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I really like the idea and the ending. I wish Bob and Ann lasted a little longer though at the end - I mean I wish to see them talk a bit more to reinforce a few of those moments you brought up in the dialog earlier. I know you did the kiss. And the misletoe above is like destiny brought them there. But I still wish there was more and that we ssee the a bit longer.
Another thing is to make dialog snappier. Like on p8 "how about you and leonard" - you could follow with "the guy chewed with his mouth open". The intercut moments could be snappier perhaps. Like the one on p2 - I don't get very well what Melissa and Ann are talking there about - I think what girls say should blend with the guy's talk right away, se we get clear idea.
Melissa talked about snogging, then refused to kiss - I don't know...
You brought up Helen and Simonne there in the middle - those parts were not interesting to read - maybe because I don't know them. Maybe the girls could say something about Helen and the boys later talk about something Helen did as well? Otherwise I was lost there.
Opening page is bloated and overwritten, IMO. What we have here is really 2 sets of intros for 2 groups of peeps and a little dialogue - no way should this take up a whole page. ... (and) re characters - 'rather well done but contain too much unnecessary description
I see it as one page to set the scene, establish location, create atmosphere, four character descriptions, and opening dialogue of three of those same four characters. A script can't be a shopping list of bullet points. There's about three lines of dialogue here so as far as screentime goes it will go by in no time. If I strip it back any further all the colour, vitality and characterisation goes out the window - imh.
How would you do it? If I wrote BOB & CHAD 40s, MELISSA & ANN 30s. What would the actors have to go on? I don't really see what is unnecessary there. If you'd like to give me an example... likewise if you want to give an example of doing this with mini-slugs. I'm open to seeing whether it would improve the script but I highly doubt it.
One of my "few" Pet Peeves is when writers use an INTERCUT, as I just find it to be lazy writing and also hard to follow at times...
I tried formatting this the conventional way - it doesn't work imh - if you think this is bloated and hard to follow try it the other way... really, give it a go.
The reality is that you have 2 separate "scenes" here, yet you're playing it out...and writing it, as if it were one. ... It really comes across like all 4 of these peeps are together and talking together.
I really don't think it does. You're the first one to say this. The general consensus is contrary to your view. There are two scenes running concurrently here - a director can film each couple/table separately and then get very creative editing it together. Perhaps you were hitting the turps again?
I understand the effect you're after, and filmed, it would work just like you want it to, but, to film it, this script would have to be totally broken down and Mini Slugs would need to be added, to make sure everyone knows exactly where we are at all times.
Well, I'm glad we agree on the first part. I'm not convinced about the mini slugs however. I really think it's clear where everybody is and where everybody would be filmed. Except for the final scenes they all stay put at their respective tables.
On Page 3, you have a Flashback, but it's not formatted correctly, at least IMO, that is.
I think this is a personal style choice. Using separate lines in a short like this for BEGIN FLASHBACK END FLASHBACK or BACK TO SCENE would just add more bloat to page count.
On page 4, the Flashback ends, and you use BACK TO INTERCUT, which isn't technically correct... and you start out with dialogue, which again, is not correct
The intercut is between the two couples/two tables. It doesn't necessarily mean that their dialogue constantly interrupts at each line of dialogue as in a conventional intercut - i.e., two separate locations - two characters back and forth. As I said I think a lot of the magic of this could be achieved in the editing room. I wrote a version originally (like this below) where each corresponding thought/line of dialogue intercut with the other but it ended up being very convoluted.
MELISSA Speaking of, whatever happened with you and that Leonard guy?
CHAD Hey, whatever happened to that redhead you were seeing.
It's the director's job with this to come up with his creative vision of how the parallel dialogue threads interweave.
I'd cut several of the dialogue exchanges and probably add a few more Flashbacks of the "other" peeps in their lives - I think there could be some funny scenes there.
If this were a feature length I'd add more characters. I'll be looking closely with regard to editing some of the dialogue exchanges.
For what it is, which is really a long drawn out talking heads piece, it's impressive, but overly drawn out and long winded. I'd try and bring this in under 15 pages, and I think you could easliy do that without losing much of anything. ...Overall, I liked it, though.
Thank you so much. I think I'll take that 'impressive' and run with it.
Libby,I thought this was great. The dialogue flew by with a lot of stand-out lines, the characters were well defined. I think this would look really appealing to actors as well, which most talking heads scripts might not.
Thanks. One can only hope.
Quoted from DS
There's heavy reliance on coincidences in the script, with that in mind I think you could put more emphasis on the destiny angle. Maybe throw in a tongue-in-cheek meta-reference about it? ...
I'm not sure about a 'breaking the fourth wall' line. Perhaps if I was Steve Martin. Also it could be a little overdone and verging on farce but it's an interesting suggestion. I think the themes are pretty obvious. As for coincidence - I think it's pretty realistic and not too contrived - The way I see it Chad and Melissa had a one-night stand - in all likelihood they live in the same general neighbourhood and haunt the same local pubs, venues etc. I've been introduced to people before and then never see them again, then there are others I don't particularly want to see who I bump into over and over again. It happens.
Quoted from DS
I liked all of the coincidences of the same place, the same conversation topics. All worked great, but the fact that they noticed each other at exactly the same...
You're right. I think Reef mentioned the same thing about a physical obstacle impeding their view and then it being cleared. Let me know if you think of a good idea here...
Quoted from DS
P19: I'm not a fan of Bob's "wow" right before the kiss.
I imagined Bob kind of whispering/breathy when he says this so perhaps I should change the parenthetical to reflect that - I didn't place an exclamation point after it because I picture Bob saying this in a quiet 'blows his socks of' kind of way. I'll look at that.
Quoted from DS
I don't necessarily think that the scene after the kiss fits either...
Yep, this one most people are divided on.
Quoted from DS
Also, I'm not sure, but I was quite surprised to see drama listed as a genre.Looks more like a RomCom or just a comedy to me.
You're spot on. When I started writing this it wasn't my intention to write a Rom/Com but it sort of evolved into one. I'll change the genre when I can.
Quoted from DS
Hope this helped. Very much enjoyed the read - hoping this gets picked up. Good luck!
Yes it did. You quite often come up with a different angle in your reviews and you did here as well. I appreciate your input. Thanks DS.
Hey Libby. Nice one here. Really entertaining stuff. Normally if something is this dialogue driven I get a bit bored but not this one. It's really well written and there are some very funny parts in there too. I think Chad's line "Jesus titty-fucking Christmas" has potential to be a highly quotable line.
Thanks Glenn. Just so you know that line is not something I would say but I think it suits the character.
The conversations between the characters are expertly handled and from my two years living there I definitely think it's very Australian.
So you lived in Oz? That's very interesting... As for it being very Aussie I think there's a little Brit influence in some of the dialogue too - it happens now and then cause of my 'significant other' but I don't think it hurts it.
Then the twist at the end. Brilliant. About mid-way through I could see something like that happening but the way you brought it together was wonderful... I would have ended it there.
Thank you. Reviews like yours make the slog worthwhile and I'm pleased in general that it's going down so well. I'll have to count up later how many people want it to finish it at that point. I suppose at least there's an alternative ending.
My mother-in-law (my second) was Aussie and lived with us from '99 until she died in '07 at age 93. Never heard her say it. I suppose there was no reason why she should have.
BTW, I had to look up "snogging." My mother-in-law (my second) was Aussie and lived with us from '99 until she died in '07 at age 93. Never heard her say it. I suppose there was no reason why she should have.
Does that make you married to an Aussie girl?
Ah, see she probably wouldn't know it. She would have been more familiar with the word 'pash' or 'pashing', which is what Aussies used to call it. Our culture has been heavily influenced by the Brits and the U.S. so we often adopt their sayings. I couldn't find anything else so I'm assuming we adopted 'snog'.
I'm a bit ashamed to admit this is the first short I've read by you. But I'll keep an eye out from now on.
Yes, this reads quite fast for a 21-pager (even if "snogging" wasn't the only word I personally had to look up ). I liked the way you handled the sex stuff - both with humor and honesty. Melissa and Chad do say some interesting things, despite the fact that the romantics (thankfully) win in the end.
Now, the previous comments have covered pretty much everything, so let me just add one small gripe: Why do Melissa and Chad ignore what's going on in their friends' lives? I mean, Chad seems to be a close friend of Bob, but asks him about his relationship with Simonne as if they haven't communicated for ages. I'm not sure if this was your intention (friends that haven't met for a while), but it needs to be a little clearer.
Also, I'd probably prefer the scene with Bob and Ann to be a little subtler (maybe without the kiss), but that's a matter of personal taste.
A really enjoyable and filmable script. Best of luck with it!
Ah, see she probably wouldn't know it. She would have been more familiar with the word 'pash' or 'pashing', which is what Aussies used to call it. Our culture has been heavily influenced by the Brits and the U.S. so we often adopt their sayings. I couldn't find anything else so I'm assuming we adopted 'snog'.
Do you guys call it 'making out' or what?
No, she's a Detroit/Tampa girl. Her mother (from Sydney) married a Chicago man stationed in the Philippines during the war. She came to the U.S. in the '40s.
Yes, I guess "making out" is the term, or used to be. In "On Golden Pond" (early '80s), some kid calls it "sucking face."