I read through the script and the comments to make sure I am not being redundant. My two-cents on the dialogue is that most of it is unnecessary. In this case, the actions and displayed emotions can tell the story. Not much else to add as everyone pretty well covered it. I would like to see it as a short film.

Ian

Quoted from Iancou My two-cents on the dialogue is that most of it is unnecessary. In this case, the actions and displayed emotions can tell the story. Not much else to add as everyone pretty well covered it. I would like to see it as a short film. Ian

Thanks for reading, Ian. Yeah, almost everyone told me the same regarding the dialogue. And I definitely agree. I think the right actress can knock this out of the park through expressions and emotion, with perhaps minimal dialogue only.

Steve

Thanks for the well wishes, Alfy!

Congrats Steve

Anthony

Hey Steve,

Just read this and I haven't read the other comments so sorry if I repeat what others have said.

Mindy talking to herself seemed so odd. I think if you do film this you'll see how unnatural it all is because in general people don't talk out loud when they are on their own, they talk in their head. Most of what she says is unnecessary anyway, we can see her frustrations with her actions. And that's great as the golden rule is show, don't tell.

Then I got to the end and the twist turned it on it's head. Someone in that mental state maybe would talk out loud to themselves! The problem is in waiting until the end to explain to the audience why she's acting so odd you may have lost them, even in this short  space of time.

Silence here could be so much more powerful but that's just my point of view. Have a great time filming this and I hope you enjoy it.

All the best,

Mark

Thanks, Anthony. Continued success to you.

Mark,

Thanks for reading this! Many people pointed out the dialogue is somewhat unnecessary. I agree, and with a good actress the silence could really make this shine as a film, I think. Hopefully, I'll find out soon.

Steve

It was an interesting little short. The ending was unexpected, but there are moments that I believe can be tightened up.

Mindy comes in, already dressed, her day has begun-pg. 1, we know her day has begun as she is dressed and turns off the alarm.
I also may have missed the significance of the car being gone when she returns from the store.

good short though!
Nemo

Nemo,

Thanks for the read, man!

Quoted from nemo Mindy comes in, already dressed, her day has begun-pg. 1, we know her day has begun as she is dressed and turns off the alarm.

Artistic license there. Not too big a deal, I feel, as I was just telling the reader something he/she may not have known.

Quoted from nemo I also may have missed the significance of the car being gone when she returns from the store.

The car being gone was meant to suggest that her husband has left the house, which he hasn't, but she believes he has. In other words, as another commenter said, I was trying to fool the reader... a little bit.

Steve

SPOILERS:
I think the ending IS open to interpretation. Enough so that the reader (viewer) could wonder how long he's been dead. Was he dead when she got up? Was he dead the day before? The week before? It makes it  more fun.

This is why I think you  should keep the dialogue. Talking to herself  (chiding Phil) works as misdirection. It gives things more impact when you switch gears at the end.

I recommend changing the way you handle the car being gone and the plate of eggs, so that  you're not cheating us, even a little.

Quoted from Stumpzian I recommend changing the way you handle the car being gone and the plate of eggs, so that  you're not cheating us, even a little.

Not even a little. There might be another way to do that. I'll have to think on it.

Anyway, thanks for the read. And congrats on your OWC success!

Steve

Just came out of my 6 month hiatus and boy does it feel good. First day back, so it's only fitting I read something new from my ol' pal Mr. Clark.

Reflections: Nice story, bro. Now that I've read it, it has a Psycho feel to it. Looking back, I could imagine Mindy as a deranged lunatic who's off her Meds and oblivious to the fact that Phil lies dead in bed. Every step she takes, complaining about the mess in the house, the other car missing, could easily be her in her own crazy world not knowing it's her own until you reveal her madness at the end. How sick or crazy would it be if maybe you showed Mindy in the bathroom with a bottle of make up, but the make up is not for her, it's for Phil who she touches up his face to appear to her that he looks alive but he's really rotting in bed. Sick I know, but that's how my mind works

Regardless, I like what you have. Dialogue works fine for me, could be more if maybe you added a psychotic angle to the story but either way I like where you took the story. Creepy vibe throughout. Congrats!


Great job, bro!

Dirk

Okay, so i originally didn't get it so i read it two times over and then thought it was suddenly brilliant. but then i read it again, and i didn't get it again....

Who was she cleaning up after? was she showing her life before his death? Was she just hallucinating, reminiscing over the  "good" old days?

Yeah, she must have been just thinking back at all her "problems" but then reality set in that those were better days than the latter. Poor lady.

Overall this was a good script though. I can't wait to read the comments. I would like to see this filmed too.

Dirk!

What is up? Good to see your around again. Been way too long. Thanks, as always, for the read. You do have a sick mind, sir. Nothing like what you said ever crossed my mind. This wasnt meant to be a horror, or creepy. This was a drama, but I do like your suggestions and your way of thinking on this. I guess my mind works the other way.

Hope everything's going well for you, buddy!

Jeanpierre,

Thanks for checking this out. Twice.

Basically, she was so in denial that her husband was dead she "willed" him alive to the point where she saw things that told her he was still alive. That bathtub cleaning, the missing car, that plate of eggs and the stain on the counter.

If you need something of yours read just PM me. That goes for anyone really. Thanks and Happy Thanksgiving all!

Steve