hey Dustin,

Thanks for the read, appreciated.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Code JAKE What the...? But...how? Ew. I haven't read the other reviews, so I accept I may be the only one that hates seeing things like this in a screenplay or novel. It's really cheap. I can understand a 'what the fuck?' But two separate statements is too much. Personally, I'd drop the whole lot and leave the actor to figure out what to do. The best acting happens when nobody says anything at all. The circumstances and resultant body language and actions of the actor should be enough.

Its a fair point, and probably one of personal taste. Mind you I do catch myself doing this a bit too much, but on this occasion i think it's ok as it helps, IMO, reinforce the confused state of Jake. Like salt in food, too much is off putting and the same applies for these type of thing.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Code His snaps out of it to see... Typo.

Good catch. Thanks.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I had a couple of issues with your writing, but you've been at this too long to listen to me now, so I'll keep it to myself.

Au contraire, i would love to hear them.

I KNOW that my english isn't that strong     and i have keep working at it. If I stop listening and learning, then I'll stop improving.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I like the idea though and the ending is good. Despite the complicated subject matter you simplified it wonderfully. I've been toying for quite some time about writing a feature along a similar subject matter but have never got further than simply having the desire. An actual story hasn't presented itself yet. Well done. Nice and easy to make.

Thank you. And i hope it does appeal to someone.

cheers

Code To leave she has to walk past Jake. As she does, Sarah maintains eye contact and casts him a friendly smile.

I think this action block is a little messy.

As Sarah leaves, she casts him a friendly smile.

We shouldn't need to know that to leave she must walk past him... who cares, even? I think you can also drop the eye contact part as to smile at him she would need to look at him.

Code Jake watches Sarah stroll past - decides to follow her.

After a moment of consideration, Jake follows her.

I think it goes without saying that he would be looking at her when she smiles at him. I imagine he would consider the smile first before following.

Code Jake sits up...

I harp on about this quite a bit to the noobs. No need for 'up'.

Code Jake eyes widen in shock.

Typo... Jake's.

Code Jake blinks, blinks - dumbfounded.

I'm not sure if you meant to do this for effect or not.

Code Jake feels nothing.

We can't know that, particularly when the actor will be acting out your very next sentence:

Code He stands frozen to the spot, as though he's having an inner melt down.

He's not going to look like somebody that isn't feeling anything.

Code ghost like

ghost-like... you do it a few times in the script. In one part of the script you have "ghost" like. Simply doing this 'ghost-like' negates the need for the inverted commas.

Code One ‘ghost’ Jake strides away from Jake into the shop.

The above reads a little awkwardly.

One of Jake's ghosts strides into the shop.


Idea for an alternate ending. Jake is killed by the car and maybe before he dies he sees his ghost walk out of the shop with Sarah. Or, just have the viewer see it after Jake dies.

Bill,

Comments are like pills.  Sometimes, the small ones do the most good.  Read with care.

Nice idea.  A bump on the head allows the protagonist to see multiple versions of reality.  But why stop with people?  Wouldn't he see multiples of everything--the taxi and its multiple outcomes?  The shops, the streets, etc?  A car turns one way, a phantom car turns another?  

But it is limited to people, and I buy that.  And I like he uses his newfound power to go after Sarah although I would like it better if he used the power in some other fashion first.  Of course, showing him using the power to avoid something negative would help too.  Alas, only three pages.

Overall, good work.
Best
Richard

Dustin

Thanks for that.

Inevitably there are many ways to write a script, but I always find it useful to have such feedback. Makes me think.

Cheers

Hey Reef - took a look:

I thought this was an effective micro-short.  I'm not sure if the theory is actually called Planes of Existence or something else, but I'm familiar with it and I think it's an interesting one. Good topic to follow in a short.

I enjoyed the social ineptness of the protagonists, their dialogue was entertaining. Specifically Sarah's medical dialogue when Jake hit his head. The drunk guy at the bar was great too and the everything will be okay somewhere line was a nice line to summarize the script.

I'd offer a tad different perspective on this: I would change up the timing with the ghosts appearing for some ambiguity whether it's all in Jake's head or not. Right now they appear after he started asking, what if they appeared before and he saw one ghost Jake leave with her causing him to follow her? After hitting his head he could be simply imagining the theory that he was just reading about to summon up the courage of asking Sarah out... or it could actually be real.

Two things that stood out negatively to me were this line that could work much more effectively with a facial expression imo:

Quoted Text JAKE What the...? But...how?

and the character introductions. They were very bland and uninteresting. I'd try upping the magic there.

Hope this helped. Good luck with it!

Well done- a very interesting concept.

I now you are limited to three pages so it is a tough handle - but I would have liked to see some definition of what the two ghosts meant (e.g., one = the path taken, one equal the path not taken) - or something like that. All in all though - it was intriguing - I wanted to read more

Well done- a very interesting concept.

I now you are limited to three pages so it is a tough handle - but I would have liked to see some definition of what the two ghosts meant (e.g., one = the path taken, one equal the path not taken) - or something like that. All in all though - it was intriguing - I wanted to read more

Quoted from RichardR Bill, Comments are like pills.  Sometimes, the small ones do the most good.  Read with care. Nice idea.  A bump on the head allows the protagonist to see multiple versions of reality.  But why stop with people?  Wouldn't he see multiples of everything--the taxi and its multiple outcomes?  The shops, the streets, etc?  A car turns one way, a phantom car turns another?   But it is limited to people, and I buy that.  And I like he uses his newfound power to go after Sarah although I would like it better if he used the power in some other fashion first.  Of course, showing him using the power to avoid something negative would help too.  Alas, only three pages. Overall, good work. Best Richard

Hey Richard,

Thanks for the read.

I think you've hit it. Three pages, only so much that can be done. But the idea has quite a few options. Not sure it could support a feature, and to be honest I'm not bothered in extending it.

I could make this a little longer but the short focused approach hopefully appeals to producers. Well i hope so.

All the best

Quoted from DS Hey Reef - took a look: I thought this was an effective micro-short.  I'm not sure if the theory is actually called Planes of Existence or something else, but I'm familiar with it and I think it's an interesting one. Good topic to follow in a short. I enjoyed the social ineptness of the protagonists, their dialogue was entertaining. Specifically Sarah's medical dialogue when Jake hit his head. The drunk guy at the bar was great too and the everything will be okay somewhere line was a nice line to summarize the script. I'd offer a tad different perspective on this: I would change up the timing with the ghosts appearing for some ambiguity whether it's all in Jake's head or not. Right now they appear after he started asking, what if they appeared before and he saw one ghost Jake leave with her causing him to follow her? After hitting his head he could be simply imagining the theory that he was just reading about to summon up the courage of asking Sarah out... or it could actually be real. Two things that stood out negatively to me were this line that could work much more effectively with a facial expression imo: Jk and the character introductions. They were very bland and uninteresting. I'd try upping the magic there. Hope this helped. Good luck with it!

Hey DS, sorry for the late response.

Glad you enjoyed this. I understand that some aren't so sure about the what the... Etc I'm not quite sure why this is such an issue and in an action heavy film I think it would appear fine, but I appreciate for raising the point. Makes me think.

Regards

It comes across as bad drama to me... I think it comes under this: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SurrogateSoliloquy

Quoted from eldave1 Well done- a very interesting concept. I now you are limited to three pages so it is a tough handle - but I would have liked to see some definition of what the two ghosts meant (e.g., one = the path taken, one equal the path not taken) - or something like that. All in all though - it was intriguing - I wanted to read more

Hey Eldave

Thanks for the read.

i think you are right that with a few more pages it could be enhanced, or embellished, but hopefully any producer they can see the concept and no doubt they would have their own views on where to take it.

all the best

Quoted from DustinBowcot It comes across as bad drama to me... I think it comes under this: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SurrogateSoliloquy

Thanks for the link Dustin.

As we know many films have moment when a character reflects to themselves. I was just thinking of Neo in the matrix when he's asked  to try and get out of the building and is stranded on the ledge alone, doing something out of the norm.

The question is when is it ok to do, or indeed when does it add?

I suppose i think the small element i have here is acceptable since, a bit like Neo, he is thrust into a strange experience alone, and is muttering to himself.

Too much and its going to seem weird, or weak.

cheers

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Thanks for the link Dustin. As we know many films have moment when a character reflects to themselves. I was just thinking of Neo in the matrix when he's asked  to try and get out of the building and is stranded on the ledge alone, doing something out of the norm. The question is when is it ok to do, or indeed when does it add? I suppose i think the small element i have here is acceptable since, a bit like Neo, he is thrust into a strange experience alone, and is muttering to himself. Too much and its going to seem weird, or weak. cheers

I thought the 'wtf?' was fine... people do say that. It was the 'But... how...' that tipped things over that edge for me.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Hey DS, sorry for the late response. Glad you enjoyed this. I understand that some aren't so sure about the what the... Etc I'm not quite sure why this is such an issue and in an action heavy film I think it would appear fine, but I appreciate for raising the point. Makes me think. Regards

Hey Reef, likewise on the late response.

I'm with Dustin, it's the "But...how..." that makes it overdone for me. It of course depends how believably the actor would pull it off on the screen, but I'd ask if it's worth the risk of looking dodgy on the screen. The actor's "what the..." expression would say everything about his thoughts at the time and the but how question is already obvious. I think a facial expression would be better than a muttering of "what the..", but just "what the.." wouldn't be bad either imo.

Quoted from DS Hey Reef, likewise on the late response. I'm with Dustin, it's the "But...how..." that makes it overdone for me. It of course depends how believably the actor would pull it off on the screen, but I'd ask if it's worth the risk of looking dodgy on the screen. The actor's "what the..." expression would say everything about his thoughts at the time and the but how question is already obvious. I think a facial expression would be better than a muttering of "what the..", but just "what the.." wouldn't be bad either imo.

Hey DS, I appreciate the feedback.

This is where the likes of SS can really help. We may not all agree,  indeed probably not, but we get the feedback - free of charge - and those who are prepared to listen have the chance to digest.

The whole discussion over two words, with '... ' In between has made me think. I have actually cut the 'but...how.'  But you know what, I could see a producer  put it back in. I think it is so close to call it's tricky, but  if. we want to get better that's where we should drill

Cheers