Anthony
The Postman is young, late teens, acne scars still evident
- but not fresh, uniform too starched and new, his first
proper job, first month or two, maybe.
- A lot of unfilmmable speculation going on here. I’m not bothered by it so much but others will be.
“and superficially frail,”
- This struck me as an odd description given he’s 80 years old. And reading on, he is indeed frail all over, inside and out, (hearing, sight, arthritis, balance) so why include “superficially”?
POSTMAN
Jeez.
- Wouldn’t Postman be accustomed to Roy’s carry on by now thus his pikey signature method shouldn’t come as a surprise.
Some serious line spacing going on between scenes, three lines at least! White space is our friend yes but not the needless kind
Good intro to the Roy character nonetheless, your classic ornery octogenarian. Plus you have us wondering why he is so wary about associating himself with this mysterious package.
With verbs like “heads through”, “ambles’ and “deft flicks” describing Roy’s actions (as well as putting his stick to one side) indicate that his frailty was all an act for the postman. Hence the “superficially” mention?
ROY
Bah, bloody rubbish.
- Ok, so he didn’t actually order it. I thought his ignorance of the package was all part of his curmudgeonly distrust of the Postman.
“wanders slowly, unsteadily,”
- And now he’s back to frail old man again. Hard to pin this dude down, eh
IROBOT
Whir, click.
- Is it actually saying these words or just making the sounds?
“a rat in armour, machinating.”
- Ha, I really liked this description.
IROBOT O.S.
Scuttle. Whir. Click.
- So I can presume he is saying these words now?
“Feigns cleaning the skirting again.”
- I’m struggling to see how you visualize the feigning. Some CGI I suppose as opposed to clever editing which would’ve conveyed the effects up to now of the Robot avoiding Roy and essentially being anthropomorphized into a rat.
A couple of chuckles in this as machine turns on man...or was Roy just misinterpreting the iRobot’s programmed vacuuming movements? Initially it was hard to know for sure but as I read on it it’s definitely implied that the circular gadget means treachery! Is out to fu?k with the old man!
I did find though I was getting more amusement out of the turns of phrase you use to describe its maneuvers, which is testament to your writing, rather than the events it was depicting. It was all a bit silly and simplistic, a little too harmless. I remembered reading something similar on the boards recently which featured a wayward kettle that had a few more laughs in it, it pushed the concept a bit further, realized the absurdity and really exploited it.
I feel you kind of pulled back a bit here and perhaps that was your intention, you wanted to keep it light. We got the rat comparison, the pinball antics under the table and chairs which I liked before Roy falls on it. Then his daughter comes home (who takes in the scene remarkably well considering) and it just ends with the prospect of the iRobot not been done quite yet. Like when the prostrate, bullet riddled villain’s eyes spring open as our hero hobble away. Nothing very new there.
A decent concept, could make for an amusing short and to your credit you kept it brief. I do think its lacking a little push in the bizarre direction to fully utilize its potential. Have Roy totally lose his sh?t and destroy the house in his pursuit of it. Get the robot knocking stuff to thwart his efforts, go crazy!
Col