Mirror by Dan DeVoto - Short, Sci Fi - A geneticist has an important message when she travels to meet a research subject cloned from her DNA. 6 pages - pdf, format

Hi Dan - Read the script, my thoughts:

Interesting premise. I think it was well written in overall. Just a few parts that I feel could be strengthened:

I felt like the answer to why Anna wanted to break her out remained unanswered in the script. I think we should see more of the reason why. Maybe she didn't like where her research was going and what was being done by the government after all. Then I believe we should see more of that disdain.

Quoted Text SIMMONS You're the mother of all this. She smiles modestly. SIMMONS I know false modesty when I see it. Your research was key to our breakthrough. It's why we used your DNA as a kind of tribute.

This part felt like forced exposition. It just doesn't seem to fit in the conversation.

I also felt that the actual climax of Anna meeting her clone didn't last long enough, it was too abrupt. There's a lot to work with in that scene and I just think it should be used to its fullest potential.

I think the script could be very good after a few finishing touches in a new draft. Hope you're around the boards, and if you are, hope my feedback helped. Good luck.

Hi Dan,

Nice read and well written. One thing I thought need not be in the script and that was the guard in the car eyeing up Anna, I don't think that is necessary.

Also I felt it ended abruptly, I wanted to read on to get more answers. This maybe a teaser but if it isn't I would recommend continuing the story otherwise it renders completely pointless.

It's tough to be creative nowadays with a clone script as so many movies on the subject are out there, I would like to see something different to what we have seen before.

I hope you continue this.

All the best

Lee

Hi Dan

A few thoughts, juts my opinion of course.

As it stands I don't really get why Dr Beresky wants to kill them all, it's her invention after all... this could do with some beefing up imho.

Simmons dialogue is a little on the nose and 'tells' us too much, it'd be better to get some of the info from what we see.

There's a couple of diaogue sections that read a little off, e.g.
                 SIMMONS
       Are you sure you want to do this?
       No one will think less of you.
There's nothing established to suggest why anyone would think less of her in the first place, so his comment seems a little out of place.

I think there's something in here but needs beefing up a little

Anthony

Hi everyone.  Thanks for your feedback.

DS and Lee -- It's true it ends abruptly, but I wanted it to end on that bittersweet moment, "It was nice meeting you."  "Same."  That's what made it appealing to me, but maybe it needs more buildup somehow.  As for the exposition, I can see now it seems forced and needs work.

Anthony -- Yeah, I definitely see now where it could use some beefing up in those places.

Thanks again, everyone.  Your perspectives were really helpful.

Hey Dan,

An interesting little sci-fi short there. The tagline could do with work as could your action, it all reads a little awkward. There's lots of orphans, which basically means you end a lot of action blocks with one word on the next line. This is frowned upon as it takes up precious space. It's not so important in a script as short as this but worth trying to make your action leaner for the practice so you get into the habit of doing this as standard.

The first page is an unnecessary set-up. Again in a longer script such 'filler' scenes are required but in a short you want to get to the story as quickly as possible; hook the audience in with the first page, then make them yearn to turn to the next.

As has already been pointed out Simmons sounds like Mr Exposition! If you need a character to explain aspects of the story revaluate the script and see if you can get most of it across visually and/or make the dialogue sound more natural.  

Also the abrupt ending has been mentioned by others and I agree. It's too abrupt. We don't know what her motivations are, why she's doing what she's doing or what the endgame is so it feels like an incomplete story.

I do agree there's potential here and I'd encourage you to keep going with it.

Best of luck,

-Mark