Steve,

I liked the writing, glad to hear you are trying to film. Since we are both Long Island,  I volunteer to play the dead guy in the bed I think I can really nail the part.

You can really blow peoples minds if you change the end reveal to something like this:

She checks her reflection in the mirror, suddenly realizes what she must now do - -  exhales before reaching for the phone on the nightstand... Dials a short sequence...
            
                         MINDY
                    (into phone)
        Hello?   Ya, I'd like to report my husband's suicide.


Tony

Hey Steven,

Nice idea but it felt a little too abrupt.  Perhaps more insight into their relationship would help connect to Mindy a little more.

Will say the false perspective tripped me up a bit.  As far as I could tell we were seeing this through Mindy’s perspective -- so the constant cleaning up after Phil was in her imagination.  That’s your set-up, leading the reader to assume Phil’s alive.  The final reveal though was also a false perspective (if that’s the right term).  Usually one would set-up the other -- seeing Phil dead in the mirror seemed to suggest Mindy’s world was real.  Really there’s nothing here to ground us in reality.  Maybe something to think about -- though maybe I’m completely missing the point?

Again a good idea, think another draft might help smooth out some issues.

all the best,

Steve.

Hey Manolis,

Thanks for the look.

Quoted from Athenian Hi Steven, Also, after returning home, Mindy seems to lose touch with reality and just imagine things (the empty driveway, the new stain next to the empty coffee cup, the plate of eggs etc.). I understand that she is in a state of denial, but it isn't very plausible that she'd even imagine herself making the bed. Perhaps she could just be "seeing" certain things, without participating. Manolis

You're right. She is imagining all if this--empty driveway, plate off eggs, coffee cup, etc. it could be construed as a cheat, but I needed it to get the impact I was going for in the end. The reflection of her husband in the end concludes her break from reality--then the truth.  I'm glad some aspects of this worked for you. Thanks again.

Steve

Hey Col!

Quoted from Colkurtz8 “rolls off some paper towels, cleans the stain... again.” - Why not use the sponge again and save on the paper towels? Sorry, you don’t have to respond to that It just caught my attention.

If you'd like, during the rewrite I'll add the sponge.  

Quoted from Col - I shiver to think what mess he’s left in the bathtub...

Not even gonna touch that one!

Quoted from Col A well crafted and tragic twist at the end, I never saw it coming.

Thanks, man. I suck at reveals and twists, so that's nice to hear.

Quoted from Col However, I did wonder, upon hindsight, where did the new coffee stain and half eaten plate of eggs and toast come from because Mindy only had cereal. I understand the messy bathroom and unmade bed because that was Mindy herself and the dusty hallway can be explained in that manner too but the food and coffee felt like unfair misleading of the reader…unless I’m missing something.

Well, like you said, this is all from Mindy's point of view. So, if the missing car worked, then why didn't the plate of eggs and coffee? Is it a little misleading? Yes. But I felt it fair in regards to Mindy's imagination getting the best of her throughout. I think a little misdirection was the best way to get the story where it needed to go. Hope that makes sense.

Quoted from Col Also, I wondered about the way in which Phil died.

I'm thinking heart ailment or something. Suicide, or something involving his wife never crossed my mind. If I film this, I may have to think more about those pill bottles because I didn't want anyone to think Mindy had anything to do with Phil's death.

Quoted from Col Overall, good job with this, simple, self contained and producible. Not often I come across a script so short that’s able to justify itself. It’s a hard task which is why I don’t write them but this succeeded for what it was.

Thank, Col. Glad this worked for you.

Steve

Col.[/quote]

Quoted from DustinBowcot Great news mate. If you're going to take it seriously you could add a little more story (often this can only mean an extra line or two) and take it to festivals. We're making our second film now and it's an amazing buzz. Probably even better than the buzz I get from finishing (really finishing) a story. Yeah, much greater than that come to think of it. Your father-in-law will have to be the cinematographer, perhaps both work together on the production side of things... maybe also you should seek out a director, you'd be amazed the people willing to work for free on the right project. Pitch them, send them a copy of the script... just like you'd pitch a producer. Maybe even look for some forgotten about actors see if they'd be interested. You never know. Many just like to keep their hand in the game and will do anything to stay on the ladder.

Thanks for the well wishes and advice. I'll let you know how it goes. Just spoke with my father in law tonight, so we'll see...

Quoted from TonyDionisio Steve, I liked the writing, glad to hear you are trying to film. Since we are both Long Island,  I volunteer to play the dead guy in the bed I think I can really nail the part. You can really blow peoples minds if you change the end reveal to something like this: She checks her reflection in the mirror, suddenly realizes what she must now do - -  exhales before reaching for the phone on the nightstand... Dials a short sequence...                                       MINDY                     (into phone)         Hello?   Ya, I'd like to report my husband's suicide. Tony

Thanks, Tony. We should get together one night for a beer!

Sorry, I got myself penciled in as the dead guy.

Incidentally, my original ending did have her calling the police, but I dropped it and cut it short. Didn't seem necessary to go any further with it.

Steve

Steve,

Thanks so much for the read!

Quoted from stevemiles Nice idea but it felt a little too abrupt.  Perhaps more insight into their relationship would help connect to Mindy a little more.

Yeah, I can think of a couple things for that.

Quoted from Steve The final reveal though was also a false perspective (if that’s the right term).  Usually one would set-up the other -- seeing Phil dead in the mirror seemed to suggest Mindy’s world was real.  Really there’s nothing here to ground us in reality.  Maybe something to think about -- though maybe I’m completely missing the point?

It was meant to be that Phil's reflection in the mirror finally brought Mindy - and us - back into reality, seeing as after he supposedly left for work he was nowhere to be seen. Her break from reality occurs when she leaves the house, only to return when she last enters the bedroom.
I hope that explains it a little better 'cause I'm starting to get confused now.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Well, like you said, this is all from Mindy's point of view. So, if the missing car worked, then why didn't the plate of eggs and coffee? Is it a little misleading? Yes. But I felt it fair in regards to Mindy's imagination getting the best of her throughout. I think a little misdirection was the best way to get the story where it needed to go. Hope that makes sense.

- Mmm, I dunno, I think there is a difference between showing the car there and then not because its passive and purely visual, an apparition. With the eggs/toast leftovers and new coffee stain she actually interacts with it, its active. Thus I think it is a little unfairly misleading in making us believe she is sharing the house with someone else. I say this within the context of the script's rules since the other "signs" of Phil are either passive or could be explained by Mindy doing them herself i.e. the dusty hallway, ruffled bed sheets and recently used bathroom.

Anyway, it doesn't really matter as the script will still work without those through the hallway, bathroom and bed sheets. Or you could just have her spot the eggs/toast leftovers and new coffee stain but nothing more...or you could just ignore this pedantic a?shole

Quoted from SAC I'm thinking heart ailment or something. Suicide, or something involving his wife never crossed my mind. If I film this, I may have to think more about those pill bottles because I didn't want anyone to think Mindy had anything to do with Phil's death.

- Like I said, I don't think you need to explicitly tell us, leaving it somewhat ambiguous is fine, let us do some reflecting and speculating of our own. Although, I think most people will assume, due to the pills, that his death was related to that and no foul play or suicide was involved.

Best of luck going forward with this.

Col.

Steven,

okay, I misunderstood the time frame here.  So Phil was actually in the bed and only recently deceased?  For some reason I thought he’d been dead a while and this was the culmination of Mindy’s psychosis in seeing a flashback to his death.  That was my take on it.  

This is probably why I usually steer clear of the psychological stuff...  

Buddy!

First off... flip your freaking avator, it's straining my neck

Second... WTF did I just read!
You know I had to write it

Where are you popping all these short scripts from?
This one makes for another interesting read and to follow in the trend of a few of your shorts... it involves a dead person.

I liked it bro, it did have a slow start and I was wondering where you were going with it, alot of cleaning up after the husband( I thought you were talking to my wife for a moment).

So Mindy is on some form of denial that her husband recently passed. So much so that she is letting him rot on the bed, if she is worried about cleaning I'd do my best to get rid of the body

Another well wrote piece from you Steve... cleaning up after someone else, reminds me of a collaboration

Mark

Quoted from Colkurtz8 - Mmm, I dunno, I think there is a difference between showing the car there and then not because its passive and purely visual, an apparition. With the eggs/toast leftovers and new coffee stain she actually interacts with it, its active. Thus I think it is a little unfairly misleading in making us believe she is sharing the house with someone else. I say this within the context of the script's rules since the other "signs" of Phil are either passive or could be explained by Mindy doing them herself i.e. the dusty hallway, ruffled bed sheets and recently used bathroom.

That's a good point, Col. Never looked at it that way, therefore absolving me of all blame.  
It was my intention to mislead the reader, but not to "unfairly" mislead.

Quoted from Col - Like I said, I don't think you need to explicitly tell us, leaving it somewhat ambiguous is fine, let us do some reflecting and speculating of our own. Although, I think most people will assume, due to the pills, that his death was related to that and no foul play or suicide was involved.

That's good. Speculation is good as well. But to think it was suicide, for me anyway, takes away the meaning of the story; she actually loved her husband very much in spite of how many times she's had to clean up after him.

Thanks again, Col!

Steve

Hey Steve

I quite liked this story but I think you could tighten the descriptions a little, as it some parts were a bit awkward to read.

SPOILERS!!

I gather Phil is dead and has been for a while?

This gives the whole story a kind of eerie feel that Mindy can't let go and move on.  I did wonder about the disappearing car and coffee stains, was it in her imagination?  I was thinking you were going to throw a few flashbacks at the end showing Mindy leaving coffee stains and moving the other car, like trying to keep the routine of her passed husband.

Overall though it was a nice little read and I enjoyed it.

Quoted from irish eyes Buddy! First off... flip your freaking avator, it's straining my neck

Weird. It's right side up on my iphone.

Quoted from Mark cleaning up after someone else, reminds me of a collaboration

We'll see who's cleaning up after who when all's said and done, bro.

Thanks for reading, pal!

Steve

Hey Alffy,

Thanks for the look see!

Quoted from alffy I gather Phil is dead and has been for a while?

It might be conceived that way. But I only imagined him dead for a little while--the course of the night perhaps. In Phil's description I never mentioned him decayed or smelling funny, soo...  

Quoted from Alffy I was thinking you were going to throw a few flashbacks at the end showing Mindy leaving coffee stains and moving the other car, like trying to keep the routine of her passed husband.

Nice idea! I'll have to remember that for something in the future, perhaps.

Quoted from Alffy Overall though it was a nice little read and I enjoyed it.

Thanks! Appreciate the kind words.

Note: After three days of this being posted I sold it! Thanks, Don! And thanks to all the commenters who kept this near the top and visible!

Steve

Quoted from SAC Note: After three days of this being posted I sold it! Thanks, Don! And thanks to all the commenters who kept this near the top and visible! Steve

Congrats Steve, hope it works out well.