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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Planes of Existence Moderators: bert
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  Author    Planes of Existence  (currently 4478 views)
Iancou
Posted: January 22nd, 2015, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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Bill,

Great concept and development. As far as filming, it would be relatively simple to do with a three camera setup on a mount/tripod. The slight difference in angles and their merging during editing would also give an almost stereoscopic effect. I hope you film it sooner rather later.

The only thing that stuck in my mind in terms of editing the script was the level of detail. I got bogged down in the description. I suggest adding a visual cue such as having a sign on the steel shelf behind him that reads 'Physics' or something that shows what he is doing along with maybe some wadded up notepaper and a calculator on the table (Reminds me of my time in university). Putting so much detail in the description made me lose focus at times. So, I recommend paring it down and really focus on the visualisation.

Note: I realise I am dating myself by suggesting a calculator since smartphone apps have probably replaced such an archaic device. What can I say except I remember when my parents bought one of the first gen microwave ovens... with a dial.

Ian


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 23rd, 2015, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ian,

Thanks for the read. Appreciated.

Glad you enjoyed, and really interesting to hear how it could be filmed. That's stuff I just don't know.

You are right that as a script it would benefit from a little bit more, but hey, I liked the challenge of three pages.

Thanks again.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Colkurtz8
Posted: January 25th, 2015, 2:02am Report to Moderator
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Bill

Good opening page, clean writing. I like the furtive dynamic between character and environment before a word is even spoken.

“Goes out cold. As he comes round,
Sarah peers down, a concerned face.”

- Wow, this is the quickest recovery from a concussion I’ve ever seen! The length of a full stop to be exact.

SARAH
OK. Well, I’d better go. Take care.
See you soon, maybe?

- That was rather rude of her. Did she not detect Jake plucking up the courage to ask her to coffee? Or was that all in Jake’s concussed head?

“The Man takes in Jake's weird manoeuvres. He considers his
drink, sniffs it to make sure. Seems OK.

- I understand you are trying to inject some humour here but the gag of someone seeing something strange pass by them before smelling what they’re eating/drinking has surely entered the “off limits cliché” list...at least for a few decades anyway

There are the makings of a decent script in here, in the notion of parallel worlds and diverging realities branching off with ever increasing possibilities. “Run Lola Run” dealt with these themes in a cool way. Have you seen it? I know you are not trying to tackle something as big as that in a so few pages but I did get that sinking feeling of “what’s the point?” Which, in your defense, I generally get with most scripts of this length which only seem to really justify their existence when framed around a set up and pay off gag/skit of some sort.

I mean, if you are going to take on something this conceptual why not try to formulate a fleshed out story around in order to explore the topic in some meaningful fashion? Even if it’s just a ten pager or something.
On the other hand, I appreciate that this may be more of an exercise or a short short suitable for a student filmmaker given the enticing visual elements on offer here.

Also, I did like the ending somewhat that suggests the potential I mentioned above. Jake seeing one of his versions pair off with one of Sarah’s before the former goes after the real one…but I couldn’t help thinking why he hesitated to go after the real one when she left the shop window, instead hanging back with one of the versions that went inside the shop?

Are you commenting on how we will do anything to avoid chasing what we truly desire for fear of failure and settle for an inferior imitation, a frivolous distraction? Where the stakes are lower thus there’s less to lose and the potential for pain/hurt/rejection is therefore minimized?

Or was Jake just too lazy, unmotivated, distracted, etc to seek out the real Sarah? That it took getting nearly run over by a car to realize the genuine article is the only pursuit worth pursuing?

Or am I just talking through my a?shole since he did make to follow her in the library before concussing himself. In fact, his over zealousness led to the accident and subsequent perception of these other versions of people.

Also, purely from a practical standpoint, having him linger in front of the shop window gave the opportunity for him to see his own versions materializing in his reflection. Perhaps, there’s a warning about the perils of narcissism in there somewhere too, similar to your “Know Thyself” script.

So, in short (or long actually), I’m not sure what you’re trying to say with this and that may be the point.

Col.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 25th, 2015, 6:43am Report to Moderator
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Hey Col

Many thanks for the read. I always expect an intense consideration of a script from you, and you didn't disappoint

First off i appreciate the there page limitations and that this can feel a little underwhelming.


Quoted from Colkurtz8

- Wow, this is the quickest recovery from a concussion I’ve ever seen! The length of a full stop to be exact.


Too true. With 3 pages i can't him just lying about


Quoted from Colkurtz8

“The Man takes in Jake's weird manoeuvres. He considers his
drink, sniffs it to make sure. Seems OK.

- I understand you are trying to inject some humour here but the gag of someone seeing something strange pass by them before smelling what they’re eating/drinking has surely entered the “off limits cliché” list...at least for a few decades anyway


Thats a fair point and actually been one those niggles I've had at the back of my mind. I like the way i get him to see the two images of himself, but the opening element was weaker. After a think i have changed this. I may need to fine tune it but, like he parallels the images later on, this time he parallels the weird walking to get to a seat. Hopefully little more joined up.


Quoted from Colkurtz8

Are you commenting on how we will do anything to avoid chasing what we truly desire for fear of failure and settle for an inferior imitation, a frivolous distraction? Where the stakes are lower thus there’s less to lose and the potential for pain/hurt/rejection is therefore minimized?


What was i aiming for? Good question.

I think at its heart is a debate, not about whether there could be parallel lives, but what the implications of knowing this could be.

Jake is cautious, he wants something - the girl - but fails to be decisive (more pages would help this i accept). When he sees another 'him' take action and win the girl, this encourages him to carry on.

I suppose its meant to be a thought provoker.  What do you find hard, what can't you do? Do you think another you could do this? Can you imagine how would they pull this off?

In an infinite universe, with infinite outcomes, all things happen. So they say.  

Now, off you go...

many thanks for the read.





My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Gary Manson
Posted: October 29th, 2016, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Bill  (Reef Dreamer), I know this has been up a while. I was just curious as to what 3 pages contained. I'm impressed, certainly makes you think, as any form of writing should, great job.

I have so much to learn about formatting though.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Gary,

I had to re read this one to remind myself about it.

There was once a web site called movie poet. Most months we would have a five page writing competition. It was a great place, along with SS, to fine tune what you could do in that space. Most of the time I tried to cram in too much, so that was my lesson to learn...still is.

This was written for a three page challenge, and in reality it is too much of a story for that length, but it was fun to try.

I actually like the concept a lot and may be one day I'll give it the attention it deserves.

Thanks for the read.

Ps - you have no obligation, but if you wanted to read something a little deeper, you may wish to try my script, The Elevator most belonging to Alice. Regards

Bill


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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