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I thought the girls were placed there for cinematic purposes. One culture clashing with another... and virtually at opposite ends of the spectrum. I didn't read anything more into it than that.
- Thanks for the new comments, Col! You do have a point about Rashid's feelings and reaction. Maybe I could try a different version without the fear part (he could still have those flashes of memory before looking at his mother's face). I have to do some thinking first though.
I didn't assume any guilt or shame on Rashid's behalf, since he was separated from his mother (and probably his country) in a very young age. In any case, that would be a different story and script.
Again, thanks for your time and valuable input! Really appreciated.
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- Thanks for clarifying your suggestion, Dustin! Maybe I could use the woman's memories too, I don't know. There are many ideas to think about here.
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- Hi Bill, thank you for the read! Glad you found good the idea, despite the flawed execution. Your comment about the "too many movements" caught my attention - I hadn't thought about that before.
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- Hi CoopBazinga (Steve), thank you for the read and the comment! For an explanation of the script, you can check my first post in this thread.
Like Dustin said, the girls in the ripped jeans are placed there as a contrast to the woman in the burqa. They also serve as an indication that this is a Western country.
"Why is she still...?" = "Why is she still wearing the burqa?"
Anyway, I'm going to change most of these things during the rewrite and try to make the script much clearer. Thank you for the review!
I understand what you are trying to do here but I don't understand what we the reader are supposed to gain from the story.
Although the story is simple and I can visualise everything you are saying, personally I feel that we need more. Maybe going into more detail about Rashid and his mother being separated?
It is slightly unnerving that you felt it necessary to mention that. It's almost like you're asking him for a date without outright asking him for a date.
It is slightly unnerving that you felt it necessary to mention that. It's almost like you're asking him for a date without outright asking him for a date.
Is this a secret dating site that no one has told me about.
The woman's identity was meant to be kept secret until the end, so I couldn't reveal much about her past and her separation from Rashid. However, I'm going to think about your suggestion during the rewrite.
Thanks for the reads on my most recent. Returning the favor.
I mostly write drama, so this was up my alley, so to speak. On page 1 alone, right out of the gate, you have three orphans. You can clean them up easily. I was confused with your intro of a few characters, meaning there seemed to be too many for a four page short so I had to go and read the comments to see if it would become more clear, then I went back and re-read the script. I'm under the impression that if you have to re-read, well, then it needs some work.
This could easily benefit from a re-write, and an extra page or two. I like what you were going for here. I feel this could be a story that just shows the parallel of what Rashid remembered to that of his son, seeing his grandmother for the first time. Are we to believe from the time Rashid picked up his mother from the airport that they did not speak, nor did he see her face even then? I don't know. Sounds a little weak.
Your ending seems to be more about Yarul anyway, and what his reaction might be to this "strange" woman, so much so that Aisha has a talk with him about it beforehand. If Rashid and his mother played "peek-a-boo" with the burqa as a child, perhaps it can come full circle with Yarul taking his father's place in that role?
Some extra dialogue could carry this along, and turn this into a nice heartfelt story. Good luck with it. Good job so far.
I thought the girls were placed there for cinematic purposes. One culture clashing with another... and virtually at opposite ends of the spectrum. I didn't read anything more into it than that.
Like Dustin said, the girls in the ripped jeans are placed there as a contrast to the woman in the burqa. They also serve as an indication that this is a Western country.
That’s fair enough. I obviously watch too much Homeland. I still think it can be misleading, especially as different cultures weren’t the point to this story… I think. Although I take your point about the setting – does he need to take the suitcase out?
Hello coop - where've you been? I was just thinking of you yesterday (non-sexually of course) and then you pop out of nowhere
Hey Si, Thanks for the non-sexual thought. Where have I been? Same place as always, at the bottom of a wine glass. Good to see you back on the boards as well, buddy.
Yarul, as I wrote in a previous comment, "becomes young Rashid when his father places his hand on his grandma's cheek." So my intention was pretty much to do what you're suggesting (a "full circle"). A better execution is what is needed.
As for Rashid driving his mother home without speaking to her or seeing her, I agree that it isn't plausible. Perhaps it would be better if a third person (like an uncle) picked her up from the airport and then called Rashid.
Good thoughts - thanks once again!
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- Hi CoopBazinga! I'm not going to include the suitcase scene in the rewrite - I have some other ideas. Thanks for your comments again!
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That Face I Remember
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