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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Pieces Moderators: bert
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  Author    Pieces  (currently 2681 views)
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: December 8th, 2014, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SAC
Still on her first cup of coffee. I never liked asides. I'd use them in my earlier scripts but found them to be too cutesy to work well. I use asides now, but mainly when it's to further a character description or to help explain a mood in a particular scene. I use them sparingly, and try to make sure they don't sound like I'm trying to be too clever. Man, I hate that.


I'm kind of a sadomasocist when it comes to asides, so don't get me started lol! You're right though, if you can further the character or set the tone without sacrificing an image, then why the hell not, right? However, the first cup of coffee doesn't really add to her character or a pitch for the script.

I can't wait to read the rest of your bunny OWC. That kind of creepy shit is legit!
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Colkurtz8
Posted: January 10th, 2015, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Steve

FISCHER
What is it, mommy?

- This is a somewhat arbitrary remark I know but we often see this line in films, TV shows, cartoons, etc and always wonder why they ask it and not just do what Clara says i.e. Open the fuc?king thing and see for yourself! That’s the whole point of a wrapped gift!

CLARA
He is smiling.

“Fischer whips around, flashes a goofy grin, right back to
tearing paper. Too quick for a good shot.

Jake groans, gets to his feet. He takes a box from beneath the
Tree and returns to Clara.”

- I like that subtle indicator of tension between the two. Already we get the sense that Jake is the pushy father, always wanting everything to be perfect, idyllic.

CLARA
Can't wait to see what this one is.

- Ok, on the flips side, this is a not-so subtle hint that their relationship is strained.

JAKE
It's bagless, you know? Wind tunnel.

- Ha.

CLARA
Ooooh...
(beat)
I thought you were quitting.

- His job? Buying predictable, boring (if practical) gifts? I’m sure we’ll find out...

Ah, cigarettes, I see.

“the dawning of a beard only a teenager could grow”

- Good description.

JAKE
I just want the boy. That's all.

- Meaning: You can do what you want to my ungrateful bit?h wife, right?

"He angles it at Tyler. Confident. Steely-eyed. He's done this
sort of thing before."

JAKE
Drop your weapon. Do it now.

- Why not shoot him straight away? The law says he’s got the right. Hell of a risk to take, police officer or not.

CLARA
Why on earth are you here, sir?

- Would she address their would-be intruder as “sir”, show him that courtesy? I doubt it frankly.

TYLER
They laid me off. Been about a month
now. I... I didn't wanna ruin
Christmas for my family. I've put them
through so much already... I thought I
could...

- I’m not being facetious here but if you wanted to provide for your family on Christmas why would you wait until Christmas day to go looting? He’s left it late hasn’t he? It’s almost like people who leave shopping until Christmas Eve. Plus, how would Tyler explain his absence during that day of all days to his family?

TYLER
Your boy? Is he..?

Clara presses her lips together, acknowledges.

- Clara is very quick on the uptake here in knowing what Tyler is referring to. Has she been watching him eye the board game and anticipated the query? Maybe this should be specified.

JAKE
What are we havin' a conversation
here? I think it's time we left.
There's gonna be alot of paperwork.

- I’m glad Jake is here to break up this all too comfortable bonding moment between Clara and Tyler. The coincidence of them both having children with similar conditions (autism?) is a bit of a stretch but I’m willing to go with it just to see where you’ll take it.

While I’m enjoying the turn it takes on page 11 and 12 with disgruntled husband and wife unloading their unwanted gifts onto Tyler, it does seem tonally out of step. I mean, its gone full comedy here while up to now it’s been pretty serious.

TYLER
Maybe we should just be off, sir...

- I know you want to portray him as not a bad, just-down-on-his-luck kinda guy but I wish he wasn’t so meek/apologetic and had more of an edge about him. For example, with Jake and Clara offering him all this stuff, he should just keep his mouth shut and hope for the best.

CLARA
You give those to your wife now. And
take care of that boy of yours, okay?

- So is Tyler actually holding all the stuff they’ve proffered him; coffee maker, boxers, soda machine, etc?

JAKE
Don't... say anything. You'd probably
make me wanna put these back on you.

- Agreed. Tyler ought to shut up.

“He clears his throat, takes a knee.”

- What does “takes a knee” mean? To get down on one knee?

Jake opens the car door, pushes Tyler's head down.

JAKE
Sorry. Habit.

- Nice touch, funny too.

So are we to assume that Jake is not only not taking him to jail but is actually going to drive him home? Wow, Christmas really does bring out the best in people

I wonder do we need the contrivance of both Tyler’s son and Fischer having the same condition? The piece would still work fine without it…or maybe Tyler’s kid as a different illness if you really want to generate that sympathy for his plight.

Overall, this has some nice moments and I have to appreciate the hopeful, humanistic tone to it; the belief that people can forgive, change and take stock depending on the circumstance when it’s easier to just go by the book. Do I personally believe it, that Jake would have a change of heart like that? I’m not so sure, which probably says more about me than the script but that’s just my outlook.

I do think Tyler got off too lightly though. He was portrayed as the victim by the end which I have problems with. I mean, he got done for a D.U.I. what’s his excuse there, that’s not cool in anyone’s book regardless of whether he is off the drink now or not. Also, why is he so hard up for cash, what’s the problem, why can’t he provide for his family?

All we find out is that he’s ex-military and has been discharged but not much more. We can assume he is suffering from some sort of PTSD but it’s all a bit vague that it could just as easy be a sob story he’s feeding them. As a result, it’s difficult to really understand his side of things and an even bigger leap of faith for Clara to essentially forgive him on the spot because of the son factor without finding out more about his situation. Surely she would’ve wanted to know some specific details in order to fully empathise with him.

Maybe they could probe him on this, express their incredulity before he produces a bad scar or a military tattoo to prove it. Basically some tangible evidence that he has literally “been through the wars”

Then again, I appreciate that Clara is siding with Tyler more to go against her husband than out of compassion for him.

Fischer presenting the drawing at the end really pushed my warm and fuzzy barometer threshold to the max but perhaps you earned it, I'm still wrestling with that.

Tonally, as I already says, it oscillates dangerously between serious melodrama and humour but the latter works rather well when it takes precedence. The central scene of Jake and Clara giving away their gifts to a perplexed Tyler, not so much out of charity but rather to spite one another, is well done.

Col.


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SAC
Posted: January 24th, 2015, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Col,

Thanks for the read, sorry for the delayed response. So, so much BS these days...


Quoted from col
Steve
FISCHER
What is it, mommy?

- This is a somewhat arbitrary remark I know but we often see this line in films, TV shows, cartoons, etc and always wonder why they ask it and not just do what Clara says i.e. Open the fuc?king thing and see for yourself! That’s the whole point of a wrapped gift!


Good point. I guess it's in there for exactly that reason -- we do see it all the time, and here is one  more example of that!


Quoted from col
  JAKE
I just want the boy. That's all.

- Meaning: You can do what you want to my ungrateful bit?h wife, right?


Haha!


Quoted from col
  He angles it at Tyler. Confident. Steely-eyed. He's done this
sort of thing before."

JAKE
Drop your weapon. Do it now.

- Why not shoot him straight away? The law says he’s got the right. Hell of a risk to take, police officer or not.


He didn't shoot him right away because he had noticed that all Tyler had was an airsoft gun. That's why he approached him as confidently as he did. He knew better.

CLARA
Why on earth are you here, sir?


Quoted from col
  TYLER
They laid me off. Been about a month
now. I... I didn't wanna ruin
Christmas for my family. I've put them
through so much already... I thought I
could...

- I’m not being facetious here but if you wanted to provide for your family on Christmas why would you wait until Christmas day to go looting? He’s left it late hasn’t he? It’s almost like people who leave shopping until Christmas Eve. Plus, how would Tyler explain his absence during that day of all days to his family?


I do it this way because if I do it any other way then I don't have much of a story!

TYLER
Your boy? Is he..?


Quoted from col
Clara presses her lips together, acknowledges.

- Clara is very quick on the uptake here in knowing what Tyler is referring to. Has she been watching him eye the board game and anticipated the query? Maybe this should be specified.


Good point. Thanks.


Quoted from col
  While I’m enjoying the turn it takes on page 11 and 12 with disgruntled husband and wife unloading their unwanted gifts onto Tyler, it does seem tonally out of step. I mean, its gone full comedy here while up to now it’s been pretty serious.


One of my other shorts was filmed, and it was pretty serious, but there in the middle was a dab of comedy that broke things up. The readers here didn't like it, but the guy who filmed it did. So much so that he asked for me to extend the scene! I guess it's all personal preference there.




Quoted from col
CLARA
You give those to your wife now. And
take care of that boy of yours, okay?

- So is Tyler actually holding all the stuff they’ve proffered him; coffee maker, boxers, soda machine, etc?


Well, at that point Tyler's still in handcuffs, and there is not mention of who's carrying this stuff. Good call on that.



Quoted from col
He clears his throat, takes a knee.”

- What does “takes a knee” mean? To get down on one knee?


Yes.




Quoted from col
  Then again, I appreciate that Clara is siding with Tyler more to go against her husband than out of compassion for him.


That, I was hoping, would be enough...  


Quoted from col
  Fischer presenting the drawing at the end really pushed my warm and fuzzy barometer threshold to the max but perhaps you earned it, I'm still wrestling with that.


Now that kinda thing is a bad habit of mine. wouldn't be the first time I've used a picture drawn by a child and I suspect it won't be the last either.

Thanks so much for the review, Col. You raise some interesting points that have been duly noted. I always appreciate your in depth, thoughtful insights. Thanks!

On another note, although I did not comment -- bad on me -- I did read your short Broadcast and rather liked it. This was a few months ago. Like I've mentioned before, your writing is very assured and confident. You definitely have talent. I can still see café, the snow, and the  men taking away the crazy girl  in the street from another short of yours.

Thanks again,

Steve



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Colkurtz8
Posted: January 24th, 2015, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SAC
On another note, although I did not comment -- bad on me -- I did read your short Broadcast and rather liked it. This was a few months ago.


- No problem and as you would've seen from it I'm partial to some warm and fuzziness too, although I always intended that ending not be as positive as it may outwardly seem. Thanks for taking the time with that.


Quoted from SAC
I can still see café, the snow, and the  men taking away the crazy girl  in the street from another short of yours.


- Shhh, I may be posting that one soon

Anyway glad you got some use out of my notes on your script.

Col.


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