SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 6:36pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Simpatico Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 14 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Simpatico  (currently 16567 views)
khamanna
Posted: January 17th, 2015, 9:40am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Hey, Libby.

I really like the idea and the ending. I wish Bob and Ann lasted a little longer though at the end - I mean I wish to see them talk a bit more to reinforce a few of those moments you brought up in the dialog earlier. I know you did the kiss. And the misletoe above is like destiny brought them there. But I still wish there was more and that we ssee the a bit longer.

Another thing is to make dialog snappier. Like on p8 "how about you and leonard" - you could follow with "the guy chewed with his mouth open".
The intercut moments could be snappier perhaps. Like the one on p2 - I don't get very well what Melissa and Ann are talking there about - I think what girls say should blend with the guy's talk right away, se we get clear idea.

Melissa talked about snogging, then refused to kiss - I don't know...


You brought up Helen and Simonne there in the middle - those parts were not interesting to read - maybe because I don't know them. Maybe the girls could say something about Helen and the boys later talk about something Helen did as well? Otherwise I was lost there.

Very nice ending. I didn't expect that.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 30 - 121
LC
Posted: January 17th, 2015, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34

Quoted from JC Cleveland
Yo, Libby, good to see a new script from you.

Yo, Jeffrey, thanks for taking a look.

Quoted from JC Cleveland
Opening page is bloated and overwritten, IMO.  What we have here is really 2 sets of intros for 2 groups of peeps and a little dialogue - no way should this take up a whole page. ... (and) re characters - 'rather well done but contain too much unnecessary description

I see it as one page to set the scene, establish location, create atmosphere, four character descriptions, and opening dialogue of three of those same four characters. A script can't be a shopping list of bullet points. There's about three lines of dialogue here so as far as screentime goes it will go by in no time. If I strip it back any further all the colour, vitality and characterisation goes out the window - imh.

How would you do it? If I wrote BOB & CHAD 40s, MELISSA & ANN 30s. What would the
actors have to go on? I don't really see what is unnecessary there. If you'd like to give me an example... likewise if you want to give an example of doing this with mini-slugs. I'm open to seeing whether it would improve the script but I highly doubt it.


Quoted from JC Cleveland
Remember ALL characters need to be CAPPED when they're first intro'd, including this "waiter".

And WAITRESS actually...Duly noted.


Quoted from JC Cleveland
One of my "few"   Pet Peeves is when writers use an INTERCUT, as I just find it to be lazy writing and also hard to follow at times...

I tried formatting this the conventional way - it doesn't work imh - if you think this is bloated and hard to follow try it the other way... really, give it a go.


Quoted from JC Cleveland
The reality is that you have 2 separate "scenes" here, yet you're
playing it out...and writing it, as if it were one. ... It really comes across like all 4 of these peeps are together and talking together.

I really don't think it does. You're the first one to say this. The general consensus is contrary to your view. There are two scenes running concurrently here - a director can film each couple/table separately and then get very creative editing it together.  Perhaps you were hitting the turps again?  

Quoted from JC Cleveland
  I understand the effect you're after, and filmed, it would work just
like you want it to, but, to film it, this script would have to be totally broken
down and Mini Slugs would need to be added, to make sure everyone knows exactly
where we are at all times.
Well, I'm glad we agree on the first part. I'm not convinced about the mini slugs however. I really think it's clear where everybody is and where everybody would be filmed. Except for the final scenes they all stay put at their respective tables.

Quoted from JC Cleveland
On Page 3, you have a Flashback, but it's not formatted correctly, at least IMO, that is.
I think this is a personal style choice. Using separate lines in a short like this for BEGIN FLASHBACK END FLASHBACK or BACK TO SCENE would just add more bloat to page count.

Quoted from JC Cleveland
On page 4, the Flashback ends, and you use BACK TO INTERCUT, which
isn't technically correct... and you start out with dialogue, which again, is not correct
The intercut is between the two couples/two tables. It doesn't necessarily mean
that their dialogue constantly interrupts at each line of dialogue as in a conventional intercut - i.e., two separate locations - two characters back and forth. As I said I think a lot of the magic of this could be achieved in the editing room. I wrote a version originally (like this below) where each corresponding thought/line of dialogue intercut with the other  but it ended up being very convoluted.

MELISSA
Speaking of, whatever happened with
you and that Leonard guy?


CHAD
Hey, whatever happened to that
redhead you were seeing.


It's the director's job with this to come up with his creative vision of how the parallel dialogue threads interweave.

Quoted from JC Cleveland
Dialogue is pretty good...very good in many places.  Tone is fun and playful.  Ending is nice.

Thanks so much.

Quoted from JC Cleveland
I'd cut several of the dialogue exchanges and probably add a few more
Flashbacks of the "other" peeps in their lives - I think there could be some funny
scenes there.

If this were a feature length I'd add more characters. I'll be looking closely with regard to editing some of the dialogue exchanges.

Quoted from JC Cleveland
You did a good job portraying both male and female attitudes and
personalities here.  They may be cliche, but who cares, they're well done.

I'm glad you found it entertaining. Casting would be key here and also talented actors with a knack for comic and deadpan delivery.

Quoted from JC Cleveland
For what it is, which is really a long drawn out talking heads piece, it's impressive, but overly drawn out and long winded. I'd try and bring this in under 15 pages, and I think you could easliy do that without losing much of anything. ...Overall, I liked it, though.

Thank you so much. I think I'll take that 'impressive' and run with it.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  January 17th, 2015, 7:40pm
Just another thought.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 31 - 121
Stumpzian
Posted: January 17th, 2015, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
North Carolina
Posts
662
Posts Per Day
0.18
Libby -- Nicely restrained response.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 32 - 121
LC
Posted: January 17th, 2015, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34

Quoted from DS
Libby,I thought this was great. The dialogue flew by with a lot of stand-out lines, the characters were well defined. I think this would look really appealing to actors as well, which most talking heads scripts might not.
Thanks. One can only hope.

Quoted from DS
There's heavy reliance on coincidences in the script, with that in mind I think you could put more emphasis on the destiny angle. Maybe throw in a tongue-in-cheek meta-reference about it? ...

I'm not sure about a 'breaking the fourth wall' line. Perhaps if I was Steve Martin. Also it could be a little overdone and verging on farce but it's an interesting suggestion. I think the themes are pretty obvious. As for coincidence - I think it's pretty realistic and not too contrived - The way I see it Chad and Melissa had a one-night stand - in all likelihood they live in the same general neighbourhood and haunt the same local pubs, venues etc. I've been introduced to people before and then never see them again, then there are others I don't particularly want to see who I bump into over and over again. It happens.


Quoted from DS
I liked all of the coincidences of the same place, the same conversation topics. All worked great, but the fact that they noticed each other at exactly the same...
You're right. I think Reef mentioned the same thing about a physical obstacle impeding their view and then it being cleared. Let me know if you think of a good idea here...


Quoted from DS
P19: I'm not a fan of Bob's "wow" right before the kiss.

I imagined Bob kind of whispering/breathy when he says this so perhaps I should change the parenthetical to reflect that - I didn't place an exclamation point after it because I picture Bob saying this in a quiet 'blows his socks of' kind of way. I'll look at that.

Quoted from DS
I don't necessarily think that the scene after the kiss fits either...
Yep, this one most people are divided on.  

Quoted from DS
Also, I'm not sure, but I was quite surprised to see drama listed as a genre.Looks more like a RomCom or just a comedy to me.

You're spot on. When I started writing this it wasn't my intention to write a Rom/Com but it sort of evolved into one. I'll change the genre when I can.

Quoted from DS
Hope this helped. Very much enjoyed the read - hoping this gets picked up. Good luck!

Yes it did. You quite often come up with a different angle in your reviews and you did here as well. I appreciate your input. Thanks DS.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 33 - 121
LC
Posted: January 17th, 2015, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34

Quoted from Stumpzian
Libby -- Nicely restrained response.

That made me chuckle.  Btw, I am sincere about Jeff giving me examples too, if he wants to.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 34 - 121
LC
Posted: January 17th, 2015, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34

Quoted from Glenn
Hey Libby. Nice one here. Really entertaining stuff. Normally if something is this dialogue driven I get a bit bored but not this one. It's really well written and there are some very funny parts in there too. I think Chad's line "Jesus titty-fucking Christmas" has potential to be a highly quotable line.

Thanks Glenn. Just so you know that line is not something I would say   but I think it suits the character.


Quoted from Glenn
The conversations between the characters are expertly handled and from my two years living there I definitely think it's very Australian.

So you lived in Oz? That's very interesting... As for it being very Aussie I think there's a little Brit influence in some of the dialogue too - it happens now and then cause of my 'significant other' but I don't think it hurts it.


Quoted from Glenn
Then the twist at the end. Brilliant. About mid-way through I could see something like that happening but the way you brought it together was wonderful... I would have ended it there.
Thank you. Reviews like yours make the slog worthwhile and I'm pleased in general that it's going down so well. I'll have to count up later how many people want it to finish it at that point. I suppose at least there's an alternative ending.


Quoted from Glenn
Well done with this and good luck with it

Thanks Glenn. Let me know if you want anything read.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 35 - 121
Dreamscale
Posted: January 17th, 2015, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from LC
That made me chuckle.  Btw, I am sincere about Jeff giving me examples too, if he wants to.


You got it.  Just not tonight.  I;ll look at this again and explain what I mean better...hopefully...  

Logged
e-mail Reply: 36 - 121
Stumpzian
Posted: January 17th, 2015, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
North Carolina
Posts
662
Posts Per Day
0.18
BTW, I had to look up "snogging."

My mother-in-law (my second) was Aussie and lived with us from '99 until she died in '07 at age 93. Never heard her say it. I suppose there was no reason why she should have.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 37 - 121
LC
Posted: January 17th, 2015, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34

Quoted from Dreamscale
You got it.  Just not tonight.  I;ll look at this again and explain what I mean better...hopefully...  

Whenever you have time. Hope you're having a good night.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 38 - 121
LC
Posted: January 17th, 2015, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34

Quoted from Stumpzian
BTW, I had to look up "snogging." My mother-in-law (my second) was Aussie and lived with us from '99 until she died in '07 at age 93. Never heard her say it. I suppose there was no reason why she should have.

Does that make you married to an Aussie girl?

Ah, see she probably wouldn't know it. She would have been more familiar with the word 'pash' or 'pashing', which is what Aussies used to call it. Our culture has been heavily influenced by the Brits and the U.S. so we often adopt their sayings. I couldn't find anything else so I'm assuming we adopted 'snog'.

Do you guys call it 'making out' or what?


Logged
Private Message Reply: 39 - 121
rendevous
Posted: January 17th, 2015, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2354
Posts Per Day
0.43

Quoted from Stumpzian
BTW, I had to look up "snogging."


I too looked up 'snogging'. I already knew what it meant. I just like reading about it. It's been so long...

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 40 - 121
Athenian
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 3:28am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
203
Posts Per Day
0.06
Hi Libby,

I'm a bit ashamed to admit this is the first short I've read by you. But I'll keep an eye out from now on.

Yes, this reads quite fast for a 21-pager (even if "snogging" wasn't the only word I personally had to look up ). I liked the way you handled the sex stuff - both with humor and honesty. Melissa and Chad do say some interesting things, despite the fact that the romantics (thankfully) win in the end.

Now, the previous comments have covered pretty much everything, so let me just add one small gripe: Why do Melissa and Chad ignore what's going on in their friends' lives? I mean, Chad seems to be a close friend of Bob, but asks him about his relationship with Simonne as if they haven't communicated for ages. I'm not sure if this was your intention (friends that haven't met for a while), but it needs to be a little clearer.

Also, I'd probably prefer the scene with Bob and Ann to be a little subtler (maybe without the kiss), but that's a matter of personal taste.

A really enjoyable and filmable script. Best of luck with it!

Manolis
Logged
Private Message Reply: 41 - 121
DustinBowcot
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 4:15am Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from rendevous


I too looked up 'snogging'. I already knew what it meant. I just like reading about it. It's been so long...

R


LOL.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 42 - 121
Stumpzian
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 10:04am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
North Carolina
Posts
662
Posts Per Day
0.18

Quoted from LC

Does that make you married to an Aussie girl?

Ah, see she probably wouldn't know it. She would have been more familiar with the word 'pash' or 'pashing', which is what Aussies used to call it. Our culture has been heavily influenced by the Brits and the U.S. so we often adopt their sayings. I couldn't find anything else so I'm assuming we adopted 'snog'.

Do you guys call it 'making out' or what?


No, she's a Detroit/Tampa girl. Her mother (from Sydney) married a Chicago  man stationed in the Philippines during the war. She came to the U.S. in the '40s.

Yes, I guess "making out" is the term, or used to be. In "On Golden Pond" (early '80s), some kid calls it "sucking face."





Revision History (1 edits)
Stumpzian  -  January 18th, 2015, 6:07pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 43 - 121
IamGlenn
Posted: January 18th, 2015, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


:)

Location
Dublin, Ireland, Europe, The World.
Posts
692
Posts Per Day
0.20

Quoted Text
So you lived in Oz? That's very interesting...


Yep Perth mostly. Would love to go back one day.

In the script the lads drink beers. I just hope to God they are pints and not schooners! Hands down the worst thing about Australia!

Other than that, lovely place.



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 44 - 121
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006