SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 1:41am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Music To My Ears Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 11 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Music To My Ears  (currently 788 views)
Don
Posted: December 21st, 2014, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Music To My Ears by Bradley Kominsky - Short, Drama - One man's appreciation for his music proves to be stronger for him than for others. 12 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
RichardR
Posted: December 22nd, 2014, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
Bradley,

Take all comments with healthy skepticism.

First, let me congratulate you for a nice little story.  It works.  But try to show more than tell.  Take the opening scene.  If you give Jordan action won't it work better?  He's dancing or cooking or something and when questioned he can play a medley to demonstrate his memories.  "This one is our first kiss.  And this one was the time it snowed for two days."  Demonstrate how re remembers.

In the flashback you set up a perfect opportunity for conflict. Put her there with Jordan and her parents and she gives her speech to them and their money instead of Jordan.  Don't cheat her or your audience out of that powerful moment.

Last scene.  Would it be better if Sam arrives baby and wife in tow?  Now you can play a new song that Jordan can associate with his grandchild.  How memories are made.

I think you have the spine of a story.  Devise actions that will convey your meaning.

Best

Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006