. Karma does exist and we might never know what choice we made that might have an impact years later.
I actually enjoy writing like that in my series. I have a lot of tough choices that my characters have to make, and they do matter later on. Sometimes, to the point of creating alternate universes or pocket realities.
So, how is the short doing in the festival circuit? I hope you entered quite a few of them and that it does very well and wins a few things.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
So, how is the short doing in the festival circuit? I hope you entered quite a few of them and that it does very well and wins a few things. Dan
Hi Dan, thanks for the kind words.
Strangely enough, talking about film festivals, I’ve written an article on my experiences so far and submitted it to Simply Scripts to see if it’s something they’d like to publish on their home page!
Getting back to your question though, I’ve submitted it to 19 festivals at the latest count. I’ve had 5 rejections, 2 acceptions and the rest I’m waiting to hear from but they are months away, so I won’t hear anything for a while. Of the two that have accepted, the first one called Top Shorts runs early July, so I’m getting all excited – ooooh!
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
This was a solid production you should be quite proud of. I was impressed with the acting as well as the shots and editing.
I would bring more notes to the party, but this is a finished film. There were a few things that threw me off... Like calling our skinny killer guy "thunder thighs."
I did like the dialogue about the angel and time very much, but I was miffed by the end of it. I feel I need to rewatch it to get it. I haven't read the script or comments, I'm sure you clarify that somewhere here.
A good line that bridged the actions the family was "The power of if only". I thought it gives all characters a reason to be there together in the moment. The second part was also well handled, and the resolution felt much richer than how it was originally written. When she told Melvin about what her father said, it was a welcome contrast into his mind, which also gives insight into Carla.
The acting was really good, performances that did your story justice. Good luck as it makes the rounds and keep us updated on its success!
Congrats, Mark! I can't watch it these days as I reached the point when I get heavily depressed when I watch these types of dramas. But it sounds like a very good movie, so congrats on that. I wish you further success.
Sorry for the bump but No More Tomorrows is in its first film festival which is in full swing! Until the 14th of July the general public can vote on their favourites for the Audience Award.
Could I humbly request my SS buds click on the below link and give No More Tomorrows a nice rating please? You do this by clicking on the stars next to the film title. 5 is good, 1 is not good at all!
Also, just below the film you’ll see tweet and FB share buttons. If you could tweet and share it that would be fabulous and I’ll owe you all top jobs in Hollywood when I get discovered
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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