SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 6:31pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Cubed Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 8 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Cubed  (currently 1196 views)
Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2015, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Cubed by Robert H. Householder - Short, Comedy - Cubicle bound group of mental misfits save the country from evil terrorist while providing their own kind of Tech Support. 15 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
JonP
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 11:51am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Bangkok, Thailand
Posts
23
Posts Per Day
0.01
I'm feeling charitable, so here goes...

Read a book on how to format a screenplay.  CAPITALIZING ALL OF YOUR DIRECTIONS IS NOT PROPER FORMATTING.

You're directing from the page.  Stop that.

Where are your slug lines?

Don't name actors you want to have play characters.  It just shows how much of an amateur you are.

The ONLY reason I read your screenplay past the first page, was because you referenced Electric Avenue in the first paragraph.  I have a soft spot for that song.  I think the reason you didn't get any other comments is that no one else does.  Your complete lack of understanding on formatting broadcasts that this script isn't worth reading.

BTW, a licensing a song like that would blow a production budget for a short.  But then again you've got a bunch of major actors, including Will Ferrell listed, so I guess money is no object.

The good news is that you can tell a story.  There is an actual beginning, middle and end, which ain't bad for a first attempt.  There were moments which were fun.  What fell a bit flat the climax was that only two of the guys made a contribution to averting the terrorist attack (unless you count Tom ratting out Sergei).  They all should contribute in some way.

I'll give you the same advice I gave that last first attempt I read.  Read some books on screenwriting.  Screenplay by Syd Field is a good start.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
Stumpzian
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
North Carolina
Posts
662
Posts Per Day
0.18
Whew. I realize I may be missing out on a real prize-winner buried somewhere in this mess, but so be it.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 3
irish eyes
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1865
Posts Per Day
0.37
Actions/descriptions in all CAPS! why? that worked for TV writing but even that has changed now.

Camera angles, continues everywhere... very difficult to read so far.

CLIENT #1 OS  this guy needs a name.

I tried to stick with it, the names got stupid, the dialogue was horrendous

SMOOTH GROOVE LARRY
Yo mutha fuckers I am on a call,
shut the fuck up, and keep your gay
ass robot toys out of my cubicle...

I gave up after this... sorry

p.s  Is that your real name on the title pages along with your email address?


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006