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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Brightest Star Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Brightest Star  (currently 5189 views)
Don
Posted: September 21st, 2014, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Brightest Star by Lee O'Connor - Short, Drama - Losing somebody you love isn't easy, so look up at the brightest star and remember them. 8 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (8 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  October 1st, 2014, 11:20am
revised draft
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 21st, 2014, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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Well written Lee but wasn't enough meat to it for me and Drama is one of the hardest genre's to do in a micro-short.

Wouldn't mind seeing a longer version with more development of both plot and character.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LC
Posted: September 21st, 2014, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Lee, try 40s instead of (40's) it does the job just as well.

SPOILERS BELOW

His wife MARY lays in bed helpless as a slow decaying illness
takes away her life.


It's 'lies' in bed, btw - present tense, (common mistake) but apart from this you'll do better to actually 'show' us instead of telling us i.e., if Mary has cancer she will probably have no or little hair, sunken cheeks and eyes, pallor/emaciated etc. On screen that's what we'll see - you'd need subtitles otherwise. There's no description really of any of your characters apart from age. That wouldn't worry me too much had you delivered on the ending - more on that later.

'One book is opened, she was once in the middle of reading it'.
You don't need the latter part of that description - once again it's 'telling'. It's enough of a visual that the audience see the astronomy books piled up around her.

I like 'a whisper of a smile... ' that's a nice visual.

'reads her gift' - 'as she reads' is enough - we'll see what it is she's reading.

The thing about micro shorts is that they need to impact on your audience. Your story needs a punchline at the very least. This is a nice sentimental snapshot of three character's lives but it reads more like an advertisement for something - perhaps a funeral service or insurance company - i.e.,  'cherish those special moments' etc. I don't like to be harsh but I was waiting for some kind of reveal or twist or shock but it never eventuated.

You've managed to evoke some nice imagery but you need to give us a bit more of a fully fledged story. One of the hardest parts of storytelling is in coming up with a satisfying ending for your audience - something we don't see coming. I have trouble enough myself coming up with nifty denouements - perhaps someone else, hopefully, will chime in with a suggestion. Keep at it.


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LeeOConnor
Posted: September 22nd, 2014, 2:26am Report to Moderator
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LC and Anthony,
Thank you both for the read and comments.

I was writing this and could see there was something missing but couldn't put my finger on it. Brain freeze I guess. It's obvious now thanks to your comments.  

I've sent a new draft so hopefully it should be up soon.

Many Thanks.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 22nd, 2014, 2:51am Report to Moderator
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I'll wait for the new draft.
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Colkurtz8
Posted: September 23rd, 2014, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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Lee

Sweet but nothing really to it. Usually something this short tend to go for a punch line to surprise, horrify, amuse, etc but this is just about a father and son buying a star for their dying wife/mother..and that’s it.

I didn't know you could do that so I guess I learned something

Not much else to add, sorry.

Col.


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LeeOConnor
Posted: September 23rd, 2014, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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Hi Col,

Thanks for your comments. I have done another draft to this so hopefully it will be posted soon.

Lee
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DS
Posted: September 24th, 2014, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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I read this when it was originally posted, I see a revised draft has been added today. My mind boggles though, looks exactly like I remember it.

As with the posters above, this also falls flat for me. It feels so mediocre that it's bad. As LC said, I can only see this as an advert for something. While it depends on what it would be advertising, it would probably come off as cheap pushing on people's emotions to buy said product/services.

There's definitely something missing. A good chunk of the beginning, I'd say. Maybe lose the micro-short idea and start before the father and son get the idea to get Mary a star? She's getting weaker and weaker, slowly drifting away. Some reason causes one of them to want to do something good for her before she goes. Maybe guiltyness for not being around, shying away from taking care of her unable to cope with her disease, add some conflict. So they look at the sky and knowing her interest in astronomy decide to get a star named after her, perhaps some more conflict there... maybe she starts to fade away before they manage to do that?

Just some ideas there, while I think you need to spice up the story the same is with the dialogue. Try to add some influental memorable lines that stand out? Good luck.

Some nitpicks:


Quoted Text
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT (LATER)


I don't think you do not need the night. If the last scene was night and you put later, that should indicate the time of the day hasn't changed.


Quoted Text
Mary�s eyes slowly open, she
barely has the energy to respond.


Barely has the energy to respond sounds off here as she has no lines of dialogue. Rather just say that she doesn't have enough energy to respond.

- DS
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LeeOConnor
Posted: September 25th, 2014, 1:45am Report to Moderator
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Hi DS,

Thanks for the comment always much appreciated. I have looked at the draft that is posted and I submitted the wrong one, it's missing a scene. Sorry.

However,  this is a simple story of comforting a young child after losing a loved one. Telling him a cute story that his mother will always be watching him.
I don't feel as if i need to add any conflict or more drama to this subject, I think the story should be kept simple to deliver a simple message. This is my memory that I went through . It may not have that punch that everyone is after but for me I really didn't want to over do it.

Lee
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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 25th, 2014, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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I think what's missing here is the earlier description that Mary is ill. There's no hint of that while she's playing with her son on the floor. I think that's the point, isn't it? Mary is terminally ill? I had to double back and read through again, because the way you've written it she suddenly appears ill from nowhere. I honestly feel this needs to be established right away.

Code

James begins to colour black around the globe.


I'm not going to say never use them, but 'begins' and 'starts' are often unnecessary.

I think also that the conversation about the stars should be done solely by the Mother. The Father butting in takes something away from the ending, in my opinion.

Code

nobs


Knobs.

Code

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT (LATER)


No need for the LATER. Especially as this is actually a new night.

Aside from that, it's all good. A nice, sweet little tale. Nice work, mate.
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LeeOConnor
Posted: September 25th, 2014, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin,

Thanks for your comments. Your right, the illness is not obvious and it probably should be, I will work this into the other draft, which is not this one. Thanks for pointing out the mistakes. Your comments are always appreciated.

Lee
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LeeOConnor
Posted: October 2nd, 2014, 3:33am Report to Moderator
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New draft up
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Colkurtz8
Posted: October 4th, 2014, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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Lee

I know you want to withhold the reveal of Mary being ill until the last line on the first page but I wonder could there be some indication in her demeanour of appearance suggesting her ill-health which only becomes fully apparent until that line.

Speaking of that particular line, would Paul say “medication”? I’d imagine they’d have some kind of shorthand way of referring to it by now. A simple “it’s time” or a nod upon hearing his watch alarm. Especially in front of James who probably wouldn’t understand it anyway but still, best to keep that word off his radar as much as possible as he’s gonna pick up on it sooner or later and ask questions.

Again, I understand you want to feed us the reveal of Mary’s illness but I think we can gather this during the subsequent scenes without explicitly saying “medication.”

I liked the inclusion of the drawing and James’s addition of the extra star, a poignant touch.

However, I was a little thrown by the end in that are we to believe Mary just died there and then? If so, why wasn’t James allowed to see where while she was alive? Was this Mary’s request? Not wanting her son to see her so weakened and sickly, thinking it would be too traumatic.

Anyway, I do like the changes you made here, quite touching and sad for a 3 pager which is a credit to your economical storytelling. And once again, who knew you could purchase stars!

Col.


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LeeOConnor
Posted: October 5th, 2014, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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Hi col.

Thanks for the comments, much appreciated as always.

Referring to the word "medication" I did initially just use the short term "meds".
As Mary's illness has not yet taken a toll on her appearance I thought using the whole word would be more clear.

I did also think the beeping sound of the watch might be enough with just pure action to describe the situation but again, I felt words would be more touching and clear.
The situation is blatantly in front of James because I wanted this beeping to come across as a action that has been continuous in the past, I didn't want the parents to be hiding something from their son. They sure didn't with me.

The reason why James did not see his mother at the end was because he was in bed, it's not that he wasn't allowed it was just becasue he was simply asleep.

This is what happened to me very recently, my father had no signs of illness until the last week when he was bedridden, then over night he just passed away. I understand the signs of illness may need to be shown but in reality there wasn't any for me. I wanted to make this 3 pager as accurate as possible.

Lee
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Forgive
Posted: October 5th, 2014, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Lee - gave this a read. I can understand your wish for accuracy, but this does need something more to it.

To make an engaging story you either need interesting events, or you need  to make events interesting, and you've achieved neither here.

You may as well have ditched the script, and simply posted what happened re. you father.

What we need here is someone that we can empathise or engage with, and I'd suggest that would have to be Paul, as he is going on a life changing journey - losing his wife, becoming a single dad, dealing with his son losing his mother -- that's all quite epic to take on board, but I don't feel that we ever really connect with either Paul or his relationship with James.

To be honest, I'd pretty much take Mary out of it, save for maybe a couple of brief references, quick shots etc and focus on the people who are dealing with it all.
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