Thanks for your comments but I feel as if you have missed the message here.

It's a simple story of telling a young boy that your loved ones will always be looking over you.
I don't feel as if I need to go into great depth with characters and how they will deal with the aftermath, it would be unnecessary for this short.

"You may as well have ditched the script, and simply posted what happened re. you father".

This may be true, but then it would just be a story in the paper, why not transform it into a short? Surely events like this inspire writers to write, so I think your wrong there.

Quoted from LeeOConnor Thanks for your comments but I feel as if you have missed the message here.

Hi Lee. No, the message is very simple, but read on...

Quoted from LeeOConnor It's a simple story of telling a young boy that your loved ones will always be looking over you.

I agree, and that is not the problem.

Quoted from LeeOConnor I don't feel as if I need to go into great depth with characters and how they will deal with the aftermath, it would be unnecessary for this short.

I completely agree, and that is not the problem. Here, you have not gone into any depth, and that is the problem. Read on...

Quoted from LeeOConnor "You may as well have ditched the script, and simply posted what happened re. you father". This may be true, but then it would just be a story in the paper, why not transform it into a short?

The question is, what in transforming it into a script gives it something that having read it in a paper, it does not have? There's no doubt that it would draw empathy from readers, but this is the point. You are not adding to the narrative by reforming it in a script form, so where you are not adding to it in this form, why translate it to that form? You gain nothing aside from retelling.

Quoted from LeeOConnor Surely events like this inspire writers to write, so I think your wrong there.

I am correct here, because inspiring writers to write is only part of the journey. The rest is connecting with the people that read. You are wrong because you did not emotionally involve us in the story, and you are holding back from your emotional involvement in what happened. Like it or not, everybody saw how this rang flat. Like it not, everybody saw how you did not emotionally involved us with what happened here. I do not believe that you have emotionally connected with this piece because you have not emotionally connected with the events. Writing ain't easy, because you give of yourself, and that's what you haven't done here.

That is their comments you can see from a previous draft. Why should I go over board on drama on a three page short? Each page gives us something, it may not be exciting or what you may call interesting but enough just to keep you reading.
It's a family losing a loved one, I know you understand that but I feel as if I don't need to show you how emotionally close they all are, that's not the story here. This is simply a message, that is all.

I know not everyone will like this and you are entitled to your opinion so I am grateful for your comments, maybe in the future I will extend this piece.

Lee

Quoted from LeeOConnor Referring to the word "medication" I did initially just use the short term "meds". As Mary's illness has not yet taken a toll on her appearance I thought using the whole word would be more clear.I did also think the beeping sound of the watch might be enough with just pure action to describe the situation but again, I felt words would be more touching and clear.

- I see what you mean. How about just having him saying "It's time" before showing him fetching the medicine? That way its conveyed through action and feels more natural. If you show him getting the medicine you probably wouldn't even need the line, just the watch alarm and subsequent action would be enough. Just a thought.

I'm sorry to learn that this comes from personal experience so you know best on how to approach it, at least from your own perspective and that's what a writer should strive for.

Hi col,

A good suggestion, I'm not gonna lie that idea did cross my mind and now that you have mentioned it, I think it may work better with your suggestion. I think the action of getting the meds rather than saying it will be more appropriate in front of James, which you have mentioned before.

Thanks for your kind words, I will work on this again when I'm not so busy.

Lee

Quoted from LeeOConnor maybe in the future I will extend this piece.

Hey Lee,

It's worth extending. I enjoyed what you have so far, it does hit a sad yet hopeful note. It's difficult to just send a simple message when an audience needs context. It should be easy to write - hell it pretty much writes itself.

You've gotten some really good feedback on how to make this an impact short. We need something that triggers us to feel attached in some way to the characters - good or bad.

Good luck!

Johnny

Thanks for your comments johnny.

I will get back to this in the near future as I think this story deserves and needs more. I have a few ideas floating about so I hope it will have the impact everyone is looking for.

There is not enough hours in the day, so for now it will have to stay as it is.

The brightest star is currently in post production, please take a moment to listen to the soundtrack

https://www.sendspace.com/file/ll02yq

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4226656/?ref_=nm_flmg_wr_4

Thanks

The brightest star is now available to watch on vimeo. Please check it out and let me know your thoughts.

Much appreciated.

Lee

https://vimeo.com/129374340

Hi Folks,

The brightest star has been officially selected into a number of film festivals.

I would like to kindly ask for the people at SS to vote for my project at the top shorts film festival. Here is the link.

http://www.topshorts.net/#!the-brightest-star/c1vtf

Much appreciated and I would love to return the favour if anyone else need a vote.

Thanks.

Done. Good luck.

Cheers Dustin.

Rated.
Best of luck.

Nice one, Thanks mate

Dropped in a vote for you. Good luck, Lee!