Until One Has Loved An Animal by Manolis Froudarakis (Athenian) - Short, Comedy - Tom never expected to shed tears over a dog, but now realizes the need to grieve. And convincingly so.  8 pages - pdf, format

Found a few issues with the writing that I'll go through if nobody else does and you want that.

I did see the twist coming but it's a pleasant story, nicely told.

Two dog-abuse shorts posted today! (The other one is "Stuffed," which I've read but not commented on yet.)

I see where the funny parts are supposed to be, but I didn't even crack a smile. Probably because Tom is completely unlikeable. At the end, I didn't laugh, either. I just thought, that poor puppy.

Henry

I did the same thing... I still don't quite know what to make of 'Stuffed'.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I still don't quite know what to make of 'Stuffed'.

Me, either.

So this isn't a zoophilia themed short then?

Dustin/Stumpy -

Anthony

- Hi, Dustin, thanks for the read! Glad you found the story pleasant. As for the writing issues, I'd be glad to have your suggestions if you find the time. (The script is actually an adaptation of a two-page monologue I've written in Greek, which posed certain difficulties.)

- Hi, Henry, thank you too! I appreciate your honest opinion.  Yes, it's the kind of comedy where the unlikable protagonist gets "punished" in the end. Sorry it didn't work for you. However, the guy is not a dog abuser (someone e.g. who would kick a dog), he just can't stand dogs around him. So I wouldn't worry that much about the puppy.

Hey Manolis,

A few things as I read - but bear in mind I didn't go through it with a fine-tooth comb:

'Lily is quitter than a mouse” 'quieter'
should be: 'never slept so soundly' p.2
And the burglary wasn’t the worst
part. (delete the 'and' imh.)
And of the late Brigitte Bardot - What?! I know there were rumours - today in fact - but Brigitte isn't dead. Do you mean to describe her as: Brigitte in her younger days??

four leaches  - ooh no, those ones suck! Should be: leashes as in dog-leads - amazing how one letter can completely change the meaning of a word.

'No way she wouldn’t empathize.' For a moment I read that as she wouldn't,I think you need a positive statement not a double negative in this instance.  Something like: 'now I had her exactly where I wanted her' or similar.

'smiles him off.' - that's awkward. Palms him off with a smile or similar.

I found the story mildly amusing - some nice images as always.

The thing is ultimately (as Henry noted) Tom is not likeable and add to that - he also doesn't like dogs.

I'm inclined to think cut the bit at the top with his boss's dog although I did enjoy the lengths he went to to shut out the noise and what happened as a result.

Maybe expand upon that scenario or change it a little so that the dog actually saves Tom's life. Or cut it out altogether.

The main story is about Tom trying to win over a woman - Veronique, it seems - the dog becomes secondary whereas at the beginning of the script the subject of dogs is the primary focus. I think that needs addressing - what is the core story about? It reads as if perhaps you weren't sure yourself and chopped and changed.

If the story is about Tom's antipathy towards canines then I think a good narrative would be that Tom's mind is changed - perhaps his life is saved (by a dog). As a result he learns to genuinely love dogs - and perhaps this particular dog also leads him to the love of a woman.  

Finally, I'd change the title to 'Puppy Love' - I don't think the current title reflects the breezy tone you're going for.

P.S. I forgot to say, (except for 'walks behind a long bush' which I think could be rephrased) this I loved:

“LOVE-AT-FIRST-SIGHT” SLOW MOTION:
Veronique (20) walks behind a long bush. Silky dark hair, big
alluring eyes, full kissable lips. Promisingly bulging chest.

Though the narrative reads a little disjointed to me at the moment it's well worth developing. The images and atmosphere you evoke with Tom and Veronique are really lovely.

Quoted from Athenian However, the guy is not a dog abuser (someone e.g. who would kick a dog)...

Thanks for clarifying. I had that impression because Tom tied the dog to the bed leg and woke up many hours later to find it whimpering. Plus his boss made him pay for PTSD counseling for Lily.


Henry

Manolis,

Bad comments are like the gifts dogs leave for you when you're gone.  Take all comments with a beer.

This one has its  moments.  There are writing issues which have been covered, but overall, it works.  The opening explains why he doesn't like dogs.  Then, he has to pretend to like them to get the girl.  That works.  He makes up a fake dog in order to get her, so how about he goes out and buys a bunch of dog gear for when she comes over.  A little shrine to the late OLiver?  Gives all his leftover food to Ver for her dogs?  Guys will do anything for a pretty woman, so have him do it. Oh, perhaps he can even leave some pee marks on the carpet?  hmmm to much?

The puppy at th end is poetic justice, and he has to treat it well in order to bed the girl.  Fair enough.  If you push this one toward the edge, I think it might be funnier.  Good luck.

Best
Richard

Hi Libby, thanks for taking the time to write a detailed review!

Quoted from LC 'Lily is quitter than a mouse� 'quieter' should be: 'never slept so soundly' p.2 And the burglary wasn�t the worst part. (delete the 'and' imh.) And of the late Brigitte Bardot - What?! I know there were rumours - today in fact - but Brigitte isn't dead. Do you mean to describe her as: Brigitte in her younger days?? four leaches  - ooh no, those ones suck! Should be: leashes as in dog-leads - amazing how one letter can completely change the meaning of a word.

Thanks! Some of them are obvious oversights, but I'll take full responsibility for the "late Brigitte Bardot" part. I just meant "old Brigitte Bardod" (in reference to her animal welfare activism). She had many dogs though even as young woman, so her age is irrelevant.

Quoted from LC 'No way she wouldn�t empathize.' For a moment I read that as she wouldn't,I think you need a positive statement not a double negative in this instance.  Something like: 'now I had her exactly where I wanted her' or similar. 'smiles him off.' - that's awkward. Palms him off with a smile or similar.

Thanks, I'm going to rephrase these ones too.

Quoted from LC I found the story mildly amusing - some nice images as always. The thing is ultimately (as Henry noted) Tom is not likeable and add to that - he also doesn't like dogs.

I don't think Tom needs to be a better person, but he does need to be funnier. Bad guys are okay in comedy as long as they are amusing.

Quoted from LC I'm inclined to think cut the bit at the top with his boss's dog although I did enjoy the lengths he went to to shut out the noise and what happened as a result. Maybe expand upon that scenario or change it a little so that the dog actually saves Tom's life. Or cut it out altogether. The main story is about Tom trying to win over a woman - Veronique, it seems - the dog becomes secondary whereas at the beginning of the script the subject of dogs is the primary focus. I think that needs addressing - what is the core story about? It reads as if perhaps you weren't sure yourself and chopped and changed.

Actually, the flashback with Lily is a later addition. I just thought Tom's hatred of dogs should be explained somehow. Perhaps the scene is too long though.

Quoted from LC If the story is about Tom's antipathy towards canines then I think a good narrative would be that Tom's mind is changed - perhaps his life is saved (by a dog). As a result he learns to genuinely love dogs - and perhaps this particular dog also leads him to the love of a woman.

That's a reasonable suggestion, but it would take a much longer script, imo. A dog hater wouldn't turn into a dog lover overnight.

Quoted from LC Finally, I'd change the title to 'Puppy Love' - I don't think the current title reflects the breezy tone you're going for.

The title is the beginning of this quote by Anatole France: "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." But since the reference isn't obvious, I guess I should re-consider.

Quoted from LC P.S. I forgot to say, (except for 'walks behind a long bush' which I think could be rephrased) this I loved: �LOVE-AT-FIRST-SIGHT� SLOW MOTION: Veronique (20) walks behind a long bush. Silky dark hair, big alluring eyes, full kissable lips. Promisingly bulging chest. Though the narrative reads a little disjointed to me at the moment it's well worth developing. The images and atmosphere you evoke with Tom and Veronique are really lovely.

Thanks! I'm thinking of writing a similar script instead of rewriting this one. I already have some ideas.

Once again, thanks for the helpful review!

Manolis

Quoted from Stumpzian Thanks for clarifying. I had that impression because Tom tied the dog to the bed leg and woke up many hours later to find it whimpering. Plus his boss made him pay for PTSD counseling for Lily. Henry

No, Lily got PTSD because of the burglary. I just needed her to be immobilized during the incident, otherwise she probably would be hurt or killed. So Tom actually saved her life.

Manolis

Quoted from RichardR Manolis, Bad comments are like the gifts dogs leave for you when you're gone.  Take all comments with a beer. This one has its  moments.  There are writing issues which have been covered, but overall, it works.  The opening explains why he doesn't like dogs.  Then, he has to pretend to like them to get the girl.  That works.  He makes up a fake dog in order to get her, so how about he goes out and buys a bunch of dog gear for when she comes over.  A little shrine to the late OLiver?  Gives all his leftover food to Ver for her dogs?  Guys will do anything for a pretty woman, so have him do it. Oh, perhaps he can even leave some pee marks on the carpet?  hmmm to much? The puppy at th end is poetic justice, and he has to treat it well in order to bed the girl.  Fair enough.  If you push this one toward the edge, I think it might be funnier.  Good luck. Best Richard

Hi Richard, thanks for the read and the comment!

Glad you liked some aspects of the script. I agree it could have been funnier. Your suggestions make sense - I'm going to take some of them.

I appreciate your input!

Manolis

Nice effort here.

I had a thought related to the sleeping pills scene. I think it would add a comedic moment if he first tried to get the dog to eat them and when that wasn't successful - oh well, he downs them.

Thanks, David! Well, if he actually tried to give the dog a pill, that might be considered animal abuse. He could, however, think about it for a second, then regret it and take the pill himself. That would be funnier, yes.

Manolis

Hi Manolis,

I haven't read any other comments, so let's have a look.

Title - I'm so so on this. On the one hand it doesn't appeal, but on the other it creates an emotional reaction. Interesting. On balance it probably works because it feels different.

Ah ha, like a found footage script. Well to start with. Who knows after, I haven't got there

Whilst I'm not a fan of these - but that's me - I would recommend being very clear with how you present this. To me, I should know it's a found footage - which I include personal footage - so that we have this in mind.

Ok it goes to normal footage now.

I LOVE the idea of being robbed, whilst drugged, and looking after a strange dog. Great.

I really liked that. Good work.

I am sure folk have pointed out tips to fine tune the writing, but quite frankly I don't care.

This was well handled, and had a slightly obvious finsih, but still handled well.

Well done.

Thanks for the read and the positive comments, Bill!

I hope it is clear now that the script is just a monologue combined with flashbacks (not a found footage script). As for the title, it is half a quote by Anatole France ("Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened."). But no one seems to have heard it.

I appreciate the feedback!

Manolis

Manolis

Good opening scene, sets up the comedic tone nicely.

"BACK TO SCENE"

TOM
And the burglary wasn’t the worst part.

- No harm to include some prose here after BACK TO SCENE just to establish Tom on the couch looking at the camera.

TOM
And the burglary wasn’t the worst
part.

- I get what you are going for but this just feels too random and improbable for it to blamed on him downing the sleeping pills and tying up the would-be guard dog. Rather just really really really unlucky.

TOM
My boss even made me pay the damn
mutt’s shrink.

- Again, I appreciate you are going for laughs, but a dog’s shrink, really? Plus, if Tom had been fired I know what he would be saying to his boss about footing that bill…

Nevertheless, and I know it might not seem this way from my above remarks, I do like the absurd, tongue-in-cheek humour here with the protagonist taking such offense over a barking dog, his faux confession into the camera and breaking the fourth wall.

TOM (V.O.)
And of the late Brigitte Bardot a
few moments later.

- She’s still alive. Or do you mean “a later Briggitte Bardot” as in older?

HANDSOME GUY #3
If only my goldfish didn’t require
my full time and attention!

- Good line.

TOM
This is Oliver. Was Oliver. It’s
been two weeks since...

- Nice call back to the opening scene, I was wondering about the significance of Oliver.

TOM (V.O.)
Healing would take time - she
totally understood that. I needed
to express my sorrow, let the tears
flow. Say goodbye to my old pal.

TOM (V.O.)
With a good deal of solace and
emotional support, of course.

- Good lines with Tom playing up the “dogless dog lover in grief” routine. Well written.

“smiles him off.”

- Ha, I like that description.

TOM (V.O.)
…I had to insist though…

- “Persevere” would fit better than “insist” here I reckon.

Given that Veronica has 8 dogs shouldn’t they play more of a part in the relationship montages and flashbacks between her and Tom? I mean, that’s a lot of canines running around and given Tom’s “full blown intolerance” of them there could be some decent comedy to be mined out of him being all sweet and tender around Veronica while throwing evils at the surrounding muts. Playing with that dynamic is well worth exploring for more laughs I think.

Remember, it was Tom’s primary reservation when he first sees Veronica in the park but he’s willing to get over it because she’s such a knockout. Yet that compromise/complication never reappears when they’re together. Feels like a missed opportunity.

I did laugh at the feigned suicide scene on the anniversary of Oliver’s death though, added a welcome bit of gallows humour.

I enjoyed this on the whole, there is the makings of a good comedic short in here but I think the ending felt a little flat. It might work better on screen, as in filmed, not necessarily showing Tom answering the door as I like the decision you made to play it off camera. My issue was more with it being predictable. Tom is pretending to mourn over his dead dog, even contemplate suicide on its anniversary so of course Veronica is going to get him a new one to make him feel better.

Also, even though I liked the tie in of the opening scene routine with later on I wondered why he was doing the whole lost-my-dog-Oliver act for the camera since he’s in fact waiting for Veronica to call over to give him his “personal gift”. I presumed that we would learn he and Veronica hadn’t worked out so he was perfecting the Oliver sob story for the next girl he was going to try it on but that wasn’t the case.

Anyway, some good stuff in here, I got a few laughs out of it,

Col.

Hey Col, thanks for another great review! Glad you enjoyed parts of the script. As for the rest:

Quoted from Colkurtz8 No harm to include some prose here after BACK TO SCENE just to establish Tom on the couch looking at the camera.

You are right.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I get what you are going for but this just feels too random and improbable for it to blamed on him downing the sleeping pills and tying up the would-be guard dog. Rather just really really really unlucky.

Apparently, he didn't deserve to get fired, so he's rightfully resentful. He still blames the dog though, instead of his boss.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Again, I appreciate you are going for laughs, but a dog’s shrink, really? Plus, if Tom had been fired I know what he would be saying to his boss about footing that bill…"

Pet psychologists do exist, no? Anyway, I agree that he normally wouldn't pay the bill after having got fired (unless his boss threatened to sue him or something).

Quoted from Colkurtz8 She’s still alive. Or do you mean “a later Briggitte Bardot” as in older?

Yes. I've fixed that one though – no mention of Bardot’s age at all.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 TOM (V.O.) …I had to insist though… - “Persevere” would fit better than “insist” here I reckon.

I'll take your suggestion.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Given that Veronica has 8 dogs shouldn’t they play more of a part in the relationship montages and flashbacks between her and Tom? I mean, that’s a lot of canines running around and given Tom’s “full blown intolerance” of them there could be some decent comedy to be mined out of him being all sweet and tender around Veronica while throwing evils at the surrounding muts. Playing with that dynamic is well worth exploring for more laughs I think. Remember, it was Tom’s primary reservation when he first sees Veronica in the park but he’s willing to get over it because she’s such a knockout. Yet that compromise/complication never reappears when they’re together. Feels like a missed opportunity.

I tried to limit the dog scenes to what I thought was absolutely necessary, on the assumption that they wouldn't be easy to film. (I even had doubts about the puppy scene at the end.) But what you say makes sense, of course.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I enjoyed this on the whole, there is the makings of a good comedic short in here but I think the ending felt a little flat. It might work better on screen, as in filmed, not necessarily showing Tom answering the door as I like the decision you made to play it off camera. My issue was more with it being predictable. Tom is pretending to mourn over his dead dog, even contemplate suicide on its anniversary so of course Veronica is going to get him a new one to make him feel better.

I do think the misunderstanding is relatively plausible, since Veronique knew that Tom had a sexual interest in her. She says that she "felt it was too soon to…", then tells him ("in a breathy voice") "Ce soir". Given that Tom wants her really bad, I think he could "misread those signs" (to quote Woody Allen).

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Also, even though I liked the tie in of the opening scene routine with later on I wondered why he was doing the whole lost-my-dog-Oliver act for the camera since he’s in fact waiting for Veronica to call over to give him his “personal gift”. I presumed that we would learn he and Veronica hadn’t worked out so he was perfecting the Oliver sob story for the next girl he was going to try it on but that wasn’t the case.

He's just trying to fool us the way he fooled Veronique, to show how convincing he's been as a mourner. Like I wrote in a previous post, the script is actually an adaptation of a theatrical monologue I've written (in Greek). So the guy just plays with the audience.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Anyway, some good stuff in here, I got a few laughs out of it, Col.

Once again, thanks for the read and the helpful comments, Col! Always appreciated.

Manolis