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Porn of the Dead by Daniel Fletcher - Short, Horror - A man living in an underground complex during the Zombie apocolypse collects scraps of pornography. His world is changed when some pictures of a different nature come into his possession. 9 pages - pdf, format
The premise sounded bizarre enough to warrant a read, and something clicked within the story (and the quality of the dialogue) to pull me through -- though mostly out of morbid curiosity.
To me the ending felt flat -- like you didn’t quite know where to take it and got out before the idea could take that turn into something far darker -- can’t say as I blame you. I wonder if the serious tone leaves you with few places to go? Perhaps a darker, comedic element could give this a twist -- have some fun with the idea of these two frustrated survivors getting themselves some strange. There’s something to the idea, though it could be tricky to pull off right.
Writing wise there’s a few things could be tidied up but I’ll leave it there till I know you’re around.
Steve.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
This is a tell. Don't tell us it is a crude living space, describe it as such and we will 'see' it.
Code
Suddenly the door is flung open. A haggard looking man
wearing a big coat stumbles in and closes the door behind
him. Sitting at the desk the man pulls down the collar of
his coat to reveal a bite mark on his neck. He touches the
mark and looks at the blood on his hands, his vision blurs
and refocuses and the man, named VICTOR, begins to weep in
fear.
The above is verbose. Too many sentences for the information imparted. Look for ways you can join sentences together and diminish the word count.
Code
INT. MARKET HALL. TWO DAYS LATER
VICTOR walks through a market hall.
We know it is a market hall from the slug. There isn't any need to mention it again in action. Also, TWO DAYS LATER belongs in a SUPER.
Code
VICTOR walks into the room and pulls a box from beneath his
bed and pours the contents out onto the bed, pages and
scraps of pornographic material spill out onto the bed.
You should consider rewording the above. Too many 'ands', too many 'beds'.
Code
VICTOR walks into the room and pulls a box from beneath his
bed and pours the contents out onto the bed, pages and
scraps of pornographic material spill out onto the bed. He
takes a bag out of his coat and pulls more porn out. Leafing
through the pages of smut VICTOR comes across a Polaroid
depicting a zombie woman. He looks guiltily at the door,
then sits down at his desk and studies the picture.
Break your action blocks down into manageable chunks. I got a slight chuckle out of the final sentence though.
Code
VICTOR
(Continued)
You have a camera? That’s a pretty
rare find, funny the person who
finds it should use it in this
manner. I guess we’re just
predictable, us humans, even in the
face of the apocalypse we’re still
finding things to get off to.
No need for (CONTINUED). Also, the second sentence isn't necessary. It's OTN and goes without saying anyway. The viewer will get it.
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VICTOR looks down rejectedly
Dejectedly.
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VICTOR flips the axe and hits ZOMBIE GIRL in the face,
knocking her unconscious.
Zombies are dead. They're not supposed to be conscious to begin with. Being able to knock one out doesn't make logical sense to me.
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VICTOR panics and leaves the room.
That's nice of him.
Over all, I really like this story. You just haven't delivered it as well as it deserves to be delivered. Work on it as this is just ironic enough to turn a producer's head.
I echo the above comments and have a couple of additional thoughts...
Would it not be a greater twist if it was the women who'd survived and were horny and going through this conversation? Would surely be acceptable in a post 50 Shades world?
I think this could be played either a) a lot darker with the end, see the film Dead Girl as an example b) as more comedy, see Zomie Strippers for example
I think this would help make the ending more memorable...
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Porn of the Dead
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