All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Well, I honestly don't know what to make of this... just a lot of violence with nothing to really back it up with story-wise. I usually like your work, Anthony, but not this one.
The workshop roots bit, is meant to show that this was once a garage but has been converted into his workshop by closing off the garage doors... for him and all his tools n stuff - showing he's selfish... but I'll revise this to make this clearer both in terms of the garage and that it's his domain.
The dog... Brian brought it into their home, already named after his mistress, hence the tag on the collar, a sarcastic and hurtful conceit on his part.
And yes she's messed up as she's discovered her husbands infidelity which has destroyed her... this may need some expansion, but I was trying to keep it short and punchy, coming in at an unexpected point with little back story.
The violence, is her externalising her rage and 'killing' what he loved... too much? Maybe...
Re the garage/ roots, etc.: I see now. I was envisioning a garage (still used as such) with a workshop in it.
The woman must have some pre-existing abnormal mental condition because her reaction to the infidelity was so over-the-top awful.
Is the stuffing too much? I have to say Yes. It's interesting from a psychological point of view, but few people will want see it. At least in my opinion.
Strange one here. I like the idea of Angie, so obviously heartbroken and betrayed, turning to violence to get revenge.
But killing his mother and his little Jack Russell seemed a tad over the top. Don't get me wrong, I love over the top, and maybe the mother killing would have worked but we don't really know much about her and their relationship. And the dog stuffing would be excruciating to watch.
I like the idea though and it is written really well. And can't help but think if it was a little longer it would probably work better. Maybe just me.
The story felt incomplete to me. You set up Angie as your main character, which is fine, there are a lot of stories that follow despicable characters, but there is no payoff. All we know is that Brian cheated on her with a younger woman and that she killed Brian's dog and mother as revenge, which really doesn't make sense, though some individuals are despicable to the point of completely lacking sense or logic. But it makes us despise her completely... yes, Brian cheated on her, but that pales in comparison to what she has done in this film. The dog thing is pretty sick... I kinda dug that part (in the context of a horror short) but it doesn't lead anywhere. Unless Brian did something similar to her, it kills any sympathy for Angie.
I was actually rooting for a character that never actually appears in the story except for a photo (Brian)... I wanted him to come home and get his own revenge. Either that or I was expecting something ironic or a twist of some sort (maybe the girl in the photo is actually Brian's wife and Angie is the one who cheated with him, or something like that... or maybe Angie is the mother's caretaker or something who has a "crush" on Brian)...
As for the writing, not bad, but this could have been easily 2 pages long rather than 3.
Quoted Text
The up and over garage door is still in place, now bolted to the floor. It reveals the workshops’s roots.
Gardening equipment, DIY tools and decorating implements fill the shelves around the workshop. It’s the paraphernalia of a competent man, carefully arranged in holders and hangers, boxes and drawers.
Everything has it’s place.
A long workbench lines one wall where ANGIE, 50s, sad and dreary, is working on something small and hidden from view.
Her hair is in tufts, unwashed and unkempt.
Her clothing hasn’t seen an iron recently and the buttons on her cardigan aren’t in the right holes, a couple aren’t in holes at all.
She looks feral.
This seems far too detailed. Now, maybe you're thinking of shooting this yourself, hence why you have some of this description in separate paragraphs... moving to a new paragraph signifies change of camera shot/focus. But if not, there really is no reason to separate a lot of the description here, could be just one paragraph.
And the first sentence reads strange. You say the garage door is "now" bolted to the floor. Just saying "the garage door is bolted to the floor" provides us with enough info... generally, a garage door is not bolted to the floor.
An up-and-over garage door is bolted to the floor, revealing the workshop's roots. Tools and other equipment fill the shelves. Boxes and drawers neatly line the room. Everything carefully arranged.
ANGIE (50s - sad and dreary) stands at a long work bench, working on something. Hidden from view. She appears disheveled - her clothes wrinkled, buttons out of place. Hair a mess.
Anyways, I'm still curious as to what happens to Angie, hopefully something awful, lol.
I think you'd have been better off stuffing a small child than a little doggy.
I'd have liked to have seen more play on the word 'stuffed'. Maybe she could have a flashback of an argument, where she confronts him about his affair(s). Her embittered husband could shout something really horrible, like : "Get stuffed, you fat ugly bitch!"
That word could then reverberate around her mind, driving her to stuff his family. Stuff the dog full of his worldly possessions and then stuff the old lady with the dog... then she drags the old lady, ready to stuff the next thing.
A little more meat and this could work... at the moment it seems out of proportion and mindless.
I haven't read any other comments, so lets have a look...
To her right is a small pile of disparate but emotionally connected items. - wasn't quite sure what i was seeing here
She exhausts the pile of memories. - kind of know what you are meaning - but not so clear
bloody piñata - yeah, i get this, but again i wonder whether this is the best way to say this
she's one angry girl.
If i read this correctly she's the ex wife, and rather pissed off at that. I had to flick between the descriptions but imassume the girl in the photo is not his wife etc
that damned selfie again - why do adulteress do that
What i was trying to connect was all the description of a tidy garage etc which seemed important, , to everything that followed. I couldn't really see a connection.
I assume it is his dog, but when it started i assumed it was hers, with all the tears etc
now having read some other comments i would agree that this requires a pay off and that seems lacking at present.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Hi Anthony. The writing itself seems fine, quick and easy to follow, but I had some problems with the actual content.
If this was a dark comedy, I think you could get away with the dog stuffing and old women bludgeoning. But as is, it just seems a bit too brutal for anyone to want to make, or watch it.
I liked the idea of Angie reaching her breaking point, but I think it needs to build up to more of a rewarding climax. Expand it a little, maybe add some humour and work on the payoff, and this could be a nice little short.
Most comments are easily discarded, so choose what you like and forget the rest.
I understood the garage thing although you could have just said...this is a garage that's been converted into a workshop.
We have a betrayed wife taking her revenge on a dog and a mother-in-law, which is very tough to take since it's hubby who needs the garden shears. And the brutality of the killing seems a bit beyond the pale. I can see where she would destroy the workshop. Fire up a a chainsaw and go to work. Sorry, golf clubs. But a dog? Seems a bit gratuitous.
And the old lady? What did she ever do? But then, wifey may have gone over the edge and decided to bring it all down. So, after destroying the garage, burn it? I don't know. Most viewers like an ending that metes out justice in some fashion. I don't think this qualifies. But it's an interesting view. Good luck.
Hi, Anthony...haven't read the new version yet but want to ask about your method of uploading the new draft. Some way that's different from "submitting a script"? I'm asking because it went up so FAST. Thanks, Henry