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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Day To Do It Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Day To Do It  (currently 2352 views)
Don
Posted: October 12th, 2014, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Day To Do It by Glenn Doyle (IamGlenn) - Short, Drama, Romance - A taxi driver decides today is the day he'll break up with his girlfriend. 5 pages - pdf, format


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dogglebe
Posted: October 12th, 2014, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
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This script's biggest problem is that it's too short.  You quickly set up the scenario and then hit us with a twist ending.  Something like this needs to be set up more.  You need to develop the characters more so we feel for them (especially Mark).


Phil
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 12th, 2014, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Phil.

This is actually a screenplay I had to write for college. It had to be 5 pages long. I find it very hard to write that short.

I put it up here to get some feedback. I agree with you, the length made it difficult to develop the characters.

Thanks again for the read.

Also, thanks Don for the super quick upload


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 12th, 2014, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Given the requirments for the college piece then I think this works okay... but I'm guessing you can now expand it if you want to develop it further?

On that basis a couple of suggestions.
1) Taxi drivers are often chatty, there's a great opportunity to have some banter between him and the customers.
2) The end is a little telegraphed/obvious, but I do like the idea of his observations changing his mind about the relationship... so maybe do something less obvious... perhaps he could go home and make tea for exmple.

Cheers

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 12th, 2014, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Anthony.

Another thing about this assignment was we had to use as little dialogue as possible. So while the banter would be a good inclusion I couldn't use it. If I decide to expand it though I could definitely use it.

And yeah, the ending may change.

As always, thanks a million for your views.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 13th, 2014, 3:38am Report to Moderator
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Hi Glenn,

A 5 page assignment with very little dialogue - not easy to do but these challenges are fun because they push us in unconventional ways.  I think you were onto something when the Taxi driver was noticing relationships happening all around him. I think a good challenge here would have been to try and convey the story with no dialogue at all.  For example his unhappiness with his girlfriend could have been conveyed with him not answering the phone at all, then receiving a few angry texts which he deletes and maybe even throws the phone out of the window.  This could be a nice little visual piece with some insights into relationships.

The twist seemed to come right out of left field and didn't really work for me though.

Just a little nitpick but try not to write 'starts to' in the action. People don't start to laugh, start to walk, starts to talk; they laugh, walk, talk. If you start to do something and feel the need to write that in the script then by default you need to tell us when they stop don't you?

I hope my notes help.

Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK

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MarkRenshaw  -  October 13th, 2014, 2:34pm
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 13th, 2014, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Mark and thank you for your thoughts.

I thought about doing this without any dialogue but I find this very hard to do. I don't know if it's because I'm still relatively new to this or what? But trying to show things without dialogue is tough for me. So I used as little as I could.

As for the twist, I suppose it would have worked better if the story had been longer. Maybe not though.

And yeah, starts to is a bad one. I must have done it unknowingly.

Cheers man.


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Colkurtz8
Posted: October 15th, 2014, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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Glenn

I appreciate you're drawing parallels and contrasts with Mark’s own relationship with Donna but it seems, during the first three pages anyway, that every time he observes people out his taxi window, they are couples in various stages of strife/reconciliation. What are the chances of that!

After three pages, given that Mark is deciding to end it with Donna and has now knocked off from work early in order to do the deed, she’ll be cheating on him to totally justify his actions (although there is not much of a story in that alone) Of course alternatively, she could be cooking his favourite dinner and wearing sexy lingerie that will make his rethink his decision, if it’s not already too late…reading on…

“He steps out with a big bunch of roses,”

- Is that what people bring when they are breaking up with someone? To soften the blow or what? Or have you misled us into thinking he is dumping her when in fact he’s proposing? Which wouldn't make much sense on the basis of his conversation with Ren.

Reading back I’m thinking now that Mark has done a total 180 when seeing the third couple on the street being affectionate towards one another. Ok, I can get behind that, however, with that in mind it can only lead to one conclusion, Donna cheating on him...

“He runs to the stairs and sprints up them.”

- Jaysus, this guy is sure in a hurry. Between ”jogging” to the front door, “darting” into the living room and now “sprinting” up the stairs. He’s all business this fella!

Ok so you did go with the cheating scenario and with his best friend of all people which, to your credit, I didn’t see coming.

However, it’s pretty unsatisfying on the whole in my opinion, perhaps because of its predictability, although the way you had set it up initially it could only really go one of the two ways I mentioned above. That aside, there isn’t much of story here but rather a sketch that seems all too familiar; guy threatening to dump his girlfriend, sees sense, decides to spoil her…only to find out she’s cheating on him. Nothing original there unfortunately.

I wonder could you do more in the scenes where Mark observes other couples together since these ultimately influence his decisions. Perhaps he has an interaction with one or is more actively involved with their situation rather than just being the passive spectator. That way we will be more invested in Mark's last minute choice to buy Donna roses instead.

Since we see Mark change his mind and buy the roses (which I'll admit I didn't detect at first until I saw him holding them in the next scene), the twist will be anticipated right there by most readers I reckon. So how about keeping Mark’s change of heart until he gets home? Maybe he sees some evidence of Donna’s affection for him (some thoughtful gesture that’s misconstrued for him but is actually for Ren) which inspires a change of heart right before its shattered in the final reveal. That way we don’t get a chance to mull over what is happening and join the dots prematurely as I experienced while reading.

It might be interesting to explore a quick fire back and forth in those final scenes when Mark gets home. In that he enters wanting to break up, has a change of heart before the truth is revealed in Donna and Ren's affair. You could work in some rapid revelations there to keep us guessing until the end, obscure the predictability. Just a thought.

Col.


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IamGlenn
Posted: October 15th, 2014, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Col.

Yeah, I see what you mean about this being unoriginal and probably overdone. I suppose I really just wanted to show how the things going on around him changed his mind in the end but to also throw in the twist.

This was a college assignment and I thought of it pretty quickly and got it written quickly too (probably should have taken a bit more time).

This will be worked on over the next few weeks or maybe even scrapped. I've got a few ideas, one of which will hopefully be filmed for the end of year assignment.

Thanks for your thoughts. Again, very much appreciated.


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