Beautiful Souls by Glenn Doyle (IAmGlenn) - Short, Thriller - An ageing man, terrorised by a mysterious shadow, has his daughter over for tea. 8 pages - pdf, format

Thanks for the upload Don. As always, greatly appreciated.

Any views and comments are also hugely appreciated.

Cheers.

Glenn

Good comments warm the soul.  Ignore the bad ones.

The story unfolds in a direct fashion which lessens its effect.  peter is upset.  The shadow appears and demands a soul. Peter must obey. Or what?  His wife is already dead so why keep the bargain?  He doesn't mind dying so where is the leverage?  

the stuff about the wife's killer seems like fluff. Necessary?  Does it matter how she died?  Peter still owes.

Last, if he is bent on suicide, why wait till Paige arrives?  A note, a gunshot, and case closed. Unless, dad's debt transfers to the daughter?

Best
Richard

The door of (of) the shed

The doorbell rings. And again a few seconds later. - As a screenwriter, it's our job to find creative ways to say things. This reads too clunky.

Shakes herself off - what is she, a dog?

This man just shot himself in the head, she would not be holding it, let alone kissing it. Ew.

Amazing story. I loved the premise. I wish I thought of that. Definitely my kind of story.

But your dialogue needs tremendous work. Everything read so bland. Nothing punchy. Less dialogue would have made this a gem. Let their actions speak. And don't have the old guy spell it out for the girl. When she said "what have you done?" you could cut everything in between and just say "There's three more in the shed." And then he kills himself, and then just cut to the police. "Nooooo" sounds comical or over the top. Cut it.

But I did enjoy the premise. You should rewrite this. It has great potential.  

I just read Richard's comments, and  I forgot to mention something he did, and that's I didn't understand why the guy felt obligated to kill after his wife died.

Thanks Richard and Jeanpierre for the reads.

On my phone and really hate typing on this so I'll write back proper some time tomorrow. Appreciate the comments though.

Quickly though, on the why did he keep killing thing? He's afraid what the shadow will do to him. He didn't want to die. And why did he not just kill himself before Paige came? He wasnt sure what he was gonna do. And only when he went to the toilet he made his mind up. I want the audience to think "shit he's gonna kill his daughter" and I believe that thought was running through his mind.

Maybe a rewrite will clarify a few things.

Thanks again. I appreciate the feedback.

Hey Glenn, nice visuals with the opening, good atmosphere and believable dialogue overall too. I notice you are considering a rewrite based on the comments you've received so far so I won't go in depth except to say I do think something extra is needed for your denouement and perhaps a little at the top too. I think it's unlikely The Shadow is going away quietly. Has Peter fulfilled his obligation - I'm not so sure. Would The Shadow be happy with that? Hmm, don't think so.

Love the title btw - I'd play with that a bit more. Perhaps a visual prologue to set the scene with one of the 'beautiful souls' losing her life - even if you just allude to it via a suspenseful scene to add contrast to the opening 'normal' scene with Peter. Make us think Peter is a cold blooded killer and The Shadow is not a foregone conclusion. Just a thought.  

Sound idea here just needs a bit more punch - I'd develop a few of the ideas you've come up with just a bit more. Even though it's a little removed I got some echoes of the movie 'Fallen' as well, and the idea of the devil walking amongst us.

Definitely something different and I look forward to reading another draft.

I'll be one of the second readers on this one mate.

Glenn,

Spoilers:

The main problem is one touched on by others.

Peter  doesn't have to kill Paige. Or kill himself.  Why would he? If he's afraid of The Shadow killing him, why shoot himself in the head?  Is that preferable? We don't know.

HOWEVER --
What if The Shadow is a metaphor? What if it represents Peter's compulsion to kill? Then it doesn't have to make sense. Leverage is not needed.

How would this work with the dead wife? Maybe she was sick, and he killed her. Maybe the business about the bargain and the other killer are delusions.

I'd also delay letting us know he has orders (or a compulsion)  to kill Paige. Keep the conversation ("No, no, I can't) without saying her name at that point.

The low-key atmosphere is good, as are the exchanges between aging father and daughter. Rings true to me, having experienced it. Also contrasts with the killings. I like the detail of finding one of the victims in a tree. Nice title, even if we're not sure who has the beautiful soul.

Henry

Thank you everyone for looking at this and giving feedback.

As I said, I couldn't reply properly yesterday as I was using my phone and I was also very, very hungover (wedding the night before). So I'll try now.

RichardR,

I wasn't trying to portray Peter as a man who doesn't fear death. He kills for the shadow because he saved his wife only for her to be taken in a different circumstance. He fears what this menacing shadow will do if he doesn't kill for him. But when it's his daughter he must kill, he can't do it. He does think about it but kills himself instead before the shadow can get to him.

I felt the way the wife did die was necessary. The shadow helped him and saved her but was killed by another person. For nothing. After striking a deal to save his wife he was still left with nothing but a debt to be paid.

Thanks for the read and maybe the rewrite will clear a few things up.


Jeanpierre,

Glad you liked the premise.

I was writing this thinking I wanted to use more dialogue. My last two efforts I used very little. I wanted to capture the relationship between daughter and ageing father, who hasn't been right since the passing of his beloved wife. Sorry to hear it doesn't read well for you. Again a rewrite might help with this.

And yeah basically he kept killing because he feared the shadow. The deal stood so he had to kill the seven women. In the end it was too much so he ended it.

Cheers for the read


Libby,

Good to hear you liked this one in parts.

What you say about the ending is true and I actually have an alternative ending lined up. There's no way this shadow would just pack up and leave after Peter ending it like that.

I also have a scene in mind I'd like to have at the start that will bring in one of the Beautiful Souls. These would all go into the rewrite. But, yeah it'll hopefully add that little bit more to this story.

Have never seen "Fallen" but I've always loved the idea of the devil or an underworld character being closer to us than we'd like to think.

Thanks a million for reading and the thoughts and hope you enjoy the new draft. Cheers.


Dustin,

Cheers. Hopefully won't take too long. College stuff and currently writing my 1st feature likely to get in the way. But hopefully it'll be some time this week.


Henry,

Thanks for taking a look. Much appreciated.

I played around with the idea of having the shadow as a metaphor type thing. But in the end, as I said to Libby, I love the idea of evil being among us. Maybe him being delusional would work better but I went with the super natural aspect instead. I'll think more on it and see what I think when I touch it up. But it's definitely a good point, so thank you

Thanks also for the kind words on what you did like. Means a lot. Hopefully you get to read the newer draft.

----------------------------------------------

Thanks everyone. Love this site for being able to get really good feedback from people who know what they're talking about. It really is, as always, massively appreciated.

Glenn, just want to add a couple of things to think about when you get into the rewrite.

One girl was found 'in the trees' - does this mean, as Henry pointed out, that she was found physically 'up a tree', or does it mean on the ground 'in the woods/forest'?  I read a Mo Hayder novel called 'The Treatment' where they found the body up a tree - was really creepy, anyway, that's by the by...  

Along those same lines and regardless of the fact it makes a nice final visual in the current draft: why does Peter store the other bodies in his shed? Doing that seems like he's just begging to be caught. ?

Libby,

Thanks for coming back with more.

When I said trees I did mean in a wooded area. An area of trees. Thinking about it though, If a body was found in a tree, it would be pretty damn creepy and messed up. So I'll think about that.

And the shed. I was thinking more along the lines that these women he killed were around his house or close by. So he just put them in the shed. He's not a master serial killer so he's not an expert at cleaning up and I'd like to think eventually he would have been caught.

But yeah, I'll definitely give these points a good thinking over when I get back into writing this.

Thanks again Appreciate your feedback so much.

Hey Glenn, good to see another script of yours up! Took a look - my thoughts:

Quoted Text ...and stares at the radio as though it had betrayed him.

Great line.

P3: Looks interesting and you've done a good job building up plot. The murders, the shadow and it wanting the daughter dead, something about the shed (I think).

P3/4:

Quoted Text PAIGE She was found just up the road. In the trees. Blood everywhere.

I'd change some of the wording here. It feels like Paige who has been away from home downright telling Peter what happened, exposition basically.

P4: Peter's outburst breaking into information about the mother kind of came out of nowhere. It looks odd.

A lot of information before he kills himself, maybe you could trim some of it down?


Despite the shadow being present at all times and it wanting to kill Paige the read felt kind of safe to me, not too much tension present. Their talk before Peter went into the bathroom was especially lacking any tension, I think you could definitely increase it there. Probably afterwards as well.

I also didn't buy the dialogue as much anymore after they made it to the kitchen. It didn't feel as connected and realistic in how the topics of the conversations happened and tied together.

While Peter was quite interesting due to the plot and also getting some characteristics at the start and in the dialogue, Paige felt very plain and uninteresting, more of a plot device than character. I'd recommend spicing up the dialogue to give her more character.

I think this could work well, just needs another draft or two. Hope you got something out of this, good luck.

DS,

Cheers for the read mate. And your comments.

I agree with a lot of the comments you made and I will get cracking on a new draft soon.

About the dialogue, I was going for an awkward kind of feeling between the two. Peter has been hiding away since his wife died and Paige isn't sure how to be around him. Peter is awkward because he's secretly doing the shadow's dirty work. Maybe that didn't quite come across. I'll try again with a newer version.

But yeah, Paige has to become more of a character. I agree.

Oh, and maybe the "blood everywhere" bit from when she's telling him about the murder is a bit too much. But I don't think it's exposition. She's just telling her father about an awful story she thinks he hasn't heard yet. That happens right?

Anyway, big thanks mate. The time took to read and comment is greatly appreciated

Glenn

“The door of of the shed next to the house remains firmly shut.”

- “Of” is needlessly repeated. Also, this seems like an arbitrary detail to mention, the door of the shed remaining shut. Do you envisage the camera to focus in on this as I’m thinking there is a reason why you’ve specified it.

On the basis of the opening scene and phone conversation I’m predicting that he has killed his wife and stashed her in the garden shed. However, the killing may have been a mercy one (given the script’s title) in that she may have had a terminal illness or something…reading on…

The radio announcement adds some interesting intrigue to the situation, it might be a more grizzly scenario than I assumed.

PAIGE
Mam?

Peter nods his head.

- Ok, so that rules out dead-wife-in-the-garden-shed…or does it

PETER
She was going to die. That’s why I
had to do it.

- Ah, I knew it. Sorry, I know it’s annoying for the writer to see their work being second guessed at every turn. I swear I didn’t read on though. I think it’s because I read a script on here not so long ago that had a similar storyline.

Upon reading on, it seems I spoke too soon, this is more of a Faustian pact situation. Still, the point of my notes is to see how I reacted as I read.

PAIGE
They got him Dad.

- This is a very unnatural and cold response from Paige. What, just because they caught her mother’s killer, Peter shouldn’t mourn or be angry about it? Would Paige really say this? Where is her own rage/sorrow concerning the loss? Almost leads me to suspect she had something to do with it.

PETER
He saved her life. In return he
asked for seven beautiful souls.

- Why seven? Is this figure based on some text or myth?

PETER
Paigey, when they come, tell them
there’s three more in the shed.

- Yes, that ominous shed had to be harboring something ghastly!

So Peter sacrifices himself to take the place of the last soul. But would he be considered a beautiful one after the sins he’s committed, would he qualify?  I got the impression the devil is looking for uncorrupted, virginal ones, hence the young girls. That’s always what these fu?kers want, right? From vampires to fallen angels Anyway, I suppose it doesn’t really matter either way as Peter will be dead. The devil takes what it gets.

The supernatural element was an interesting touch but I wonder can you do more visually than just showing a shadow enveloping Peter? Also, I wondered was this supernatural aspect even present at all but a product of Peter’s embittered, grief stricken mind? Some ambiguity might be worth incorporating here just to make it less clear cut as I didn’t see any indication that it could be all his imagination. Instead it seemed like he had indeed made a deal with the devil.

If so, I would like have learned more about that. How exactly does one get approached by the dark lord to negotiate said deal I appreciate that you want to keep the page count down but I feel that if you are including other worldly motivations like this, such as a man doing the devil’s bidding, that it should be addressed, emphasized and developed accordingly. I mean, it’s such a significant leap from the otherwise everyday environment of the script. This again, led me to wonder if it was all part of Peter’s damaged psyche.

Perhaps you could play around with Paige’s responses to Peter’s mention of how their mother/wife died, or pulled through her terminal illness, something to suggest that Peter may be twisting the facts or not telling the truth, basically, your classic unreliable narrator. This way the script reveals the truth in a more layered, less straightforward manner.  

Granted I misread some of the hints as to what Peter had done but I pretty much knew he was withholding some dark secret from the off thus it undercut a lot of the tension and implied surprises later on. Could this be obscured, subverted to catch us off guard? Maybe look to Peter and see about altering how he is portrayed, our first impressions of him. Could there be a way that he is proud of his heinous crimes, is exalted by them and in his warped mindset, feels he is doing his duty thus giving him a buoyant, jovial non-threatening attitude which crumbles when we find out what he’s really done. This could be contrasted with Paige whose genuine worry for her father’s increasing isolation may come off has cold, bossy and suspicious at first before the story unfolds. You know, just something to turn events on their head and play with our preconceptions.

Col.

Once his wife has died he has no reason to continue killing. I do like this but it needs some work. Being afraid of dying himself doesn't cut it unless you show us that in the story. He needs a reason to consider killing his daughter. The fact that the devil brought his wife back and then had her killed not long after doesn't make any sense.

You may reason that the devil didn't kill her, but it was a drug addict that did it and we are supposed to believe that the devil didn't have anything to do with that? Everyone knows how a deal with the devil will go down. Surely Peter would have suspected foul play and called of the deal.

I think the wife needs to be alive in some capacity. Maybe a stipulation of her being alive is that she needs seven blood transfusions before she returns to normal.

Hello Glenn.

I thought this was pretty good. Simple and straigh foreward, but also a little bit funny, in a delightfully dark manner.

Peter's line:
Paigey, when they come, tell them there�s three more in the shed.

...is really powerful. But it's force is somewhat diminished as you've aleardy had him say that the demon/devil wanted seven souls. I think it would kick even harder if you save that line about the needing seven till afterwards. As in:

PETER
Paigey, when they come, tell them there�s three more in the shed.

PAGE
What do you mean, three more?

PETER
He demanded seven. But I won't let him have you.
BANG!



I'd also think about coming up with a new title, as Beautiful Soul sounds like something my mother would watch on Hallmark, and not something I'd bother checking out, which means you'll lose most of your key audience.

Hi Glenn,

I'm writing notes as I read and without reading any other comments, so sorry if I repeat what has already been said.

The logline made me think this was a comedy. It read (to me anyway) like something Terry Pratchett  (RIP Sir Terry!) would have written.  A very serious, foreboding thing, but then he has his daughter over for tea!

Although a formality the Radio Announcer should have a (V.O.) next to it.

Peter walks towards the radio, he walks towards the front door' - Peter does a lot of walking towards things. Try to come up with a more natural, less awkward way of describing your character's movements.

I guess the shadowy figure wants him to kill his own daughter, we'll see.

Yes I'm right although you don't really sell it to me that this guy would murder so many innocent people, especially after his wife died anyway. At least he didn't kill his own daughter.  

There's quite a few orphans in the script, especially towards the end; and I'm not talking about Peter's victims. Look up script format orphans on your preferred search engine and have a look at your scripts to see how many times you do this.

The story didn't work for me but different strokes for different folks and all that!

Best of luck with it.

-Mark

Thank you all for the read and your remarks.

I do plan on giving this one a good going over and I will take all your advice into consideration.

All very much appreciated.