The King of Pain by Silva Mungai - Short, Suspense - Two strangers sit down to discuss the underlying metaphors of a popular 80's rock song, or so it seems… 14 pages - pdf, format

Silva,

I wondered why you made Ben such a mystery on the first page. I can't see what this gains you.

There's nothing hugely wrong, but I'd say you need to tidy up some bits. 'Joshua contemplates' halfway down page 3 is in dialogue. I think you probably meant it to be an action line.

It seems to need a bit of a trim, as they do say a lot.

How do you rewind a vinyl record? Needs rephrasing, methinks.

I probably sound as grouchy as the new Doctor Who, but I do quite like a lot of this. Far easier for me to point out little errors than give praise.

I couldn't quite picture the 'workout beam' on page 10. I get the idea of it, but couldn't see how it would work if they were connected.

I wasn't quite sure where you were going with at all until it got to the kids. I liked it, a lot.

I probably need to read it again to get it all properly, but it's good. I enjoyed it.

R  

SPOILERS BELOW:


Hi Silva, I like this a lot too.

You really had me in he beginning and I had no idea what was going on. The dialogue kept me reading cause it was intriguing and their relationship seemed uneasy but I had no idea why. Then there's the reference to the closed doors and Joshua glancing that way, it's all good. Then the whole vibe of the piece changes unexpectedly (in a good way) when he opens the door onto the kids. I liked the couple strung up... even if I too couldn't quite picture the way it was rigged.

The ending falls slightly flat for me and I think that's due to the fact that Joshua's dialogue doesn't sound enough like he's a hostage negotiator and Ben appears to give in a little too easily imh. I would have liked it if Ben appeared to be more of a loose cannon towards the end i.e., will he or won't he?

There are a couple of passages (see below) where I think you can better deliver the dialogue in one sentence as opposed to three otherwise his speech loses its edge. I feel he says too much and what he does say could be stated in more succinct 'hostage negotiator' jargon.

Overall though, this is a very engaging read.

JOSHUA
Ben, listen to me. Whatever quarrel
you have is with them. Not the
kids. And even so, your approach to
this is not only dangerous, but
it’s a felony. This has branched
much further than a domestic
dispute. This is intent to harm. If
anything happens to them, that’s an
automatic upgrade to murder
charges. Do you understand this?

JOSHUA
Then what is it that you’re doing
here? Huh? Are you seriously
contemplating taking their lives?
You’re not capable of that, Ben.
What’s your end game here?

TYPO: 'they both chuckle at 'it's absurdity' on p.5

Nice job overall.

@rendevous:
Thank you very much for the read. This was something I wrote on a whim when I was bored at work, and found myself writing the entire thing in one sitting. I do agree, it definitely needs fine tuning, so I brought it here to get some ideas of how I can improve it. I also had trouble trying to figure out how to have them in a noose inside a house that normally doesn't have beams protruding from the ceilings. I may need to rethink how they are found in the exercise room. Nevertheless, thanks for the critique. I also prefer hearing my errors rather than praise most times

@LC
I am very glad you liked this piece. And I do agree that I need to work on Joshua's dialogue. I much rather enjoyed writing for Ben more than i did for Joshua in this case. Good note as well on trimming down Joshua's dialogue. I am currently working on modifications, so your inout will come in very handy. Thanks for the read.

Hi Silva,

You have nice story here it just needs to be written a little better in my opinion. Avoid the word "we" etc. Describe the scene, don't direct it.

A few more drafts and this will be sorted.

I hope this helps

Lee

Thank you for the read, Lee, still in the process of modifying this script.

Silva,

Comments can never accept negotiations.  If they stand accept them.

This is good work. The reveal is well hidden. The metaphor appropriate.  Well done.

The ending is the ending, but I find it difficult to believe that once the kids are safe that the police invade. Given the precarious position of the wife I would expect SWAT. That is me.

Best
Richard

Thanks, Richard. I decided to leave it ambiguous as to whether they invade or not. After-all, he still has his wife and her lover as hostages. But good note nevertheless. Thank you.