Unfortunate Bonds by Isaac Swift - Short, Comedy - {no logline} 30 pages - pdf, format

Hi Isaac, a few thoughts for you, just my opinion of course.

First, you need a logline to get catch peoples interest... as it stands we have a short comedy, but it's 30 pages and that's not very short.

Hard to tell if the formatting is right as you've used a Word doc, I'd suggest you use screenwriting software like CeltX (free) and re-save/upload in PDF format.

The first slugline is EXT./INT. How can action be taking place both inside and outisde. From what follows I think this is an EXT of the car pulling onto the drive. The it should be a new INT. scene inside the car.

Amber and Lance's dialogue doesn't read very 'real' have a think about how this would sound in reality, felt a little on the nose for me.

You also mention  that the car is a 'camera' did you mean 'Camaro'? These little errors add up and ake it difficult to read.

I'm afraid the little errors, limited humour and formatting pevented me getting beyond page 5.

Have a go at revising, maybe shortening, get  a logline up and you might get more feedback.

you start off with a camera direction which is a big no no...

i agree with Anthony Cawood, the format makes it hard to read so i'll just focus on the story and let you know what i think....

the story was interesting it  has potential but the dialogue is way toooo long. read more scripts, and notice how short the dialogue is. it greats straight to the point.

even though this isn't my type of show it does show a lot of promise...

good luck in the re write