Chubby Wubby is in Charge :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Hi Edith, welcome to the boards.

Thought I'd give this a quick read... all comments are just my opinion of course

So first of... what software are you using for the script? As there's a couple of formatting 'issues'
1) Your dialogue is center aligned, left alignment is normal/standard.
2) You don't really need 'Cut to's in here, the new slugline implies that.
3) You bold some of the character names, again not sure this is needed.
4) Some people would say the same thing re bolding your sluglines, but I do that too, and prefer it

5) It's standard when introducing chracters to give us some description, usually age and brief physical description. Miss Fro Fro, Chubby Wubby and MC all come into first scene without a description.
6) Thing like 'Chubby Wubby is talking with a mouthful of sweets' are an Action line really.

In terms of the story.
1) I think you need to have another look through this with a spelling, typos and grammer as the focus.
E,g, 'nut' when you mean 'but', 'how' when you mean 'who', 'Miss Fro Fro to rush to give her a shower.' should be 'Miss Fro Fro rushes to give her a shower.'
2) Watch out for unfilmables, e.g. MC calls someone named Lola and has a chat - how do we know this, you could do this by having him look her number up in some way, it should really be showm in some dialogue.
3) Think about what you are saying is happening on screen, e.g. you say that Miss Fro Fro gives her a shower, but they don't explicitly leave and go to the bathroom, and five lines later she's sitting at the kitchen table again, that wouldn't work on film without some form of pause or other action going on whilst she's showering.
4) At the begining of the short you say that Mrs Fro Fro puts her food on the table, later at the bus stop you say there isn't any, needs to be consistent or explained in some way.
5) I think some of the dialogue is good and captures an ethinic twang but a couple of places it's mixed and could be stronger.
6) I think the letter that Lola give her reads a little awkwardly, and wouldn't it be a text or email these days?
7) If we are meant to sympathise with Fro Fro then it's undermined by the theft, a couple of sweets for Chubby would work better with an affectionate wink - imho

There's an element of sweetness to Chubby and her taking on responsibilities for her mother that works and I like it but i think these should be highlighted.

Is this meant to be an episode or lead on? Ending seems a little abrupt and I'd like to see MC get his just desterts.

Hope that helps some,