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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  West Country Revenge Moderators: bert
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  Author    West Country Revenge  (currently 2930 views)
LeeOConnor
Posted: August 16th, 2014, 8:42am Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve,

Thanks for the read.
As for the title "West country revenge" I thought it would be necessary to describe the location Briege is being filmed, The Cotswold hills, the rapeseed etc, these are I think crucial to let the reader know that it is set in the west country, otherwise the title is completely and utterly irrelevant.
I have thought of cutting the descriptions a little in this for the reasons,  just like you say "to make it easier on the eye"

All your other points I shall take on board and work it in,

Thanks again Steve.  
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 16th, 2014, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Lee,

I found this confusing. I got that his wife had been killed by this guy and he was after revenge but couldn't work out if the revenge was imagined before he killed himself or if he killed the guy and then killed himself. I realise you put Later and Flashback in the scene headings but the audience won't see that and from the action alone there's no indication of timeline. It's like someone has already said, the flashback style is simply not needed for this short, it makes it confusing.

Some awkward descriptions like "John is defenceless and howling in excruciasion" actually made me smile instead of imagining someone in a horrific situation. He's tied up and been shot, I think defenceless and pain are a given.

Bit overuse of CAPS. Personally I don't think every item and sound need to be highlighted unless specifically important to the story.  

As a trailer script for a feature it doesn't pull me in and make me want to read more. It seems a straighforward story with a sad ending. Best of luck with it though.

Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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LeeOConnor
Posted: August 21st, 2014, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark,

Thanks for your comments, after reading this back I agree with the description "John is defenceless and howling in excruciation" it really is a given.

I've also changed the scene heading to make it more self explanatory.

Just to clarify, Aiden has killed john, he's not imagining it. The log line gives this away.
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LeeOConnor
Posted: September 2nd, 2014, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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Hey guys,

New draft is up, Please view and comment, many thanks.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 2nd, 2014, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hi mate, I like the writing, the story is pretty basic, not that that's a bad thing. It just means it's pretty straightforward. I would like to point out some areas where I believe your writing could do with tightening up and maybe a couple of other things. Feel free to discard anything and everything I say, there are times when I look at previous feedback and see how I made a mistake, but too late. Just like any other info on line, you have to be careful what you take in.

Code

A beautiful woman, BRIEGE(30’s) is being filmed.



Watch out for 'is' in your screenplays. Often, it isn't needed. Here 'is being filmed' could be dropped as you have already stated it is video footage. Personally I'd use the action line to tell us something about her, maybe she's laughing, coyly hiding from the camera or... stripping.

Code

A beautiful woman, BRIEGE(30’s) is being filmed. The sun
beats down on her as she poses among blooming rapeseed,
cheekily blowing kisses to the camera.



OK, I think you could combine these two sentences: The sun beats down on BRIEGE (30s) as she poses beautifully amongst blooming rapeseed, cheekily blowing kisses to the camera.

Your final action line is great, very fluid. The first lets it down. But combining them makes everything flow a lot better. So always look for ways you can combine your action lines, imo. Some like staccato sentences. Abrupt stop starts. I do too... but only for special effect.

Code

FOOTSTEPS are heard entering.

The door is slammed. Going back to DARKNESS.



I feel the above would be far more effective if you kept things simple.

Code

FOOTSTEPS.

The door slams.

DARKNESS



Something else... isn't it sawn-off shotgun?

Code

The hostage is dripping with sweat, petrified, as if he is
looking at Satan himself.



The hostage drips with sweat.

No need for the Satan thing, we can't see that. It's enough that this guy is tied to a chair, beaten and about to be tortured and murdered. The viewer will know how much fear this guy is in.

Code

AIDEN
(Gently) Hello John. You don’t
deserve a fair trial after what you
did to my wife.



Personally, I'd leave the actor to decide how to read this line for themselves. I'd also drop the hello part, they've already met. I think here: You don't deserve a fair trial.

I think that's enough.

Code

Aiden crouches down to John’s level, grasps his shoulder,
whispering in his ear.

AIDEN
(Hissing) You ruined my life.



Is he whispering or hissing? Again though, I'd cut both. Once actors get into their parts it can be surprising in a good way how they read the lines.

Also watch out for 'down' and 'up' words... as in 'crouches down'... you only need 'crouches'.

Code

AIDEN
(Beat) Fuck you.



Same again mate, it's unnecessary. Plus, BEATS usually go in action. Personally I never use them. Things like DARKNESS and SILENCE I will use though, so it's probably all the same.

Code

Aiden slowly recoils, whipping blood from his face.



Wiping.

Code

Tears begin to roll down Aiden’s face...



Watch out for 'begin' and 'start'. Tears roll down Aiden's face...

I think the film should end with a gunshot. I think that John should also have some chance of getting away, or some dialogue where he denies it, maybe blames a friend, create some extra conflict... but it's a decent story and some great writing on show. Just a few tweaks and you'll be there in no time.
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LeeOConnor
Posted: September 2nd, 2014, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dustin,

Thanks for the read. What you've pointed out is very helpful. Just from your suggestions alone tighten up the script even more, so thanks again.

I literally wrote this in an hour then looked at it again today, clearly did look at it hard enough.

Thanks for pointing out the simple mistakes that I have made.

I will act accordingly.
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LeeOConnor
Posted: September 4th, 2014, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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New draft up
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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 5th, 2014, 2:46am Report to Moderator
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Code

A flickering LIGHT is switched on.



It's that 'is' thing again.

A flickering light comes on.

How you've written it reads as past tense. 'Switched' is past tense, so the light could already have been switched on, although I'm pretty sure you mean the light comes on at that moment. Even if you mean it as past tense then you could still write:

A light flickers.

Try to keep things active. Whenever you see an 'is' pop up, look for a way to write around it. Same with past tense verbs, if it ends in 'ed' then look for a way to make that verb active or even use another.

I opened this at page 2 for some reason, but I see you make the same mistake on page 1. I'll continue from page 2 though, nitpicking.


Code

Aiden stands fearless in front of this man, static.

His dead eyes are locked on his prisoner as he frantically
tries to escape.

A sawn-off shotgun gleams in the flickering light which he
holds with both hands.



Not only has Hostage now become 'this man' but there is a way to make all three action lines just one.

Code

Aiden, sawn-off in hand, impassive as Hostage
frantically, yet futilely, tries to escape.



Code

Aiden trembling, cocks open the gun and stares at the last
bullet.



I think in the above it would be a better visual to have him load the bullet into the gun. If the bullet is already there, why cock the gun to stare at it?


Just a couple of things from page 1:

Code

OVER THE BLACK: STRAINED, HEAVY BREATHING IS HEARD.



There isn't any need for 'is heard'.

Code

A creaky DOOR is opened.



A creaky door opens.

Code

The TV illuminates the room...



It would be 'A TV...' as we haven't been introduced to it yet.

Code

His teary eyes gaze at the TV watching home videos of his
wife, Briege.



I think it would be more powerful here if you didn't give away exactly what he's watching. We'll get it from his facial reactions and body language to whatever is flickering away on the TV. Plus it saves having to actually film and find actors for the family vid's.

I am nitpicking though mate, the story reads just fine.
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LeeOConnor
Posted: September 5th, 2014, 3:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi Dustin,

No its fine. I generally have a bad habit of using past tense it's something I need to get over.

This was kind of a rushed short for me as I'm currently writing the feature, a test the water kind of thing.

Of course this is a very vague and obvious story, however the feature will go into more detail.

Thanks again for your thoughts Dustin, much appreciated.

Lee
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TonyDionisio
Posted: September 5th, 2014, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Lee,
I stopped reading to look up what reapeseed means. My fault I didn't know, but I still had to stop reading to find out
So, what is the significance of it? She was raped and killed?

I feel bad for the guy in the chair,  I hope the punisher got the right guy.

Tony
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LeeOConnor
Posted: September 5th, 2014, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Tony,

It's set in the west of England, hence west country revenge. Rapeseed is common around there, quite the view to be honest.
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LeeOConnor
Posted: October 23rd, 2014, 12:47am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read and comments on this one folks, it is now in Production.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 23rd, 2014, 2:01am Report to Moderator
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Well done, mate.
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Kyle
Posted: November 16th, 2014, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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The title intrigued me as I live in Dorset. This was a nice simple story about revenge and its consequences. Good luck with the production side of things.
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LeeOConnor
Posted: November 16th, 2014, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Kyle,

Thanks for your comments and support.
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