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A Radical Design by Patrick King - Short, Horror - After his girlfriend claims to have seen God, Lenny has a terrifying vision that leaves him trapped in a prison of his own creation. 7 pages - pdf, format
Hey Patrick, gave this a quick read, just my opinion of course.
1) Your copyright date needs amending, unless you are visiting us from the future 2) There's a few typos that are worth tidying up, e.g. pg 1 'starting' should be 'staring'. 3) You can lose the top and bottom page CONTINUED, there should be a setting in your software to switch this off. 4) Story, I like the idea of a demon and alternate universe connected by a painting but I didn't really understand why or how we got there - there seems to be a logic gap. 5) The end left me a little perplexed too, not sure if I'm supposed to think it's a dream, or if it's a reality why she's back but he appears not?
I like the premise--a painter puts a demon on canvas and the demon comes to life. Perhaps a better aim of the demon is to use the painter, not imprison him, or did I miss part of the story. Reality and fantasy appear mixed which can be powerful, especially if the demon replaces the painter.
Thanks for the read, guys. Damn those typos! Six drafts and I still miss some.
I'm sorry the ending was perplexing. I like an occasional ambiguous ending and wanted this one to be a little surreal, with an ending that lent itself to multiple interpretations.
Anthony, I believe you've commented on all the scripts I've posted. I appreciate this very much, so I'd like to send you a copy of my novel. Just e-mail me your address.
Love the idea of one person having a vision of God and the other the Devil.
The atmosphere and tone you created really grabed me in parts.
I didn't comprehend any meaning, personally. I think it could do with being either MORE surreal and poetic, or have a more grounded story..one of the two.
I'd go for the latter personally.
I liked how the two people wanted some experience deeper than themselves, I just didn't get a feeling of how it mattered to the story.
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A Radical Design
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