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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  West Country Revenge Moderators: bert
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  Author    West Country Revenge  (currently 2926 views)
Don
Posted: August 10th, 2014, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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West Country Revenge by Lee O'Connor - Short, Thriller - Sometimes the sweetest revenge doesn't give complete satisfaction. 4 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (12 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  September 22nd, 2014, 4:23pm
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LC
Posted: August 11th, 2014, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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Lee,

I jotted down a few comments as I read.

Be aware of mixing past with present tense.
'sitting in an armchair' -  would work better, or sits in an armchair, but I know this is a UK thing (is sat) - we discussed it on the 1+6 OWC thread so I won't labour the point.

'deadpan eyes' - this is usually used in relation to delivery of comedy - not a strict rule but I get the feeling you mean something like: 'dead eyes' or 'lifeless eyes'

Be careful to proofread - esp. apostrophes etc.

'victim's level' although this could be rephrased as:
'he crouches down at/to the same level as his victim or: 'he crouches down beside his victim, whispers in his ear'
'prisoner's jaw'

'you raped and murdered my wife' should be on a separate line to the wrylie.

'is disturbing, There... '
You want to insert a period/full stop after 'disturbing'.

Aiden stands back from whispering in his victims ear.
'Aiden stands back' would suffice, given we know what location we are in and what preceded this.

It's a good idea not to over complicate your sentences with redundant/doubling-up words, when one will suffice and be far more effective/visual. For example:

'and immediately puts a bullet through his
head.' See you've added an unnecessary conjunction with the 'and'.

Plus:

'puts a bullet through his head' is a simpler & more graphic image without the 'immediately' which is ironic really (given the meaning of the word - immediately). It slows it down.

Similarly: tears begin to roll
down his face

'tears roll down his cheeks/face' is a more immediate visual imh.

You will also save a little space by listing your character's ages as:

30s - minus the brackets and (')

There are a few instances of some odd and 'awkward phrasings' - this one as an example:

'squeezing his gob almost crushing it before
throwing it to one side.'

Finally:
'He aims his gun and immediately puts a bullet through his
head.' - is ambiguous as in he could be referring to his own head - or it could be the other guy's. Perhaps give this character a name.

I was also a little confused with your BACK TO: and DAY/NIGHT slugs. Is all the action taking place in the warehouse in flashback? If so you'd be best to format it that way.

Sorry, I've only focused on formatting issues primarily. There's a definite vibe to the story you've written but it's just getting a little bogged down in overcomplicated writing and description at the moment.

I think you need to give the actual story a bit more too cause your logline mentions 'loneliness of your main character' and I wasn't really getting that. Revenge and regret at a push, but I didn't empathize very much with your main character. This is mainly because you 'tell' what happened in the past but don't 'show' any of it. The woman in the opening scene is happy and joyful. I'm not saying spell it all out but I needed a bit more than you gave me.

I suggest you give this a little more backstory and I hope you put up another draft.

P.S. Your logline needs a little correction too re: 'your wife'. Presume you mean 'his wife'

P.P.S. I didn't get the SciFi/Fantasy element to this.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  August 11th, 2014, 10:09am
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Andrew
Posted: August 11th, 2014, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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This one caught my eye because of the name... and because I am from the West Country. I think you can only really refer to a place in the title if it's essentially a character in the work. So, for example, Fargo is essentially a character in both the film and the tv show, so it makes sense. Here you have a shot of the Cotswolds and that's it. In a fleshed out version the West Country may well be more important, but as it stands, it's just a distraction for me.

I can see how this would work better on film over script alone, but feel there's not really a hook in it. It's retribution, but without narrative purpose. We don't have enough as an audience. We have seen revenge for the murder of a family member too often. It would have more interest to me if you reverse the roles and the revenge is the killer's, i.e. he kills the wife and then attempts to kill the husband as revenge for [insert reason here]. It subverts expectations and gives us something to chew over.


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khamanna
Posted: August 12th, 2014, 3:49am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Lee.

A simple story. It's on the pages.

The first three shots are not tied with each other. I'd say add some good dialog to make us root for the characters but it's your call.

Aiden's only line is on the nose I believe. Aiden enjoyed avenging his wife's murder. Maybe he'd say it aloud but I believe he'd do it before he killed the man. It's your call of course.
p2 his prisoner's jaw.

Good luck to you with it.


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LeeOConnor
Posted: August 12th, 2014, 5:08am Report to Moderator
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Hi guys,

Thanks for the feed back. This was a piece I put together literally in minutes, so a proof read was not done (obviously is would usually do this before posting)
This is part of a feature film that I am currently writing.
Without the shots of his wife and the back and forth scenes, the first scene is the rapist being tortured and it's a little more graphic that was is written in this, so basically the short is kind of the feature film summed up in three pages.
I just wanted to get a feel of what people would think of the concept, regardless of the grammar and formatting etc.
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LeeOConnor
Posted: August 12th, 2014, 5:20am Report to Moderator
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And I have just realised the wrong draft has been posted
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LeeOConnor
Posted: August 15th, 2014, 5:32am Report to Moderator
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The right draft is up now. Please read a review.

Many thanks
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rendevous
Posted: August 15th, 2014, 5:40am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LeeOConnor
Please read a review.

Many thanks


Eh? Read a review. Where? Is it in the newspaper? Today's?

Cos I didn't get today's. It's all on the internet anyway. I've got yesterday's though. Is it in that?

Please help. I'm confused.

And I have to go to the market soon.

R


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DS
Posted: August 15th, 2014, 7:20am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rendevous


Eh? Read a review. Where? Is it in the newspaper? Today's?

Cos I didn't get today's. It's all on the internet anyway. I've got yesterday's though. Is it in that?

Please help. I'm confused.

And I have to go to the market soon.

R




Hi Lee - My thoughts:

Your parentheticals on P2 aren't formatted as parentheticals.

The final and in this line doesn't seem correct. "His eyes well up and he attempts
to break free and has no luck."

"His eyes well up and he attempts to break free with no luck."
"His eyes well up and he attempts to break free, no luck."
"His eyes well up and he attempts to break free, but has no luck."

One of those would sound a lot more natural in my opinion.


You mentioned that this is a part of a feature you're working on. I think it would fit into a feature, but as a short in it's current state it falls flat to me.

Why?

1. The ambiguous ending. Doesn't fit here in my opinion. Instead of thinking how good it was that I can choose what would happen next in my head myself, I feel ripped off. Since there's relatively no backstory, it's hard for me to care about him getting his revenge. So the thing I want to know is what happens to him after he gets it. After all based on the logline that's the point of the short.

2. The climax doesn't seem like a climax, however it has so much potential to be one. Up the ante with whatever fits Aiden's character. Make the dialogue more intimidating, show his emotions more throughout whether it be anger, disappointment etc. Perhaps give some dialogue to John. Make him more than just the guy who gets his balls blown off. A confirmation from him that he did commit the offence with Aiden's wife, perhaps with some reasoning why on his side would be nice.

Oh, and: The flashback? Is it really necessary for the story to be told in this fashion? Don't get me wrong, it doesn't do the short any damage. However, I'm unsure how it would fit into your feature.

Good luck with your work on the short and most of all on the feature.

- DS

Revision History (1 edits)
DS  -  August 15th, 2014, 6:05pm
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BenKelley
Posted: August 15th, 2014, 8:04am Report to Moderator
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Hi Lee,

I like how you intercut the scenes in the barn with the scenes of him watching his wife and then killing himself.  That worked well for this short to showcase the basics of a larger story.  

I can see how this would work as a feature, there's a lot of story opportunities with Aiden and his wife, how she died, why the killer did it, how Aiden caught the killer.  

If Aiden is going to kill himself in the end, there should be lots of other things working against him to force him to that point.  Maybe when his wife is still alive, they take all the money they have and invest in their future, buying a big house with lots of rooms for kids, and then when she dies Aiden is broke and alone in a big empty house.  Aiden has to be tortured and his future has to become hopeless.

I like the name Briege.  I'm not sure I've heard that name before.


TO THE EDGE WITH MR. PEMBRY (Short - 8 pages)
HYPNOTIZING TO GET AHEAD  (Thriller - 109 pages)
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Colkurtz8
Posted: August 15th, 2014, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Lee

Not much to say here as it reads more like a trailer than an actual completed script. I know, it’s only 2 and half pages long so telling an actual story is going to be difficult. To your credit, you do conjure up some striking imagery and technically the writing seems pretty solid.

The few breadcrumbs you do give in terms of story indicate a revenge scenario and the cycle of violence that’s not new in any way but again it’s difficult to judge it since you give us so little.

I presume this is the basis for something bigger? If not, you should consider fleshing it out, it would be a shame to just leave it like this, vague and unfinished. Or maybe you are new to writing and are just putting this out there to test the waters.

Anyway, sorry I can’t give you more for the reasons stated but you look to know your way around the format and presentation of a script, which is a start.

Best of luck.

Col.


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LeeOConnor
Posted: August 15th, 2014, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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Hi folks,

Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
Sorry theres a typo  "read and review" not "read a review"


DS you said this "1. The ambiguous ending. Doesn't fit here in my opinion. Instead of thinking how good it was that I can choose what would happen next in my head myself, I feel ripped off. Since there's relatively no backstory, it's hard for me to care about him getting his revenge. So the thing I want to know is what happens to him after he gets it"

This was the point of my short, it's a talking point, can he bare life without his wife or will he kill himself?

This was a read between the lines short, I didn't want to over board on Aiden and Briege's relationship, I felt in this instance it is not needed. After all what would any of us do if a murderer killed one of our wives?

I'm not oblivious that this needs work it's merely posted for suggestions which I am grateful for.

Thanks
Lee
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DS
Posted: August 15th, 2014, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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Oh, of course. Not sure why, but I didn't go looking for a deeper meaning reading this one. On second thought, after visualizing the scene in my head I feel inclined to agree that the ambitiousness could work in the short as well. It could also be interpreted as him struggling with the fact that he's murdered someone instead of just not being able to live with his wife, or both together.

However, I stick to the other points I made. I still believe you could do a lot more with the climax scene while adding more backstory into the short.

Good luck once again. Give me a nod when you finish the feature this is a part of. Would gladly give it a read.

- DS

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
DS  -  August 15th, 2014, 2:22pm
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LeeOConnor
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Thanks DS, I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions, I'll get in touch when I finally get around to finishing it.
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SAC
Posted: August 16th, 2014, 4:43am Report to Moderator
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Lee,

Hi. I think your opening action block gives a little too much detail about her surroundings. I know you're just trying to set the scene, but I feel it can be trimmed.

When you're describing the man in the chair it might help if you give his description right off the bat. Here you have him in the chair, the light from outside reveals him when Aiden opens the door. That's where you need to give us the picture of the man. Also, you have too many "is heard," "are heard," in there. You can lose them as you did a good job describing sound with the creaky door.

Should the first time we meet John in the barn be a flashback? It is later.

Also, your flashbacks are not ended when you jump back to the lounge. Kinda messes up the continuity of this. After each barn scene ends you should have END FLASHBACK before going back to the lounge.

Okay, he shoots the guy then shoots himself. It's a pretty straightforward slice of what Aiden goes through, but nothing too exciting. Even though this is very short, it suffers from overwriting. It can be trimmed of unnecessary description. That would make this very lean and easier on the eye as well. Less is more!

Good luck with this, Lee.

Steve


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