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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Simpatico Moderators: bert
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LC
Posted: January 19th, 2015, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from IamGlenn
Yep ...  I just hope to God they are pints and not schooners! Hands down the worst thing about Australia! Other than that, lovely place.

Yeah, we really need to get our priorities right, don't we.


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LC
Posted: January 19th, 2015, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Khamanna
I really like the idea and the ending. ... I still wish there was more and that we see the a bit longer.

Steve suggested the same. I'll be having a look at this, not decided yet, but it may be added to, at least by way of a bit more atmosphere perhaps...

Quoted from Khamanna
Another thing is to make dialog snappier. Like on p8 "how about you and leonard" - you could follow with "the guy chewed with his mouth open".

I'll be sure to check out this particular dialogue passage you mention. Thank you for that.

Quoted from Khamanna
The intercut moments could be snappier perhaps. Like the one on p2 - I don't get very well what Melissa and Ann are talking there about - I think what girls say should blend with the guy's talk right away, se we get clear idea.

If it's too exact I think it will be contrived. I think it's pretty clear that there is a parallel. The guys discuss whether Melissa is marriage material and Ann remarks on the fact Melissa believes she's just met 'the one' - again... i.e., that she's 'played that tune before.'

Quoted from Khamanna
Melissa talked about snogging, then refused to kiss - I don't know...

Melissa is a mess of contradictions. Characters/people often say the opposite of what they mean. She doesn't want to scare Chad off so experience tells her to pull back on the kissing so as not to appear needy. She thinks in just giving him sex it'll make her uncomplicated and alluring. She still longs for the innocent days spent snogging/making out though.

I almost wrote a specific line of dialogue where Ann calls her out on that but I decided the dichotomy of what Melissa says and does is more interesting and kinda amusing.

Quoted from Khamanna
You brought up Helen and Simonne there in the middle - those parts were not interesting to read - maybe because I don't know them. Maybe the girls could say something about Helen and the boys later talk about something Helen did as well? Otherwise I was lost there.

To my mind Simonne gives us more of a glimpse into Bob.

'Scary Helen' is a reference to a friend of Melissa and Ann going way back - a very desperate for love type who throws herself at men in a demeaning way. You never met a 'type' like this? As Dustin mentioned sometimes their behaviour borders on pyschotic. The irony is that Melissa is very close to being this 'type' herself.  

The guys don't know Scary Helen at all - that would stretch the coincidences too far.

Quoted from Khamanna
Very nice ending. I didn't expect that.

I'm glad the ending came as a nice surprise. Thank you for the review Khamanna.


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SAC
Posted: January 20th, 2015, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Libby,

I guess you're talking about rolling the credits over the friends meeting at the bar? If that's the case I'd stay away from it. You're right. It is a bit pretentious and really something the director should decide. I don't think it'd add more to the read. Probably just piss peeps off around here!

Anyway, with that scene when te friends meet at the bar... I'd be inclined to end it there. I read that u did, then tacked on. Just my preference but that's where I would've cut it, and like I said try to tie up your main's storyline a little earlier just to make that last scene happen.

When I say "surreal" I'm thinking of the dance scene in The Fisher King at the train station. Maybe not something quite as grand as that, but I feel that scene deserves more and needs a bit of weight if you're so inclined to end it there.

Steve


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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 20th, 2015, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Don't worry about pissing people off around here. We, as writers, naturally have a lower tolerance for the work of others. How many can genuinely speak for a director? If you want to roll credits at a specific point because that's how you visualise the film playing out then just do it.
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SAC
Posted: January 20th, 2015, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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I get your point, Dustin. And pissing peeps off was said tongue in cheek really. And surely you can do whatever you like. Just something I wouldn't do here.

Steve


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 20th, 2015, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SAC
I guess you're talking about rolling the credits over the friends meeting at the bar? If that's the case I'd stay away from it. You're right. It is a bit pretentious and really something the director should decide. I don't think it'd add more to the read. Probably just piss peeps off around here!


I wouldn't worry about that one little bit.

I actually know an amazing script on here that did just that.  
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LC
Posted: January 20th, 2015, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SAC
Libby, I guess you're talking about rolling the credits over the friends meeting at the bar? ...


Noooo, not at all. The 'kiss' scene stays as is. No credits rolling over it.

Rolling credits over Chad and Melissa in the restrooms doing their primping and preening thing is what I had in mind and then it finishes abruptly with them about to exit, their hands on the doorhandles.


Quoted from Steve
When I say "surreal" I'm thinking of the dance scene in The Fisher King at the train station. Maybe not something quite as grand as that, but I feel that scene deserves more and needs a bit of weight if you're so inclined to end it there.
Steve

I'm with you on the surreal style - there's another scene but I can't think of it... perhaps it's something out of Baz Lurman's R& J in style, I mean. Anyway I'm gonna have another look at that scene in FK.

Writing it is another thing but thanks Steve.

And thanks for the metaphorical kick, Dustin, you're right. It is how I pictured it, so what the heck.



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khamanna
Posted: January 22nd, 2015, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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Some more notes for you Libby, since you're so active on the boards I feel like slacking - gave you like two-three sentences and din't go in detail.

Anyway:

on the page 3/4 Chad is telling Bob that Melissa didn't want to kiss. THe dialog between Ann and Melissa is a bit different. Melissa tells Ann that he was a bit shy at the beginning. THen only on p5 she tells Ann that she doesn't believe in kissing from the beginning. I'm thinking their "kissing" talk should come earlier.

Like here:
I see a good punch here:
p6 "In the end I just wanted it done and her gone. Know what I mean?
MELISSA
I stayed the night."

on p 6 Melissa wants to deliver a confession and Ann reacts "Oh-oh, really" - I'm a bit lost here.

p6 "She was drunk as a skunk" is a bit much for me. THe rest of it is fine and funny "like a dead weight all night. Be alright except she was lying diagonal, you know?" - that I liked.

THen Melissa says "I was out there before he woke up, so it's cool" - lost again, what's cool?

Then on p 7 there's "on top" talk and I like the to and fro here. I like the fact you Melissa and Ann don't start it right after the guys - it's a very smooth intercut here I think.

One other thought about Helen - maybe you could name her different not "scary" but somethng more specific that tells us about her case. Or maybe you could tells us more about her - it would add more texture to this part.

Not sure but had a thought that conversation between Bob and Chad about "the one" could be shortened. Some of it sounds like a repetition especially the end of it. Maybe stop on "in every single country of this earth". And then CHAD "Oh, fuck me"....

And then I loved the part where Melissa wondering if he was stalking her there - very funny.

(Libby, you don't have to answer me, just use whatever you think is useful if any)
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LC
Posted: January 23rd, 2015, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Manolis
Yes, this reads quite fast for a 21-pager (even if "snogging" wasn't the only word I personally had to look up  ). I liked the way you handled the sex stuff - both with humor and honesty. Melissa and Chad do say some interesting things, despite the fact that the romantics (thankfully) win in the end.

1. Manolis, I'd love to know the other word apart from 'snogging'. 2. It's 20 pages if you don't count the title page.   3. Thank you for the comment re humor and honesty - that's what I was going for.

Quoted from Manolis
... let me just add one small gripe: Why do Melissa and Chad ignore what's going on in their friends' lives? I mean, Chad seems to be a close friend of Bob, but asks him about his relationship with Simonne as if they haven't communicated for ages. I'm not sure if this was your intention (friends that haven't met for a while), but it needs to be a little clearer.

Melissa and Chad are well aware of their friend's past relationships - Chad remembers Simonne very well - she made a lasting impression but he probably also realized time was needed before Bob would feel comfortable talking about it. Ann's relationship was much more shortlived.

Bear in mind Chad and Melissa are pretty self absorbed and insensitive to what is going on in their friend's lives.  Leonard only registered on Melissa's radar when the girls were discussing 'ugly sex face' - and she said: Ann and Leonard 'looked good together'- who needs a friend like that eh?

Quoted from Manolis
Also, I'd probably prefer the scene with Bob and Ann to be a little subtler (maybe without the kiss), but that's a matter of personal taste.

Without the kiss?! Coming from the guy who just wrote a scene in SLOWMO with a Sophie Marceau/Brigitte Bardot lookalike?  

Quoted from Manolis
A really enjoyable and filmable script. Best of luck with it!

Thanks so much for your thoughts Manolis... But really, no kiss?


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Athenian
Posted: January 24th, 2015, 6:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

1. Manolis, I'd love to know the other word apart from 'snogging'.


"Shebank". Don't worry though, I always have to look up some English words and expressions.


Quoted from LC
Bear in mind Chad and Melissa are pretty self absorbed and insensitive to what is going on in their friend's lives.


Yeah, I guess that can explain their attitude.


Quoted from LC
Without the kiss?! Coming from the guy who just wrote a scene in SLOWMO with a Sophie Marceau/Brigitte Bardot lookalike?


Well, my guy put in all that hard work only to have his face licked by a puppy in the end.  

I just felt that the instant kiss was a bit unrealistic. Perhaps Bob and Ann could just glance at each other's lips and smile knowingly.

Manolis
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LC
Posted: January 24th, 2015, 7:27am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Manolis
"Shebank". Don't worry though, I always have to look up some English words and expressions.

Manolis, you've got me stumped with this one?



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Athenian
Posted: January 24th, 2015, 8:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

Manolis, you've got me stumped with this one?



Sorry, I meant "shebang". I'm a Greek though, so bear in mind that I can understand and spell words like "megalocheirous" and "cacohydrophobia".
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LC
Posted: January 24th, 2015, 8:32am Report to Moderator
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Very good. And you're right I only speak one language. You had me looking up those two... Touché  


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LC
Posted: January 26th, 2015, 10:32pm Report to Moderator
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Khamanna, thanks for taking another look.

Quoted from Khamanna
on p 6 Melissa wants to deliver a confession and Ann reacts "Oh-oh, really" - I'm a bit lost here.

Chad's line picks it up with 'she was drunk as a skunk'. The two couple's dialogue frequently tops and tails the other's dialogue.

Quoted from Khamanna
p6 "She was drunk as a skunk" is a bit much for me.

I'd say that's good. It's in keeping with Chad's character. It might jar with you cause perhaps it's not a local reference you're familiar with?

Quoted from Khamanna
THen Melissa says "I was out there before he woke up, so it's cool" - lost again, what's cool?
Melissa didn't plan on staying the night but she was drunk. She believes she made up for it with her quick uncomplicated exit the following morning i.e., that she saved face so it's 'cool' as in fine.

Quoted from Khamanna
Then on p 7 there's "on top" talk and I like the to and fro here. I like the fact you Melissa and Ann don't start it right after the guys - it's a very smooth intercut here I think.
Thanks so much. I tried to vary them.

Quoted from Khamanna
One other thought about Helen - maybe you could name her different not "scary" but somethng more specific that tells us about her case. Or maybe you could tells us more about her - it would add more texture to this part.
I think 'scary' sums her up perfectly. You seem to want me to give her a bigger part.   but as I said before she's ostensibly a cautionary-tale.

Quoted from Khamanna
Not sure but had a thought that conversation between Bob and Chad about "the one" could be shortened.
Maybe. Ultimately though I think a lot of this would depend upon the delivery from the actors.

Quoted from Khamanna
And then I loved the part where Melissa wondering if he was stalking her there - very funny.
Thanks Khamanna, I thought that had a certain humorous flow to it. Once again it comes down to their wildly different perspectives and their inflated egos.

Thanks for taking another look - I suppose if anything it proves it was memorable for you. Let me know when you've got something you want me to take a look at.


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: January 27th, 2015, 6:14am Report to Moderator
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I owed you a read for a while.

I really liked this. The only thing I will suggest is to make the intercuts between the two pairs... better.

I mean, I was able to visualize it all but someone might complain it got a bit confusing. Lol.

That's all I got to say. It's really good. Talking about finding your soulmate. Lol.

Hope this helps,

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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