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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Phil and the Kettle - Filmed! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Phil and the Kettle - Filmed!  (currently 4323 views)
Don
Posted: November 14th, 2014, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Phil and the Kettle by Greg Thomson - Short, Comedy - A man is terrorized by his sadistic kettle. 11 pages - pdf, format

++++++++++++++
Filmed as "The Coffee Maker from Hell"


The Coffee Maker from Hell from Jeasley on Vimeo.



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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 17th, 2016, 2:00pm
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Pale Yellow
Posted: November 14th, 2014, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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OMG what a simple little story but I love it. This would be super easy to film too! Really enjoyed reading this!

Great job writer!
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DS
Posted: November 15th, 2014, 12:20am Report to Moderator
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Hi Greg - Just read the script, my thoughts:

This was a really fun and enjoyable read and I'm trying to fully like it, but I can't. The premise is bugging me and dragging down everything else that's great in the script. Why wouldn't he just throw the kettle away from the get-go? I don't think the story will work unless you establish a reason for this, looks like a huge plot hole to me.

Other than that I don't have any negative things to say about the story: It was fun, it was fresh, it had some great lines - my top 3 being:


Quoted Text
Greg,
it seems you were right when you
said my over-reliance on coffee
would come to no good.



Quoted Text
WORKER
Stop what, sir?

PHIL
... the mind-games?

WORKER
Uhm...I have to go, my boss needs
me.



Quoted Text
Concerning the kettle,
UNPLUG THE FUCKING THING!


The writing is good, but there a fair amount of action lines that don't really warrant a new action line. You could drop at least 2 pages off the script.


Quoted Text
Surrounded by candles, Phil takes a shower.

A cold shower.

He flinches and shivers as he gets under the cold water.


could easily work just as:


Quoted Text
Surrounded by candles, Phil flinches and shivers under a cold shower.


I don't see how 3 seperate lines are of any benefit here.

In my opinion, if you add a good reason to why Phil couldn't throw the kettle away, then you've got a fantastic low budget short here. Best of luck with it.
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GregT
Posted: November 15th, 2014, 2:24am Report to Moderator
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Pale Yellow - Thanks for the kind words.

DS - Thank you for the read, your points are valid, but I feel I can give a genuine explanation as to why I went the way I did.

Concerning the kettle - The tone of the short is not of a realistic ilk. It's about a sentient kettle, so in my opinion, realism isn't the main requirement here. And as you would have seen, I address the ridiculousness of the situation when the letter from Greg arrives. Greg tells Phil to do the obvious thing, the thing that anyone reading the script would be thinking - unplug the kettle.

You might think that's a bit cheeky, a bit too wry or knowing, but it's a stylistic choice, and overall, it adds to the surreal tone of the script.

Action lines - You could be right, but I think we screenwriters can allow ourselves some extra lines for the sake of impact, pacing, and controlling how the reader reads the script. That said, it wouldn't surprise me if I overcooked them somewhat.

Although I've offered replies to your points, I don't necessarily believe them. I'll have a think over it. I'm not in love with the script or anything, in fact, my evaluation of it changes day by day.

Thanks for the feedback. Much appreciated. This is my first time on the site. I'm interested to know what other people think of it too.
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DS
Posted: November 15th, 2014, 3:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from GregT
Pale Yellow - Thanks for the kind words.

DS - Thank you for the read, your points are valid, but I feel I can give a genuine explanation as to why I went the way I did.

Concerning the kettle - The tone of the short is not of a realistic ilk. It's about a sentient kettle, so in my opinion, realism isn't the main requirement here. And as you would have seen, I address the ridiculousness of the situation when the letter from Greg arrives. Greg tells Phil to do the obvious thing, the thing that anyone reading the script would be thinking - unplug the kettle.

You might think that's a bit cheeky, a bit too wry or knowing, but it's a stylistic choice, and overall, it adds to the surreal tone of the script.


You've sold me. I get what you had in mind now and that works well, so I admit defeat.


Quoted from GregT
Action lines - You could be right, but I think we screenwriters can allow ourselves some extra lines for the sake of impact, pacing, and controlling how the reader reads the script. That said, it wouldn't surprise me if I overcooked them somewhat.


I agree. The style justifies itself well, but that doesn't mean you couldn't still cut lines for a better flow. In my opinion it's one of those things that has a big effect when used sparingly. Otherwise it takes up too many lines and loses its actual meaning of emphasis when it's really important. For example I think it works very well here:


Quoted Text
Moments later it opens again -
- and in goes the Kettle-Mate too.


But you can indicate that without needing another line plenty in other locations:


Quoted Text
Phil stands outside the kitchen window looking in.

He pops his head up and looks at the kettle. Then ducks back
down again.

He springs back up, looking again at the kettle.

No movement.


Phil looks at the kettle through the kitchen window. (The slug already indicates he's outside)

He pops his head up, back down, up again. No movement.


Quoted Text
Phil sits huddled on the couch, wrapped in clothes and
blankets.
He tries to read a book by candle-light.


Phil huddles on the couch, wrapped in clothes and blankets, trying to read a book in candle-light.


Quoted Text
He sees the kettle.

He sees the fresh cup of coffee that waits for him.


He sees the kettle, then the fresh cup of coffee waiting for him. (It flows better if you merge it.)


Quoted from GregT
Although I've offered replies to your points, I don't necessarily believe them. I'll have a think over it. I'm not in love with the script or anything, in fact, my evaluation of it changes day by day.


You don't have to believe them. No one will fuzz over it and no one knows your story better than you. It's just feedback and it's all simply an opinion, which could easily be wrong. It's always up to you to think through the feedback, whether it's right or wrong for your script and whether to use it or not. We're all here to get better as writers and hopefully help each other on the way. If you don't agree with the feedback, then you don't. No need to justify it further with comments such as "I'm not in love with the script or anything" imo.

Welcome to SS by the way! I look forward to seeing more of you around the boards.
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GregT
Posted: November 15th, 2014, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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DS -  All fair points, but you misunderstood me when I said I wasn't in love with it. I wasn't saying I didn't agree with your feedback. I was saying that even though I offered ripostes to your points, that doesn't necessarily mean I believe in them.

As in, just because I can think up an answer to a criticism doesn't make my answer true.

But that's a whole different discussion.

Thanks for taking the time to give me some feedback. If you have anything you want me to cast an eye over, give me a shout.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: November 15th, 2014, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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We should get your kettle, my robot vacuum and AI fridge together - house would be a death trap

Liked this though, my only niggle (and I'm not a kettle expert), but most modern, plug in, kettles don't whistle.

Quick couple of picky bits
- trods - not sure if right tense/context but read a little off.
- cackles - did you mean crackle?
- It’s already got into the electrical circuits. - Reads a little formal, maybe - It's already in the electics?
- Not sure of the formatting etiquette, but when you go back to his VO is it worth re-stating that he's also still writing the letter (like in your first slug), just so it's clear they are both still happening?

Also, and I know it's an unfilmable, but the following made me chuckle...
The kettle chooses to stay silent, but you can tell that it’s beaming with pride.

Overall, fun short though, really liked it,

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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GregT
Posted: November 15th, 2014, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

Thanks for the read. Glad you liked it.

You are absolutely right about the whistling of the kettle, that's just something I chose to ignore in the heat of writing it, since the whistle of a kettle is just a great (and maybe the only) way to have a kettle 'speak', or make any noise whatsoever. Actually, I don't know for sure, but I would bet that there is some kind of modern kettle with a whistle function out there somewhere, to let people know when it has boiled. (Just did a quick google - they seem to be very much a thing)

Trods - Might be exclusive to British-English, but it is a proper word.
Cackles - Seems fine to me. Cackling laughter. The fat cackled in the pan.

I will think over your dialogue suggestion. I think the thing that suffers most in a first draft is the dialogue, so if I ever rewrite it I'll need to polish up the dialogue anyway.

The little unfilmable you mention is an indulgence, and I'm glad you found it funny. Although it does serve a purpose in terms of a tonal suggestion.

Thanks again for the feedback, Anthony.

Greg
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Pale Yellow
Posted: November 15th, 2014, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Greg if you haven't read Anthony's AI frig script ...YOU NEED TO...omg I loved that one too!!! I forgot who wrote it until I read this post but it was awesome like your kettle story!
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GregT
Posted: November 15th, 2014, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Just gave Fridge Feeder a read. Liked it very much. Maybe 'kitchen appliance horror' is a new sub-genre.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: November 15th, 2014, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the kind words (again) Dena, and thanks for reading it Greg, glad you liked... hopefully it'll film well.

Love the idea of the new sub-genre, bagsy washing machine

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 16th, 2014, 8:01am Report to Moderator
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Hey Greg

Had a quick look last night, alas no notes.

If we were being purist about this there are superfluous lines and unfilmables, but you keep them limited and it does the script a tone.

One comment I would have is that I felt you start in the second act. I often feel the best shorts still have a kind of structure even though short. Here we would have the why, followed by the problem, followed by the resolution.

I appreciate the 'arrive late' essence of scripts, but here we're not given any background or cause. For example, he could have got the kettle from a second hand sale, or a skip as it was being dumped. He rescued it and now it loves him etc

many other options

Hope it gets filmed

Cheers


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GregT
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Reef Dreamer,

I'd have to agree with you there. I wrote this in the heat of the moment, in about an hour and a half, and it was never meant to go anywhere. It was purely to amuse my friend, Phil. I uploaded it here because it was my most recent completed work.

If I did decide to rewrite this, I'd most likely add an opening of some kind.

Thanks for taking a look. Your comments are appreciated.
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Kyle
Posted: November 16th, 2014, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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Really liked this. I genuinely felt sorry for the kettle in the end (something I thought I'd never say). An alternative title could be 'Boiling Point', not that there's anything wrong with the one you've got.  Good job.
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GregT
Posted: November 17th, 2014, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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Kyle-92,

Cheers mate. I never even had a title until I came to upload it to this site. That was just a rushed attempt. Couldn't be more basic, to be honest.

Let me know if you want me to read anything of yours. Same to anyone who commented here. It's my day off tomorrow, so if I'm not writing I'll be reading.
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