Quoted from Alex BEER GARDEN – One of the best slugs ever Feel good atmosphere's already established.

That's a good line right there, Alex. Made me chuckle. And I'm glad you like the description line for Melissa.

Quoted from Alex They're drinking beer, so that doesn't make sense to me.

Chad questions he has bad breath because Melissa pulled away from him when he attempts to kiss her... it's his by the numbers method of seduction so it kind of knocks him for six... I'm glad to see this all came together for you as you read on with regard to Melissa and her dialogue and her pulling away from him.

Quoted from Alex All fine. I haven't erased the above from my notes to make you know that it works in its structure very, very good. You play with the audience.

Likewise I appreciate you doing your critique and making comments as you read along - it was helpful and enlightening for me to read how it came together for you and where things did or didn't hit the spot.  

Quoted from Alex P6 When Chad tells Bob about overnight privileges I think Bob's answers "your funny..." aren't needed and sound on the nose anyhow. Here, imo, an answer of from him isn't needed at all...

I could have inserted parentheticals as to the meaning of these one liners from Bob but I'll leave this is up the actors/director's interpretation. The main reason for those lines (least from my writer's perspective) is that Bob is indulging his friend. Some of Bob's one-liners also have a veiled dig at Chad. Actually a few of his comments are not so veiled - they just go over Chad's head.

In this instance Chad is complaining about having a hot woman in his bed all night and while Bob is aware that this is also a poorly disguised ego trip on Chad's part he also finds his mate's assessment of the rules of one-night stands pretty amusing.

Quoted from Alex The interchanging conversation between both tables, about the same subject, is beautifully interwoven.

Thankyou, I"m glad it worked for you.

Quoted from Alex P 15 the country stuff distracted me.

Point taken. It may need editing.

Quoted from Alex p18 is delightful

Thank you again. I think you're referring to when the two leads spot one another?

Quoted from Alex Hahahaha great. But this is too much for me: "A quick glance at the mistletoe hanging above them." BUT MAYBE IT'S NEEDED. You make it bold that way,  but same time it's getting kind of satiric. I don't know....

Sounds as if it did and didn't work for you. This is the punchline and I actually think I used a quite light touch with this so I don't think I can agree with you on that one. I might actually add to it a bit...

Quoted from Alex Sidenote: I think fade out period is fade out period, you know.

I'd quite like some other opinions on this.

I'm pretty sure you can FADE IN and OUT throughout a script, perhaps it's FADE TO:
I know FINAL FADE OUT IS definitive.

I also know the placement on the page (as Kyle pointed out) is a problem here in terms of some could inadvertently skip the final scene.

In any case as I said above I may decide to ROLL CREDITS: and FADE IN: (again).

Quoted from Alex Great ending. Let me say this. You women here at ss are writing dramas dammmmnn good.

Yes, I'm definitely in good company.

Thanks Alex for the points you brought up. I'm happy that for the most part this worked for you and you found it entertaining.

P.S. Regarding the title - I gather you think it didn't quite match the story and was distancing from the subject matter? The only other working title I had was 'He Said, She Said' but that's been used quite a bit in the past.

Simpatico relates to finding 'The One' and is part of a significant scene/ part of the dialogue.

Hey Libby,

quick answers from me. But please, don't let me distract you from moving on...

The thing with the breath (and I've understood the origin coherences you refer to) is that, to me, it's just illogical Chad would let Bob check his breath in the beer garden, while drinking alcohol. Well, he drank alcohol on the day of the one night stand too; I just haven't seen somebody trying to find out about bad breath while drinking. Just with regards to that it was a bit weird to me.

I think its FADE TO BLACK (no period, right margin) followed by FADE FROM BLACK (left margin)
Or simply CUT TO
Many would just write a new slug I guess. But since it seems to be important to you to emphasize the slow fade and a long cut; that's what I believe to know about this subject without being a format junky myself, so maybe others know how to make it better. To me OUT is OUT.

P18 this whole part of the script was great. The tension was rising for another time, and them speaking same time f.e. and all that, brought the script's style to the top and introduced the climax well.

Quoted from LC The only other working title I had was 'He Said, She Said'

To me this is already better than your present title.

Quoted from LC Simpatico ... is part of a significant scene/ part of the dialogue.

That is a nice point but not a strong argument. They have to understand before.

imo,  a quick script about people who fit to each other or sth. sould be named "Sympatico".
It sounds safe and easy, bland to me.

You have so many great themes here about men and women playing their games, and it's intelligent, so I think IMO it deserves more. The great script's features you offer should be presented in all their depth. The title should foreshadow those features to get in touch with your target audience.

You did great here. And the other points you made about my notes are completely understandable for me now.

This answer isn't meant to contradict you; everything I say could be potentially wrong of course. So, please read it as a part of discussian and food for thoughts and not as me telling you how to do any thing. That's not my intention. I hope you know that.

I see you have great success with this one.

So, I wish you good luck. I hope to see this one time.

You can FADE in and out all you want in a script.  Just make sure you do fade back in...

IMO, it showsmore of a break - could be time, could be place, but it's an obvious break, whereas scenes just run in and out of each other.

Hi Libby,

As one of my favorite writers, I'm looking forward to giving this a read.  

I should have something up in the next day or so.

Shawn.....><

Quoted from eldave1 First - well done, a very enjoyable read - great dialogue, perfect voice for the characters.

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it this much.

Quoted from eldave I got lost a little at the beginning with the lack of secondary scene headings... Where the lack of scene headings made it a bit confusing at first, I do think the use of them would disrupt what is a very snappy flow between the girls and the guys.

I agree it takes getting used to the flow at first. I think it is the way to go with this type of scenario.

Quoted from eldave This a real nit, but there is one place where I would make a change: CHAD Jesus titty-fucking Christmas, look at the arse on that. - loud enough that the waitress can’t help but hear. She turns, smiles. I would change that to "She turns, rolls her eyes." It was just a hiccup for me - i.e. - these are fairly average looking dudes, she's a waitress that must have heard this a million times before - I think she would be put off.

You're absolutely right that this is often the case. But this one's young and enjoying the reactions she gets. There are certain types of young women who relish any and all attention no matter who's giving it.
Bob's line: 'That’s about her, mate. Not you.' is meant to bring Chad down to earth: He knows the waitress is flattered - he also knows Chad shouldn't think it has anything to do with him. These guys are well past their prime.

Quoted from eldave I would also flip the last two scenes - I would go to the couple in the restroom first and close with the couple at the bar...

So, you'd keep both scenes but reverse them? Interesting. Hmm, I still think in terms of momentum I like the other two disappearing and the focus shifting to Bob and Ann. I appreciate your view though.

Quoted from eldave I think you have done a great job of intertwining humor and poignancy.

Thanks for including the word 'poignancy'. I'm glad you could see there's a lot more going on beneath the banter.

Quoted from eldave I would love to see you develop a feature from this. It would make for a great ROMCOM. You could write similar scenes for men and women at different stages of their lives...

Hmm, those are some nice ideas for developing it that you came up with. I might do, not sure. Maybe...  

Quoted from eldave Anyway - really liked it - nice work.

Thank you for your comments and suggestions, Dave. I appreciate it. I actually took at look at your feature the other week - didn't make comments at the time because I was a lil' busy completing this but I was impressed with your story. Seems you're already gaining some interest with agents and made it quite a fair way into Page and Nicholl last year too. Good on you. Look forward to reading more of yours.
  

Quoted from PrussianMosby Hey Libby, quick answers from me. But please, don't let me distract you from moving on...

Forgot to say thanks Alex for weighing in on this again. I will consider all of your points and ponder the title as well.

Hey Dustin, thanks for the read and review.

And ANN, a curly blonde - shorter, rounder and more modestly
dressed, but with a cheery smile.

Quoted from Dustin She even gets a 'but' the poor girl. Let's all pity her. I think the above could be written a little less patronisingly. I think even just dropping the 'but' would do it.

Point well made. I can't believe I did that. The 'but' will be removed.

Quoted from Dustin I like the intercut. There's some comedy value in having the conversations interrupted while also following both at the same time.

Most people agree with you, and I think so too. I'm yet to consult further with slug-master Jeffrey about it...

MELISSA
Destiny? Please. That’s a pre-
feminist myth perpetuated by our
grandmothers to stop us tarting
around. Gotta put yourself out
there kiddo.

Quoted from Dustin LOL.

Thanks. I didn't think that line was too shabby either. The 'tarting' makes it, I think.
            
ANN
I think guys can smell fear and
desperation. Remember Scary Helen?

Quoted from Dustin I'm pretty sure I've mistook that for psychosis a few times.

Yep, there's a fine line, I reckon.  

Quoted from Dustin That's a very well done story. Nice work. Maybe you could run through and tighten the dialogue, maybe make it sharper... not that any particular area stood out to me, I have to say... but I've only read it once. It's an excellent idea though, well executed and deserves to get made.

Thank you. And, yep, the hard part (as always) will be in tightening that dialogue hopefully not at the expense of the rest. High praise from you, I'm so glad you liked it... and I'm crossing my fingers.

Quoted from LC Most people agree with you, and I think so too. I'm yet to consult further with slug-master Jeffrey about it...

I did it myself in a feature I've just written. It happens a few times throughout the script too. I think putting in mini slugs would ruin it.

Intercut is perfectly acceptable. If some get confused... well, perhaps they are better off watching than they are reading.

Quoted from LC Most people agree with you, and I think so too. I'm yet to consult further with slug-master Jeffrey about it...

Are they eating your vegetables? They eat my vegetables. Gastropodic barstards.

R

Quoted from rendevous Are they eating your vegetables? They eat my vegetables. Gastropodic barstards. R

The setting is a beer garden. Slugs drown there.

P.S. I know  this because I've used  pans of beer in my vegetable garden to control slugs. They love the beer, crawl in the pan, drown.

Re: "slugmaster" Jeffrey. I also like the name Sluggo.

Quoted from LC I'm yet to consult further with slug-master Jeffrey about it...

Sluggo reviewed your script and commented on this 2 days ago, and you didn't respond to anything he had to offer.

Word on the street is that he's very upset and drinking heavily because of it.  

I don't live in a beer garden. Perhaps one happy day I will. But let's face it: It's fecking unlikely.

Barstards ate my trousers. I supposed I should have been wearing them. But where is the fun in that?

Molluscky fuckers.

R

Quoted from Dreamscale Sluggo reviewed your script and commented on this 2 days ago, and you didn't respond to anything he had to offer. Word on the street is that he's very upset and drinking heavily because of it.

Nothing new there, then  
I'll get to you.

Quoted from Richard Nice setup.  You have the plain Bob and Ann vs. the preening Melissa and Chad, even the names show their inherent differences.  And the players act their part.

Thank you.  

Quoted from Richard I might be the one off here, but do guys really talk about women this way? I understand sports, careers, politics, etc., but getting into the women/dating talk seems a convenient construct--or maybe I've been out of the dating rat race too long.

I don't think it's that you've been off the dating scene as much as that maybe your experience has been that men don't talk about this stuff. Obviously I don't speak for all men (and I wouldn't dare ) but yeah, a lot of guys do open up to one another and not just about blokey things. Chad and Bob have a history so they're comfortable sharing a lot of stuff. It's a misnomer that it's only women who do all the talking, and I have that on good authority.

Quoted from Richard The dialogue is spiffy and quick.  Makes for a lively read.  You might look for more slang for the couples.  Don't women have specific names for these guys?  Don't men have equally slang titles?

Like what, exactly? I think I know what you mean and I think I've gone as far as I want to with that but would you care to elaborate?

Quoted from Richard The ending seems a bit too good to be true.

First point: this hopefully will be a film - "What is drama, after all, but life with the dull bits cut out." . Second point: This is instant attraction - eyes across a crowded room stuff. It happens all the time. A fairy-tale ending one might say, but it's also a fairy tale meeting and beginning for these characters.
                                                

Quoted from Richard Love at first sight for the plain ones while the peacocks play the I-can't-let-you-see-how-much-I-want-you game.  But it makes for a good ending.  The peacocks are doomed to bypass each other.  The Wing-people find romance.  Works for me.

For a moment I read that as: ''winged people" and thought ooh, how poetic of you. In my view it's not really about the plain or the pretty ones getting lucky in the end as much as that it's all a bit random and that there is no recipe for finding 'the one'. But of course it's also open to interpretation.

Thanks for your thoughts Richard. I posted some comments on your script 'Tipping Point'.

Quoted from Bill ... the 21 pages was a concern but it reads faster. However, to me this is feels like a 10-12 pager. The dialogue is smooth and the tone solid but it felt a bit meandering... Mind you I have to say that sometimes when things are shortened they also lose feel, but a few pages off this would be easy and may give a crisper focus.

I know what you mean. It's a balancing act isn't it. Cutting stuff I find really difficult - and though I'll concede some cuts here and there may be in order this was always going to be a bit longer exploration of 'he said, she said' than ten to twelve pages. Thanks for the complimentary comments on the dialogue etc.

Quoted from Bill ... I did keep on thinking to myself, why can't they just see each other?

Daft as it is, some people just don't see what's directly in front of them. Having said this it could be pushing it. Your suggestion re 'large man' may be in order - or perhaps a large Christmas decoration that is moved or a food serving tray - let me know if you think of something else interesting or even amusing that might work here.

Quoted from Bill The flashbacks when the actions were contrary to what they were saying also slightly threw me. I was just trying to understand why, what were they getting out of this?. Again I may have missed a common thread.

There's two points here I think. In answer to the first, I don't feel the actions were contrary to the flashbacks. And, what are they getting out of this? Well, people love to talk - in general and about their exploits and sexual prowess - they also like to advise on the subject especially if they think the other person needs educating. Let's also not forget this lot have 'had a few' and they're in an environment where they're hoping to 'pick up'.

Quoted from Bill Random thought: A bookend so to speak.....mistletoe... Possibly the man who kisses the girl at the end could mock mistletoe at the beginning - touch of irony etc Mr Bah humbug gets to change.

Definitely something to think about.

Quoted from Bill On the up side this should be easy to film so i hope it gets picked up.

Thanks Bill. I appreciate your comments and suggestions.