Deep In Your Heart by Manolis Froudarakis (Athenian) - Short, Dark Comedy - The death of a rock star hits his fans hard, but this middle-aged man is not a mourner. 3 pages - pdf, format

You certainly have a knack for twists, Manolis.

I don't see the need for changing between whisper and (V.O), just have it all as (V.O) in my opinion. The (thinks) also isn't necessary. It's easily understandable what type of V.O it is.

Quoted Text Wasn�t falling into my hands good enough for you?

This line doesn't make much sense after we know the twist. Even apart from that it sounds somewhat strange.

Good work. I also just read Who killed Rosa Maria Morales on the front page, apart from the ending scream I liked it. Glad to see someone have a go at the telenovelas. I think you're well on your way as an aspiring sketch writer.

Food for thought: Have you considered releasing your sketches in the series section? There's probably a bigger chance getting your sketches picked up (as a web series perhaps) if there's more than one in the package. Like the one with the italian family and the baby for example, it isn't bad, but it isn't anything seperately. You could always add that a potential producer can pick x and doesn't have to take them all.

- DS

Thanks for the read, DS! I thought it might be confusing if the man was "talking" in V.O. both to the dead singer and the God, but maybe you are right. As for that strange sentence, I'll try to think of something else.

The sketch with the Italian family was written and can only be understood as a faux commercial. "Rosa", on the other hand, has already been filmed (as far as I know) and there's also going to be a stop motion animation version. No complaints. I'm just looking for someone to film it in Spanish.

A compilation of sketches in the series section is a good idea. Perhaps I'll do it in the future.

Again, thanks for your time and your useful suggestions!

Manolis

Nice little story here. Well written.
I agree with DS, the "thinks" and "whispers" are not necessary.

Lee

Hi Manolis

I agree with the thinks and whispers comments. Not needed.

A nice little short with a twist I didn't see coming but it didn't work for me because:

SPOILERS AHEAD

I take it the Man is a surgeon who took the opportunity to kill this rock icon while he was under the knife? An interesting angle and one worth exploring, the only issue is the method used to deliver this shock news.

Autopsies are carried out completely independently from the surgeon involved for very obvious legal and other reasons. They may get a copy of the report but they don't sign off on them. Also autopsy reports take weeks, sometimes months to complete. You have the guy coming in for some emergency, the doctor killing him and then the autopsy all being completed in a single night.  

This story is a good idea, just needs a bit more research and a slightly different method to reveal the twist.

Regards,

Mark

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Hi Manolis I agree with the thinks and whispers comments. Not needed. A nice little short with a twist I didn't see coming but it didn't work for me because: SPOILERS AHEAD I take it the Man is a surgeon who took the opportunity to kill this rock icon while he was under the knife? An interesting angle and one worth exploring, the only issue is the method used to deliver this shock news. Autopsies are carried out completely independently from the surgeon involved for very obvious legal and other reasons. They may get a copy of the report but they don't sign off on them. Also autopsy reports take weeks, sometimes months to complete. You have the guy coming in for some emergency, the doctor killing him and then the autopsy all being completed in a single night.   This story is a good idea, just needs a bit more research and a slightly different method to reveal the twist. Regards, Mark

The man had nothing to do with how the rock icon died, he was just a rambling coroner. That was the twist.

Quoted from DS The man had nothing to do with how the rock icon died, he was just a rambling coroner. That was the twist.

Really?

It seems to me to be open to interpretation.  You could think it was a loony coroner or it could be a surgeon thinking he has a god given right to kill sinners. If I read it that way chances are some of the audience will, especially as the character has the name MAN throughout. So it needs to be clearer unless the intent is deliberately to be vague.

Either way, autopsy reports take weeks - even for famous people. Preliminary reports can be quicker but they are given verbally and usually to the next of kin first.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Really?

I don't know, my version seems really obvious to me. I suppose Manolis can solve this for us!

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Either way, autopsy reports take weeks - even for famous people. Preliminary reports can be quicker but they are given verbally and usually to the next of kin first.

I suppose it could if it happened in a small town where the coroner has very little workload or under other special circumstances requiring a speedy autopsy, nothing to do with the fact if he was famous or not though.

Also who's to say it hasn't been weeks? Those memorial spots could technically stick around for quite some time. I don't really see the issue.

- Hi Lee, glad you liked it! I'm going to fix the "thinks" and "whispers" during the revision.

- Hi Mark, thanks for the read! Like DS said, the joke is that the man is just the coroner who performed the autopsy. He is happy for the singer's death and for having ripped his heart out (during the procedure), but he didn't kill him. As for the autopsy report, I assumed that a preliminary report is released relatively quickly in such cases. That's what happens where I live at least (Greece).

I suppose I'm being picky. The way it was written suggested to me the Doc had been involved in his death and that he'd done the procedure the night before. I bow down to the authors explanation!

Nice twist. Well written aside from the (thinks) stuff. The whispers wasn't a VO so didn't bother me, although I'm the type of writer that would keep the 'whispers' in action.

Thanks, Dustin! Glad you liked the twist. And your comments on script formatting are always useful.

Manolis

Good twist here, I never saw it coming. Although I did wonder why the scene was taking place in a hospital garden. Why the photo was on display like this.

Also, I think you could get more out of it. You could take your time to build it up gradually. Maybe have Man get increasingly worked up, increasingly angry and spiteful, relishing his role in Rock Singer's demise. Get us really believing he's some religious fanatic bringing on the fire and brimstone against the Satan lovers. I liked the angle you took with that but I was still getting to grips with the the scene when the Nurse arrived and Man's real profession was revealed...but this could be just me. It was all over before I could be totally sold, you know.

Even just an extra page of Man's internal ranting and hateful whispering would make the twist all the more effective when it lands.

Col.

Hi Col, thanks for the read!

Your suggestions make sense. I'm soon going to try a longer version - not much longer though, because a guy just standing and thinking in front of a photo can be a little boring.

As for the scene taking place in the hospital garden, apparently the twist could only work if the doctor wore plain clothes, so I thought of this solution. I tried to imply that the singer had been transferred to the hospital before being pronounced dead and his fans set up a makeshift memorial there.

Again, thanks for your time and the useful comments!

Manolis