SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 10:00am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Hero Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 13 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Hero  (currently 2669 views)
Don
Posted: December 12th, 2014, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Hero by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - A dweeb hires someone to pretend to be a mugger. 10 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
DustinBowcot
Posted: December 13th, 2014, 3:54am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I think Cory needs to be more of a dick for this to work. At the moment I'm struggling to see any type of message here. Doesn't work for me as is. Well written though.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 24
DS
Posted: December 13th, 2014, 6:47am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
359
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hey Richard:

I think the logline doesn't do the script any favours. It's small and empty, not really doing too well to pull everyone in. "someone" is the main culprit imo. It's not enough for one of your main characters and just sounds strange. Coming into this blind I wouldn't except anything good from the logline.

You got my attention from page 1 with the "the men and
women who work, drink, sleep, and work some more." description and was pulled in from "the yanks are ahead." dialogue.

I thought the character-work was the strongest aspect, the dialogue was interesting and both of the characters popped off the page. I felt like the dialogue was at its weakest on page 5 and the exchange from there up to the alley scene could use a polish. Maybe it started to drag a bit or an information overload, I don't know, I simply wasn't as engrossed in it anymore.

Nevertheless I was eagerly awaiting for the twist and it delivered.

I disagree with Dustin. It works if Cory's a character who's interesting and it's easy to relate to/care for him. I'd say that he is at the moment. The message could be: "Don't do stupid shit to impress your date"? . Don't think this one needs a "strong" message, it works well as an entertainment script.

I didn't focus on the technical stuff, but one action line stuck out like a sore thumb to me:


Quoted Text
Crossing the alleyway come Kyle and AMY, as pretty as Kyle
described her, wearing a skirt.


If it was describing her attire in overall, like a fancy dress, I could see it. Right now the wearing a skirt part just looks odd, forced and unnecessary there.

Good job. I enjoyed the read.

Revision History (1 edits)
DS  -  December 15th, 2014, 11:00am
Oh. I missed something in the script. Fixed.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 24
Reef Dreamer
Posted: December 13th, 2014, 8:13am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Hi

Had a quick read, not much in the way of notes as I'm on a phone.

A worthy read.

Punchy finish but has the opportunity to be a little more.

I would agree that if you developed the theme a touch eg the unpredictable nature of life it could feel stronger. Best laid plans to wrong

Perhaps use the game as a metaphor . Eg cory tells him someone made a mistake which led to a team being I the lead. Also suggest that the girlfriend can also handle herself so he's trying to impress her - will explain the ending.  Just thoughts



My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 24
DustinBowcot
Posted: December 13th, 2014, 9:45am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I didn't relate to Kyle's character at all. Even less so when an innocent working man was killed because of his plan. For me, it made Kyle the antagonist, which, I'm sure wasn't the aim.

Revision History (1 edits)
DS  -  December 13th, 2014, 10:00am
Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 24
DS
Posted: December 13th, 2014, 9:58am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
359
Posts Per Day
0.10

Quoted from DustinBowcot
I didn't relate to Cory's character at all. Even less so when an innocent working man was killed because of his plan. For me, it made Cory the antagonist, which, I'm sure wasn't the aim.


Cory was the working man. You got the names mixed up and my comment was based on that. Yeah, I get your point if you meant the other guy.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 24
DustinBowcot
Posted: December 13th, 2014, 10:01am Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from DS


Cory was the working man. You got the names mixed up and my comment was based on that. Yeah, I get your point if you meant the other guy.


Kyle, Cory... meh. That's another error. Never use similar sounding names. It can cause confusion.

Thanks for the catch, by the way.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 24
LeeOConnor
Posted: December 14th, 2014, 7:29am Report to Moderator
New



Location
UK
Posts
148
Posts Per Day
0.04
I have to agree with Dustin on this, Cory needs to be more of a hateful character, I kinda felt sorry for him at the end.

Cory seems to be having a bad day anyway drinking alone at the bar then it gets worse by getting shot. I feel he should be more abusive towards Kyle, maybe play on the fact that Cory thought he was getting hit on by Kyle a bit more, or Tell Kyle to man up and stop being a pussy, something along those lines maybe?

Either way it was a nice read and well written.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 24
RichardR
Posted: December 14th, 2014, 11:57am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
Thanks all for the comments.  I appreciate them.

Kyle and Cory are too close as names.  One will be changed.  Good call.

The theme of this might be that one shouldn't try to be something he isn't.  Cory is one of those people who work, drink...and need money.  Kyle is a man who doesn't believe he's macho enough to earn his woman.  I admit, Cory seems to get the short end of the stick.  He didn't bargain for death, but he did opt to become a criminal or seem a criminal.  

In any case, this one needs a bit of rewrite in order to ramp up the differences and the motivations.  

Thanks much.

Best

Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 24
DustinBowcot
Posted: December 14th, 2014, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I disagree. He opted to help a guy out for monetary return. That's not a crime. The real dick in all of this is Kyle. He should be the one that suffers for the stupidity of instigating it all in the first place. He hasn't learned anything aside from... oops, poor Cory. Bye. Story is meaningless like that.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 9 - 24
RichardR
Posted: December 14th, 2014, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
You make a point.  Cory doesn't deserve to die, but that's the risk he takes.  Amy isn't in on the deal. Or it could have been a passerby. Not everyone knows that the mugging is supposed to fail. Kyle fails also. He has become even more of a wimp.

No winners here.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 24
DustinBowcot
Posted: December 14th, 2014, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from RichardR
Cory doesn't deserve to die, but that's the risk he takes.  Amy isn't in on the


It is not the risk he takes as he wasn't aware death was a possibility. If Kyle had said... but there's a chance you might die, as you are pulling off a mugging... and he still decided to do it after that then that would be the risk he took... all good. He didn't even consider gettign arrested for it, which would have been a concern that he didn't bring up. Obviously they would need to do it in a quiet place.

I get the message you are trying to deliver, it is just hampered by the guy's death. Maybe a better twist would be to have the gf turn out to be a cop. She stops and arrests Cory, ready to take him to the station. Cory loses because he gets beat by a girl... Kyle loses because she's bound to find out the truth during the police interview. The winner here needs to be the girl, IMO.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 11 - 24
RichardR
Posted: December 14th, 2014, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
Of course, Cory doesn't consider death. If he did he wouldn't do the deed. The audience doesn't consider it either which makes the reveal more powerful. If it's part of the contract there's little surprise.

But the possibility is set up--I think. Amy is the daughter of an avid hunter. She might well know guns through and through. The bar is a blue collar one in a blue collar neighborhood. Would one expect a modicum of crime?  I would. Kyle did which is why he's there and not in some upscale place. If I make all this explicit, I lose part of the surprise. A hint ishould be enough

In any case thanks for the thoughts.

Best

Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 24
DustinBowcot
Posted: December 14th, 2014, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



If you mean would I expect to see a modicum of crime as just an innocent bystander happening to walk by a blue collar bar, then no, I wouldn't. In my experience, criminals hide their crimes. It helps prevent them getting caught. They don't just mug someone in the middle of the street because a modicum of crime is to be expected.

Kyle is there because he believes he can find somebody in need of money badly enough to help him out. He's not looking for anyone to commit a crime.

The way that I see it... some rich dick walks into a bar, he's a dick because he needs to pay a guy to pretend to mug him just to impress a girl. Which is stupid. Only an idiot would do that. A smart man would take the idiot's money. Then the poor guy who's doing the favour ends up dead. The moral of your story... don't help rich dicks that walk into a bar or you could end up dead. You believe it's powerful, I believe it is weak.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 13 - 24
RichardR
Posted: December 14th, 2014, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
The story wasn't made up from whole cloth. Guys do arrange fights in order to impress a woman. Usually it's some bud who accosts the girl so her date can be a hero. I just raises the stakes. Men do incredible things to gain a woman.

Yeah, the rich dick is trolling for someone who will fill the bill. He has to find someone his girl won't recognize in a place where a mugging is believable. He does. It doesn't work out as people think it will, and that's a surprise, a good thing. If Cory had simply taken the money he woul no longer ba a sympathetic character. He'd be a thief. Is there a moral?  I don't know. Cory is not doing a favor because he's getting paid. He simply got a whole lot more than he anticipated. So did Kyle. He just saw his gf kill a man without much thought or empathy  moral?  Got me.

Best

Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 24
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006